OPEN WATERS, Hyrule — Hero of legend Link was reportedly thrilled to find himself dying of hunger in the cold sea after saving a giant fish god who was having a bad dream.
“My experience living in the Wind Fish’s dream — experiencing Koholint Island, defeating all of the nightmares — is something I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. Which probably won’t be much longer considering I am now stranded on a log in the middle of the ocean without any food or a sail,” said an emaciated Link. “When the dream ended and I saw the Wind Fish flying above me, I expected that he would at least offer me a ride or something. Instead, he kept swimming through the air off into the horizon. I am so seriously screwed right now. I hope someone at least writes a ballad about me after I die.”
When reached for comment, the Wind Fish appeared unconcerned about the hero’s plight.
“Gosh, you know, I’d really like to save that young boy who helped me out. But I am really busy,” said the giant kaleidoscopic whale god. “It’s like, a really nice day out and I’ve been through a lot recently with those nightmares messing with my dreams so I think I need to take some ‘me’ time and enjoy these cool ocean wind currents. Besides, he’s got those pegasus boots doesn’t he? I bet he could just run across the water. Assuming I didn’t dream that… I mean umm I’m getting sleepy again bye.”
Princess Zelda seemed miffed that Link had not shown up to work yet.
“Unless his boat got hit by lightning on the way here, I am going to be so pissed when I see him,” said Zelda. “He’s always coming up with these lame excuses for why he’s not showing up to work. ‘The Temple of Seasons sunk, some tiny people gave me a hat that shrank me, I had to go to my uncle’s funeral,’ yadda yadda yadda. I bet he’ll tell me some bullshit about getting himself stuck inside a whale’s dream or something. You’d have to be some sort of bored employee making fanfiction after work to come up with something that dumb, though.”
At press time, it was reported that Link was able to stave off starvation for a little while longer by eating a seagull he caught which had a red hibiscus flower tucked into its feathers.
