#40 — Ferra & Torr
Ferra & Torr do their best to make you feel like you’re an equal part of the throuple, but you’ll always know deep down that you cannot have the same bond as two people symbiotically paired due to one being a young rider and the other being a gigantic masked mount.
#39 — Drahmin
Drahmin is known for having fits of intense rage, which is a huge red flag for anyone who seeks to date him. But here’s the thing: who wouldn’t have unrestrained rage if they had no skin? If they had a weird iron club for an arm? If they had a sword lodged in their back? If they were too scared to show their face? Just slowly remove the mask from his disgusting head and smile slightly, as he collapses into your arms crying. That’s right, Drahmin. Everything’s OK now. Also, I booked you a therapist.
#38 — Frost
“Frost is cool!” you’ll say to yourself. “I dunno why people act like she’s so mean.” Then you kinda beat her in a board game — not even a real one, it’s something for kids, like Candyland — and she throws the entire table into the wall.
#37 — Fujin
If you like Raiden, but hate that he’s so serious and never around, then allow me to introduce you to Fujin. Fujin may not have the lightning and thunder of his hotter older brother, but you know what he does have? His toothbrush at your apartment. And also wind powers, for some reason. That’s kinda cool, right? Right??
#36 — Sonya Blade
Look, I get it. Sonya Blade is hot. And yeah, she cooked you breakfast in bed a few times. But she works for basically the Space FBI, so don’t bring up politics with her or you’re gonna find out real fast that she considers a lot of your best friends “violent space criminals.”
#35 — Daegon
Daegon is a mostly good partner except that he keeps referring to himself as “daddy” in the third person. Like you ask if he can pick up some groceries for dinner and he’s like “yes, daddy will go to Trader Joe’s to get you snacks” and you ask him to stop but he just can’t stop doing it.
#34 — Havik
“Ah ha ha! I love CHAOS! And also YOU!” Havik is famously an anarchist and he can definitely be pretentious about his beliefs. But when he’s not spreading discord, allying himself with whoever will further his ambitions, he’s volunteering at a food co-op and arguing with people on Twitter about why they shouldn’t use the r-word. He’s a passionate guy who cares about his beliefs!
#33 — Tanya
Tanya is cool. She would be a good spouse, even though all your friends are like “uhhh you know she’s corrupted by evil, right?” OK but what does that actually mean? Because mostly we just hang out and binge reality TV shows. Do you have some examples of her evil, or did you just hear that from Jade or some shit?
#32 — Raiden
As the eternal God of Thunder, Raiden is the ultimate long-distance husband. Yeah, he’s great when he’s around, except that he’s pretty much never fucking around. He’s always going off on important missions, mumbling platitudes about the importance of saving the blah blah blah. What about my Myrealm, Raiden? When are you going to save that?
#31 — Li Mei
Li Mei is nice enough, but you just have nothing in common with her. Every time you talk, she’s just going on and on about the Forces of Light and civil wars and armageddons and your eyes just start glazing over. Your mutual friend set you up on a blind date. You gotta talk to that friend about why they thought this was a good idea.
#30 — D’Vorah
D’Vorah is a chill spouse who you’ll get along with so long as you don’t mind your entire home being overrun with ants and roaches. That’s a huge turn-off for a lot of people. And, honestly, she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder about it. “You really don’t care about all the bugs?” she asks you, three years into dating. “Yes, D’Vorah. I don’t care about the bugs.” You kinda do, though.
#29 — Cyrax
Cyrax is a truly loving and caring person, despite his crippling depression, which often gets the better of him and turns him into a pretty miserable person to be around. Cyrax’s friends tell him that maybe he needs to spend some time single to work on himself, but the guy’s got so much love to give. Maybe you can fix him? I mean, he’s a cyborg… you’ve got a screwdriver, right?
#28 — Noob Saibot
Noob Saibot was your high school boyfriend back when he was still Sub-Zero. You both learned a lot about yourselves and each other during that time, but ultimately broke up because you went to different colleges and he thought he was gonna be getting laid all the goddamn time (he ultimately had sex two times in four years).
#27 — Kotal Kahn
Kotal Kahn is a totally great spouse who really can’t complain about too much, especially to your friends with shittier partners. But…. it’s a lot that every time he does something, he laughs to himself and says, “that’s a Kotal Kahn move!” And honestly it’s on you for finding something so harmless so annoying. But it just is.
#26 — Baraka
Baraaaaaakkkkkkaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Baraka is so cool, dude. He’s not the best spouse, sure. But the four months you spent with him are some of the fuckin wildest times of your entire life. And that’s worth something, right? RIGHT?!
#25 — Mileena
Mileena’s a really cool crazy girlfriend to have for a minute until you realize she is only dating you because she knows you hooked up with Kitana one time and wants to make her jealous even though Kitana literally does not remember that you exist. That one month was fun, though!
#24 — Moloch
Moloch’s bio card says “Moloch is a creature known more for his strength than his intellect.” Yeah, sure, you can say that if you want. If you’re NOT interested in living your own version of The Shape of Water but if the fish guy was hot. Your call, fucko.
#23 — Shang Tsung
Shang Tsung is your classic bad boy. Can you fix him? Probably not. He’s one of those guys who is super focused on his career, except his career is eating people’s souls. That being said, he has a really good sense of humor and you can’t deny that when you go out with him, it’s just electric.
#22 — Quan-Chi
Quan-Chi is so goddamn sweet and lovely, but he just has the absolute worst taste in media. You look at him after a long day, and think, wow I love this guy. But then he motions you over to the couch and watches three hours straight of Young Sheldon, cackling at every joke, before he goes to sleep.
#21 — Jacqui Briggs
In a tournament of gods, murderers, and psychos, Jacqui Briggs is basically just a regular person. So yeah, she’s a solid girlfriend! Except that she has one major flaw: she’s in her early 20s. Maybe that’s not as weird as having knives for hands or whatever, but it can definitely be a lot to handle at times.
