Godzilla fans are no strangers to endless debates about which kaiju is the strongest, or fastest, or even just the coolest. These arguments are all well-trodden ground, but what about each kaiju’s parental ability? Sure, only a few of these monsters have canonical offspring, but I think we can observe their behavior and make an educated guess about which kaiju would be best at raising a child. In fact, I know we can, because I did just that in the list below.
#33 — Mechagodzilla
It’s a classic case of wire mother, radioactive-keloid-scarring mother. The babies choose the radiation every time.
#32 — Hedorah
As far as I can tell, Hedorah smothers out all life within its general vicinity. That’s not a bad metaphor for parenting, but it is bad parenting.
#31 — Giant Octopus
Octopus mothers literally starve themselves to death while protecting their eggs from predators. That might sound like a noble sacrifice, but when you think about it, it’s super toxic. Imagine having that hanging over your head your whole life.
#30 — Megaguirus
Megaguirus sends her children out to perform labor for her then literally sucks the energy out of them to sustain and empower herself. Wow, this list is turning out to be pretty metaphor-heavy.
#29 — Ebirah
I mean, it’s a giant lobster. It sucked as a kaiju; I bet it would also suck at raising children.
#28 — Destoroyah
This is a weird one, since Destoroyah is the aggregate form of countless individual juveniles. Are they its parents? Is Destoroyah like a reverse mom to all of them? I can’t really puzzle it out, and we’re talking about a kaiju who had no problem murdering Godzilla Junior, so I’m just going to assume that it would be a bad parent.
#27 — King Ghidorah
Unless those three heads are played by Tom Selleck, Steve Gutenberg, and Ted Dansen, then I just don’t see this working out.
#26 — Kamacuras
Kamacuras are giant praying mantises, meaning it would be pretty easy for them to keep their kids in line. They could just say something like, “You better stop crying unless you want to end up like your dad.” I guess that would work well in the short term, but it’s probably going to inflict some kind of lasting trauma.
#25 — Varan
I don’t think Varan would ever have kids. He would want to, and would make plans to, but something would always come up. It would never be the right time. He’d be at birthday parties for his friends’ kids, and people would keep asking, “So, when will it be your turn?” Varan would laugh politely to hide the pain inside and say, “Oh, someday. Someday.”
#24 — Megalon
You can’t hug your child with giant drill arms.
#23 — Battra
Sorry, guys. Battra is uncle-coded. He’s an alternate version of your parents that seems super cool when you’re young, but the allure fades as you get older and realize that there’s a reason he doesn’t show up to most holidays, and it’s not because he’s got other plans.
#22 — Gabara
Gabara is a schoolyard bully transformed into a giant monster by a child’s imagination. Bullies command authority like parents, they are overly concerned with your sexuality like parents, but they give out way more wedgies than any parent ever should.
#21 — Orga
Despite the fact that the Millennians made sure to collect a DNA sample from a man who was holding a “World’s #1 Dad” coffee mug and incorporate it into their abominable creation, Orga inevitably falls short of their high standards. Your dad could beat up Orga.
#20 — M.O.G.U.E.R.A.
I don’t think M.O.G.U.E.R.A. would be a good parent on its own. I do think it would be a good toy to give a screaming child to distract it and shut it up for five minutes or so. That’s gotta count for something.
#19 — Gigan
Gigan is at least part chicken, an animal that famously lets humans harvest its eggs and even its young. I don’t know for sure that Gigan does the same, but it doesn’t fill me with confidence.
#18 — Kumonga
There are some species of spider that carry their newborns on their backs, right? I think I saw that on National Geographic or something before I managed to find the remote.
#17 — Mothra
You’re probably shocked to see Mothra ranked so poorly, since she is widely known for protecting her eggs and is associated with birth and motherhood. But tell me this: in all the time we have spent with any of the Mothras, have you ever seen them actually raise their young? No! They just die and leave the burden of caring for their larvae to the inhabitants of Infant Island! Those guys are the real heroes.
#16 — Manda
Both dragons and the word “Mom” are traditionally popular tattoos. Personally, I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
#15 — Biollante
Okay, so Biollante is an unholy monster created by combining the DNA of a rose, Godzilla, and a young woman. It was the last, desperate attempt by the young woman’s father to bring her back to life. Sure, she went a little crazy at first, but once she works through those issues, I’m sure she’ll settle down and start a family, just like her dad wanted her to.
#14 — Baragon
Baragon would really try his best. He’d go to work every day, get back in time to read bedtime stories to his kids every night, and go to all of their Little League games. He would still get blamed for everything during therapy.
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