HYRULE — Evil sorcerer-turned-demon Vaati has suspended his campaign to conquer and dominate Hyrule just days before the crucial Lanayru primary, monstrous sources have confirmed.
“The number one priority has always been taking down Drowsy Daphnes,” said Vaati at a press conference, referring to King Daphnes by a pejorative nickname. “The time has come for us to unite behind one leader, and that leader is Ganondorf. I’ve always respected him, as evidenced by my pledge to pardon him for his so-called ‘crimes.’ Now, I must to return to my duties as an entity sealed inside the Four Sword. I doubt that old blade has been functioning well without me.”
Vaati’s supporters were dismayed at the news.
“He seemed like a more sane Ganondorf,” said Purlo, a resident of Hyrule Castle Town. “Like, they have the same political goals, Vaati just has a veneer of respectability. He wasn’t involved in the storming of the Sacred Realm, even though that was actually a false flag op by the Seven Sages and wasn’t really a big deal, anyway. He’s just got less baggage, you know? I do think it was weird how he used the Light Force to make himself look taller, but there’s no such thing as a perfect candidate.”
Demon King Ganondorf welcomed the support of his former rival.
“We love Vaati, don’t we, folks?” said the Gerudo thief, despite referring to Vaati as, “Mr. Eyeball,” and, “Faati,” as recently as Monday morning. “We love him and he said some very nice things about me. Very nice. He’s got this thing called the Light Force — not as nice as the Triforce, not as nice, but not too shabby. But he said some nice things, not like Meatball Malladus, who’s been very mean. But that’s okay, folks, it’s okay. We’re gonna — and let me just say, I’ve got nothing against Malladus. Nothing against him. Never said anything mean or bad about Malladus. But he’s a one-game villain, isn’t he, folks? Is that who you want taking on Drowsy Daphnes and the do-nothing sages?”
At press time, Ganondorf appeared to confuse Malladus and Princess Zelda, claiming that the attack on the fabled Sacred Realm had occurred under the former’s watch rather than the latter.
