PORTLAND — Polyamourous gamer John Putz has reportedly notified one of the members of his upcoming threesome that they will have to use the weird janky Mad Catz brand vibrator during the sex act.
“I’m not trying to be a dick, I just can’t afford multiple high quality vibrators, what with the economy in shambles. Plus, it’s my house my rules, everyone knows that,” said Putz, lining up lubes for the upcoming threesome. “It’s really annoying because I’m genuinely really good at sex, but every time I give someone the Mad Catz vibrator, they start complaining that the only reason I’m giving everyone more orgasms is because I don’t have the off-brand one. Sorry, but it’s all skill.”
Donna Sanders, however, wasn’t very pleased when she learned of this development upon arriving at the Putz home.
“I wish they would have just told me so I could have brought my own Vibrator Pro from home; it’s got a turbo button and everything,” Sanders explained. “This one just flat out sucks, and not in the good way, involving clits. There’s this weird drift issue where whenever I go for the butthole, it winds up somehow over by the taint. Just real shoddy craftsmanship.”
Couples therapist Dr. Joan Slatney specializes in polyamourous couples and says this is more common than one might expect.
“It happens all the time. People don’t always value the third participant in a threesome like they should, which is pretty silly considering that, without them, you wouldn’t have a threesome at all, would you?” said Dr. Slatney, shuffling through penis-looking Rorschach tests. “That would just be normal two person sex, and that’s gross.”
As of press time, Putz says he will try to be more considerate in the future, but should still get to choose which sex position they start out with, because he’s the host and that means he gets first pick.
