FREMONT, Calif — In another masterful gambit, tech genius and renowned deadbeat dad Elon Musk announced that he has officially created a cure for the woke mind virus. The NeuralinKKK.
“The woke mind virus that has infected society is the greatest threat that humanity has ever faced,” stated Musk in a post on X – the Everything App. “This virus has turned men into women, women into men, it has killed free speech and it killed my son. But I am so proud to announce that I have officially found the cure for this terrible illness. The NeuralinKKK is a state of the art brain implant that not only protects your brain from being infected by the woke parasite but it actively fights against it.”
Musk further clarified how the device would work to protect against the virus.
“The virus can come for anyone at any time, but with the NeuralinKKK even the weakest beta soy boy snowflakes will be protected. Let’s say for example you’re minding your own business, decompressing after work by playing a video game or watching a movie and a black or gay character pops up trying to infect you. The NeuralinKKK will kick into action immediately to defend you by overloading your brain with anti-woke thoughts. Reminding you of the dangers of woke rhetoric and minorities. For example if a woke infected person tries to tell you the Civil War was about slavery, the NeuralinKKK immediately fills your brain with the truth about state rights.”
Lead NeuralinKKK engineer Jackson Ryker explained the process of creating the device.
“What we did was take a regular Neuralink and we filled it with data on all the anti-woke masters like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson. Then we programmed it with AI to automatically download all that data into the brain whenever there’s a hint of the woke mind virus around. The AI automatically recognises all the telltale signs of the virus. Rainbow flags, women with man-chins, people of color, trans people, etc. Once the AI senses woke it immediately triggers a response. The brain is filled with a mixture of facts collected from our anti-woke experts and data specifically designed to activate anger receptors. It will also automatically log in to any of the user’s social media accounts and the AI will generate an anti-woke manifesto to post. All bases are covered. Wokeness will never infect again and all will be white with the world.”
When asked to clarify if he meant to say “All will be right with the world” Ryker refused to comment.
At press time, the first recipients of the cure were reportedly seen congregating in the woods and burning a cross.
Everyone knows that Batman is cooler than Superman. Superman has all those boring flashy superpowers, while Batman is a man in a costume. Batman is dark and edgy, while Superman has a goody-two-shoes personality, like he’s trying to be some kind of role model. Most importantly, Batman is more human and relatable, as he is a billionaire CEO while Superman’s a guy from a small town working a shitty desk job.
This is why Batman has been in many, many movies where he spends two hours give or take against a villain Superman would stop pretty much immediately. Just look at how short these movies would be if the Man of Steel ruined them with his awful, tedious competence.
25. Batman: The Movie (1966, 250 minutes)
Superman would actually make this one longer. Don’t get me wrong, he’d have the United Underworld locked up around the eight-minute mark while Batman is asking Robin for shark repellent, but the movie wouldn’t end. It’d turn into this weird buddy comedy where Superman tries to understand what drives this powerless crimefighter. In an inversion of their usual dynamic, Superman would be the serious one, a flying Frank Grimes unable to accept the absurdity of Adam West Batman’s world. But ultimately, Batman would help him learn the importance of levity. It would end with them going out dancing, where Superman invents the Super-tusi. It would sweep the Oscars.
24. Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021, 242 minutes)
A lot of these movies actually do have Superman in them, leaving me no choice but to report their runtime as is.
As all true cinema enthusiasts know, Zack Snyder is the single greatest human being who has ever lived, a reputation largely earned for his brilliant, grounded interpretation of Batman. When he learns Darkseid is a potential threat to humanity, Ben Affleck’s Batman immediately takes the most sensible course of action possible: invent the Justice League so actual superheroes can take care of it. James Gunn has big shoes to fill.
23. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016, 151 minutes)
Admittedly, it hurts my point a bit that the first movie with these two together is, per Snyder tradition, way too long. But you know what? This is a direct sequel to Man of Steel, and the main villains are Lex Luthor and Doomsday. Who’s the Batman villain in this one? Oh, it’s KGBeast, a character so ridiculous you’re wondering just now if I made him up (I didn’t).
This is a Superman movie with Batman in it, not the other way around. And if Batman wasn’t there to draw out the runtime by hating Superman for being a dangerous vigilante who acts superior to everyone else (i.e.: what Batman does but with flying), it would be shorter.
22. The Flash (2023, 144 minutes)
In what is definitely not a ghoulish sign of things to come, The Flash’s climax turns George Reeves and Christopher Reeve into horrible CGI corpse puppets. And then it does the same thing to Nicolas Cage, noted living person, because it can. But sadly, not even the combined might of three Uncanny Valley Supermen can stop this cinematic Kryptonite from being long and feeling longer.
21. Batman Forever (1995, 122 minutes)
Superman wouldn’t actually change this one. He’d do some behind-the-scenes arrangements to make sure nobody really died, then use a mixture of super-speed and Kryptonian make-up to play Two-Face, Riddler, and Robin, letting the movie play out normally with Batman and the audience none the wiser.
Why? Because this movie needs to be exactly what it is for “Kiss from a Rose” to hit the way it does in the credits. Superman is all about doing the right thing, and depriving humanity of that song would be wrong.
20. Justice League (2017, 120 minutes)
The Whedon Cut, as it’s called when people remember it at all, is much shorter than its Snyder counterpart. This is partially because the Justice League resurrects Superman and his immaculate, clean-shaven face faster, allowing him to quickly save the world and doom the cinematic universe at the same time.
19. Batgirl (Never, 120 minutes)
Superman would’ve gotten this movie released.
18. DC Super Heroes vs. Eagle Talon (2017, 105 minutes)
I’m not really sure why there was an official theatrical crossover of the Justice League and a very silly anime made in Flash with a budget of about 144 yen, but I’ll be damned if I let some smartass commenter say I missed a movie. On that note, the other Lego movies and Space Jam: A New Legacy are intentional omissions. I didn’t forget them, although with Space Jam I sure as hell tried.
As I was saying, Superman and Batman are both in this movie, although both of them barely move.
17. DC League of Super-Pets (2022, 105 minutes)
Wait, this is a real thing? I didn’t drunkenly imagine an animated movie where Dwayne Johnson is Krypto the Superdog and Kevin Hart is Ace the Bat-Hound? All right…
Anyway, this movie has both Superman (John Krasinski) and Batman (Keanu Ree…OK, we’re all sure this was an actual movie?
16. The Lego Batman Movie (2017, 104 minutes)
This is the best Batman movie, and I will die on this hill. I’m still mad that the planned Lego Justice League sequel will never happen, in what is easily the single greatest outrage regarding an unreleased Justice League movie of all time.
Part of why this is the best Batman movie is that Superman is in it, but his lack of action is narratively justified. You see, Batman has serious commitment issues and refuses to let anyone get too close to him. And the entire Justice League hates Batman and doesn’t invite him to their parties. Christopher Nolan could never.
15. The People’s Joker (2022, 92 minutes)
Maybe I shouldn’t count this purely unofficial film, which is part trans coming of age story and part legal experiment to see how far you can take parody as fair use. But you know what? It’s feature-length, it was in theaters, Batman’s in it, you should see it, and it’s exactly as Bill Finger-approved as the rest of this list, so I’m giving it a plug.
Anyway, Superman is in this one, as an animated news anchor. Not terribly helpful, but at least they don’t assist Batman with his evil plan of turning Gotham City into a fascist dictatorship where all comedy is illegal except SNL.
14. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018, 84 minutes)
Another movie whose existence I’m on the fence about. I think I saw this one on a plane. Or I fell asleep on a plane and dreamed about seeing it. Michael Bolton is a singing tiger.
This movie has both Superman (finally played by Nicolas Cage) and Batman (finally played by…Jimmy Kimmel?), but they don’t help much. You see, it turns out the constant stream of superhero movies is a villainous plot by Deathstroke Slade to keep all the superheroes so busy making movies that they can’t fight crime. Perfect plan, no notes.
13. Batman: The Killing Joke (2016, 77 minutes)
Realistically, a Superman Killing Joke movie would probably just be an adaptation of For the Man Who Has Everything or Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, two dark Superman comics by Alan Moore that are honestly better than The Killing Joke.
But we’re talking about the movie here, so first we need a long prologue that has nothing to do with the actual comic. And Superman will have sex with Supergirl. And Metropolis will be moved to Alabama so that makes sense.
On second thought, Batman can have this one. Superman dodged a bullet here. And he usually doesn’t need to do that.
12. The Batman (2022, 70 minutes)
In this one, Batman must put his detective skills to the test against the Riddler, a villain of such formidable intelligence that he intentionally leaves behind clues to catch him. Superman could solve these riddles the old-fashioned way, but he’d probably think it was more fun to laserbeam the Gordian Knot. Riddle me this: who has super-hearing and can figure out exactly where you are while you’re asking riddles over the phone? It’s Superman. The answer is Superman.
11. Batman Begins (2005, 65 minutes)
The first act of Batman Begins, where Batman does all the titular beginning, would be pretty much unchanged. But once Batman is done beginning and goes back to Gotham City for some Batman Middle, he’d find out that while he was gone Superman already fixed everything. The mob’s been arrested, the League of Shadows’s ties in Gotham are eradicated, and Scarecrow is solemnly staring at a lake regretting he invented fear toxin. The rest of the movie is Batman struggling to cope with how all his training was for nothing, the one unhappy man in a saved city. It’s like that one part of The Lego Batman Movie, and thus a better movie.
10. Batman & Robin (1997, 50 minutes)
“I want a car! Chicks dig the car!”
“This is why Superman works alone.”
With its opening lines, Batman & Robin broke new ground by daring to explain Superman’s absence. Superman works alone, and will not help Batman because Batman would demand Superman buy him a car. It’s a better excuse than most of these movies give.
But what if Superman didn’t work alone? Obviously he’d be there when Mr. Freeze robs Gotham’s museum, using his heat vision to thaw everything he freezes. Just to be annoying, he’d probably make a fire pun for every ice pun Mr. Freeze says. After a while, though, this back and forth banter turns into a real conversation. Superman realizes that beneath his cold exterior, Mr. Freeze is a good man forced into crime to save his dying wife. He’ll convince Mr. Freeze to use his scientific expertise for good, and promises in return to assist in his quest to save Nora. There’s still Poison Ivy to deal with, but she won’t last long against the combined power of Superman and Mr. Freeze (and also Batman, I guess). The opening lines may be gone, but the movie’s final quote remains intact.
“We’re going to need a bigger cave.”
9. Batman (1989, 45 minutes)
What remains of this dark Tim Burton classic is mostly a workplace comedy. Clark Kent, recently resigned from the Daily Planet for reasons he’s not comfortable talking about, has started fresh in Gotham City. He gets along great with Vicki Vale and Knox, even if he keeps accidentally calling them Lois and Jimmy, and soon they’re shooting the shit each night about all those crazy bat sightings. Then regular Jack Nicholson tries to rob a chemical plant, Superman effortlessly stops him without disfiguring him, and one short interrogation later deals with the rest of the mob. Cue the credits as you awkwardly remember how much you used to like Danny Elfman.
8. Batman Returns (1992, 30 minutes)
Batman Returns begins with a flashback of Oswald Cobblepot’s parents abandoning him as a baby. But if you begin with a flashback, it’s not really a flashback, is it? The rest of the movie’s a flashforward. Wherever the movie starts, that’s where I’m putting Superman. He rescues the baby in the opening credits and makes sure he’s raised by a loving foster family instead of sewer penguins, effectively erasing The Penguin from existence. He’d probably find a better home for the sewer penguins too.
But there’s still the matter of Catwoman, another villain born because Batman frankly just kind of sucks at saving people. Oh, Selina Kyle’s falling off a building? Lois Lane does that every other week. Superman will save her, stop Max Schreck, and still have time to fly to Antarctica and see how the sewer penguins are holding up before breakfast.
7. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993, 22 minutes)
I know some nerd is already planning to tell me Superman isn’t in all these movies because he doesn’t exist, even though Batman also doesn’t exist. But this one is set in the DC Animated Universe, so there is canonically an off-screen Superman around here somewhere. As glad as I am that the best depiction of Batman ever got to be in theaters, that simply doesn’t make sense.
When The Phantasm starts murdering members of the mob, Batman is blamed for their deaths. This is the sort of thing Superman would immediately see on the news and realize he needs to intervene. Either Batman’s being framed or he really has started killing, either way Clark Kent suddenly needs to use the bathroom.
The Phantasm will still get one murder in, but Superman’s there to stop the second (and arrest the would-be victims too, we’re talking about Superman here). This one could be even shorter, but after this, Catwoman, and Talia, Superman is probably going to take a few minutes at the end to make fun of Batman’s horrible taste in women. Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot, but sometimes I would like to have sex with them.
6. The Dark Knight Rises (2012, 10 minutes)
In an opening scene that I have memorized verbatim against my will, Bane crashes this plane with no survivors. This is a pretty textbook rescue scenario for Superman, who would instead save this plane with all survivors because he’s a heroic guy. Sure, Talia al Ghul is still at large, but Superman would find a way to make Bane talk before Christian Bale even shaves his opening beard.
5. Batman (1943, 9 minutes)
Made in the middle of World War II, Batman’s film debut saw him facing off against Dr. Tito Daka, an evil Japanese scientist with a name as Japanese as the white actor playing him. Early on, a narrator explains how “a wise government rounded up the shifty-eyed Japs,” which I’ve got to say is not my favorite line from a Batman movie.
I’d like to think Superman would refuse to be in this on principle, but around the same time he was visiting Japanese-American internment camps and praising their “more than reasonable set-up.” But he could at least use his super-speed to be racist faster, so now the 15-chapter serial has the same runtime as the classic 1942 Superman cartoon Japoteurs.
4. Batman and Robin (1949, 5 minutes)
Batman’s second serial ditches the racism of its predecessor, which is nice, but given the shoddy production values it’s more like they somehow couldn’t afford it. Batman now lives in stately Wayne Normal Suburban House, the lack of a proper choreographer leaves the Dynamic Duo’s fighting as sloppy as their detective work, and the eye holes of Batman’s cowl are not lined up with his eyes. It’s a much harder watch than the 1943 serial, and that one said I should be sent to a concentration camp.
The villain of this one is “The Wizard,” but he’s not a literal wizard, so Superman’s weakness to magic won’t apply here. He’ll foil The Wizard’s first robbery, which Batman does not stop at all because he’s too busy pretending to be asleep in front of Vicki Vale. Then again, given Batman’s level of competence in this one, it’s possible Superman would just choke to death on his own tongue.
3. The Dark Knight (2008, 4 minutes)
The late Heath Ledger’s Joker is often praised as the single greatest performance in superhero movie history, a chilling depiction of a maniac only made possible by the fact that Superman isn’t in the movie.
The movie begins with The Joker robbing a bank in broad daylight, or as they call it in Metropolis, “asking Superman if he wants to hang out.” It takes about two minutes for the guns to start firing, I’ll say Superman’s having an off day and give another two minutes for the credits to roll and Heath Ledger to forever be remembered for A Knight’s Tale.
But we’re dealing with a master criminal here! There will eventually be a director’s cut where it turns out Superman was playing right into The Joker’s hands! It runs ten minutes before he gets sent to the Phantom Zone.
2. Joker (2019, 3 minutes)
There’s a young Bruce Wayne in this one, so I’m counting it. As a child without Superman’s phone number and with living parents, Bruce has an excuse for once to not call him. Still, this movie’s depiction of Gotham City is so comically horrible that it’s hard to imagine Superman not treating it as his own personal playground. A clown is being beaten up in an alleyway at the very beginning for no real reason? Have no fear, Superman will save him! And he’ll save us from two hours of a director who thinks wokeness killed comedy pretending the clown who hates Batman is a deep character.
1. Suicide Squad (2016, 0 minutes)
Despite my best attempts to forget it, the Oscar-winning film Suicide Squad happened, and Batman is in it, if only briefly. Being made back when the young, idealistic DCEU still dreamed of being a coherent setting, the plot is kicked off by Superman’s very real and permanent death at the end of Batman v. Superman. Without Superman, Amanda Waller (played by EGOT Viola Davis, because this is a movie for true talent) decides the next best way to save the world is by strapping explosive collars to supervillains, one of which is Slipknot, the man who can climb anything.
If Superman was in this movie … well, there wouldn’t be a movie. Since the whole plot hinges on Superman being dead, Amanda Waller would never put villains into some kind of suicide squad, the world would be spared Jared Leto as The Joker, Slipknot would live to climb anything another day, and I would be slightly smarter because I had never seen Suicide Squad. Thank you, Superman!
NEW YORK — Residents of the historic Arconia apartment building are expressing frustration that their rent remains high despite there now being an annual murder in the building.
“It’s just getting a little ridiculous at this point you know,” stated resident Howard Morris. “I was fine with the high rent initially because it’s a beautiful high class building that has plenty of room for my cats and now dog but you’d think once people start getting killed every year the least they could do is lower the price to live here. Sure, it is exciting to live in the heart of a now famous podcast but any one of us could be the next victim and somehow we’re still charged rent like a building where no one ever dies.”
Another resident of the building, Uma Heller stated her belief as to why rent is still high.
“I blame those podcast putzes. The first murder that happened sure we’ll call an isolated incident but then they go around making a hit podcast about it, bringing attention to our building and drawing more murders to take place here. To make matters worse the one person who could have lowered the rent was murdered almost immediately after they solved the first one so now we’re stuck in a high rent building where people get killed once a year. We should have kicked them out when we had the chance.”
Podcast host and former successful Broadway director Oliver Putnam sympathizes with the other residents of the building but refuses to take blame.
“I get it, I once struggled to pay the rent in this building. I almost got kicked out and was forced to eat nothing but dip and gut milk. So I understand the frustration but it’s not our fault that people are getting killed in this building. And frankly I’m a little insulted by the implication. These murders have brought prosperity to me and this building thanks to the incredibly successful podcast I created about it. Rent is probably still high because this building is now even more famous, constant death be damned. If someone has to die every year to keep me on top then so be it.”
At press time, another murder has reportedly taken place and the building owners are actually considering raising rent in anticipation of the publicity the new season of the podcast will bring.
Some video game companies have faced challenges in creating sequels. Remember when Valve attempted to make Half-Life Episode 3, or when 3D Realms encountered difficulties with Duke Nukem Forever? Thankfully, one video game company stands out as masters of video game sequels.
Ubisoft has stood the test of time with their amazing and unique franchise, Assassin’s Creed. Fans around the world eagerly await each new installment, wondering what epic adventures await in the next sequel.
Well, wait no longer, my friend. We’ve got you covered. Here are the next 100 sequels to Assassin’s Creed.
100) Assassin’s Creed Monet Haystack
Think art history is dull? Think again, my friend! Immerse yourself in this open-world Assassin’s Creed adventure, where you’ll find yourself amidst the picturesque fields of Monet’s iconic haystacks. You can hide inside these famous haystacks while Monet paints them. One mission can last from a few hours to days and months. This sequel offers an extraordinary historical experience you won’t want to miss. Consider yourself fortunate to be a part of this remarkable journey!
99) Assassin’s Creed 2:10am
Immerse yourself in the life of a man who cannot sleep. Engage in battles against hordes of intrusive thoughts, grappling with existential crises. Assassinate depression and anxiety as they assail you at 2:10 a.m. in the early stages of this anticipated sequel.
98) Assassin’s Creed Chicago
Set in 1980, you embody Blues Assassin Jake, just released from prison. Your mission: eradicate every Nazi from the streets of Chicago while uncovering lost blues artifacts. Alongside your brother Elwood, navigate the gritty cityscape. So, fasten your harmonica and don your black cape for this gritty adventure.
97) Assassin’s Creed Covid 2020-2022
In Assassin’s Creed: COVID 2020-2022, your enemies lurk in the air, spreading contagion. Your mission? Eliminate anyone who carries these airborne threats. Use the new hearing system to listen for sneezes and strike your blade through the lung of the unsuspecting enemy. Engage in immersive stealth tactics, utilizing masks for concealment.
96) Assassin’s Creed Gollum
One of the most anticipated games in the Assassin’s Creed series is set in Middle-earth, aptly titled ‘Assassin’s Creed Gollum.’ Immerse yourself in stunning gameplay and graphics as you embark on a new adventure. In this unique crossover, navigate the world of Middle-earth, eliminating hobbits and plundering treasures. With hopes for DLCs to expand your quest, may you acquire even more precious loot.
95) Assassin’s Creed Helter Skelter
Join the family of Charlie Manson at his cabin in the rural area of california in the late 60’s. Main quest involves murdering the wife of a famous film director. Side quests involve hallucinogenic drugs and murder. Disguise yourself as a fun hippie but be ready to kill!
94) Assassin’s Creed Whatever Happened Today
Ubisoft introduces its latest innovation, harnessing cutting-edge AI technology to craft a gaming experience tailored to your daily life. Imagine Pokémon Go with a deeper narrative twist. Simply download the app onto your phone and continue with your day-to-day activities. By day’s end, the app transforms your experiences into a personalized game. Are you prepared to raid your own household for loot? Or assassinate the mailman?
93) Assassin’s Creed Kronos
“bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay'”
The eagerly awaited sequel to the Assassin’s Creed franchise propels you into an uncharted sector of the galaxy. Get ready for a fun adventure on the Klingon planet Kronos, where you’ll delve deep into the heart of Klingon culture, embracing the nuances of combat and assassination.
92) Assassin’s Creed Mom Goes To The Store
You are Steve, the stealthy assassin, awaiting your moment to strike. Your adventure is momentarily paused as Mom has yet to depart for the store. But fear not, in just five minutes, she’ll be out the door, granting you a 30-minute window to plunder and pilfer in what promises to be an exhilarating spree. Seize the opportunity to loot everything you can, but tread carefully as the final minutes tick away. You must ensure the house looks precisely as it did before Mom’s return, erasing any evidence of your escapades. You’ve got this, bro.
91) Assassin’s Creed Roswell
Step back into the 1950s, where the American dream reigns supreme. But wait, what’s that? A mysterious light in the sky beckons investigation. Before you know it, you’re face-to-face with an otherworldly sight—a crashed alien ship in the Arizona desert. Time to make a choice: will you align with the extraterrestrial visitors or side with the shadowy forces of the U.S. government intent on concealing the truth? The fate of humanity hangs in the balance. Choose wisely, Assassin.
90) Assassin’s Creed Hollywood Holocaust
It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I’m all out of gum. In this sequel you basically take the form of Duke Nukem and kill every alien on sight while saving the babes. Let’s face it. It’s a much better game that way. You want to loot? Only looting is the shells for your shotgun.
89) Assassin’s Creed Isla Nublar
Welcome to Jurassic Park. You thought the templars were tough. How about T-Rex? Try to fight that huge predator with your saber! Your hood is not going to save you when Dennis Nedry decides to follow his greed. Huge open world map with pointless side quests. Sound familiar? Life finds a way.
88) Assassin’s Creed That Time You Found Out Staying In Bed And Not Going To Work Is Cool
Ready for your next adventure? Call your boss you are sick and just stay in bed and loot procrastination boxes till midnight. Order some pizza and you are all set for the greatest adventure of a lifetime!
87) Assassin’s Creed Flip A Coin
This sequel has only one loot box in a huge open world map. Your main and also every side quest is to find it. When you finally arrive at the loot box and open it you will find a coin from it. Then one of the sickest mini games begins. Is it head or tails? Exciting!
86) Assassin’s Creed Home Guitarist
Time to loot pedals! Step into the memory of a soon-to-be legendary riff assassin. Armed with determination and a thirst for musical greatness. Main quest involves for you to record your first cover song playthrough video, but not before amassing over 200 looted pedals. The comment section is full of Templars but you ignore them just like you ignore any advice for your playing from your teacher. You are after all destined to be the greatest guitarist the world has ever seen. At least according to your mom.
85) Assassin’s Creed 2024
History is made now. This is the biggest Assassin’s Creed game ever made. You battle your way through Moscow only to find out that your next mission is to go against Trump. It’s up to you how you will survive Assassin’s Creed 2024.
84) Assassin’s Creed Big Bang
Embark on an epic journey to the very origins of existence in Assassin’s Creed Big Bang! Witness the monumental event that sparked the birth of the universe itself. This unprecedented adventure invites you to immerse yourself in the fiery chaos of creation, where every explosion shapes the course of cosmic history. Experience the awe-inspiring power of the Big Bang firsthand as you navigate through the primal forces that forged the cosmos. It’s a journey unlike any other, where you become a witness to the greatest moment in human history.
83) Assassin’s Creed One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Kill nurse Ratched.
82) Assassin’s Creed Spam Mail
Go through an infinite amount of spam mail in your inbox and eliminate all of them.
81) Assassin’s Creed Battlefield 4
Prepare for mind-blowing action with Assassin’s Creed: Battlefield 4! This revamped sequel takes the franchise to new heights with massive multiplayer deathmatches that will leave your palms sweaty. Engage in intense battles against rival teams, where your assassination skills are put to the test against expert snipers. One unique feature of the game is its ability to replay your deaths until you’ve had your fill of excitement. And when you’ve had enough, simply delete the game from your library and bid farewell to gaming forever.
80) Assassin’s Creed Ice Hockey World Championship 1995
Enter the arena of Assassin’s Creed Ice Hockey World Championship 1995! As a Finnish assassin, your mission is clear: thwart the Swedish Ice Hockey team at any cost to claim victory in the championship. Under the command of Swedish traitor Curt Lindström, you’ll navigate the high-stakes world of international sports, ensuring that the brotherhood’s interests prevail. Remember, loyalty to the brotherhood is paramount, even on the ice.
79) Assassin’s Creed Uncle’s Garage
Welcome to Assassin’s Creed: Uncle’s Garage! The Animus has transported you back to your uncle’s garage, where the sounds of Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” echo endlessly from a cassette tape. Amidst the haze of cigarette smoke and the scent of beer, your uncle sits, offering you a drink with a gruff “stay as a man.” Embrace your lineage as each mission unravels the mysteries hidden within your uncle’s drunken ramblings. Ubisoft’s attention to detail perfectly recreates the atmosphere of familial eccentricity.
78) Assassin’s Creed Of Us Remake
Welcome to the remastered Assassin’s Creed Of Us remake! Set in 2033, your mission is to escort a child to the doctor—again. But hey, at least the graphics are top-notch this time around! Get ready for plenty of stealth action, though haystacks are notably absent this time. Ubisoft’s clever twist in this sequel will keep you on your toes!
77) Assassin’s Creed Kingston Falls
Welcome to Assassin’s Creed: Kingston Falls, set in 1980s America during Christmas. Your dad’s gift—a seemingly innocent furry ball—unleashes chaos when it turns out to be a Gremlin. With unique water mechanics, the town soon swarms with Templar Gremlins. Ready your bow and prepare to take on the festive mayhem!
76) Assassin’s Creed USS Nostromo
Prepare for an interstellar journey in Assassin’s Creed USS Nostromo, set in the year 2122. Your mission: restore order aboard this spaceship. With powerful stealth mechanics at your disposal, navigate through a nightmare as the story unfolds. But beware, among the crew lurks a Templar robot. Can you uncover the traitor before it’s too late?
75) Assassin’s Creed New Jersey
You woke up this morning. Got yourself a gun, Mama always said you’d be. The Chosen One.
74) Assassin’s Creed Customer Service
Welcome to Assassin’s Creed Customer Service, where your mission is to tackle the ultimate challenge: the ringing phone. Answer it, and you’ll encounter angry customers demanding compensation. Choose wisely: grant their request and alter the course of your adventure, or stand firm and face the consequences. Navigate through a massive open-world map concealed within the confines of a small office cubicle, where every decision shapes your destiny. Get ready for an adrenaline-fueled journey unlike any other!
73) Assassin’s Creed Job Interview
Welcome to Assassin’s Creed Job Interview, where the stakes are higher than ever! Begin by selecting your finest cape, for appearance is everything. Embark on a grueling 100-hour journey through the intricacies of the job interview process, where every decision shapes your fate. But be warned: despite your best efforts, securing the job may remain elusive. Can you navigate the challenges and emerge victorious, or will the coveted position slip through your fingers? Prepare for the ultimate test of skill, strategy, and perseverance!
72) Assassin’s Creed Christmas 1988 Los Angeles
The templars have planned to take hostage the whole Nagasaki Building. Unfortunately they did not count for you, the great assassin being there. Neither did anyone else for that matter. Use your sword as you take down the Templars one by one. Yippee Ki Yay!
71) Assassin’s Creed Stardew Valley
Animus has brought you to a chill session at the farm. You farm and you farm and you farm. This sequel to one of the biggest franchises has it all! You have choices to either farm pumpkins or potatoes. Be careful though what you choose. The consequences might be fatal! Incredible deep immersive open world experience awaits you.
70) Assassin’s Creed Amsterdam
Another Animus glitch? Is this for real? You wake up from your own vomit at the youth hostel lobby floor. Somebody has stolen all your last night’s loot and it’s time for revenge. This insane sequel to Assassin’s Creed will have you at the edge of your seat while you hunt for the ones who stole your wallet and gave you mushrooms. That you ate. Because why not? Do you have any idea why the hell you were naked and pissing on that nice lady’s dog? In this city that embraces assassins, it’s time to reclaim your dignity and set things right.
69) Assassin’s Creed Blue Velvet
In memories, I walk with you. In memories, I talk to you. In memories, you’re mine, all the time. Forever. In memories…
68) Assassin’s Creed Birds
This sequel turns things around a bit. That bird who is always helping you is now against you and there are hundreds of those. Fight against armies of birds as they swarm over you every chance they get. This is going to be one of the hardest Assassin’s Creed games ever!
67) Assassin’s Creed Ghosting
You will meet a lot of characters who will tell you they are your friend or enemies and immediately lose contact with you. You can’t even find them on the map! There is no one to talk to. You are all alone in a huge open world setting.
66) Assassin’s Creed AA Meeting
Hello my name is Ezio and I have a problem.
65) Assassin’s Creed Hell
Ready to battle the final boss of all bosses? In this hellish sequel you are trapped inside the memories of a trapped soul in hell. You try to loot but you get nothing from the void. Hail Satan!
64) Assassin’s Creed Millennium
The year is 1999 and it’s new year’s eve. Everyone is afraid that their computers collapse when the clock hits midnight. What will happen is far worse. You will enter a decade of reality tv and pop music dominance. Loot all you can because in 2008 it all goes to shit.
63) Assassin’s Creed Interzone
Exterminate all rational thought.
62) Assassin’s Creed Windows Vista Release Party
Is that Bill Gates? Yes it is. Let’s go talk to him. Oh wait shit he is going to do something that will change the history of the world forever. Windows Vista. Your animus starts immediately glitching and the operator tells you that they just installed Windows Vista on Animus and it’s causing serious trouble. You’re probably not going to make it. Blue screen.
60) Assassin’s Creed In Da Club
Go shorty it’s your birthday. We are going to party like it’s your birthday. Main mission is to go after P Diddy. Side quests include hanging upside down in da club.
59) Assassin’s Creed Eating Chicken Wings With Your Brother
Prepare for an immersive day out with your brother. Don’t have a brother? No problem! Watch as your virtual sibling chokes on chicken wings, triggering a minigame where you desperately try to save him as death stares you in the eyes. Fuelled by vengeance against the chicken wing industry, you embark on a quest that leads you to hide in a haystack at a chicken farm. Get ready for a unique and unforgettable gaming experience!
58) Assassin’s Creed At The Dentist
In Assassin’s Creed At The Dentist, you’ll face one of the most dreaded challenges within the Animus: a trip to the dentist. Assume the role of Jeff as he finds himself in the dentist’s chair, grappling with the fear and discomfort of the situation. Can you help Jeff escape the ordeal, navigating through the daunting obstacles of drills and discomfort? Prepare for a thrilling and unexpected adventure in the most unexpected setting!
57) Assassin’s Creed Highschool History Class 1998
Here we go again motherfuckers. Time for a relaxing nap at Mr. Stevenson’s History Class. Can there be anything more boring than Mr- Stevenson’s history class? Probably your dad’s music collection but boy is this yawning. I think I am going to die in my sleep. Wait what? What kind of Animus memory is this?? I was supposed to fight the Templars! What?! Is this a glitch or Todd’s prank?
56) Assassin’s Creed Rocky
Step into the shoes of Apollo Creed as you confront a formidable Templar known as Rocky. Despite his reputation for toughness, you, Apollo, are the true master. Prepare for an epic showdown where skill and strategy will determine the victor. Can you defeat Rocky and thwart the Templar’s plans? The fate of the Creed lies in your hands.
55) Assassin’s Creed Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Ubisoft will really blow people’s minds with this one! Spoiler alert! You are inside a memory of a chicken and your mission is to cross the road. Why? To get to the other side.
54) Assassin’s Creed Powerwash Simulator
Finally, you can scrub away the grime from the streets of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla and beyond. Immerse yourself in the soothing world of power washing as you clean every set piece from all the Assassin’s Creed games. It’s the perfect ASMR experience for when you need to unwind and relax. So grab your virtual pressure washer and get ready to make those streets sparkle!
53) Assassin’s Creed Sátántangó
In a desolated Hungarian village you are one of the villagers that gets drunk for the rest of the game. This sequel is full of hundreds of cutscenes that last 1 hour each.
52) Assassin’s Creed IKEA With Your Dad
In this mind bending sequel every opponent you face is your father, presenting an unbeatable challenge. As you navigate the labyrinthine IKEA together, you must endure his constant moaning and anxiety. Though you may share a bond akin to brothers, in this game, you are sworn enemies destined to confront each other. Can you overcome the ultimate test of familial rivalry and emerge victorious, or will the IKEA labyrinth claim you both?
51) Assassin’s Creed Late From Work
With the removal of running and fast travel, you’ll navigate the bustling city streets at a realistic pace, encountering the best side quests along the way. Feel the pressure of being late from work as you weave through crowds, dodge obstacles, and explore every corner of the cityscape. With each step, you’ll feel the weight of your mission bearing down on you, making every decision crucial to your success. Will you make it to work on time, or will the challenges of the city slow you down?
50) Assassin’s Creed Divorce
Step into the shoes of a child caught in the midst of their parents’ divorce, forced to listen to their arguments while trying to sleep in your room. The experience is heart-wrenching and impossible to escape, leaving you emotionally drained. By the end of the game, you are ready for years of therapy.
49) Assassin’s Creed Once Downloaded Immediately Deleted Game
You’ve downloaded the latest Assassin’s Creed game, only to find yourself instinctively deleting it from your hard drive moments later. It’s a puzzling glitch that defies explanation. With the Animus malfunctioning, the true mystery awaits unraveling. Can you uncover the secrets behind this strange occurrence, or will the glitch persist, leaving you questioning reality itself? The truth lies within the code.
48) Assassin’s Creed Bartender
Take on the role of a skilled assassin who also happens to be a master mixologist. Navigate through the bustling atmosphere of a lively tavern, where danger lurks in every corner. Utilize your stealthy skills to eavesdrop on conversations, gather intel, and carry out covert missions—all while crafting the perfect cocktails for your patrons. Maybe you can craft one drink for yourself? Why not? It has been a long day after all.
47) Assassin’s Creed Wish Number 1
Remember that time you had three wishes and your first wish was the one that sucked the most. Well Ubisoft has something special for you this time around! They have built a game that uses the latest technology to bring every gamer their wish number 1. Here is an example of three common wishes. Wish number 1: I wish that I was cool. Wish number 2: I wish that I am rich. Wish number 3: I wish that I live forever. In this example you start as the coolest cat around. You are an ice cube. You have to finish the game before you melt but it is impossible because you are an ice cube. What a ride! It’s a true Assassin’s Creed game after all!
46) Assassin’s Creed Infinite
Assume the role of Master Chief, an ancient futuristic warrior, as he battles against the Banished Templar, an alien faction threatening the fabric of reality. Armed with advanced weaponry and special equipment like the Grappleshot, players must navigate treacherous terrain, engage in intense firefights, and unravel the mysteries of a universe on the brink of collapse. Get ready for an adrenaline-pumping adventure unlike anything you’ve experienced before!
45) Assassin’s Creed Fallout 5
Assassin’s Creed, Assassin’s Creed never changes. Glitching haystacks are laid all over the wasteland waiting for you to jump in them. Long in the making, Assassin’s Creed Fallout 5 is expected to release in 2032.
44) Assassin’s Creed Fentanyl
This time around your character decides to take Fentanyl instead of Animus. The results are somewhat relaxing. Watch as your character sleeps 20 hours straight on a subway station concrete floor. Intense battles are a distant memory at this point. Time to zone off. Just one fix.
43) Assassin’s Creed One Last Breath
Please come now, I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it, let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet ain’t so far down
42) Assassin’s Creed Destruction Derby
Fight against all your favorite Assassin’s Creed characters in a new destruction derby style racing game from Ubisoft! Realtime destruction mechanics and like over 10 maps all around the world. How about racing around the pyramids? Or an ice ring at Valhalla? This game will blow your fucking mind!
41) Assassin’s Creed NHL 94
Time to lace up your skates and hit the ice in a battle for the Stanley Cup! Prepare to face off against the nefarious Templar team in every match as you strive for hockey glory. Ubisoft breaks new ground by introducing innovative 2D graphics to the Assassin’s Creed franchise, providing a fresh and unique gaming experience. Get ready for revamped fighting mechanics that deliver the most realistic hockey combat ever seen in a video game. It’s time to show your skills on the ice and lead your team to victory in this thrilling blend of assassin action and hockey mayhem!
42) Assassin’s Creed Story
Step into the imaginative world of a small boy’s room, where you join a colorful cast of toys on a quest for the ultimate prize: the boy’s attention. In this whimsical sequel, you’ll utilize stealth mechanics to navigate the precarious landscape of a child’s playroom, blending seamlessly into your surroundings.
41) Assassin’s Creed Baby Got Back
Ubisoft teams up with rap group Sir Mix A Lot to bring you a never before seen masterpiece in gaming. You use Animus to get inside the memory of a big butt. They used months to model a realistic toilet bowl for this game. Engineers all over the world want to use this sequel’s 3d graphics to build toilet bowls. It’s just so good!
40) Assassin’s Creed The Barbarian
Master actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was approached by the Ubisoft team to play once again Conan The Barbarian. Arnold is back! But there is a twist! You use Animus to play as Conan the barbarian and fight your way in the 1980’s South France. Side Quests include winery building and drinking wine. When your character gets too drunk he starts wielding his huge sword around. The French are baffled!
39) Assassin’s Creed Predator
Anytime. Over here. Anytime. See that in the trees? It’s the fucking Predator. Nothing will prepare you as you get inside the memory of Hawkins. His mind is so twisted and fucked up that you question reality itself. Try to finish the mission when the monologue inside your head is filled with “pussy jokes”. At press time Ubisoft did not comment on the status of this sequel. But we know it’s out there. Hiding.
38) Assassin’s Creed Drive Down The Memory Lane
With the incredible power of the Animus, Ubisoft presents the biggest sequel yet, allowing you to explore the infinite depths of the DNA chain. Relive cherished memories and poignant moments as you drive down the lanes of nostalgia. From the tree where you shared your first kiss to the park bench where your heart was broken, every corner holds a piece of your history. That was actually the park bench where she broke up with you after you told her that you love Assassin’s Creed games. Remember the time you ate peanuts and discovered your allergy? This game will leave you breathless!
37) Assassin’s Creed The Hedgehog
Experience thrilling gameplay mechanics as you dash through vibrant environments, mastering the art of running, jumping, and collecting rings. Get ready for an extra dose of nostalgia as this sequel takes on the beloved sidescroller format, offering a perfect blend of classic and modern gaming. With its fast-paced action and addictive gameplay, speedrunners are sure to flock to this exciting new adventure. Lace up your sneakers and prepare to race through memories like never before in Assassin’s Creed The Hedgehog!
36) Assassin’s Fear And Loathing
You are somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs begin to take hold. You say something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive. . . .” And suddenly there is a terrible roar all around and the sky is full of what look like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which is going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice is screaming “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn Templars?”
35) Assassin’s Creed Hurt
Ubisoft explores a darker and more introspective approach to the franchise. Inspired by the haunting lyrics of the 90s Nine Inch Nails classic, this game delves into themes of pain, self-reflection, and resilience. Navigate through a world where every action leaves a mark, challenging players to confront their own mortality and inner demons. With its emotionally charged narrative and atmospheric gameplay, Assassin’s Creed Hurt promises to push boundaries and captivate audiences in ways never seen before.
34) Assassin’s Creed Watching A Squirrel In A Tree
Immerse yourself in the tranquil setting of Germany in 1786. As a nobleman in a park, your primary objective is simple: watch a squirrel in a tree. However, the true challenge lies in the intricacies of the side missions, all of which revolve around observing the squirrel in various contexts and environments. Exciting!
33) Assassin’s Creed At The Grocery Store
What to eat tonight? You are inside the memory of a grocery store customer. I hope it’s pizza again! This sequel is focused more on different endings you’ll have through your decisions. You can choose pizza or you can choose different kinds of pizza. Fun right?
32) Assassin’s Creed Alone In A Car
Ever felt sad? You will now.
31) Assassin’s Creed Sewage System Repair Man
The main mission of this game is so disgusting that Ubisoft is afraid that anybody will be interested in playing this game. The mission involves you to clean the sewage system of 1970s New York. Fight against alligators and homeless people with rats in their mouth in this most accurate historical open world ever made.
30) Assassin’s Creed 4ever
This sequel has been in development hell since the first Assassin’s Creed game back in 2007. Rumored to be the greatest sequel ever made. Early leaks tell otherwise. Gaming community is worried.
29) Assassin’s Creed Episode 3
After the success of Assassin’s Creed II, Ubisoft outsourced the next sequel to Valve. The sequel has yet to be released. Rumored to be in development hell for ages.
28) Assassin’s Creed Dinner With Gordon Ramsay
Ubisoft tests its wings on the cooking simulator genre with this anticipated sequel to one of the greatest franchises ever made. Main mission is to prepare an ala carte dinner for Gordon Ramsay. Side missions include preparing side dishes and desserts. Gordon Ramsay is rumored to be one of the toughest final bosses in gaming history.
27) Assassin’s Creed Hitman
After meeting with Ezio, Agent 47 goes missing. Roll the credits.
26) Assassin’s Creed Fetal Position
First cutscene of this game shows the main character jumping into a haystack and for some reason staying there a considerable amount of time. The game has only one mission and that is to stay inside the comforting dark haystack in a fetal position and cry yourself to sleep.
25) Assassin’s Creed Shock
Plunge into the depths of an ancient underwater city known as Rapture City. While it may not be Atlantis, the mysteries that await you beneath the waves are just as thrilling. Dive into the memories of a man endowed with extraordinary abilities, including the power to shoot fire from his hand.
24) Assassin’s Creed Clean Your Plate
The liver casserole is not tasty enough for you? Think about the children in Africa. If you don’t clean your plate, you will have no tv for the rest of the week!
23) Assassin’s Creed Is A Afraid
Ubisoft has no idea what this game is about and they don’t care.
22) Assassin’s Creed Avenger
The leaked cutscene of this sequel showcases the protagonist’s dramatic plunge into a toxic radioactive waste barrel. While this departure from the usual haystacks may seem unconventional, it’s a bold move by Ubisoft that hints at a fresh and innovative approach to the franchise.
21) Assassin’s Creed Taste
The aliens have come from space to make burgers out of humans. You are inside the memory of a New Zealand man called Derek and ready to eliminate all the alien bastards. Weapons include chainsaw and a bowl of vomit. Prepare for intense battles and unexpected twists as you fight to save humanity from becoming intergalactic fast food. Will you have the stomach to face the ultimate culinary showdown?
20) Assassin’s Creed Shrunk The Brotherhood
Honey? I shrunk the brotherhood! As the Brotherhood is mysteriously shrunken down, you must navigate the vast open world from a new perspective. Embark on a journey through the intricate landscapes of a Templar’s body, from crawling through ear canals to striking at the heart of their brain with your blade. With a massive open world to explore, every grain of sand and drop of water presents a new challenge to overcome. Get ready for an epic adventure where size doesn’t matter, but stealth and strategy are key. Will you unravel the mystery and restore the Brotherhood to its rightful size?
19) Assassin’s Creed To The Future
Great Scott! Embark on a time-bending adventure with Doc Brown and a hotwired Animus attached to a DeLorean! Abstergo Industries has recruited Doc to alter the course of history and prevent Ubisoft from creating any more games in the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Travel to the 2000s USA, where you’ll navigate through iconic landmarks and pivotal moments in gaming history.
18) Assassin’s Creed Busters
Who you gonna call? The brotherhood! Time to bust some ancient templar ghosts. Ubisoft has gone all out with a focus on four-player co-op in this thrilling sequel. Join forces with fellow assassins as you battle spectral enemies across haunted landscapes and ancient ruins. But be careful not to cross swords with your allies in the heat of battle! Teamwork is key as you unravel the mysteries of the afterlife and put an end to the Templar’s ghostly schemes once and for all.
17) Assassin’s Creed Doing The Laundry
Ever wondered what it was like to wash your dirty hood and boots in the holy land in 1191? Well soon you can with the Assassin’s Creed Doing The Laundry game. Range of weapons includes some rocks and wood. You will soon realize that white hood and blood don’t mix that well.
16) Assassin’s Creed Change A Broken Tire
Assassin’s Creed fans aka. Creed Heads have wished for this sequel for a long time. One of the most interesting concepts in the Assassin’s Creed universe comes to life in a beautiful open world tire changing simulator. Time to get your hands dirty and change those pesky Templars!
15) Assassin’s Creed At The Drive Thru
Brace yourself for a pulse-pounding experience as you wait for your turn inside a car! With no haystacks in sight, your only obstacles are the tantalizing temptations of fast food and the looming specter of diabetes and cardiac arrest.
14) Assassin’s Creed At The Zoo
Begin your journey as a captive gorilla, locked in a cage by the zoo’s Templar president. But as you uncover the truth behind the zoo’s sinister operations, you rise up to overthrow your captors and liberate your fellow animals. With stealth and cunning, navigate through the various exhibits, using your strength and agility to outmaneuver the Templar guards and free the oppressed creatures of the zoo.
13) Assassin’s Creed Warehouse
Step into the daily life of a logistics expert at the Ubisoft warehouse, situated in the vast expanse of the Sahara desert. As you navigate the intricacies of storing and organizing massive amounts of Assassin’s Creed sequels, you’ll encounter challenges and secrets hidden within the sprawling facility. Main mission includes sitting hours in the toilet playing Assassin’s Creed Rebellion
12) Assassin’s Creed Doom Scroll
Ubisoft introduces a game tailored to the digital age, set within the intricate depths of the Assassin’s Creed User Interface. Journey through an endless stream of settings and options, meticulously crafted to capture the attention of dopamine addicts everywhere. As you delve deeper into the interface, you’ll find yourself navigating through a labyrinth of choices, each more captivating and soul-crushing than the last. But beware, for the allure of endless scrolling may lead to a descent into despair, leaving you haunted by the echoes of your own toilet flush. Will you find solace amidst the chaos of the Doom Scroll, or will you succumb to its tantalizing grip? The choice is yours buddy!
11) Assassin’s Creed Judgement Day
In a twisted turn of events the Animus transports you into the memory of the formidable killing machine, T-1000. Tasked with protecting John Connor from the clutches of the evil Templars. Yet again Arnold reprised one of his famous roles for this amazing video game crossover sequel. He’ll be back.
10) Assassin’s Creed Ridley Scott’s Napoleon
One of the greatest movies ever made turned into a one of the greatest sequels to one of the greatest video game franchises ever made. Metacritic score will explode with this one.
9) Assassin’s Creed CSI Miami
Oh shit! Murder has been committed at the Abstergo Industries. Horatio Caine is here and he just took off his sunglasses. As a DNA warrior, you must utilize your stealth mechanics to navigate through the crime scene and evade detection. With no haystacks in sight, your skills will be put to the ultimate test as you unravel the mystery behind the murder and stay one step ahead of Horatio’s keen eye.
8) Assassin’s Creed And Butt-head
You said ‘Animus’ uhuhuh huh.
7) Assassin’s Creed 76
Behold. The greatest multiplayer game ever made is coming to you soon. This sequel will define what multiplayer games are made of.
6) Assassin’s Creed Field
Ever imagined traversing galaxies brimming with Assassin’s Creed worlds? Well, dream no more, Ezio! The upcoming sequel to the best franchise ever made is going to take blast from the past to the next level. We are talking about completely bending time and going to space. Equip your sword and prepare for zero-gravity assassinations. With over 1000 planets and historical timelines to explore, this expansive open-world game, years in the making, promises an unparalleled adventure.
5) Assassin’s Creed, Coyote And Badger
Every great hero requires steadfast companions. Among the finest are Coyote and Badger, who journey together under the cloak of night. Your mission? Join their furry escapades and venture into an immersive open world like never before, all while remembering to take occasional naps. The innovative Trail Camera System (TCS) revolutionizes gameplay in this Assassin’s Creed installment, allowing you to control your character solely from its perspective.
4) Assassin’s Creed PGA Tour
You like golf? Neither do we. But fear not! The next Ubisoft classic brings Assassin’s Creed to where it truly belongs: the lush green fields of the PGA Tour. Utilize your sword and stealth kills to secure that elusive hole-in-one. Just be sure not to trip over your hood in the process.
3) Assassin’s Creed At The Movies
Lights, camera, action! In this sequel, Ubisoft takes you to 1920s Hollywood, the era of early cinema. The game is filled with cutscenes from previous Assassin’s Creed titles, as your character finds themselves working in a 1920s movie theater. You’ll need to assassinate annoying customers and complete plenty of side quests, including cleaning the toilets.
2) Assassin’s Creed Suit Larry
Get ready for the sexiest adventure yet! Slip into your leisure hood and delve into a world of sleazy yet luxurious hotels, ships, beaches, resorts, and casinos. With stealth mechanics at your disposal, you can choose whether to use your charm to pick up women or explore the world at your own pace. But beware, as the seductive allure of the high life may lead to unexpected twists and turns.
1) Assassin’s Creed Tinder Date
Write to your Tinder profile that you read this list all the way down and we promise you’ll get hundreds of matches. If not, blame Ubisoft!
LONDON — Tragedy has struck Rocksteady Studios after half of their QA department were killed by the Suicide Squad under orders from WB higher ups.
“We know that it’s not the outcome anyone wanted but it’s what had to be done,” said WB spokesperson Janet Beasly. “This decision wasn’t made lightly. It’s never easy to have to send in the Suicide Squad to kill employees but it is our duty to protect the best interest of the shareholders. If that means a few slaughtered workers then so be it. If they had wanted to live they would have made sure their game met our outrageously unrealistic expectations. They knew the risks.”
Rocksteady studio head Marcus Bernard gave his own statement on the development, claiming to be shocked by the event.
“This is never what you want for your studio. We were proud of the game we made, we followed every directive that WB gave to us even when we disagreed or felt like we should be working on something else but we think that we did the best job we possibly could given the circumstances. Unfortunately that wasn’t good enough and WB told us that drastic measures must be taken to rectify their losses. They demanded we choose a department to gut. Literally. It’s never an easy decision but if anyone was going to get killed by the Suicide Squad over this it had to be the QA department. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be, none of this is my fault, I’m just in charge. Had to be them, easily replaced.”
WB CEO David Zaslav weighed in on the decision to send in the Suicide Squad.
“At the end of the day I run a business. We make content and when that content doesn’t make enough money for me or the shareholders then you have to do something. You can’t just let something be a financial loss. Frankly I blame myself because I should have canceled that game for a tax write-off before it was ever released but I didn’t even know we made video games until last week when the numbers came in. As CEO of this company it’s my duty as the one in charge of everything to send the Suicide Squad to kill whoever is responsible for this company not performing well.”
At press time, David Zaslav is reportedly planning on implanting all WB employees with bombs in their head in the event his decision making leads to them making another flop.
LOS ANGELES — Comedian Brennan Lee Mulligan’s entire upbringing and career were recently revealed to be part of one of Sam Reich’s trademark tricks for Dropout’s “Game Changer” show.
“Honestly, we chose him entirely at random,” said Reich. “We’re really lucky that he turned out to be an incredible comedian and performer. My father’s status from serving at the Federal Trade Commision in Carter’s administration allowed me several remarkable opportunities, one of which was to pick an infant to build an entire brand around when I was only four years old. When ‘The Truman Show’ came out in ‘98, I was worried that our thunder had been stolen. It’s very fortunate that he started playing Dungeons & Dragons and gave us a different angle.”
Mulligan noted that he was surprised—but not shocked—by the revelation.
“This is the kind of prank that could only happen under the oppressive paradigm of capitalism,” said Mulligan, staring directly at the camera as he leaned over a podium. “And you may think it’s just me, but these systems control all of us. Do you think that you are in charge of your own life? Friend, you are no different than me. A world where Elon Musk controls the majority of human discourse is not a world in which we are free to make our own decisions.”
Actress, playwright, and Mulligan’s mother Elaine Lee commented on her participation in the bit.
“Of course it was a difficult decision, but I saw Sam’s vision,” said Lee. “It was more than just embarrassing my son and making him question his sanity; it was the foundation of an entire media franchise. Besides, it’s not like I had any choice in the matter. Sam was present at Brennan’s birth, ready to scoop him up. He’s been here the whole time.”
At press time, Reich noted that he had an even bigger secret to reveal. Several witnesses reported that reality itself seemed to glitch when shortly after the announcement.
Warner Bros. recently announced “The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum,” an artistically bankrupt effort to rip Andy Serkis away from 20th Century Studios’ Planet of the Apes franchise so he can do motion capture for them, instead. While the report of Gollum’s capture may be one of the more dull untold stories of the saga, there are even more pointless tales from the legendarium that should be told. Here are ten characters that deserve their own spinoff.
Tom Bombadil
There. You happy? Do you actually want this? Really? Just two hours of a stocky little guy in yellow boots gallivanting around the forest? Maybe singing some cute little songs? Solving problems throughout the woods with his ineffable powers? You know what, I’m gonna move on before I talk myself into this.
Figwit
This guy is present at the Council of Elrond, so he’s got to be pretty important. I imagine he got up to all sorts of stuff before and after the audience met him. Maybe he was an observer at Morgoth’s binding, or perhaps he was just off to the side as Frodo boarded the ship that would take him from the Grey Havens to the Undying Lands.
Curmudgeonly Hobbit Sweeping Walkway
One of Peter Jackson’s most contentious decisions while making The Lord of the Rings films was his omission of the Scouring of the Shire, a section of the novels where Frodo and his hobbit companions must rally their countrymen to reclaim their land from outside invaders led by the corrupted wizard Saruman. It shows that the wider conflict has not spared their idyllic homeland.
In the films, however, the Shire is spared. The four hobbits return to find their country unchanged, despite the growth they have experienced themselves. They find that they no longer fit into this land the way that they used to. Frodo is so traumatized that he eventually leaves Middle-Earth entirely. Young Merry and Pippin return as heroes, ready to lead. Sam—okay, Sam doesn’t really change. This theme is underlined by the shot of an older hobbit watching them return as he sweeps his front walk, just as he was doing when they left.
I want to know what this guy’s been up to. What other chores does he have? Has he experienced any other moments of transient joy, like when he saw Gandalf delight the hobbit children with his fireworks? Just how dirty does that walkway get, anyway?
Barliman Butterbur
Just do fantasy “Cheers.” Butterbur is Coach, Nob is Sam, and Rosie Cotton runs away to Bree for a few years to fill the Diane role. It basically writes itself.
Mouth of Sauron
Cut from the theatrical edition of “Return of the King,” the Mouth of Sauron is the Dark Lord’s herald. Not very much is known about him, except for the fact that he is some kind of sorcerer or magician. There’s our hook. We see his rise from a lowly birthday performer, all the way to a prestigious Vegas residency. After incurring more gambling debt than he can pay, his assistant dies during a tragic and suspicious accident during his performance. Disgraced, he is forced to seek work at the only place that would take him—Mordor.
Gothmog
This guy kind of comes out of nowhere, and I’d like to know more about him. I’m not curious about why he shares a name with an infamous balrog, but I do want to know if he ever got caught up in some treasure-hunting escapades with his criminal family. Maybe he even befriended a young boy who was with a rival treasure-hunting group after being offered a candy bar.
Celeborn
This is a classic boomer sitcom where a henpecked husband must endure being constantly outfoxed by his disproportionately attractive wife. I’m sure the elves of Lorien can make a very comfortable easy chair out of a mallorn tree.
Dwarf Who Was About to Volunteer for the Fellowship Right Before Gimli Did
Gimli wasn’t the only dwarf at the Council of Elrond. He was just the quickest to stand up. Imagine how this guy must have felt. A little relieved, sure, but the FOMO would be through the roof. Did he just go home, wondering about what could have been and assuming that he would be able to kill more orcs than any elf? I’ve got to know!
The Moth Gandalf Whispered To
I mean, this must have been some adventure. A moth traveling over 400 miles to deliver a message to a bunch of giant eagles? I guess that some butterflies migrate vast distances, but I don’t think they do it solo. I want to see how this guy avoided getting eaten, swatted down, or just plain exhausted as he traversed the length of the Misty Mountains. It sounds like a harrowing tale.
Bill the Pony
I may have sounded sarcastic in the last entry, but I need to be clear that I unironically want a Bill the Pony movie. He found his way back to Bree all the way from Moria! That’s an incredible journey, which is literally the title of a film where animals find their way back home against incredible odds! Since we never technically see him reunite with Sam in the movies, I think we all deserve a scene where the hobbit stands despondent at The Prancing Pony, bemoaning how Bill was just too old for the trip—only to see the tiny stallion trot over the horizon at that exact moment. Please, Peter Jackson, make this happen.
LOS ANGELES — After securing nearly $15 million in funds through a Kickstarter campaign, Brandon Sanderson announced that the core books for his in-development tabletop RPG will be the entire corpus of his written work, sources confirm.
“I write hard magic systems,” said Sanderson during an episode of his “Writing Excuses” podcast. “That means you can’t throw out a single word. If a player hasn’t read all of my books, then the whole magical architecture collapses. It quite literally becomes dangerous to use. Besides, there needs to be a cost for all things. In order to play my RPG, you must sacrifice the funds necessary to obtain every single novel I have ever written. You might think that this would exclude my non-Cosmere works, but remember, it’s a hard magic system. That means it’s comprehensive.”
Sanderson’s fans were thrilled with the announcement.
“Another win for the hardest working writer in genre fiction,” said Neil Hopkins, who works over seventy hours every week between three jobs. “I’m just glad that someone who understands magic is making a TTRPG. Magic isn’t supposed to be mysterious or enigmatic, and it’s certainly not supposed to illuminate themes within a narrative. It’s supposed to be a simple system where you trade points for very specific powers. Also, I’m glad that there will finally be a TTRPG where sex is explicitly prohibited. I hate horny players.”
Industry analysts were less optimistic about Sanderson’s foray into the gaming space.
“Sure, twenty years ago, this game would have been a hit,” said Jonas Buchanan, a prominent tabletop blogger. “Back then, most games were rigid, rules-based affairs. They were just like Sanderson’s books. Any time you wanted to do anything interesting or creative, you had to rely on your DM to loosen up a little bit. That’s not the case anymore. There are many systems that allow for much more open and free play. Unfortunately for Sanderson, the current TTRPG environment favors storytelling over nitpicky mechanics. It’s a shame he is so focused on the latter.”
At press time, Sanderson announced that he had written three more novels that will be added to the game’s required core materials.
EREBUS— It’s well known that the residents of the underworld and Olympus are all impressive when it comes to combat. But that’s not the reason we play Hades II. Or…not the only reason, at least. Let’s get down to brass tacks, folks: which one of these stupidly sexy mythological motherfuckers would make for the most tender, caring and giving romantic partner? We know you’ve thought about it at least once (I mean, look at you), and here at Hard Drive we live for such groundbreaking journalism as this. As such, we’ve taken the liberty of breaking it down for you. All of this is objective fact and we promise we are not biased in any way.
12. Narcissus
I mean, this one’s pretty obvious, right? It’s in the name. There’s no way this chiseled hunk could give two phantom shits about anyone other than himself. He’s literally where the term narcissism comes from…and that does extend to the bedroom. You think this guy is going to gently caress your skin like silk, or look into your eyes until your very spirits begin to merge? Get real.
11. Eris
Woof, that haircut. Bark, bark– sorry, that was unbecoming of me. Eris, daughter of Nyx, is strife incarnate, and she usually behaves like a spoiled brat for most of the game. She’s mischievous, which can be hot under the right circumstances, but she’s not mature enough for you and you know it. Tender? Caring? She doesn’t know those words. We’ve all dated someone like her at some point, right?
10. Nemesis
As the living personification of retribution, this hot tamale is cold-blooded, and would likely only have time for a quickie before going back to making Melinoë’s life more interesting. She’d just be looking to come and go, y’know? And she’d probably laugh in your face if you asked her for quality time together. But my gods, look at that wide stance. Those arms, her forearm shield…you know what? Let me stop.
9. Hecate
Hecate is the goddess of witchcraft and doorways, among other things, and while that might sound kind of hot on paper, in reality it would probably amount to having more spells cast on you than you’d like. She’s a mentor to Melinoë, so she is capable of being caring, but a gentle lover? I’m having a hard time seeing it. Those abs are mighty impressive, though.
8. Heracles
Ooh, big strong arms, protruding pecs, and a lion’s mane around his head? Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, yeah – the man is quite literally all brawn and no brains. He’s rugged, sure, but he’s always cold to Melinoë, and if that’s how he treats the princess of the underworld, you think he’s giving you the time of day? He wouldn’t even hold your hand or cuddle under the blanket while watching a shitty Netflix rom-com. Next!
7. Moros
Ok, now here’s where things start to get interesting. Moros is Doom incarnate, and while you might think that’s the last thing you’d want as a partner, he’s actually quite gentle once you get to know him. He’s polite, he’s cordial, he has a sense of manners. He’d probably ask for permission before going down on you. I know, I know: the bar is in Tartarus.
6. Hermes
Sure, the messenger god of commerce and travel might finish fast, but take that as a compliment, right? He’s just so excited to be with you in the first place. I mean, look at those devious eyes. That man has plans within plans for your evening, and could dart to Athens and back in the blink of an eye to bring you a bouquet of peonies. Just don’t expect him to still be there in the morning.
5. Artemis
A gentle ally to Melinoë throughout the game, Artemis may be the goddess of the hunt, but she’s also more quiet and reserved than you might expect. She’d definitely be down for a nice, relaxing stroll through the woods with you – a quality time queen! And she’s probably a low-key dom, too, with that bow perched on her shoulders the way it is. She knows her way around a mortal body. Something, something…Pressure Points?
4. Apollo
The biggest twink on Mount Olympus, Apollo would let you gently comb his golden locks, run your hands over his light-producing abs, and allow you to ride across the sky together in his chariot. Now that’s a first date! This man is literally a god of music, dance, poetry…imagine an ode written by him. Sploosh. You really can’t do much better when it comes to tender men!
3. Odysseus
Ok, I know I just said you can’t do much better than the literal god of light, but you have to give it to Odysseus: the man was at sea for ten years, he knows a thing or two about…taking his time, let’s say. For a legendary hero, he’s also one of the most normal people in Erebus. He’s bashful when Melinoë disrobes in the bath…if only someone reacted like that to me taking off my clothes! Sure, he may be a serial cheater, but this isn’t a list of how faithful they’d be, damn it! He’d show you a good time, and would treat you right, for as long (or short) of a time as that may be.
2. Aphrodite
Come on now. The Olympian goddess of love, sex and beauty herself? She knows every trick in the book, and knows just how you like it, you little freak. She’s got skin as smooth as satin and her love language is all of the love languages at once – she’d be generous, loving, appreciative of your nectar and ambrosia and willing to return the favor. It’d be a romance as incomparable as… a thing that you can’t compare something to! There would be paintings depicting her gentle touch on your unworthy mortal thighs. Well, until Ares walked in the door, that is.
1. Selene
Selene, Selene, SELENE MY QUEEN! She’s the literal Moon, for Zeus’s sake! Look at those kind eyes, that flowing dress, that hair! Selene is nothing but kind and affectionate, like the radiant light of the moon itself. She also has a fun side and craves a little adrenaline now and then. She’d be supportive of your ambitions, your desires, your bedroom kinks, and on top of it all, she’s a great listener and would probably be a great gift-giver too. You think you could find a more giving, tender lover? You’re dreaming even harder than Hypnos, my friend.
So there you have it, our definitive list that we definitely didn’t put any thought into at all. We hope we’ve helped you fantasize just a little bit harder about your ideal love life while playing the game. That’s what we’re here for, after all.
I’m sick of hearing millennials whine about how they can’t afford homes. The truth is, everyone in this spoiled generation would be living it up if they hadn’t let older kids trick them into giving up their most valuable Pokémon cards.
The Pokémon Trading Card Game’s original 1999 Base Set provided millennials with the most valuable assets they’ve ever had their hands on. Twenty-five years later, some holographic cards from this set can be worth tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, reports suggest most millennials were hustled out of these holos by older, shrewder children, locking them out of the housing market and lowering the standard of living for their entire generation.
I’ve heard some truly embarrassing anecdotes about millennials who foolishly gave away these golden tickets for little or nothing. One was beaten by an older kid who misrepresented the rules, saying that the winner got to keep the loser’s six prize cards, which included two First Edition Blastoise holos. This millennial later read the rule book and found out that’s not what the prize cards were for, but the older kid wouldn’t give them back.
In another case, a millennial traded a bunch of his Base Set holos after an older kid at a Toys “R” Us Pokémon League told him they were fake because the borders around the artwork didn’t have drop shadows. He later learned that shadowless cards are actually from an earlier print than cards with shadows and are more valuable. Yikes!
Advocates have been calling on local and state governments, Congress, and the president to take action to increase the affordability of housing, saying that an economy based on who was lucky enough to hang on to a bunch of decades-old trading cards isn’t fair.
But why should some dimwit who traded a PSA 10 First Edition Base Set Charizard for one of those Ancients Mew promo cards they gave out with tickets for Pokémon the Movie 2000 be bailed out by someone who played by the rules and kept their holos in a binder until the market was hot?
If millennials want to be taken seriously, it’s time for them to stop acting so entitled and take some responsibility for themselves by learning how to cheat today’s children out of cool collectibles that might become valuable someday.
Who you gonna call? The brotherhood! Time to bust some ancient templar ghosts. Ubisoft has gone all out with a focus on four-player co-op in this thrilling sequel. Join forces with fellow assassins as you battle spectral enemies across haunted landscapes and ancient ruins. But be careful not to cross swords with your allies in the heat of battle! Teamwork is key as you unravel the mysteries of the afterlife and put an end to the Templar’s ghostly schemes once and for all.
