MINNETONKA, Minn — Luigi Mangione, the alleged shooter of former UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been sentenced to 25 years of coverage by United Healthcare.
“I’m just glad justice has been served for our dearly departed friend and CEO whose name we will never dare forget, our beloved Brad Thomas,” interim United Healthcare CEO Andrew Witty said. “Ben was a beloved member of the United Healthcare family and I’m sure Bob’s own family is grateful justice has been served.” When pressed on the unusual sentencing Witty responded, “What greater punishment could Brody’s killer be subjected to than this? But don’t worry, we will treat him no harsher than we do any of our other clients, and look forward to a fruitful quarter century for our shareholders by ensuring all his claims are denied.”
Judge Trudy Meyers, who addressed Mangione in court while issuing the sentence, did not mince words.
“I have never seen a young man so full of malice in all my days presiding over this court,” Judge Meyers said. “There are plenty of toll evaders, homeless, minorities, and otherwise lesser people whose lives you could have taken, and were that the case I would not feel so inclined to mete out such a harsh sentence but in this instance you leave me no choice but to impose the harshest ruling possible. Do you have any idea of the return I’ve seen on my United Healthcare stocks after, I forget his name, that you ruthlessly gunned down took over? Did you even stop to think of the shareholders?”
The prosecution, headed by District Attorney Rod Biggums, spoke to the press after the sentence was issued.
“I think the judge has it right in this case,” Biggums said. “This is America. And in America, we don’t kill our chief executives; We idolize and revere them. We hold them tenderly to our hearts like we would a baby bunny. Further, if Mr. Mangione had spent more time pulling on his bootstraps and less time feeling sorry for himself and obsessing over his debilitating chronic back pain that UnitedHealthcare refused to cover treatment of – for I’m sure for very good reasons – he might have one day helmed a parasitic corporation of his own. Sadly, he chose another path.”
At press time, Mangione was receiving a standing ovation from a crowd of onlookers as he was handed over to UnitedHealthcare’s custody.
