The finale of Succession is tonight and thus, the end of an era. Here are some tips to help prepare for the end of the show.
Pre-grieve
You can’t be sad about the show ending if you pre-grieve!
Install Max
You’re gonna feel like a fucking idiot when you realize you have to install a whole new goddamn app to watch this show and then you get spoiled on Twitter that Roman and Greg fuck because you’re 20 minutes behind.
Forget about the boy you drowned
You have to forget. It’s behind you now. And everything is going to be OK. You’re safe.
Burn an effigy to your favorite Roy child
Everyone wants their favorite Roy to sit upon the Iron CEO Throne at the end of the show. For good luck, print out a photo of that Roy and light it on fire, feeling the warmth of the flames dance upon your fingertips.
Read a stupid fucking fan theory
Uhhh did you know that Roman’s name is Rome because like the city in Italy and it uhhh it represents like the Pope or something and “pope” is four letters, which is one more than CEO, so it’s gonna be the person one-older than him, so it’s Shiv. Yeah.
Go to Ray’s bar
There’s still a few hours to go, so head to Ray’s bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, co-owned by Cousin Greg actor Nicholas Braun, to watch the tall Machiavellian fuck hit on girls literally half his age!
Read up on the history of Waystar Royco
Remember: this show is a documentary and everything in it really happened in real life. So get some extra context by reading up on the history of the company we’re all watching crown a successor to the great Logan Roy on our TVs!
Get pumped
Call an uber to just drive you around the block a few times while you listen to Beastie Boys on your big headphones. You’re just like Kendall Roy and you’re daddy’s #1 boy.
Check out 100 Foot Wave
I think I’m the only person who watches this show but it’s on HBO before Succession every week and it’s about this absolute nutjob who is obsessed with surfing and was in a cult and named his son Barrel. WTF?
Build your arguments
The fun of watching any media in 2023 is arguing with freaks on the internet until your face turns red. You have a few hours before the finale starts, so start writing those tweets and Reddit posts now, that way you can tell all those fucking idiots they don’t understand the show like you do.
Rewatch out the Sopranos
Hold on, you haven’t seen The Sopranos? WHAT? Dude, what? You really haven’t seen it? You gotta watch the Sopranos. Actually, fuck Succession. Just start up The Sopranos right now. Holy shit I can’t believe you haven’t seen it! Dude!
