PLAINS, Ga. — Former president and centenarian Jimmy Carter fulfilled his goal of voting for Kamala Harris in the 2024 American presidential election and has turned his focus to a new target: pre-ordering the long-awaited Nintendo game ‘Metroid Prime 4: Beyond.’
“We recognize the blessing and privilege to still have him with us,” said Carter’s granddaughter Margaret Alicia Carter. “He has lived a full life and is sure to leave a legacy of selfless civil service, noble pride in his American roots, and an unwavering dedication to first-party Nintendo titles. Grandma held out just long enough to complete her run of ‘Tears of the Kingdom,’ so it’s no surprise to us that grandpa has his sights set on a similar goal.”
Although the previous entry in the Metroid Prime series released in 2007, the fourth installment has undergone a series of setbacks, with some commentators speculating that it is in development hell.
“Nintendo already scrapped the whole project and assigned a different developer to start over completely, and that was back in 2019,” said Julie Valdez, a games writer at Wired. “Supposedly Prime 4 will now release in 2025, but my sources say they want to bookend it between ‘StarTropics 3’ and another couple dozen ‘Mario Kart 8’ tracks. There may be further delays down the line, as Nintendo has apparently devoted a large percentage of their workforce to localizing ‘Mother 3’ for Western audiences.”
While Carter remains undeterred despite Prime 4’s rocky development journey, he does admit to one other wish.
“I’m sure the Big N will get it done with Samus Aran’s next epic sci-fi adventure,” said the former president. “But I won’t truly die happy until we get a new Kid Icarus game. I’d even settle for a port of Uprising. C’mon, this Georgia peach wants his Pit.”
Carter was last seen entirely motionless, being fitted with a green arm cannon in preparations for the family Halloween party.
It’s hard to keep up with gaming’s most exciting releases if you don’t have a machine that can run anything more demanding than “Stardew Valley.” That problem is compounded if you don’t have the option of buying or building a desktop PC. If you’re in the market for a new gaming laptop, check out this list of machines you can research, post Reddit threads about, and maybe even add to your cart before deciding that you need to do just a little more due diligence.
Alienware m18 R2
This desktop replacement sure is tempting, what with its huge screen and top-of-the-line specs. Surely, this will be able to play any game you can imagine at very high settings. What more could you ask for? Then again, aren’t laptops supposed to be portable? Also, would your friends make fun of you for buying an Alienware product?
Asus ROG Zephyrus G14
Okay, so let’s prioritize portability. A 14-inch laptop would be easy to carry around in your backpack. Even without the ability to upgrade RAM, it’s got enough power to keep you happy. That is, if you want a teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy computer for babies. Are you a baby?
Asus ROG Zephyrus G16
Here we go: a mature gaming laptop that’s built for a big grown-up who doesn’t play games for babies. I mean, G16 is two better than G14, right? Wait, are the LEGO games for babies? Because you’re gonna want to play the LEGO games. Okay, maybe this wasn’t a super helpful framework for picking a laptop.
Razer Blade 15
Okay, maybe “no-nonsense” is a better way to look at this. You’re dead serious about gaming, no matter the title’s intended audience. You want a machine that is as serious as you. Well, the Razer Blade 15 certainly fits that description. You can inspect every centimeter of this laptop and you won’t find an ounce of nonsense. Honestly, it might be a little boring. Maybe too boring. Ugh.
Lenovo Legion Pro 7i (Gen 9)
A bunch of cool RGB lights ensure that no one would ever call your laptop boring. In fact, they’ll probably think it’s cooler than you. Your friends will start inviting your computer out and “forgetting” to call you. The worst part is you won’t even be able to game when you’re stuck at home, since your Pro 7i wouldn’t be there.
HP Spectre x360
Wait, I thought you said you wanted a gaming laptop—oh, no. Dude, your webcomic isn’t gonna take off. It’s not that you lack the right tools. It’s not even that you’re a terrible artist. It’s a dead medium. You have to accept that.
MSI Titan 18 HX
Holy shit. This thing is a beast. Sure, it might be almost eight pounds, but maybe that’s worth it to be able to say that you have the most powerful gaming laptop in the world. In fact, it’s almost definitely worth it. You know what? I think your search is—oh, fuck. It’s $5,000. Next.
Acer Nitro 16
Okay, budget options. The Nitro 16 is certainly no slouch when it comes to performance. It’ll probably run all of your favorite games just fine, even if it’s not as powerful as some of the beefier machines on this list. And yeah, it’s probably the responsible decision. But come on. Let’s just keep looking a little while longer, okay?
Just Start Picking out Components for a Desktop
Sure, it doesn’t fit your use case at all. Maybe you travel a lot, or you don’t have space in your home for a dedicated gaming area. Still, it’s fun to dream. Take a few minutes to play around in a virtual PC builder. Put together a build that would make Henry Cavill blush. It’s okay. We’ll be here when you get back.
Gigabyte Aorus 16X
This makes sense. It’s got some impressive specs and won’t destroy your wallet. You could live with this. You could even be happy with this. But wait—why did we say we didn’t like that Alienware laptop? I know the tab is still open around here somewhere….
HYRULE — Local resident and certified ophthalmologist Tarrin has no openings for the foreseeable future due to an influx of appointments with bosses with gigantic, pulsating eyes, sources report.
“I don’t see this changing for at least the next six Blood Moons,” the doctor sighed while smoking a cigarette outside of his Hateno Village practice. “It’s not like I can turn away these patients. Look, I’m as disgusted as anyone about the chaos that’s been wrought upon our land since the Upheaval, and I definitely do not agree with Ganondorf’s politics, but what can I do? I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath to provide care to anyone who needs it, including his underlings.”
One of Tarrin’s boss patients offered to weigh in on condition of anonymity.
“I’m supposed to be at my post hiding under the floor of a nearby temple until someone can solve a series of puzzles that will unleash me, but I just had to get this looked at,” the boss said while pointing at a severely infected and swollen eye in the center of his forehead. “Doesn’t this look horrible? On the off chance that some brave Hylian swordsman notices this, I’m done for. It hurts like hell when I touch it, so I don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if it gets hit with an arrow.”
Kitu, a hopeful patient from Zora’s Domain, was distressed at her inability to book an appointment with Tarrin.
“Ugh, what am I going to do?” Kitu lamented. “My eyes have been so irritated since this black oil showed up in the water in my neighborhood. I’m pretty sure I have chemical conjunctivitis, but the receptionist at Tarrin’s office said they can’t take me anytime soon. The next closest ophthalmologist in my network is in Gerudo Desert, which definitely isn’t conducive to my skin type. I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and venture down there.”
At press time, the ordeal was exacerbated tenfold when someone agitated the chickens in Kakariko Village, driving them into a pecking frenzy that caused multiple eye injuries.
SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy Harold Stalk, frustrated sources confirmed.
“I’m just a little dumbfounded here,” Stalk vented his frustrations in his latest YouTube video on how Hershey’s shrinkflation has completely upended his purpose in life. “I’m the reason that urban legend even exists! Hiding razor blades in candy is literally the only thing that brings me joy! But now you can clearly see the blade poking out of the much-smaller chocolate. What am I supposed to do now?”
While blade-free candy sounds like more of a solution than a problem, local trick-or-treaters found that Halloween just doesn’t feel the same anymore.
“It really takes the thrill out of the whole experience,” Oliver Caramel, 7, commented on Stalk’s video. “It’s called ‘trick-or-treating’ for a reason, you know. The rush you get from blindly devouring your candy haul, not knowing if this chocolate bar will be your last, it really does something for me. It fills a void.”
After Stalk’s video went unexpectedly viral, Hershey responded with a statement of their own.
“We completely understand your frustration”, explained Hershey’s Senior Chocolate Economist, Monet Baggs. “We here at Hershey’s actually think this is a great thing. I mean think about it! Now the would-be lacers have to find new, innovative ways to tamper with their candy. We don’t see this as ‘shrinkflation’, rather an opportunity for a new generation of lacers to make their mark on the world. Feel free to share your new lacing methods with the hashtag #HersheysHalloween! The most revolutionary tamperers will be sent a candy care package, so long as they pay for shipping.”
At press time, Stalk uploaded a new video saying that his problems have been solved after Gillette razors also underwent shrinkflation, allowing the smaller blades to fit inside the smaller candy.
SAN DIEGO — Skateboarding legend and philanthropist Tony Hawk was seen tiptoeing through his house in the dark of night, nervously looking to his left and right in order to make sure nobody was watching before booting up and playing “Skate 3” on his Xbox 360, sources confirm.
“Look, I get it. The guy needs to unwind sometimes, and who wants to be staring at their own polygonal face on screen whenever they do a virtual pop shove-it?” neighbor Bobby Allen said in a statement. “Sometimes it’s nice to not have to worry about your franchises and just do what you do best: show those freaking posers that you’re still the king, even in a video game.”
Local punk and skateboarder Kyle Fuller reacted to reports that, after making sure that no one was watching, Hawk breathed a sigh of relief, then looked around a second time to ensure there wasn’t anyone who could document him showing those “Skate” nerds a thing or two.
“Ok, like, sure, maybe the dude’s not coming down to the local half-pipes anymore, but he’s still the best,” said Fuller. “Sometimes at night the guys and I will pull up at his place with binoculars and just watch him go to town in Skate 3. Man, the dude’s still got it…uh, wait, don’t tell anyone I said that thing about the binoculars.”
According to Hawk’s spouse, Catherine Goodman, “Skate 3” is just a nice way for her husband to wind down after a long day, and that’s all there is to it.
“So he doesn’t play Pro Skater—big whoop! He’s still a Pro Husband, let me tell you. After a night of really going at it in the sack, he deserves to play whatever he wants,” Goodman said. “Why do you losers even care, anyway?”
At press time, Hawk was spotted putting on a helmet and knee-pads and downing a Red Bull before returning to the couch to absolutely clown on some in-game fools.
LOS ANGELES — In a press conference, Director James Cameron (“Titanic,” “Piranha II”) announced his retirement from position as the most annoying guy you follow’s favorite director.
“I’ve cherished my long years in this position, beginning in early 2022 when everyone over-corrected on ‘Avatar,’” the prolific “$”-drawer said, “but all things must end. When I saw the most annoying guy you follow call Francis Ford Coppola’s harassment allegations ‘king shit,’ I knew partnering with an AI company was the only behavior he couldn’t easily overlook.”
Cameron’s role on the board of Stability AI has sent ripples through the X.com film community, which was once united in support of “Big Jim.” The most annoying guy you follow took to the former social media giant to make his position clear.
“I knew it was coming,” the most annoying guy you follow said in an official statement to his X account, “I wanted to believe the ‘True Lies’ upscale was an isolated incident, but everyone has their limits. It’s a strange feeling, I usually reserve my contempt for any director born after 1965. I will be taking a short break from social media to locate another vulgar auteur who will assuredly be old, white, male, and with a history of questionable treatment of actors.”
Film Twitter industry experts have weighed in on whether or not this change in the most annoying guy you follow’s directorial rankings a sign of long-term change, or a momentary blip.
“Shake-ups like this have to happen every once in a while,” Billie Wilks, host of film podcast “Ratnerssaince,” direct messaged. “They’re nothing to lose sleep over. It won’t be long before Stability AI’s puppeteered dead actors, 13-fingered Na’vi, and James Cameron dialogue will be seen as works of outsider genius unappreciated by establishment critics.”
What this means for the future of Jim-posting remains unclear. At press time, the most annoying guy you follow was seen rating “Hacksaw Ridge” five stars on Letterboxd with the review “He has the juice!!”
I’m into The Ghoul from Fallout, and I’m not ashamed. I was into most ghouls when I first played the games and I’m even more into the one that being portrayed by Walton Goggins, one of the world’s foremost Kinda Weird Guys that always catch the eyes of the girls and the gays. The man is great at his job, he doesn’t complain, he has a dog, and he takes care of his health religiously. What’s not to love?
My boyfriend doesn’t quite understand this attraction, however. I have tried to channel my Ghoul lust in a healthy way by trying to get some Ghoul and Vault Dweller roleplay going with my beloved. But he always responds immediately with the negatives, like, “Isn’t he riddled with radiation?” and, “Didn’t he try to have the Vault Dweller’s organs harvested for drugs?” and, “He doesn’t even have a nose. What if he doesn’t have other things?”
He was really trying to dim my sparkle, and I felt dejected. That is, until I got an idea. I started seeing posters for Halloween costume parties on Insta. It was settled. I was going to throw a Halloween party with a dress code. But not just any dress code: a dress code so specific it would leave my boyfriend no choice but to pick The Ghoul.
I watched him as he read over the invitation. “So it has to be a character from a show I’ve watched that’s based on a video game I’ve played? Oh, hell yeah! I’ll go as Joel from The Last of Us!” But I had planned for this. I pointed to the directions under that line. “’But if you cried at any point during the show, you cannot go as that character.’ That seems oddly specific and also kind of toxic…” I told him I’d found the rules online and that everyone said it ended up being super fun. “Well, I guess I could go as The Ghoul.”
I had him. Now I just had to seal the deal.
Knowing my boyfriend is incapable of passing up a bet, I waited until he and his buddies were talking and I told him some guy across the room bet he couldn’t possibly lasso anyone. His buddies egged him on. He took out his lasso and lassoed me straight into the bedroom.
Follow me for more Ghoul themed manipulation tactics.
I went into Evotinction about as cold as I could. I’d never heard of it before its PR rep showed up in my email with a PS5 code. I installed it anyway, and it turned out to be a near-future stealth/action adventure by the Chinese studio Spikewave Games.
It’s also one of those stories that doesn’t just start in medias res, but in a way that suggests you missed the first six episodes. The first 10 minutes of Evotinction are a tidal wave of strange allusions, story fragments, and new acronyms that get explained much later, if at all. It’s only after you’ve run a gauntlet of homicidal Star Wars toys that you’re given a real idea of what’s happening or why.
Evotinction is set in a top-secret research facility, where around 2,000 of the world’s leading scientists were recruited to a multi-discipline think tank. The goal was to build the future before it arrives, with the assistance of a fleet of autonomous drones that are produced on-site. You play as Dr. Thomas Liu, who leads the facility’s efforts in computer science and AI engineering.
On New Year’s Eve, a virus infiltrates the facility’s systems and shuts most of the staff inside their quarters, while the rest are quickly hunted down by infected security robots. Since he didn’t set his software updates to “automatic,” Dr. Liu is left as one of the last people free to move around the facility. With the help of some newly-installed neural chips and his AI buddy 0z, Dr. Liu must find a way to access and purge the computer core before the trapped scientists starve to death.
At its core, Evotinction is a pure stealth game. Dr. Liu is sealed inside a protective suit as a precautionary measure, but still can’t handle a straight-up fight with any of the drones. You’ll quickly find an improvised tool that you can use to overload and destroy a single drone at nearly point-blank range, but it’s got sharply limited ammunition.
You also start with the ability to remotely interface with computer systems through an augmented-reality rig in Liu’s suit. Early on, this is mostly good for opening doors, but you can gather materials from throughout the base that Liu can use to create new offensive software.
This includes forcing drones to turn, shutting off their visual sensors, or infecting them with a virus that will spread to everything else in their local communications network. However, each hack you perform in an area draws increasing attention from the base’s subverted security programs, and eventually they’ll lock down the area around you. Pure stealth is always your best option.
It’s a solid concept for an overall game, and Evotinction matches that with some solid graphic design chops for what’s ostensibly an indie. The first couple of hours of the game are set in a procession of warehouses and off-white sci-fi corridors, but once you’re finally done with the prologue, it breaks out into more visually interesting parts of the base like its entertainment center.
On the other hand, there’s a lot of general weirdness in Evotinction that I might have to chalk up to translation conventions. It’s oddly paced, with a “prologue” that’s about two hours long; it occasionally turns into a visual novel, where you’re given more background about Thomas Liu through plain text and dialogue choices; and it delivers its exposition like you’ve got its story bible open in your lap. It’s particularly bad about explaining the various too-clever-by-half acronyms that are used around the facility, like THIS, MORE, and HERE. If there was ever a game that needed a codex and tutorial in its inventory menu, it was this one.
The title is meant as a portmanteau of “evolution” and “extinction,” as a significant amount of the game’s running time is devoted to considerations of what it means to be artificially intelligent and its capacity for inflicting human damage. It’s picked a timely window in which to come out, but it also functions as a spoiler by itself. Once you know anything about Evotinction’s basic premise, the game’s entire second act hinges on a plot twist that you’ll see coming from a mile away.
For all that, I wouldn’t go so far as to say Evotinction is a bad game. It’s easy for the first couple of hours, as you’re simply finding your way around a bunch of slow-moving patrol drones, but once the game really hits the road it gets distinctly more challenging.
Soon you have to deal with a half-dozen drones at once in close quarters, security cameras that you can’t take offline without a specialized hack, and automated turrets that can spot you from across the room. Evotinction also primarily runs off Ubisoft-style stealth-game design, where the developers usually don’t provide a single intended route through any given room. Instead they throw a handful of enemies, assets, and obstacles into an area and expect you to figure it out on your own. Sink or swim, nerd.
I’d started playing Evotinction on the assumption that it’d be a lower-key sort of spooky game for the Halloween season. Instead, it’s a relatively hard science fiction story about the dangers of artificial intelligence. It could use another editing pass for its first couple of hours and some more in-game reference material, as right now it’s got some accessibility issues, but this is an overall solid production. It’s janky, but in a way that leaves me nostalgic for similarly weird games from early in the PS2’s lifespan. If you want something thoughtful, difficult, and largely non-violent, it’s worth a look.
[Evotinction, developed by Spikewave Games and published by Perp Games, is now available for PlayStation 5 and Steam for an MSRP of $29.99. This review was written using a PlayStation 5 code sent to Hard Drive by a Perp Games representative.]
PONTOON BEACH, Ill – A local VFW has rejected the application from a prospective member who self describes as a “GamerGate Veteran”.
Jacob Bradford, who goes by the handle “FemiNaziHater1488” on X – The Everything App, shared an image of the rejection letter on the thriving social media platform in a post attacking the organization.
“Trump was right! Under Biden the military and now our veterans have gone woke, unfortunately,” Bradford said in his post. “I told them the battles I fought against the Woke Mob was a threat greater than anything they might have faced in Iraq or Afghanistan, and they told me they only let ‘real veterans’ into their little club. These guys don’t understand, just because their lives were actually in danger and some of them have horrific injuries they will never fully recover from, not to mention the years and years of therapy they need to grapple with their PTSD, doesn’t mean the war I’ve been waging online the last ten years is any less real. Next time they play a video game and the female character’s nipples are fully visible they better send me a card thanking me for my service.”
Tommy Graskins, a retired Army Sgt. who served in the Iraq War and active member of the local VFW, responded to the accusations.
“This dipshit has been harassing us for months,” Graskins said. “It seems like at least once a week he wanders up here to brag about being a veteran of something called ‘GamerGate’, and starts ranting about the games media, censorship, and the woke mob. Earlier this year he tried to get me to sign a petition for something called ‘Free Stellar Blade’. I finally read up on GamerGate, and it just sounds like a bunch of losers who have never been laid before because they’re too busy jerking each other off in online forums to meet someone who might be willing to touch them.”
Bradford’s mother Sheila, with whom he still lives, says this behavior is not out of the ordinary for her son.
“He seems to think women he has never met or interacted with are responsible for all his problems,” Mrs. Bradford said. “I’ve tried to tell him if he wants to meet a nice girl all he has to do is leave the basement once in a while, but he refuses. Instead every night while I’m watching Blue Bloods reruns I have to listen to him yelling into a microphone to his friends about how ‘based’ Elon Musk’s latest posts are. I’m exhausted.”
At press time, Bradford had formed a one man picket line in front the VFW holding a poster with “Vets Are Part of The Woke Mob” scrawled in barely legible handwriting.
SAN DIEGO — Bob Iger, chief executive officer of The Walt Disney Company, spoke about the global media corporation’s future content strategy during a recent shareholder meeting and confirmed that they are done ruining childhoods with live action remakes. The company will now begin ruining people’s adolescence.
“The era of remaking our iconic 1990s movies is over. We are done ruining childhoods, it’s time to move on to ruining the next phase of everyone’s lives, their adolescence. The 2000s was a decade of experimentation and exploration with an abundance of theatrical releases and Disney Channel Original Movies yearning to be trashed. We’re currently filming a live-action remake of Atlantis starring Ashton Kutcher as Milo, and casting has begun for High School Musical 4: Active Shooter Drill.”
The Disney executive also addressed controversies surrounding recent underperforming Disney productions.
“We walk a tightrope when pandering to modern audiences, it’s difficult to create inauthentic minority representation that pisses off progressives but is still colorful enough to get boycotted by conservatives, too. There’s an art to pulling something nobody wants from the ashes of something everyone loved.” he said proudly before revealing plans for a new Pixar film, Finding Nemo in a Transgender Clinic.
Iger addressed questions from shareholders regarding the company’s numerous acquisitions.
“We’ve already wrung every drop of interest out of Star Wars nerds, now we’ll use what we learned to ruin Marvel, Pixar, and apparently we own the Muppets so we’ll ruin them too. Luckily, Fox has already destroyed several of its longstanding properties. There’s nothing we could do to The Simpsons’ reputationwhich The Simpsons hasn’t already done.”
Responding to the collective sigh of relief in the room, he continued.
“However, other Fox series have a lot of work left to undo. We retconned all sixteen seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for a new Disney+ family-friendly sitcom about the married suburbanite life of Charlie and The Waitress, played by Jeremy Renner and Raven-Symoné. We immediately greenlit the series after a test screener called the pilot ‘the most tragic thing he’d seen on television since 9/11’ — precisely the era we’re looking to bring down.”
At press time, Disney posted a teaser to Facebook for Indiana Jones and the First Crusade, an origin story starring deepfakes of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford.