NEW YORK — An opinionated gamer with a habit of letting the world know what he would do if he was in charge for a while has been appointed to the top position within Sony, shocked sources have confirmed.
“Jesus Christ, I thought I was in line, or at least would be considered after all of my time with the company,” said Rod Haverstatt, a longtime Sony executive. “So imagine my surprise when someone named Cock_Licker_520 became my new boss yesterday? And look, it’s not about whether or not they lick cocks, I really don’t care about that sort of thing. But they are grossly underqualified! He wrote an email to all of our programmers telling them to make their shit less whack or they can start sleeping under their desks. How is that being a leader?”
Despite the controversial hiring, many have applauded the corporation for their atypical approach to filling the high profile job opening.
“Sure it’s weird to hire an angry kid off the internet to steer your giant company,” said Leslie McGown, a local gamer. “But it’s also pretty weird to just promote the next in a long line of dumb ass executives like every other corporation seems intent on doing. What’s the worst that could happen if an outsider comes in and tries some shit? Plus he’s promised to make PS+ less ‘gay,’ so I’m very interested in seeing what sort of plans he has for the service’s future.”
Cock_Licker_520 couldn’t believe his good fortune.
“I can’t believe those [people at Sony] hired me because of the shit I was talking in the YouTube comments of the Dead Island 2 trailer,” said the young CEO. “We’ve had some good meetings so far and I got them all working on PlayStation 6 and 7 at the same time so we don’t have to wait that long anymore. And also, get ready for a lot more Call of Duty games. A whole hell of a lot.”
As of press time, Sony had fired it’s senior vice president and appointed Cock_Licker_520’s older brother who has his driver’s license to the role.
