ZEBES — The galaxy’s deadliest bounty hunter, Samus Aran, made headlines earlier today after a public announcement that she had been denied her latest insurance claim.
“This is an absolute outrage,” said ADAM, Samus’ ship’s supercomputer. “Lady saves the galaxy on a near daily basis. These dangerous missions take significant amounts of time to complete, and often result in equipment loss or damage. She has insurance for this exact purpose, and now she’s being punished for it.”
The bounty hunter has been known to frequently experience spontaneous equipment loss, often necessitating a thorough exploration of any mission area to retrieve old items or find new ones.
“While we don’t normally comment on individual cases, the claimant’s actions are just ridiculous,” said Ms. Bergman, a representative of Phase-On Insurance. “They’ve filed claims for being shot down by Space Pirates, being blown up on a Space Pirate frigate, and even getting attacked by ‘shadowy shapeshifters from a planet’s evil half’. Don’t get me started on the report she somehow ‘lost’ all her equipment in her tiny-ass spaceship, ten minutes after dropping off a genetically engineered bioweapon.”
“The fact of the matter is that Samus Aran, with her decades of experience, is not nearly qualified enough to judge what she needs to complete her missions,” Ms. Bergman continued.
“Our insurance representatives fulfill that job just fine.”
Questions arose as to whether or not the Galactic Federation, Aran’s primary employer, could foot the bill for lost items.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said General Alex Miles. “She just got done breaking our unbreakable robots. She stole our fancy new ship and supercomputer. We’re still trying to settle lawsuits for ZDR and SR388. So no, we’re not exactly flush with cash to replace her missing equipment.”
At press time, Phase-On Insurance suffered extensive structural damage whilst Samus attempted to retrieve a missile expansion stuffed in their ventilation system.
