RALEIGH, N.C. — Local gamer Austin Simmons reportedly considered playing a new RPG tonight before realizing he just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment, sympathetic sources confirmed.
“I’d heard a lot about this game from single friends and thought maybe tonight is finally the night. But goddamn, after minute 45 of the first cutscene, I just knew I couldn’t commit,” said Simmons. “I have one, maybe two hours to myself after the family goes to bed. How long can a guy wait before his character gets some action? At least let me camera pan! I’m not saying I’m totally giving up and downloading Candy Crush, but this just doesn’t work for me.”
According to those close to the information, Layla Simmons, his wife and self-proclaimed ‘partner-in-crime,’ fully understands.
“I couldn’t believe my ears. Austin said it was over 100 hours of gameplay. Sure, we’re married, we have pets, we share a 30-year mortgage, and we even have a couple of children, but this is next level,” she explained. “I don’t know if I get 100 hours to myself in an entire year! That feels like one game for the rest of your life. I just can’t imagine being tied down like that. People change. Are you even the same person still at hour 50?”
Phoebe Reese, a long-time marketing director for an indie video game publisher, aims to offer a different experience.
“We get it. You’re a real gamer. You’re not ready to stoop to mobile gaming. But you don’t even have time to make it through the dragon scene at the beginning of Skyrim. That’s why we make low-effort indie games that are really more about the ‘concept,'” said Reese. “No one should be shamed because they don’t want to dedicate the equivalent of a full workweek to learning some spellcasting system. We think it’s your right to fly a cute little flower petal around the screen for an hour tops and then talk about it like you grinded through a foreign arthouse film.”
At press time, Simmons finally decided to just replay Journey again, only to discover that starting it up required a 7-hour update.
