PSA: Remember to Check Your Kids Candy for the Gom Jabbar This Halloween!

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Hey everybody, we just want to take a quick minute for something serious today. Halloween is just around the corner and we just want to ask you to PLEASE check your kids candy bags this year for the Gom Jabbar. With the popularity of Dune being at an all time high this year it’s important that you stay vigilant and protect your kids from poison needles put there by a space witch.

Now the Gom Jabbar may be too small and hard to see so let’s go over a few preventative measures to keep your children safe. If you and your child arrive at a door and after happily shouting “Trick or Treat!” you see a frail old woman in a dramatic veil say “Who are you supposed to be? Perhaps the Kwisatz Haderach? I have a test to see if you may be the one…” LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! This woman is not about to give your child a full size Snickers bar. She is going to make them put their hand in a box of pain and hold a death needle at their neck!

These Bene Gesserits are tenacious and if you’re not careful your little ones could end up as a casualty in their eugenic schemes! They say that fear is the mind killer but nothing kills the fun spooky mood like a trick to the hospital because you weren’t paying attention to the things being put in your child’s candy bag.

Don’t worry too much though, the Gom Jabbar only brings instant death to animals so if your kids are truly human they should be okay. Stay tuned for our next special message cautioning against jury rigging your stillsuit to cycle beer instead of water and the dangers that come with it.

The Jason Voorhees Interview: Fame, Freelancing, and Friday the 13th

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

CRYSTAL LAKE — It turns out the old campsite in the woods, where all those people died, has decent Internet connectivity.

That was the first thing I asked infamous serial killer Jason Voorhees when he logged onto my Discord call, which is a little embarrassing. Voorhees refuses publicity, shuns the spotlight, and routinely sends both reporters and streamers home in multiple wet bags. Instead of addressing any of that, the first thing to fall out of my mouth is a question about his wi-fi connection. Ugh.

If Voorhees minded, though, he didn’t say so. Communicating through a text-to-speech program, he noted that a brief attempt to relaunch Crystal Lake as a kids’ coding camp had provided a much-needed overhaul to local infrastructure. He killed everyone involved, of course, but they’d done good work, and it’s “not that hard” to maintain the server without them.

It’s a humble admission by a guy who’s approaching 80, although he’s been an undead monster for almost half of that. On our call, Voorhees wears his trademark hockey mask – “never take it off,” his computer voice says – and a fuzzy blue cardigan.

It’s been over 20 years since his last high-profile massacre, and while he still kills the occasional hunter or urban explorer (“just to keep my hand in”), Voorhees is essentially retired. At a point where every other famous ‘80s monster is having a creative resurgence, rights issues and creative infighting have kept America’s favorite murderer on the sidelines. For a guy who’s famous for never talking, it turns out Jason’s got a lot to say about that.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

Hard Drive: Are you enjoying your retirement?

Jason Voorhees: Well, it’s not by choice. I’d still be out there if it wasn’t for these rights issues. Nobody can figure out who owns what, and in the meantime, I’m here cooling my heels.

HD: So it’s an issue for you.

JV: Look, I’m an old-fashioned guy. I grew up believing in hard work and family values. I want to get up in the morning, polish the mask, sharpen my knives, and put another dozen people in shallow graves. That’s just how I was raised.

But now I’ve got time on my hands. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice. Gives me time to tidy the place up, keep Mom’s shrine clean, build a couple of birdhouses. Even so, I wouldn’t have as high a body count as I do if I didn’t love the work.

HD: You do seem to be a quantity over quality guy.

JV: Quantity has a quality all its own.

HD: A Stalin quote from Jason Voorhees?

JV: I like history podcasts. A lot of people die in history. It’s relevant to my field.

HD: Everyone has layers, I suppose. Have you thought about any of these revival projects?

JV: [chuckles] You know, the Entity from Dead by Daylight calls every couple of weeks. “Everyone else is here,” he says, and they pretty much are: Freddy, Mikey, Chucky, Bubba, one of those Ghostface kids, and for some reason, Elliot.

HD: Elliot?

JV: Pinhead. He doesn’t care for that nickname, though. Call him Elliot. Not that it’ll matter if you meet him, but it’s the principle of the thing.

But yeah. The Entity wants to complete the set, I suppose. If I was a free agent, I’d consider it, but frankly I don’t like the fine print on the deal. When I kill someone, I prefer that they stay dead, instead of waking up at a campfire a few hours later to do it all over again.

HD: I see your point. So what do you do to keep the lights on?

JV: I don’t need much. I’m fueled by some unspecified dark power, you know. If I need cash for something, I can usually get a decent fee off these little fan productions. It’s frustrating, but I get by.

HD: Frustrating?

JV: Oh, I don’t tell them I’m the actual guy. I just look at them and never communicate, so they assume I’m method acting. Then I collect a hundred bucks and go on with my day. If I kill anybody, it’s a caterer or something. Nobody on the actual production.

HD: I’m surprised you’re willing to do that.

JV: I don’t kill everyone I meet. Sometimes it’d be counterproductive, or I just don’t have the time. Sure, I left fewer survivors when I was a kid, but maybe that’s part of getting older. You realize there’s value in restraint.

HD: I’m learning a lot today.

JV: Happy to help.

HD: What happens if they manage to sort this out? Are you actually interested in going back on the job, so to speak?

JV: Look, I kill. It’s what I do. If they manage to put this together in a way that respects me, my history, and my mom, then of course I’ll come back. As long as there are so many god damn people around, I will be here to snap them in half. I can promise you that.

 

Universal Classic Monsters Ranked by How Long They’d Last Against Luigi

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Gabaghoul, it’s Luigi! Of the two Mario Brothers, the taller, better looking and unfortunately endowed Luigi has always been better than the spotlight hogging cuck known as Mario. While Mario gets all the glory for his various adventures chasing down Bowser to rescue the princess completely oblivious to the fact that Bowser and Peach are clearly in a secret friends with benefits relationship, it’s Luigi who is doing actual hero work. He fights dimension hopping ghosts and he does it despite the fact that he’s afraid of ghosts because that’s what heroes do.

So good is Luigi at dealing with the supernatural, it’s not hard to figure that he’d be able to handle other monsters before they ever get a chance to mash. While there’s tons of spooks and specters to pit Luigi against, he’d make quick work of all but the most powerful so in the Halloween spirit let’s pit Luigi against the most powerful of them all. The Universal Classic Monsters. So powerful are these creatures that they managed to avoid having a terrible cinematic universe in a time where every IP is forced to have one. Luigi would still be able to defeat all of them but some would put up a longer fight than others.

7. The Invisible Man

The thing about the Invisible Man is that he’s just that, an Invisible Man. Sometimes he’s not even invisible, sometimes he’s just a man with a face wrap. Luigi is scared of a lot of things but a mere man is not one of them. If we were talking about Peach or Daisy or literally any female character then sure, they’d have a reason to be a little fearful of a man, especially one who is invisible but fortunately Luigi is also a man and ladies he’s one of the good ones so he’s gonna solve this problem without breaking a sweat. A little blast of the UV light on the Poltergust and the Invisible Man becomes man and then Luigi beats him to death because a man cannot be sucked into a vacuum. At least not all of him.

6. The Mummy

The Mummy, or Imhotep as his most ardent followers call him as he promises to make Egypt great again, would give Luigi some trouble on a count of his magical powers but not much. Luigi has fought mummies before, not just regular mummies but mummies that turn into ghosts afterwards. Also for most The Mummy, Imhotep is just a guy, and as we’ve established Luigi is not afraid of just some guy. Luigi is an Italian from Brooklyn, there is nothing any Mummy other than his own can do to hurt him. Even Imhotep’s magic powers wouldn’t impede the big L much because Luigi has fought dimensional threats the likes of which no one has seen since Goozer covered New York in Stay Puft splooge. Luigi takes the W and Brendan Fraser plays him in the superior remake.

5. The Wolf Man

The Wolf Man wouldn’t really put up much of a fight against Luigi, after all both Mario Brothers came up in the 80s so you know there’s at least 3 silver fillings in each of their mouths. But Wolfy would last longer than the previous two on account of Luigi feeling a little bad for him. All the Wolf Man wanted to do was score with a girl he liked but he was struck with nothing but bad luck. Luigi knows all about that, except for him instead of the bad luck being transforming into a werewolf it’s being constantly overshadowed by his less impressive brother which is honestly worse.

4. Creature from the Black Lagoon

The creature would put up a bigger fight than the previous monsters on account of being an inhuman monster but it still would lose very quickly. You see, Luigi is Italian and the creature is a big fish man. They’d be serving Creature from the Black Lagoon Linguine at the Mario family dinner table within an hour.

3. Dracula

Dracula would be able to put up a fight against Luigi only through his scheming in the shadows. He’ll plot against everyone’s favorite Italian plumber/ghost hunter from behind closed doors, hypnotizing his allies, bringing in previous enemies he’s fought and maybe even turning a third rate supporting character into a vampire. That’ll no doubt keep Luigi occupied for a bit but once the plumbing paisano rips and tears through whatever Dracula throws at him and it’s just them in a room mano a mano, Luigi would make quick work of the Count. You may be surprised to hear this but let me explain, you see this is specifically about the Universal Classic version of Dracula. If this was Christopher Lee Dracula or Nosferatu or even the super horny Gary Oldman version then there’s a case to be made that Dracula would be Luigi’s toughest challenge but we’re talking Bela Lugosi Dracula. Crucially Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, in canon was bested by Abbot and Costello and Luigi is essentially if Bud and Lou were merged into one sexy italian man.

2. Frankenstein’s Monster

Finally a real challenge for Luigi. Frankenstein’s monster, or Frankenstein as he’s known to morons is gonna put up a real fight. This undead creature is essentially a superhuman zombie, he survived being trapped in a burning windmill and he survived loneliness which is more than what most modern men can claim. Luigi will no doubt be scared of his imposing statue and the 6 pack abs that Boris Karloff was hiding under that costume but he’ll preserve because that’s what Luigi does. The monster would prove to be immune to most of Luigi’s gadgets, a flashlight isn’t gonna faze him, a UV light is just gonna reveal what we already know about dead bodies and there’s no way he’s gonna get sucked into a vacuum. Just when hope is lost and it appears as though Luigi is about to end up defeated by the supernatural like his loser brother, out will pop Gooigi to save the day. Finally the lonely monster of Dr. Frankenstein will have a companion of his own and unlike his supposed Bride, Gooigi won’t reject him because he’s got the good heart of Luigi and also has no eyes.

1. Bride of Frankenstein

You may be wondering, why is Bride of Frankenstein at number 1 if Frankenstein’s monster is at number 2? Don’t they have the same abilities, what makes her able to last longer against the Gabagool Guzzler himself I hear you say. And to that I say, excellent questions however the main thing you aren’t realizing is that the L in Luigi stands for Ladies Man and the Bride of Frankenstein is hot. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that she was the number one hottest undead woman all the way up until Tim Burton blessed us with the Corpse Bride. Luigi would be all over her and she would be all over him because he’s green like Frankenstein but unlike Frankenstein he’s good looking and oozing rizz. The Bride would last the longest against Luigi because he wouldn’t defeat her, he can fix her.

Overwatch Halloween Costume Recognized, Ignored

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

SAN DIEGO — At his office’s Halloween party, Travis Pameno was quick to recognize a coworker in a meticulously crafted Overwatch costume, and just as quick to ignore it.

“Of course I knew that Valerie was dressed up as D.Va. I used to play Overwatch back when it was still good. But that was like, eight years ago,” said Pameno. “I don’t want my manager to know about my past mistakes, so I just put my head down as Valerie walked in wearing that expensive looking custom mech. Besides, this isn’t some cosplay con, it’s a Halloween party for a freaking accounting firm. Everyone else is just wearing animal ears or a silly hat.”

Valerie Plauts, who made sure to clarify that she’s dressed up specifically as the LE SSERAFIM D.Va skin, admits she was disappointed by the snub.

“Travis literally told me he used to play Overwatch when he saw my Sombra enamel pin last week. He even said he was a Winston main. I thought that meant he had some integrity!” said Plauts, who had just finished explaining to a 64-year-old finance director that her costume is not from Dragon Ball Z. “But no, the moment I walked in, it was like he got hit by one of Ana’s sleep darts. Maybe if I walk up and scream “NERF THIS!” directly into his ear he’ll at least say hello.”

Valierie’s boss admits she has no idea who D.Va is, but commended the costume nonetheless.

“That purple-pink robot getup looks like it took weeks to make, so I made sure to let Val know that her efforts were admirable,” said Mary-Anne Lopez, wearing a dollar store witch hat. “I think it’s some obscure Mario thing. Even Travis didn’t seem to recognize it, and he’s the only other person here besides Val who’s under 45.”

At press time, Valerie was seen emoting with joy after the office’s seldom-seen IT guy arrived in a suped up Wrecking Ball costume.

Ranking Every House at Halloween Horror Nights 33 in Orlando by How Likely You Are to Punch a Scare Actor

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Boo! Hey calm down, it’s just me! Are you the type to scare easily? Did you just freak out and drop your phone and scream after reading that? Are you the one in the friend group reluctantly participating in scary activities this spooky season to avoid fomo? Well then this list is for you! Assuming you live in the greater central Florida area or are just one of those theme park people who fly to Orlando multiple times a year.

Halloween Horror Nights is often referred to as the biggest Halloween event in the world. Or at least the Orlando one is, I’m not sure what sort of half assed production they’re putting on in Hollywood but it ain’t it. So if you have the pleasure or displeasure of attending the event this year and also happen to be a little jumpy, here’s a comprehensive ranking of every house by how likely you are to punch a poor scare actor in the face.

10: Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

This house is simply not scary. It’s cute, it’s fun, it’s surprisingly not even that cold! You’ll be fine in this one no matter how much of a little baby you are. Though Slimer can be fairly unsettling. I have it on good authority that he was actually supposed to be the Icon of this year’s event but Universal Creative was worried he would gobble up all the guests’ potatoes on sticks and massive turkey legs.

9: The Museum: Deadly Exhibits

It’s not so bad I promise! It’s just a pleasant walk through a nice museum that is sort of falling apart and has a bunch of scary ghoulies inside with weapons and bad attitudes. This is all due to what’s called ‘The Rotting Stone’ which as you can imagine has made for a fairly uncomfortable visit to the museum. My only concern for you and your fearful fists is how little room this house has at times. You may feel a little cramped and be tempted to throw a punch but you should be okay as long as you follow the first rule of museums, don’t touch!

8: Slaughter Sinema 2

So my only hope here is that the whimsical nature of the scare actors’ costumes may charm you enough not to deck them right in the face. Yes there’s a big guy reaching out at you with an ax, but he looks like Santa! Fun! Santa! Now as for the shark you may give in to your panicky instincts but that’s not a person so it doesn’t count.

7. A Quiet Place

Remember how I said the shark from Slaughter Sinema 2 didn’t count cuz it wasn’t a person? I’m gonna lean on that here too. Yeah the monsters in here are scary but they’re animatronic and don’t have feelings or medical expenses. This one does rank a little higher on the list though just because it’s so dark in this one you might get scared and just start swinging and hit some poor sleep deprived UCF Theatre Major on her 3rd night in a row playing look-alike Emily Blunt.

6: Universal Bloodlines: Eternal Bloodlines

This house would have scored a bit higher on the list if all the characters weren’t absolute baddies. Sure they might pop out and spook ya but they’re gonna look damn good doing it! That being said, a she-wolf coming at you can be quite scary especially without Saskia Van Helsing there to save you.

5. Goblin Feast

Those suckers are creepy and they’re trying to eat you. They’re about to catch these hands in a major way!

4: Monstrous: The Monsters of Latin America

Aye yi yi! You’re really going to need to keep it together. This is the first house I’m legitimately worried about you causing some serious damage. Also I don’t know if knocking out La Lechuza counts as a hate crime, but I certainly don’t want to find out.

3: Triplets of Terror

This house really leans on the jump scares which means you’re likely to lean your fist right into their seemingly dangerous though ultimately harmless faces. These jerks are gonna come right at ya and really rattle you. Honestly we’re at the point where I’m begging you not to do these houses just for the safety of everyone involved.

2: Insidious: The Further

Please just don’t do it. You can’t handle it. All your friends will be laughing about how scary and how much fun this house is, and you’ll just be crying about how you have teeth stuck in your fist from the poor Lip Stick Face Demon actor you punched twice in a row. They’re just doing their jobs, they don’t deserve this!

1: Major Sweets Candy Factory

Is this house the scariest? Not even close. Why is it number one you ask? Because Major Sweets has a big ol bulbous nose and I know you’re gonna try and take a shot at it. He’s gonna pop out and immediately be on the floor after you nail that thing.

I’m pretty sure there’s 3 different Major Sweets actors in that joint at once and if that wasn’t enough you’ve got adults pretending to be small children, I know, highly punchable! So do everyone a favor and steer away from this one. Honestly just do your friends a favor, skip the houses and just hang out in the Dead Coconut Club where worst case scenario you smack down an old Orlando towny who started it anyways!

Democrats Paid Me Millions to Build a Weather Controlling Machine but It Keeps Only Making It Rain Meatballs (Guest Column by Flint Lockwood)

Posted on by RJ Dralle

All the conspiracy theories surrounding the government controlling the weather with machines are true. I should know, I’m the guy who invented and sold the weather controlling machine to the Democrats for millions of dollars. But unfortunately, for both the Democrats and myself, my weather controlling machine went bananas. If those bananas tasted like meatballs. 

It started a few years ago with a knock on my door. A couple of government agents came into my Swallow Falls home, sat me down, and pulled out a secured phone. On the other line was President Joe Biden. He told me he was a fan of some of my inventions like the spray-on shoes and Hair Un-balder. He was buttering me up. What he was really interested in was my weather controlling machine. He said that he wanted to, and I quote, “take out the competition”. Little did he and I know, the only competition my weather controlling machine was going to take out were Italian restaurants. 

The first target my machine was going to hit was Florida. It’s a red state that has caused many headaches for the Democratic party. On the President’s orders, I fired up the weather machine and put the setting on “HURRICANE”. But that’s not what it sent. Instead, it rained meatballs. Hundreds of thousands of meatballs fell to the Florida ground. Which only caused a saucey mess but no damages were done. It was the complete opposite of what Democrats wanted. In fact, it only made things worse for them, because one of those meatballs became governor.

That mistake made the Democrats furious with me. And now, I’m in a pickle. They’re after me. They want me and my weather controlling machine destroyed before I spill the beans – literally. They’re afraid that if we aren’t stopped, I could send a catastrophic bean tsunami to a blue state like California. If you don’t hear from me again, it means they chopped me. But you can still fight back. You have to! If you don’t, you can just stick a fork in this country, because it’s done. 

You’ve been warned

10 Spooky Video Game Houses Ranked by if It’s Worth It for That King Size Candy Bar

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Halloween has been studied by the youth for generations. Kids devote hours every year to optimizing routes, profiling houses, and developing a consistent trick to treat ratio. But, that’s not to say they’ve perfected it. You can’t predict all of the spooks and scares from things that go bump in the night. Some houses are worth the time, some houses give out apples, and some houses are home to the living manifestations of buried emotional trauma hell-bent on murdering you. These are video game houses ranked by if it’s worth the risk for a king size candy bar. 

Woodland Mansion (Minecraft)

Let’s skip this one. I forgot my diamond armor, and the phantoms are coming out, and some guy who lives there is called “The Vindicator” and I don’t really wanna find out why they call him that. There’s a nice plains biome over there, let’s go there. 

House Beneviento (Resident Evil: Village)

Are you crazy?! Local legend says there’s a giant fetus monster in the basement that cries like a baby as it swallows you whole! I’d say a good rule of thumb is, always skip the house of a marionette doll collector, on Halloween and generally in life. Nothing ever good comes out of them. 

House of Skulltula (Ocarina of Time)

This place is not worth the yapping they do. I’m not gonna go on a side quest across Hyrule to cure you and your greedy son’s bug disease, I’ve got candy to collect! Go get some other loser kid to do your dirty work for you, spider-man. 

Spencer Mansion (Resident Evil)

Do you think anybody’s home? I can hear the dogs barking, they sound like they’re ready to jump through the windows. I don’t know about this one dude, this place gives me the, “has a genetically modified shark tank in the basement” kinda vibe. Maybe we should just trick or treat in Raccoon City, nothing scary ever happens there.

Fatal Frame (Himuro Mansion)

Bad news, this place is home to a cursed family who makes a human sacrifice every decade to appease the devil and prevent the gates of hell from opening. And worse news, they don’t really do trick-or-treating in Japan. 

Curien Mansion (The House of the Dead)

What do you mean this looks like the Resident Evil mansion? This is a completely different zombie/horror shooter about a scientist gone mad with the idea of reanimating the dead working in secret for a large corporation out of their mansion’s laboratory set in 1998. It’s way different. 

Woodside Apartments (Silent Hill 2)

I know an apartment building isn’t ideal, but you would not believe how foggy it is outside. And look at these shiney new renovations! This place hasn’t had its graphics redone in years, you can really feel the impending doom behind every door. And be sure to steer clear of the pyramid head guy, he’s gonna want to sell you on a timeshare in the Catskills. 

10 Ridgeview Court (Phasmophobia)

Looks like a normal house to me, I’m sure that the van outside with all the tech is some kind of elaborate decoration display, nothing to worry about! 

Luigi’s Mansion

Yes, absolutely! What’s the harm in visiting this abandoned mansion that has since been taken residence by an illustrious ghost scientist… or, was he a vacuum scientist? Either way, it’s rated E for Everybody, it can’t be that scary. 

Carson House (Fears to Fathom)

Jackpot! The guy who lives here is a newly single COO of the local media company, he’s loaded! Mid-life crisis and king size candy bars go hand in hand. Sounds like the divorce was a little rocky though, let’s not stick around too long, he might ask us to house sit for him. 

New Hero Shooter Roster Looks Gay Enough to Last

Posted on by Jake Mooney

SAN DIEGO — A promising new hero shooter, “Slayers,” is looking as though it will outlive predecessors in its genre thanks to the ostentatious queerness of its roster, insider sources confirmed.

“We studied what made hero shooters like ‘Overwatch’ so successful and shooters like ‘Battleborn’ and ‘Concord’ such major flops,” “Slayers” lead developer Alexa Prone outlined. “We ultimately found out that the perceived gayness of the games’ rosters played the biggest role in whether or not they would survive past launch. At best, ‘Battleborn’ had straight women with hairstyles that gay men could live vicariously through, and look how that game turned out. ‘Overwatch,’ on the other hand, recently added a nonbinary character and still has hundreds of thousands of active players.”

The “Slayers” development team have reported the bulk of their time and resources have been spent curating the game to an LGBTQ+ audience, with hero balancing and map design taking a backseat.

“We really wanted to do away with the traditional roles of ‘Damage’, ‘Tank’, ‘Support’, and implement roles that better reflect our roster of characters as well as the audiences who play as them,” gameplay designer Francesca Gould stated in a gameplay trailer. “Our four main roles: twink, bear, butch, and femme, all offer unique stats that allow for some really efficient team composition. Twinks and femmes are best suited for diving, whereas bears are ideal on the front lines, and butch heroes are flexible. We’re excited to see what creative combos you come up with!”

Despite this enthusiasm from the developers, players have reported balancing issues plaguing the game and ruining the overall experience.

“There is absolutely zero balancing, not to mention there’s only one map: Bushwick,” frustrated gamer Devin Fractal ranted while livestreaming. “I still cannot tell the difference between the twink and femme heroes, the bears are just damage-sponges, and I can’t stop jerking off to the fanart of the butch heroes! I really can’t see a competitive scene coming out of this, it’s way too broken in this state. I’m just gonna play ‘Overwatch,’ it’s much more balanced and the porn scene is amazing.”

At press time, “Slayers” announced that its release would be postponed indefinitely among queerbaiting allegations.

Opinion: This Controller Is Broken UPDATE: Yeah, This One Is Broken, Too

Posted on by Brendan Hanney

Look, I hate to be that guy, but I definitely got a broken controller. I totally understand, I have some broken controllers myself. I’m like, the best player out of all of my friends. I even almost won a local tournament once. I just don’t think it’s really fair that I’m the one who gets the broken controller. Not that it’s hurting me that bad. I mean, I almost won even with the huge nerf to my power level. I know you’re all probably afraid, but I think I should get a working controller.

Oh yeah this one is definitely broken too. I totally didn’t push that. They really just don’t make them like they used to, do they? These lazy companies and their cheap hardware, am I right? I think there’s just a lot of stick drift. The trigger feels a little worn out too, not a whole lot of resistance there. If you have another controller I think I’d do much better. 

Brand new? Wow, so that’s it huh? They’re selling defective controllers to people straight out of the box. You know it is unbelievable what they can get away with these days! I think you should buy third-party next time. I’m just so used to a custom controller, it’s hard to go back to a regular one. No worries though, not everyone takes the game as seriously as me. 

Alright, something is really wrong here. I simply do not lose this badly. Everyone has off days, but even on my off days, it is nothing like this. There has to be external forces working against me. Something fishy is going on, and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. What kind of TV do you have? The refresh rate might be too low, I think I’m playing too fast and it’s laggy. This never happens to me any other time. I would usually be destroying you guys.

Did the game get patched? My character probably got nerfed and that’s why. Actually, and I don’t say this lightly, I think you might be cheating.

How to Beat a Horror Game While Covering Your Eyes

Posted on by Tyler Pehringer

Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good horror game. From “Five Nights at Freddy’s” to “Silent Hill,” there are so many great ways to get your fill of fear. Unfortunately, some people wish that they could play through these games, but are just too afraid of the imagery and spooks that come with them. What they don’t realize is that there is a way to play these horror gems without having to witness the horrifying imagery. All you have to do is just cover your eyes while you play. 

If that sounds impossible, we are here to tell you that it is way easier than you might think. First of all, we are not merely talking about blindfolding yourself while you play. What we mean, is you play the game normally. All you have to do is just hide behind your hands or controller while completing these spooky tales. With only three steps, you can complete a horror game like anyone else, but within your level of comfort.

Step 1: Positioning

One of the most important things to note is that you must find the right position to beat these scary games. There are many different positions to choose from, but here are just a couple of popular ones to try. The Upright Fetal Position is always a classic. Merely bring both knees up to your chest while sitting in a chair. Be sure to use your arms to hug your knees into position. Next, whether it be a mouse and keyboard or just a controller, bring them close to your face while still lying on your desk. They will act as a visual shield for you. Another position is what I like to call “The Human Turtle.” This one only requires a single, but critical, item of clothing. Make sure to have an adjustable hoodie. And there you go! Just simply adjust it to have enough visibility to kinda see the game, but not enough to fully make everything out.

Step 2: Audio Cues

A horror game isn’t complete without immersive audio. And with that, comes ways for you to avoid any frights. All you have to do is wait for the game to get really quiet. Once this happens, be sure to assume whatever position suited you best from step 1. (Note: At the time of writing this tutorial, some sadistic game devs decided to subvert our expectations and just scare people regardless of audio queues. While this doesn’t make step 2 all that effective, we still recommend it).

Step 3: The Quick Peek

This step is pretty straightforward. After a while, you will need to look over your shield and see where you are going. However, this doesn’t mean you must continuously watch the screen. Simply look at the screen once you’ve felt like you aren’t making progress. If you are running at a wall or constantly being hit by an enemy, just look at the screen to adjust for about 2 seconds. What game developers don’t tell you, is that this is actually the best way to play their game. But you now may be asking, “How does this work for minor interactive games like FNAF?” This method actually works even better with those games. Since the only option is to do a simple task or die, you just need to keep dying until you beat it. Occasionally peeking to make sure you are hitting the right buttons. As the rule of probability goes, eventually you will beat it.

And like that you’ve beaten the game! Sure you may have missed some incredible animation or became connected with the characters you were playing; but who cares! You got through it champ, with what we like to call “Brave Cowardice.” Besides, if the devs really wanted you to appreciate the game, they wouldn’t have made it so spooky. All that matters is you got your money’s worth by simply bragging that you’ve beaten the game. In the end, that’s all that really matters.