#17 — Smash Bros.
Yes, there is actually a Smash Bros. ability in a couple of the Kirby games. Take on Kirby’s full moveset from the Super Smash Bros. series of games and show them that he’s an S-tier fighter after all. No wavedashing allowed. Please don’t groom your captives if they are under-age.
#16 — ESP
Use mind control to convince your captors to blow their brains out and escape totally guilt-free! Then, start a reality show or something, I dunno!
#15 — Suplex
If you’re gonna make an exit, might as well make it flashy. Tie a headband around your head and go all Rambo on their asses by muscling your way out of there, shattering every bone in their bodies as revenge for what they did to you.
#14 — Staff
Be like Son Goku from Journey to the West! Your magical extending bo staff is quite versatile. It’s absolutely deadly when in the right hands, and can make for a very convenient escape. At the end of the day, very few abilities are even close to as powerful as “big stick.”
#13 — Ninja
Ninjas are always cool. You can attack from the cover of darkness, and make your way to safety completely stealthily. The Ninja ability has an expansive move-set that is almost tailor-made for being in a hostage situation. Straight up: I’m not a history buff, but I think Ninjas may have originated from little round pink guys being held hostage for ransom. Don’t quote me on it.
#12 — Poison
With the Poison ability, you can emit deadly toxins to destroy your enemies from the inside, causing their flesh to quickly rot. Just hope to god that you are somehow immune. Imagine how sad it would be if you could shoot poison out of your head that also killed you. Cringe.
#11 — Cupid
While your captors will just think you’ve just died and turned into an angel, the joke’s on them as you fly around and rain deadly pointed arrows down upon them. And the best part: they’re friggin in love with you, baby. God you’re so hot!
#10 — Mike
Turn into a rockstar and scream so loudly that you kill everyone. Then, develop a crippling addiction to fame and drugs.
#9 — Mecha
Let’s face it, you’re finally living out your childhood fantasy with this one. Don a mech suit and unleash a devastating charge blast, shock knuckle, inferno palm, or any number of great attacks from your moveset, and fly away to freedom once the job is completed. Just do your absolute best here to NOT begin the Third Impact due to your crippling loneliness and the horror of growing up with a father who despises you.
#8 — Yo-Yo
Make no mistake– yo-yos can be an incredibly deadly weapon when in the right hands. Walk the dog, eiffel tower, and barrel roll yourself out of an early grave. Bottom line: getting hit by a yo-yo really hurts!
#7 — Crash
Murder everything in one suicidal, fiery blast. It’s better to burn out than fade away, I suppose. Maybe you could say you were protesting Climate Change or something.
#6 — Animal
Claw your captors’ faces off while wearing the skin of an animal, and dig your way to freedom. The experience will likely leave you more beast than human, but trauma works in weird ways. Maybe you could write a book about it or something? That would probably make a lot of money.
#5 — Drill
Similarly to Animal, you can also dig your way out with the Drill ability. And while you’re at it, if you dig a loop around your captors, you can take out the ground beneath them, completely incapacitating them just to be safe. Warning: this power-up does NOT give you any powers related to famed “weird Twitter” personality Dril.
#4 — UFO
Turn into a mysterious flying UFO version of yourself, and float your way to safety. Comes equipped with laser beams and everything! The only downside is if the government captures you, they will definitely conduct deadly experiments for the remainder of your extremely short and horrifying life.
#3 – Wheel
The Wheel ability is used in so many great escape sequences in some of the best Kirby games out there. Similarly, you can turn into a large wheel version of yourself and ride off into the sunset, leaving this whole mess behind you. And you get to wear a cool backwards hat while you do it. That’s what boosts this to #3, let’s be real.
#2 — Ranger
Oh thank god, I finally got a GUN. This is the Kirby ability that just puts a straight up WEAPON in your hand. Eat this, suckers!
#1 — Cook
Summon a large cooking pot that everyone in the surrounding area gets sucked into, boiled alive, and cooked into food that can replenish any health from wounds you may have sustained while being held hostage. Don’t feel bad about eating them after what they’ve put you through, but make no mistake that this experience has definitely changed you. A lot. You’re free…. but at what cost?
