FAYETTEVILLE Ark. — Isolated gamer Greg Biscuit has resorted to numbing his hands and then playing video games to alleviate the crushing despair of his solitary life, sources have confirmed.
“You know how hard it is to live each day by yourself?” Biscuit asked, sitting on his hands. “I need companionship, and since I refuse to go out and actually meet people, this is the next best thing. It works pretty well. I sit on my hands for an hour or so, and when they start turning blue, I sit back and pretend my best friend, who I have named Benjamin, is playing right next to me.”
Biscuit’s father expressed concerns about his son’s newfound hobby.
“All day he just sits in his room, on his hands,” his father said. “Most of the time he isn’t even playing since it takes so long to get them numb. He can’t even lift a fork to eat anymore due to how bad his circulation has gotten. His mother and I haven’t been able to talk to him for days. Please Greg, if you’re reading this, we miss you and love you.”
While the cure seemed fool-proof, Biscuit faced difficulties in the quest to destroy his loneliness.
“I’m only really able to play super easy and simple games,” Biscuit said while playing Breakout. “Even then, I’ll still mess up and have a mental breakdown, both due to the loneliness and my inability to complete a level. It sucks cause I really did enjoy action-packed games, but if I have to choose between either Pong and a ghostly sense of there being another human in my vicinity, or Dark Souls and loneliness, I’m gonna choose the former.”
At press time, Biscuit’s hands had become so misshapen that he had lost the ability to game, forcing him to watch Let’s Plays alone instead.