CHICAGO — A seemingly harmless spider climbing up the wall of a local man’s apartment has been revealed to be a mini-boss with a massive health bar, arachnophobic sources confirm.
“I get spiders in my apartment from time to time, but never like this,” said apartment resident Shawn Johnson, 28. “I went to squash it with a flip-flop like usual, next thing I know I’m hearing Dark Orchestral music and seeing this big-ass health bar. I was even frozen in place for a second while it did a short, unskippable cinematic.”
The spider was eager to share its motivation and backstory just before the battle began.
“For eons without number, my kin and I have defended this, our ancestral home,” claimed Arachnyll, Scourge of the Dark. “All ye who enter upon this hallowed studio, feel the hate that burns within me, for it is deep and insatiable. Your pathetic life will meet its immediate end, and in your carcass I shall hatch a new generation of guardians.”
Local exterminator Liz Probst was quick to share with us her advice for dealing with pesky ancient eldritch vermin.
“Yeah, I see this kind of thing all the time,” said Probst, 43. “Arachnyll’s a tricky one, but that don’t mean he can’t be beat. His bite attack is easy enough to parry, but you’re gonna have to dodge the lunge attacks. Phase 2 is when he starts spraying venom, and that shit can be deadly. Overall, though, you can just stay right up under his ass and slash like there’s no tomorrow, and he’ll be dead soon enough. If it helps, you can also throw a trap down to chip away some health before the fight even starts, but personally I’d just go for it.”
At press time, the slain spider has dropped a rare greatsword and those keys you lost.
