LOS ANGELES — Actor Christopher Walken announced today that his 102 degree fever was simply for more cowbell and had nothing to do with the rise in COVID-19 cases nationwide.
“Guess what? I’ve got a fever! And a dry cough, a tingling in my chest, as well as shortness of breath. And the only prescription… is more cowbell!” Walken said before having a coughing fit. “I put my pants on just like the rest of you. Incredibly slowly because standing up and walking over to my dresser feels akin to running a marathon. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records and I lay on the floor for upwards of 45-minutes.”
Those close to Walken, however, are concerned that his illness is more serious than he is letting on.
“This is incredibly serious. Chris needs to go to the hospital and get himself tested for coronavirus. I don’t know, if I’m the only one, I’ll shut up,” said former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Parnell.
“Chris really needs to go to the doctor and find out if he has coronavirus,” said The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon, desperately holding back giggles.
“Can I just say one thing?” asked comedian and actor Will Ferrell. “I’m standing here staring at acting legend Christopher Walken! And if Christopher Walken says he doesn’t have coronavirus, we should probably believe he doesn’t have coronavirus!”
“Say it baby,” Walken exclaimed, reaching for an inhaler.
At press time, Christopher Walken died of a cowbell overdose. An autopsy report showed zero trace of COVID-19.
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