#20 — Shujinko
A loving partner and a good spouse, Shujinko needs to just forgive himself for letting the Dragon King into the world. We ALL make mistakes. It’s NOT your fault (well, actually it’s entirely your fault, but maybe just watch that scene in Good Will Hunting a few more times, babe)! Let’s not talk about Onaga, the Dragon King anymore. It’s date night.
#19 — Kitana
As a 10,000 year old woman who looks 25, Kitana has a lot she could teach you on a one night stand. Unfortunately, outside of that, she wants none of your shit. She knows she’s beautiful — she’s had 10,000 years to figure it out. Meanwhile, you’re still in therapy to get over your childhood dog that died 15 years ago.
#18 — Chameleon
Chameleon is a cool guy and a kind partner, but there’s something kinda sad about him. Like he’s harboring a secret that he desperately wants to tell the world and yet can’t. Our time together when we were young was nice, but I hope he is able to one day figure himself out.
#17 — Khameleon
OK, yea, she’s back. Turns out she was trans. Glad to see she’s thriving now!
#16 — Mavado
🚨 GOTH BOYFRIEND ALERT 🚨 GOTH BOYFRIEND ALERT 🚨
#15 — Mokap
Mokap is a normal man fighting to stay relevant in a tournament of insanity. He’s dedicated to his job, which could lead to his death at any moment, but his passion is inspiring. He’s just trying to do three things: survive Mortal Kombat, capture his motion so that animators can use his acting to create CGI characters, and be a good husband. And he mostly succeeds at all three.
#14 — Sub-Zero
We all know where Sub-Zero gets his name. That’s right, the famous chilly ninja loves to be dominated by a strong partner. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t assertive outside of the bedroom. Sub-Zero is a solid husband who’s there for you, so long as you’re there for him… which is to say, so long as you step on him while he jacks off.
#13 — Nightwolf
Nightwolf is a good guy who loves animals, archery, and summoning portals. He’s your classic nice guy boyfriend you bring home to show your parents, which is huge, especially if your parents have always wanted you to date a nice boy who uses green and lightning magic.
#12 — Darrius
Under Darrius’ “powers and abilities” should have the phrase “Darrius is fuckin dope as hell.” Because Darrius is fuckin dope as hell. He’s the kind of guy who can make anything he says sound cool and he’s the perfect kind of spouse to anyone who wants to be second command of a revolution. He’ll rearrange their outsides and rearrange your insides.
#11 — Jade
Jade would be your cool sassy wife who’s super fun to hang out with, but who you are constantly apologizing to your friends for after she calls them a “little dick-for-a-nose bitch” in a spree of confusing, but funny, insults that ultimately feels more mean than funny. But she was right!
#10 — Shao Kahn
Shao Kahn was once the Emperor of Outworld, and yes he loves to consume and manipulate souls. He also knows how to fix a leaky faucet and cook a mean ratatouille. This isn’t a list about who is the most evil guy, it’s a list about who is the best spouse. And at the end of the day, there’s nothing nicer than hearing your door creak as he enters your house and then his booming voice: “AHAHAHA! THE CREAKINESS OF THIS DOOR SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY POWER TOOLS!”
#9 — Goro
Goro, the 4,000-year old half-human dragon man, has four arms so that he can properly pleasure four people at once. That’s right: Goro is ethically non-monogamous and he’s a loving partner to all four [half-human dragon] people he’s with. Put that under “power and abilities” on his wikipedia page, cowards.
#8 — Nitara
🚨 GOTH GIRLFRIEND ALERT 🚨 GOTH GIRLFRIEND ALERT 🚨
#7 — Geras
Geras has the ability to manipulate the “Sands of Time” so that, if he ever makes a mistake, he can just rewind time and replay it exactly the right way. It helps a lot in fights — both in Mortal Kombat and relationships. As a result, he has the ability to make himself literally the perfect spouse. It’s a little creepy the way he does it, but hey, you can’t argue with the results!
#6 — Sindel
Absolute cougar. She’ll do whatever it takes to take care of you, if it means making you some soup or murdering all your enemies. And sure, most of what she does is to secure power — but who doesn’t want their partner to have their own interests and goals? Stop being so selfish.
#5 — Jax
If Jax is three things, these are those things: (1) kind husband, (2) caring father, and (3) has metal arms. Jax is the kind of guy who does the dishes for you even though you were supposed to do them. That being said, he’s definitely going to remind you a few times that he did them, and that, oh, by the way, he went back in time to end slavery one time. But it’s cool, hun! You’re welcome!
#4 — Scorpion
“Get over here!” Scorpion yells, impaling you with the spike at the end of his chain, and pulling you in close for a hug. Sure, Scorpion used to have a lot of anger issues, and yes, he has joined forces with evil groups in order to resurrect his clan on Earth, and, of course, his head is a flaming skull, but when it’s just you two at home, he is the most down-to-earthrealm guy there is.
#3 — Liu Kang
Liu Kang is husband material. He’s the classic nice guy you’re happy to show your parents. “Check out my new boyfriend, mom and dad! He is the eternal God of Fire and Keeper of Time!” His powers and abilities include fire-based projectiles, increased acrobatic skill, and a willingness to perform oral.
#2 — Sheeva
Sheeva is a great partner who uses all four of her arms for what she calls “big hugs.” And let me tell ya, big hugs solve everything. She’s a softie! The kinda person who would go see some show for a shitty band she’s never heard of but she knows you like.
#1 — Meat
At the end of the day, there’s no better spouse in the world than Meat. An escaped experiment created by Shang Tsung, Meat knows that he might not have the looks of Johnny Cage or status of Raiden, so he makes up for it by simply being a loving partner. You come home from work — you’ve had the worst damn day — and Meat’s there on the couch, with a smile, ripping out his eyeball for you to consume. For you to heal. Meat may not feel pain, but he feels your pain, and he’s here to help you work through it.
