BURBANK, Calif. — Marvel has announced their next feature film: a Venmo handle where fans can go ahead and forward $25 of their money directly to the company.
“We looked at the movies we’re putting out, and the people who are seeing them, and we decided it’s not worth the effort anymore. This charade has gone on long enough,” said Kevin Feige, President of Marvel Studios, in a somber press release. “Starting now, we’re just going to repost ‘venmo = @MarvelMovieFans’ every few months and see how that goes.”
Disney CEO Bob Iger explained the financial rationale for the decision.
“Box office receipts for Marvel are trending down, but if you analyze the numbers, you’ll see there’s a base level of human who keeps showing up. No matter how bad the movies get, these fans are going to pay for that horseshit every time. So, we thought, what if we remove the movies entirely? Maybe these folks just like giving us their money,” said Iger in a conference call with shareholders. “If this works, we estimate savings of about $200 million per film.”
Iger claimed the decision was about more than money, however — it was about ethics.
“@MarvelMovieFans does more than cut the budget. It sets everyone free from this endless cycle, where we disappoint our fans and they come back to us, eyes full of hope, expecting us to change, only to be disappointed again. We can’t do this to them anymore. It’s not right,” said Iger at the end of the call. “So, we’re asking, for your own good and ours: Venmo us $25.”
At press time, DC had already announced a competing movie using a similar concept, but the payment link appeared to be broken.
