KYOTO, Japan — Longtime Zelda Series Director Eiji Aounuma announced DLC for The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom that will add fan “favorite” Tingle to the mix and let players do “whatever they want” to the character.
“We just figured, the hell with it,” Aonuma explained. “We saw what players were doing to Koroks — the rockets, the crucifying, the burning alive — it was pretty disturbing. Then we thought about how great it would be if all that stuff happened to Tingle instead. I know it’s just a character we created, but we hate thinking about him. I mean, his voice is so annoying, and he’s always trying to sell maps. Why? This has been a long time coming. Finally The Legend of Zelda series reaches its true potential!”
According to leaked cutscenes, Tingle is reportedly thrilled to finally be included in the new Zelda game.
“Lucky! Lucky! Tingle is so lucky to get to be with the great hero, Mr. Fairy!” Tingle exclaims in the cutscene, striking a pose. “Tingle asked if he would be selling maps, or giving hints to Mr. Fairy, but Tingle was told no. So Tingle isn’t sure what he’ll be doing. Whatever it is, it’ll sure beat getting my balloon popped over The Great Bay, or getting locked up on Windfall Island. Tingle is sure it will be fun! Yes! Yes! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Kooloo-Limpah!”
One lucky streamer on Twitch, “TingleHate98” was allowed special early access to the DLC.
“My Tingle trebuchet is coming along nicely.” TingleHate98 said, explaining his machinations. “Over here’s my Tingle smasher, there’s the Tingle shooting gallery. Right now I’m working on rounding up four horses so I can fuse them to Tingle’s limbs and send them all running in different directions. I started doing this for my Twitch stream, but now I just do it for me. Can you believe I got banned from Twitch for ‘violent extremism?’ Anyway, I can’t demo any of this for you right now, Tingle’s currently being rotisseried above Death Mountain.”
At press time, Tingle was heard shouting “Unlucky! Unlucky!” while fused to the fist of a giant Zonai mech suit.
