KENTUCKY – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has reportedly been kicked from the Senate Server for too much lag, sources confirm.
“Those who want to play politics are required to have a certain response time,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. “Although we appreciate his years of gameplay, the lag has simply become unbearable and it’s time for everyone to vote kick.”
McConnell told reporters gathered outside his office that he felt although his lag was a bit elevated, he still had what it takes to contribute to the Silent Generation team.
“Today I’m proud to…” McConnell said, freezing entirely for several moments as others sped by around him. “…”
Kentucky residents who’ve allegedly played with McConnell outside of politics noted his struggles with lag follow him everywhere. They say he is known in virtual Mahjong & Scrabble communities to arrange tiles in ways that didn’t make coherent sense and that his cognitive and computing frame rates can’t keep up with online crossword puzzles.
“I carried our co-op online crossword session from start to finish,” said Meredith Jefferson, 87. “He couldn’t even remember that Sinatra sang Fly Me To The Moon! Just anxiously froze up and kept stammering to himself about tax cuts for the rich or something.”
According to several interviews, many of McConnell’s constituents are unhappy with his laginess, and overall unwillingness to move forward with time. Even Daniel Hawkins, a rare Gen-z conservative who voted in favor of McConnell’s healthcare paywalls, wasn’t buying him as an effective team player any longer.
“Every time the team needs him for something he is completely frozen and won’t respond,” Hawkins said. “I even saw him glitch through several long-held political norms. At first I liked that but now it’s time to kick.”
At press time, we are still waiting for a reply from McConnell’s office.
