Psycho Mantis Absolutely Disgusted by Your Browsing History

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

SHADOW MOSES ISLAND — Liquid Snake ally and noted mind-reader Psycho Mantis hacked into your computer and was absolutely disgusted by what popped up in your Chrome browsing history, sources confirm.

“Ah, I can see that you’ve been watching…oh…oh my God, really?” Mantis said in a statement. “That’s fucking gross, man. Jesus. I don’t know why I keep digging. I mean, are you serious? You know, I consider myself a psycho, it’s literally in my name, but this is on another level.” 

Mantis eased up a little after sensing that your embarrassment was holding up the boss fight.

“Have you considered seeking therapy or anything like that? No offense, it’s just, it seems like this might be a more deep-seated issue and I want to make sure you’re okay,” said Mantis in a gesture of good-will. 

According to multiple sources at the scene, you then tried to deflect this conversation and continue the battle as per usual, but Mantis would simply not let it go. 

“No, look, I get it, I wear a gas mask and a ton of  leather and take pleasure in killing and mental torture. We all have our kinks, I’m not trying to shame or anything like that. It’s just…this is a lot,” said Mantis. “Here’s the deal: I won’t share this with Liquid, Ocelot, or any other members of FOXHOUND, okay? It’d be one thing if you were just playing a lot of Tomb Raider or Gran Turismo or something, but…you know what? It’s fine. Clearly this is a sensitive subject for you, so let’s just get on with it. I just want you to know it’s gross.”

At time of reporting, Psycho Mantis refused to activate your controller’s rumble feature. 

“Dead by Daylight” Rocked by New Meta: “What if We Just Beat the Killer With Sticks?”

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

MONTREAL — Players of “Dead by Daylight” have been forced to reexamine the 8-year-old game’s entire competitive meta on the discovery that many of the playable Killers are vulnerable to simply being beaten with sticks.

“We were joking about how the Nemesis actually ate a pretty fat nerf on his transition into DbD,” said DbD streamer KittyMachete in a recent livestream. “In ‘Resident Evil 3,’ he could soak up a couple of anti-tank rockets before he got knocked unconscious. Now in DbD, you slap him with a wooden pallet and he gets dizzy for a second. It’s like he just got done giving blood. That’s when I realized the game might be even easier if you just picked up the shattered fragments of those pallets and used them as a melee weapon. It turns out that you can do that if you play as Lara Croft. You just have to be careful, since there’s a random chance that the sticks can get fetishistically stuck in her body.”

DbD players immediately went to work, quickly finding that many of DbD’s guest characters have similar hidden abilities that allow them to fight Killers directly.

“We’ve been waiting for players to discover this secret,” said Rémi Racine, president of DbD developer Behaviour Interactive. “For years, critics have said that it’s strange to have a game that brings together many of the most competent, powerful characters in horror, then makes them helpless victims of a malevolent cosmic force. Well, surprise.”

“I know that we set DbD in an alternate horror dimension where the Entity controls every facet of reality and makes it pointless to fight back,” Racine continued. “But on the other hand, we’re the ones who put Ash Williams in the game. He’s too stupid to know that what he’s doing is impossible. From there, the rest fell into place.”

After Racine’s comments, some players discovered that Ash can summon his trademark Oldsmobile Delta 88, which causes massive damage if it lands on a Killer’s head.

Other survivors with secret anti-Killer perks include Leon Kennedy, who can escape a Killer’s clutches by flip-kicking him in the face; Cheryl Mason’s ability to transform into Princess Heart, complete with the powerful Sexy Beam; and Nicolas Cage, who can inflict the Frightened condition on a Killer by changing into his outfit from “Mandy.”

“Look, I feed on fear and hopelessness,” said the Entity, speaking via Skype from its lair outside reality. “I don’t really care who’s afraid or despairing as long as Daddy gets a taste. If the Killers are scared, that’s fine too.”

Upon learning that the Entity is real enough to offer comment, Racine immediately ended our interview.

Every Pikmin Type Ranked by How Much I Had to Pay an Exterminator to Get Them Out of My Kitchen

Posted on by Tim Weighart

I already know how this looks, okay? A couple of months ago, I also would have said that anyone who would even consider paying a professional to kill an entire population of Nintendo’s most adorable and amicable group of mascots was a monster. But trust me, if you had the little critters marching around your kitchen all day, rapidly plucking grapes from the stems and digging holes in the counter so they can burrow up onto the stove, you’d be singing a different tune. All that being said, the fees for getting rid of the little twats were outrageous. 

I get that Pikmin are an incredibly intelligent species with a wide variety of immunities to common extermination techniques, but I was feeling seriously ripped off by the time Pikky Pests Pest Control was done and I was handed my final bill and I counted all the digits. Clearly I should have become an exterminator instead of majoring in English at a liberal arts college.

Anyway, here’s a list of every Pikmin type ranked by how much it cost me to get them exterminated, just in case they start to mistake your kitchen for Hero’s Hideaway too. Hopefully something worthwhile can still come out of this economic nightmare that has overtaken my entire life.

11. Purple Pikmin

Sure, purple Pikmin are probably really tough for other small creatures to stand up to, but the worst they could really do to my exterminator was body slam into his foot and give him a stubbed toe. They’re awfully slow too, so he just threw some nectar down as bait and then hit them with an insect vacuum. He even docked about 5% of his regular rate from my payment, which was a real relief. Apparently he’s been dealing with a huge outbreak of Waterwraiths at another house, so capturing these guys was a big help for him, and for my wallet. Unfortunately, the purples stole the solid gold bar that I inherited from my great grandfather before anyone could make it in, rendering the small bucks that I saved in this transaction null and void.

10. Rock Pikmin

It turns out that rock Pikmin are pretty helpless if no one’s throwing them, so pest control was able to hose them out of my plate cabinet with relative ease. While they did just charge me the regular rate, which was great, I do have to admit that I got a little attached to those beady little eyes and clumsy pebble bodies. I understand why exterminating the rock Pikmin was necessary, but I find myself left with nothing but a cold feeling in my heart from the cruel fate I have wrought upon these creatures. They were shattering all of my fine china though, so I’ll probably get over it.

9. Blue Pikmin

Exterminating the blue Pikmin with permethrin spray was an easy, one man job, though there was one issue: They have mouths. I could tell just from looking at that poor guy’s haunted eyes that the anguished screams of blue Pikmin have been haunting him for many long nights, so I gave him a 20% tip even though exterminators don’t usually ask for that sort of thing. I may be strapped for cash, but I’m still an empath.

8. Ice Pikmin

So here I am washing the dishes, my sink all filled up with hot water, and I bend down and reach underwater for the last plate when thirty ice Pikmin jump into the sink and instantly freeze everything in the water, hands and all. After about twenty minutes of screaming “HEY SIRI” across the room I managed to call Pikky Pests and get them to come in for an emergency extermination. 

Now, here’s the point where I need to make an embarrassing confession: I enjoy washing my dishes naked. So here I am, frozen in this extremely suggestive and vulnerable position, when the guy they sent walks in, stares in silence for a moment, and then wordlessly walks right up next to me and pinches every last one of those miserable twats into oblivion while I try not to squirm and scream at the frostbite spreading up my arms. He did such a good job at remaining stoic and not humiliating me that I couldn’t even complain when he charged me a hefty “Emergency Appointment” fee, and an even heftier fee that he simply listed as “Emotional Trauma.” I try to take some solace in knowing that this could end up being the push he needed to finally start going to therapy.

7.  Red Pikmin

I thought I’d get away with a pretty normal payment for clearing out all of the red Pikmin regularly lying around on my stove and sticking their noses where they don’t belong, but the company referred me to a supposed “Red Pikmin Expert” who was ultimately way worse than the usual guys in every way. His hands were covered in brown-orange slime when he came in (apparently he’s been handling an outbreak of The Flood at another house), and he shoved those nasty fingers right up my favorite pair of oven mitts without asking. I was still stewing when he handed me the bill.

On top of his increased rate, he charged me another $25 for “Additional Fees”, which he explained away by grinning savagely and saying, “Those fuckers are fighters, bro!” Then he farted loudly, walked back to his truck that had no muffler and roared away, launching a pile of Flood into the middle of the street that proceeded to infect half of my neighborhood. The next time I get red Pikmin, I’m just going to chuck some bomb rocks into my oven and call it a day.

6. Mushroom Pikmin

I didn’t think the mushroom Pikmin vegging out in my compost bin would be too difficult to get rid of until the exterminator reminded me that there must be a puffstool around that created the mushroom Pikmin in the first place. So while the Pikmin were easy enough to get out, Pikky Pests Co. had to send in a whole team to assist in fireproofing our kitchen and providing the necessary equipment to incinerate the bloated puff which they found dwelling under our sink. The bill was pretty steep after all of that, but I guess I should just be glad that no one got turned into an aggressive mushroom person who tried to attack me. My health insurance plan wouldn’t have covered any part of that.

5. Flying Pikmin

Five months after the flying Pikmin were cleared out of my kitchen, I received a bill from Pikky Pests citing outstanding charges for $12235 worth of stolen equipment. Apparently a bunch of the escaping flying Pikmin picked up some of their gear and flew off into the sunset, which hardly seems like my fault, but what was I supposed to do, disobey the law? My wife would not approve.

I’m paying up for now, but with the amount of debt I’m starting to rack up, it really might not be long before I’m forced to follow the flying Pikmin’s example and go on the lam.

4. Yellow Pikmin

Yellow Pikmin are incredibly good at jumping and digging, so of course they snuck into a lot of cabinets, drawers and floorboards that the exterminator had to spend days going through, and I’ve commissioned this company so many times that they’re starting to charge me to pay overtime by the hour. They also charged extra to set up a bunch of bug zappers, forgetting that yellow Pikmin are completely immune to electricity. The zappers were quickly destroyed by the yellows, and guess who had to cover that loss?

3. Glow Pikmin

Having these guys in my kitchen was a literal and figurative nightmare. Not only are they practically unkillable, but every exterminator who came in panicked as soon as they saw one, fled the premises, and promptly sued me for commissioning him for “Paranormal Activities,” which apparently isn’t in their job description. Then I had to go and hire an exorcist, and everyone knows those guys have the worst rates ever. Thanks a lot, glow Pikmin. Guess I’m cutting into my son’s college savings.

2. Bulbmin

After consuming ten drops of ultra-spicy spray, a pack of savage bulbmin grew powerful enough to ruthlessly murder an innocent member of Pikky Pests’ top extermination team, leaving behind a co-parent, three kids, and a ripe opportunity for an enormous lawsuit. While I will always grieve the innocent, I must admit that I grieved the predatory loans that my family had to take on to survive this lawsuit even more.

1. White Pikmin

The white Pikmin were great to have around to get rid of all of the toxic mold that was apparently growing in our walls, but that’s just about the only nice thing I have to say about them. Immune to poison, too smart to get near water, and too quick to be caught by fire? I didn’t think I’d ever get my kitchen back (or any money, ever) after two months of daily extermination work. 

The CEO of Pikky Pests himself eventually came to deliver the bill to me, offering to waive a few of the fees if I pledged to do 100 hours of unpaid labor, where I would search for treasure and give it back to his company. I don’t know what kind of company he’s running, or why he looks so similar to the seedy president of Hocotate Freight, but one thing’s for sure: Next time I need extermination work done, I’m just hiring Orkin. 

At least my kitchen looks presentable again; now I just need to convince The King Of All Cosmos to stop letting his son roll a sphere around my dining room to collect all of our good forks.

Elon Rejects Safer Car Battery, Claims It Would Make Newer Tesla Models Too Soy

Posted on by Tyler Pehringer

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO Elon Musk has rejected a redesign for a more efficient battery, arguing that it would make the cars, “too soy,” sources confirm.

“Teslas are not for everyone. A Tesla should make their driver feel like Evel Knievel. You should go from enjoying a Sunday drive to Ghost Rider in a matter of seconds,” Musk stated at a recent X (formerly known as Twitter) town hall. “These cars were never made for wimps who just want to get to their destination. It’s the most woke thing I could think of honestly. These leftist cuck engineers need to go home and leave the manufacturing of these cars for those with some balls.”

Musk’s fans have come out to defend Elon’s recent statements.

“I didn’t buy a Tesla because I wanted a normal car. I bought a Tesla so I can practice my bomb defusal skills,” said Freddy Page, member and founder of the Greater Providence Tesla Owners Facebook group. “Do you think the Cybertruck was designed like that to look cool? Shows what you know. It was made so that the driver could feel like a loaf of bread being baked once the battery decides to go off.”

These sentiments have not been shared by every Tesla owner. 

“I think it’s reasonable to want a car to…you know…not explode because the battery gets too hot,” said one recent Tesla purchaser who wished to remain anonymous. “Like, I don’t actively want to kill pedestrians, you know? I want an auto-pilot that will actually, like, pilot. Auto-style.”

At press time, Musk released a poll on X (formerly Twitter) asking what customers would prefer in a car. Six percent of respondents indicated that they wanted a big-dicked Tesla with a battery that will allow you to experience what it’s like to be on Venus, while 94% preferred a leftist soyboy sedan that could get you from Point A to Point B.

A24 Hires Classically Trained Actor in Role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline

Posted on by Nik Theorin

NEW YORK — Following weeks of speculation, A24 announced the star-studded cast of its upcoming horror film would be joined by an esteemed, classically-trained senior actor in the role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline, sources report.

“I’m beyond excited to tackle the role,” said Cecil Newton, a 68 year-old actor with a degree from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, whose storied career spans three decades of not exploiting his naked body for jump scare value. “Some parts are just made for certain actors, or maybe it’s more accurate to say some actors are just made for certain parts. That’s how this feels to me. Can you imagine Forrest Gump without Tom Hanks? Lincoln without Daniel Day-Lewis? Half-Nude Girl Pissing Herself in Kitchen without Alexyss Spradlin? So yes, you could say Naked Old Guy was a bit of a dream role. You know, no one wanted me to do nude scenes when I was young, that kind of thing just wasn’t done in my Hollywood. But now that my body has succumbed to the natural wasting of time, senior actors like myself are a hot commodity in the horror genre. A lot of my peers have been stuck playing wise old inmates and grandparent characters who suffer a health scare halfway through the movie to remind the protagonist not to lose sight of what’s really important, but now they’re booking all kinds of horror roles! My friend Art just landed the part of Old Man in Hospital Gown Who Smiles to Reveal Rotten Teeth in a new NEON film, and my wife Paula wrapped filming yesterday for her third consecutive role of Naked Grandma Barely Visible in Door Frame (Uncredited). The breadth of work available is really astonishing.”

“If I’d known it was this easy, I would’ve gotten naked and stood silently in the background of the scene years ago,” continued Newton, who originated the role of Hamlet in a 1989 production by The National Theatre. “I’m no prude. If audiences want to scare themselves silly at the sight of a regular 68 year-old body, let them. I’m laughing all the way to the bank— which is where I work to supplement my meager income.”

Newton isn’t the first to recognize the rise of senior nudity in horror cinema, with several critics reportedly tracing the phenomenon back to “Hereditary,” “It Follows,” and earlier films like “The Shining.”

“Horror has been a haven for the subversive and grotesque since the genre’s inception, which makes this recent focus on naked old guys all the more curious,” said Hailey Duncan, a psychologist who pays for Letterboxd. “There’s nothing inherently scary about a flaccid penis or butt cheeks so saggy they moonlight as coattails. The feeling you get looking at that isn’t terror or some primal fear response like mice have with cats. It’s something else. In psychology, we actually have a technical term for it: yucky. It feels yucky, just like super icky. It provokes an immediate chemical response in your brain my peers have taken to calling ‘Eww Christ is that a dong? I don’t wanna see that.’ In the context of such a visceral reaction, it’s easy to see how naked old men and grandma skittering across the ceiling with her cheeks flapping like the twin buns of Tatooine are dominating the silver screen right now.”

Though notoriously tight-lipped when it came to details about the film’s plot, A24 did tease several familiar faces would appear in unexpected roles that were sure to delight theatergoers.

“We are thrilled to be working closely with our creative partners to bring this incredibly special project to life,” said an A24 representative. “There are no small parts in cinema, which is why we’re happy to announce we’ve assembled a dream team of on-screen talent to play roles we know horror audiences will love— including Ellen Burstyn as Vacant-Eyed Nursing Home Resident, Riley Keough as Nude Body Facedown in Lake, and Messi as Dog Eating a Corpse. We can’t wait to begin filming, and to share this wildly entertaining chiller with audiences around the world next year, assuming we remember to market it.”

At press time, A24 hinted that following the success of NEON’s “Longlegs,” it would be making use of innovative, bold new tactics to promote its upcoming film, an approach the company described as “two moody trailers explaining nothing and then hope for the best.”

Sony Announces a New Spider-Man Villain Solo Movie Every Year Until Their Demands Are Met

Posted on by Charles Bill

CULVER CITY, Calif. — Sony Pictures has announced plans to release a new Spider-Man villain solo movie every year until their demands are met.

“Unless you want to see a C-tier Black Cat solo film, you better start listening up,” said Sony Pictures president and cinematic terrorist Tony Vinciquerra. “First of all, we want a billion dollars. Second, we want to be able to use Spider-Man again. Third, we want the U.S. nuclear codes. You give us that, and maybe we can think of taking the Bad Bunny El Muerto movie off of our release slate. If not, we are going to keep churning out superhero movies for no one that look like they were made in 2005. You’ve been warned.”

The producers of the Sony Spider-Man Universe, which has never actually included Spider-Man, believe they can make these films perpetually.

“Tony isn’t bluffing; we have plans for the next dozen of these stinkers,” said Sony executive Donna Hinkle. “What’s crazy is this is our best effort. We are trying our hardest to make good movies that people like, but we keep coming up with a Morbius or a Madame Web. I guess the only thing to do with our level of incompetence is weaponize it and make ultimatums. Trust me, you don’t want to see our Sinister Six movie. It is absolute trash. Renny Harlin turned us down to direct. Renny fucking Harlin. That was a low moment for us.”

Although the prospect of a new Spider-Man villain film every year strikes a note of terror for most, fans of the SSU are overjoyed.

“I’m so pumped! Me and the other four fans are going to see it on opening night,” said SSU fan and idiot Ian Foles. “I’m hoping for a big team-up movie between Morbius, Madame Web, and Kraven the Hunter. How cool would that be? All of our favorite anti-heroes in one spot, ready to do some anti-heroics. As long as we keep away from crossing over with those dipshits in the MCU, things will be great.”

At press time the UN Security Council agreed to give Sony whatever they want as long as they didn’t make a Hobgoblin solo film.

Header image art by Hal Haney. Used with permission.

Game Night: I Am Not British Enough to Be Playing ‘Thank Goodness You’re Here’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I should’ve made Amity write this one for me.

Thank Goodness You’re Here is the video game equivalent of one of those BBC America shows that is simply too British to be allowed off the island. It’s the second game I’ve played this year, after Still Wakes the Deep, where I needed the subtitles to understand what was ostensibly spoken English. The fact I, an American, was able to play this game on American soil means that something somewhere has broken a containment protocol.

TGYH is a short adventure game and the sophomore project from Yorkshire-based developer Coal Supper. Its publisher, Panic, was also responsible for bringing Untitled Goose Game to market, which suggests that somebody at Panic is exclusively focused on supporting indie projects about wrecking small towns. To which I say: live your dreams, Panic.

In TGYH, you’re an inexplicably tiny yellow salesman who’s been sent to the self-consciously quaint English village of Barnsworth to take a meeting with its mayor. Instead of waiting on him, you have the option to go out into the town and get wrapped up in the locals’ problems.

This involves you walking through Barnsworth like a dollar-store Godzilla. The first real puzzle of the game involves breaking a water cooler so you can use it to reach a window. From there, you leave a trail of gratuitous destruction in your wake, solving all of Barnsworth’s issues by causing immense property damage. This is the perfect game if all you’ve ever wanted out of life is to kick people in the shins without consequence.

The process of playing TGYH chiefly involves wandering around Barnsworth looking for things to do. Many of the villagers have a problem to solve or an errand that needs to be run, and they’ll rope you into it on the spot. This ranges from helping somebody get their arm unstuck from a sewer grate to doing the shopping for a bedsick shut-in. This spirals off into insanity at the first opportunity.

The overall experience reminds me of turning on Cartoon Network at about 1 in the morning, when Adult Swim was at its most unhinged. I always knew exactly what I was looking at in TGYH, but was less sure as to why.

If I had to cite one issue I’ve got with it, which is more my problem than an actual point of critique, it’s that TGYH is gross as hell. Barnsworth is covered in garbage, many of the villagers are drawn like they’ve got a massive untreated tumor, and you’re constantly dealing with raw meat, dead fish, clogged pipes, and used oil. There’s a bowl of pea soup near the climax that starts as one of the most unappetizing things in video game history, and then it gets worse. If SCHiM is an under-the-table advertisement for Dutch tourism, TGYH is an implicit warning to never go anywhere in England besides London.

Beyond that, it’s a short, imaginative, colorful game that may rely a little too much on local humor and the occasional gross-out, but is clever and weird enough to keep your attention. TGYH gives you almost nothing in the way of signposts, so while I wouldn’t call it difficult, it does require some thought in order to figure out where to go next.

I am having a hard time recommending this because, as noted, Thank Goodness You’re Here! grosses me out. There’s a gag in the first 20 minutes about eating half-melted butter off the street that nearly made me shut the whole thing down. There are things I can handle, and things I can’t, and TGYH traffics heavily in the latter.

Without moments like that, this would be a simple, fun adventure/comedy. Sure, not all the jokes land, but it’s so dense with humor that it’ll land a hit sooner or later. I did like the running gag about how your salesman is always just as small or large as he has to be for the situation he’s in, ranging from a child’s height to small enough to travel via keg hose.

In a hobby where many games feel like they’re casting too wide a net, TGYH is laser-focused on a very specific audience: 40-something British people with strong stomachs. I have to admire that, even if much of the game makes me vaguely nauseous.

“Can’t End on an L”: National Suicide Hotline Sees Great Success with New Script Written for Gamers

Posted on by Patrick OConnell

ST. LOUIS —  The National Suicide Hotline is reporting all-time success thanks to the use of a new script written specifically for gamers.

988 Crisis Support Operator, Denise George, unveiled the promising new support script to her team with the intention of creating new protocols for assisting the demographic most vulnerable to the mental health crisis: Gamers.

“Nearly a third of our late night calls are from gamers,” George said in a press conference. “We were doing our best to talk them through whatever they were dealing with, reminding them that they have much to live for and people who care, but no matter how much we followed our training we didn’t know how to help someone who was ‘getting tilted’. So I tried a new approach. I spent an entire weekend doing research, standing outside my  son’s room while he played ‘Call of Duty: Warzone’ with his friends over discord. I listened to their conversations, their language, but more importantly I took note of how they comforted one another when experiencing distress. 

Experts agree, the key to helping gamers is through understanding.

“Despite the common belief that gamers are insecure, misanthropic manbabies, their language shows a surprising capacity for emotional intelligence,” said gamer psychologist, Chuck Ward.  “What a gamer refers to as ‘grinding’, the feeling of facing endless repetitive tasks for minute gains, is what we psychologists would call ‘depression’. So, I ask my clients if they feel like they’ve been grinding, or if anyone in their life is being a griefer, which is, well, my way of explaining abusive relationships to them.”

Since implementing George’s new call script, suicide rates among gamers have dropped nationwide.

“Often times they call because they want to ragequit IRL, they think I won’t understand what they’re going through because I’m a filthy casual, but with this new script I’m able to speak to them on their terms and remind them that we can’t end on an L. We can never end on an L.”

At press time, George’s breakthrough method has helped countless people and finally given hope for gamers and the family members wondering when they’ll come out of their room.

Lara Croft Accused of Setting Unrealistic Body Expectations for Archaeologists

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Popular video game character Lara Croft of Tomb Raider has come under fire, accused of setting unrealistic body expectations for active archeologists. 

“It has to stop. We are speaking up as a precedent to end body-shaming and promote body-positivity among archeologists,” director Cecil Dwyers of the Society for American Archaeology said in a statement. “It’s hard to believe, but this single video game character has led to so much suffering among our members. The cases of body dysmorphia have gone through the roof, not to mention the reported increase in therapy. Frankly, I blame the improved graphics. This was never a problem in Lara Croft’s ‘triangle boobs’ era.”

The pressure is felt by many across the field, including archeologist Louisa Altmeyer. 

“It’s hard enough spending all day in active dig-sites with a trowel in my hand, now we have to keep up with Lara Croft?” Altmeyer complained from her trailer in the high desert. “These excavation sites aren’t exactly glamorous, nothing like the destinations she explores. “Not only is there constant travel, but the early hours are a slog. How am I supposed to have a killer bod and toned abs if I spend most of my time writing grant proposals to secure additional funding? Not all of us can be out there sword-fighting skeletons or rappelling into tombs like Lara Croft.” 

Crystal Dynamics COO William Rochet addressed the controversy head on. 

“We hear you, and we need to do better. These archaeologist broads have really worn me down. So I guess we’re acknowledging the criticism, which is why Lara will be adjusted to reflect the so-called struggles of modern archeologists. Our current game will be updated to equip Croft with standard fieldwork attire, including long-sleeved flannel and baggy cargo pants under a high-visibility vest – all to completely obscure her body shape. The new Tomb Raider gameplay will focus on surveying landscapes or thoroughly documenting artifacts, featuring a more relatable Lara Croft furnished with a Patagonia sun hat and Gore-Tex boots.”

At press time, Crystal Dynamics are reportedly looking to phase out Lara Croft from the franchise and replace her with Eileen Schermerhorn, a middle-aged archeologist with sleep apnea and a bad knee.

Ouija Board Bought on Craigslist Gives ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL’ Error on First Try

Posted on by Matt Youngspruce

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A local man has learnt the dangers of buying used products online as a Ouija board he bought off of Craigslist was delivered to him broken.

38-year-old construction worker, Steve Canvas, bought the Ouija board that he immediately noticed was in faulty condition.

“Look, I just wanted to talk to my dead dog, Rusty, and I read online that the best way to contact the dead is by using a Ouija board. I found one for 2 dollars on Craigslist. The price should have been a red flag, along with the seller’s username, ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch.’ But what can you do? I was missing Rusty so much,” said Canvas to the local news.

After receiving the item in the mail, Canvas sadly found that the Ouija board did not work.

“I got the damn thing wrapped in tinfoil. I was like, ‘This is not good…’ but I gave it a try. You know, I trust people; I’m not going to judge ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch’ just because the dude had a funny name. My dog’s name was ‘Rusty,’ for goodness’ sake. Anyway, I got my hands on the damn thing, and the first thing it did was give me this message: ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL.’ I tried and tried, but it always showed the same message. That’s not Rusty. Rusty would never say anything but ‘Give me sausages.’”

When asked for a comment ”Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch” replied,

”Hell yeah bröther!!!”

Steve says he contacted Ouija customer support but says they were less than helpful.

“They told me to boot it from a Ouija Boot Board but I don’t have one. Then they said they would send me a Ouija board with a boot file that he can use to clean install a new Ouija 11 operating system. But the install keeps getting stuck.”

At press time, Steve was reportedly seen starting a seance in his home to try fixing the issue but neighbors could see a bright blue light emanating from his home indicating he once again failed.