We recently conducted an extensive survey and reported back on the most popular video game in each of the United States. As informative as our research was, we found most people to be very forthcoming about the games they didn’t like, often without asking. Sometimes well after we’d insisted our interview was over and we’d gotten the information that we needed. Nevertheless, when we gathered our notes, it turns out that people in different parts of the country hate different games for all different reasons. It’s kind of a beautiful thing, when you think about it. This melting pot of ours. Here is the most hated video game in each state!
Alabama: PowerWash Simulator
“The blood stays on the knife,” says Liam Neeson to his young son before a battle in the film Gangs of New York. In Alabama they feel the same way about mud on the truck.
Alaska: Stardew Valley
A place with extreme weather and a public transit system composed of dogs, Stardew Valley is just super boring to the kind folks in Alaska. “Nothing personal, Stardew Valley,” Alaska was quoted as saying for this piece.
They don’t even sell this game in Arizona. They voted on it!
Arkansas: Mortal Kombat 1
You don’t just forget your history one day. That’s the state motto of Arkansas, at least.
California: The Apprentice Starring Donald Trump
We get it California, you’re soooo liberal!
Colorado: Police Simulator: Patrol Officers
Tied with every one of those other stupid games where you pretend to be a cop.
Connecticut: Resident Evil
No one is sure why, but a shocking number of Connecticut residents are convinced that all of these games happened for real, even the shit with like, the President’s daughter and all that. I don’t get it, but I’m just writing up what we found here.
That thing where you can’t land on a gas planet really pissed ’em off in Delaware.
Florida: Death Stranding
They don’t want to think about this kind of stuff down there yet.
Georgia: Elden Ring
The minimum wage in Georgia is fucking $7.25 an hour, dude. They don’t need this kind of shit in their lives on top of that, you know?
Hawaii: Silent Hill
Silent Hill scares ‘em shitless in Hawaii. The snow alone would be enough, but then all that weird stuff starts happening too.
The cat-to-person ratio in Idaho is too close for comfort. They worry a thing like this means they’re fully taking over.
Illinois: Madden 24
The new Madden game is as accurate to real life as ever, much to the dismay of Chicago Bears fans.
Indiana: Mario Hoops 3-on-3
After what was interpreted an insult to the sanctity of basketball, Mario was made an outlaw, and subsequent games and the recent film have been banned in the state. God help the Indiana boy whose father discovers a copy of this game under his bed.
Iowa: 12 Minutes
I asked my buddy Parker, who’s from Iowa, and he said the loop-based 12 Minutes. Poor guy hates this game, and here I am asking him so speak for Iowa every week when I write one of these, making his life feel like some goddamn loop. Sorry, Parker.
Kansas: The Lion King
Kansas is convinced that the classic Disney adaptation is the reason the weird Wizard of Oz game on SNES didn’t gain a larger audience. Yeah Kansas, I bet that’s it.
Kentucky: The Oregon Trail
One man from Kentucky told me, “If getting to Oregon’s the point of the game, I’m just gonna drown us all in the first river I see!”
Louisiana: Trombone Champ
People in Louisiana resent that any asshole in the world can play ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’ now.
Maine: Crash Bandicoot series
Crash is cute and cuddly to most of the country, but to the Bandicoot-ravaged communities of Maine, the character remains sicker and more twisted than anything Stephen King has ever written.
Maryland: Ori and the Will of the Wisps
“That’s nawt a true Metrahdvania ’cause it doesn’t have progressive nahn-lineaharity,” they all told me.
Massachusetts: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater
Most of the country agrees that the Pro Skater games are stone cold classics, but in Massachusetts, they ride for their boy Andy MacDonald and the one skating game he put out on the Dreamcast. You have to admire that loyalty, but damn, you guys are missing out!
Michigan: WWF No Mercy
Similar to Massachusetts, where most of the world sees a beloved wrestling game for the Nintendo 64, most Michiganders were never able to see past the unforgivable exclusion of the Insane Clown Posse’s Violent J.
Minnesota: Mario 64
While the rest of the country loved this platforming classic, Minnesotans objected to their homeland’s harsh portrayal in Cool, Cool Mountain.
Mississippi: Yo! Noid
Most have forgotten The Noid, the short-lived Domino’s Pizza mascot that bullied, upset, and generally terrorized people, and a smaller, prouder few have grown to love him. The people of Mississippi, however, have never forgiven, and certainly haven’t forgotten.
Missouri talked our ear off, but refused to name a game they didn’t like. They’re just too nice.