PLAINFIELD, N.J. — A waiter at Birchwood Burgers and Brews, a local restaurant that serves traditional pub fare, gave a lengthy, step-by-step explanation of how to read and order menu items after a patron accidentally responded in the negative when asked if he had ever been to the establishment before, sources confirmed.
“In the upper left of your menu, you’ll see a section labeled ‘Drinks,’” the waiter is reported to have said after introducing himself as Guy D. “This section lists the different beverages you can order. You’ll notice that the drinks are divided by type. At the top, you’ll see cocktails. These drinks are often the strongest and most flavorful, but that strength comes at a cost!” After exhaustively explaining each option, Guy concluded by inviting the party to try ordering drinks right now.
Jacob, a regular visitor to the establishment, said he overheard the waiter’s monologue from his seat at the bar.
“After he took their drink orders, he just kept on going with the rest of the tutorial. He didn’t even put the orders in,” said Jacob. “Every now and then, Guy would ask if they understood, and that one dude gave the wrong answer every single time. I think he was confused because Guy kept phrasing it slightly differently.”
The man who prompted the lengthy explanation, a local 30-year-old photographer named Max, says he doesn’t think he did anything unreasonable.
“The way he asked us so pointedly if we had ever been here before, I just assumed there must be some unique way that food is ordered here,” said Max after the waiter had finished the tutorial and left to get the party’s drinks. “I didn’t get why everybody at the table was so exasperated when I said it was my first time here. How was I supposed to know that the ordering procedures are exactly the same as every other establishment in the United States of America? I’ll take the blame for asking to hear about the specials, though. I don’t think I’ve ever actually ordered one. They seem too complicated.”
At press time, Max and his friends had just received their drinks. Max immediately screwed up his entree order and admitted that he had not really been paying attention to the tutorial.
