WASHINGTON – Calling the charges against him “a gross miscarriage of justice” and “in contravention with established international law,” United States Congressman George Santos (R-NY) invoked diplomatic immunity as a head of state, pointing to his long-held role as King of the Koopas.
“My people sent me to this country as an ambassador for peace,” Rep. Santos said. “Our struggle against the Italians and their fungal allies is well-known to the world, but we, the Koopas, only want to live in harmony with our neighbors.”
“That the corrupt Biden administration would carry out the orders of its shadowy backers in Big Plumbing and levy these spurious charges against me, His Excellency George Bowser Santos, First of His Name and King of All Koopas, is outrageous,” he added. “I call on the International Court of Justice to charge Joe Biden with war crimes.”
Analysts say that King George’s claims, if true, would have merit, recalling a similar incident some years ago when Ganondorf was briefly the Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey. So far, the State Department has refused to issue a statement on the matter.
Charges against the king also come with significant political implications given the Republicans’ very slim majority in the House of Representatives as well as the sizable and growing Koopa population in a number of swing states.
“Electorally, this is a timebomb,” opined well-known pundit Nate Silver. “Whether or not George Santos really is Bowser is almost irrelevant—the voters aren’t sure either, and that’s bad news for Joe Biden.”
Reached for comment just ahead of press time, brothers Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, considered the Garibaldis of the Mushroom Kingdom and long the bane of Koopas worldwide, offered only, “We never seen-a this guy before.”
DALLAS, TX — Now depleted entirely of opinions he can just throw into the void and make money off of, a local YouTuber has decided to start making up new ones, including that the widely enjoyed Studio Ghibli movies are bad.
“Spirited Away is gorgeous, and it’s nothing more than that. The twist with Haku being not only the dragon but also the lake at the same time? It’s confusing at best and pretentious and contrived at worst,” said YouTuber LazloShrike421 in a recent video essay. “And I get that Miyazaki’s all about the environment and being anti-war and stuff but… A pig flying a plane? You don’t think that’s a bit much? That would definitely be bad for the environment.”
On a podcast interview with The Gaming Think Tank however, Lazlo would have a somewhat different tone.
“Oh, Spirited Away’s one of the best movies I’ve ever seen,” he said vigorously nodding his head. “It’s just that I’ve been doing YouTube for two years now and to be honest… I’ve run out of opinions on media to monetize. Like, what am I gonna do? Get creative? Do something even remotely new? No, I’m just gonna start saying whatever for content.”
When the viewer questions segment came up, a rather awkward one sent before Lazlo made his admission was read out.
“Gotta say I was so relieved to see someone finally have the correct take on Porco Rosso,” read the comment from NunuUnchained. “Pigs flying planes would be bad for the environment. And what the hell kinda precedent is Miyazaki even trying to set? Is he saying pigs should be getting pilots licenses instead of rolling around in the mud and being delicious? What’d happen to the meat industry? I worry about the future of our society with the cultural impact some of these films have, but I’m glad media literacy isn’t dead just yet with guys like us around.”
To conclude the podcast, Lazlo excitedly announced that he’ll be keeping a vigilant eye on The Boy and The Heron’s metacritic score, so that he can publish an hour-long video essay on the rise and fall of Studio Ghibli should the movie be rated 5% or more below the studio’s average.
For over a decade G Fuel has been the number one hydration choice for gamers everywhere – when they remember to hydrate. Packed with enough energy and antioxidants to counteract the effects of sitting for long periods of time (the leading cause of gamer death), it’s no wonder G Fuel is the official energy drink of Esports. But for hardcore gamers who crush multiple cans a day, it can get expensive. That’s why here at the Hard Drive lab we’ve been working tirelessly to reverse engineer G Fuel into a clone recipe even the most basic kitchen noob can follow.
Step 1: Choose Your Flavor
Start with any base drink you like. A fruit juice, coffee, even a different energy drink. Don’t worry about if your choice has the right chemical consistency to blend with the rest of the formula, we’ll deal with that later.
Step 2: Gather Your Tools
You’ll need a large pot, some coffee filters, and of course, a PS Move wand for mixing
Step 3: Make Your Starter Base
Pour your starter drink and some Mountain Dew into the pot and simmer over low heat, stirring constantly.
Step 4: Make It Healthy!
G Fuel stands apart from other gamer supplements because it contains vitamins and antioxidants to keep your focus sharp while providing a burst of energy. Blend up all the vegetables you lied to yourself about on your last trip to the grocery store six weeks ago and add them to the starter base. Not only do these plants still contain some vitamins, but the natural penicillin growing in their moldy parts will help fight “athlete’s” foot.
Step 5: Reduce The Acidity
To reduce the acidity of your mixture you must add something basic. Drop in three rounds of Smash Bros and stir until dissolved.
Step 6: Capture The Streamer Ghost
Once the smell of thick, boiling Mountain Dew has attracted the streamer ghost, use the coffee filter to capture it.
Step 7: Feed The Streamer Ghost
The ghost will be insatiable. Feed it the contents of the pot while stroking its head and giving it the love it didn’t get while it was alive. Continue to feed it until it begins to distortion scream into its purgatorial voice chat, signifying that it is full.
Step 8: Infuse With Energy
This is the step that will put the energy into your energy drink. The average streamer dies with extremely high blood levels of caffeine and taurine, so much that the compounds become fused with their spiritual essence and carry over with them into the realm of the dead. This essentially turns the streamer ghost into a never-ending source of energy. Like a tea bag that never gets weak. Just be sure your streamer ghost was not a Katamari Damacy player, or the THC will cancel it out.
Step 9: Collect the Streamer Ghost’s Phantom Piss
After an hour, your infused mixture is ready to extract. But ghosts don’t urinate like the rest of us so you’ll need to wring it out over your pot like a cartoon. Be careful, as the liquid will now be hotter than it was on the stove. Once the phantom piss is collected you can release the ghost. It will try to hang around and get more of the Dew, so at this point turn off your wifi to make it go away.
Step 10: Bottle Your Beverage
Place a funnel into an empty barbeque sauce bottle you left behind your monitor two months ago and carefully pour in the hot liquid. Spill two thirds of it and ruin your favorite Genshin shirt.
Step 11: Rage Quit
Throw the remaining mixture and all of your tools at the wall then blame the streamer ghost for your screw up and doxx them.
Step 12: Finish Up
Give this recipe to your older cousin so they can complete it for you. Now sit back and enjoy your homemade G Fuel!
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Panic has overtaken the White House after a meeting between President Biden and YouTube streamer IShowSpeed led to the reveal of the nuclear football to 100,000 live viewers, and tens of millions more after screenshots circulated online.
“From our knowledge, it was supposed to be a meeting to rally young voters,” said an anonymous Secret Service member. “I’m not sure exactly how Mr. IShowSpeed accessed the codes, I’ve guarded every President since Bush and I’ve only ever been able to make out a few letters of it.”
Of the many members of Speed’s chat that we pestered for a comment, only the user name ‘kaedisbae” was willing to share their experience of what it was like watching live.
“Dude, I don’t think anyone knew what it was for a few seconds, and when we realized it, chat just absolutely blew up, pun intended,” said the chat regular. “One guy donated a hundred bucks and told him to plug in the coordinates to his house. If only some Secret Service guy didn’t stop him – a hundred thousand people would’ve died, but it would’ve been the omega-est of omegaluls.”
Ninja, one of the most popular streamers in the world, feels the whole situation is deja vu.
“First it’s his privates, then it’s my Discord server, and now it’s the nuclear codes? Everyone’s been calling him IShowNukes now,” said Ninja, who has over 18 million Twitch followers. “It feels really underhanded, I was streaming a game of Fortnite with the remaining Beatles when it happened, and the viewership just plummeted.”
“I think it was a publicity stunt, but when I did that stupid dance at New Year’s, that didn’t start World War III.” When asked if this was Speed’s biggest mistake, Ninja replied, “Gotta be the Discord server. I’d rather have the entire world end in a horrific, fiery death than anger Drake.”
According to various sources, the incident has made Speed an even bigger name than before. One insider tells us that he’s currently entertaining offers in the millions from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and the People’s Republic of China to exclusively stream on their platforms.
REDMOND, Wash. — Following Microsoft’s recent success in closing the deal to purchase Activision Blizzard, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer made a speech concerning Microsoft’s commitment to fans of Activision Blizzard games who don’t play on Xbox.
“We here at Microsoft Gaming believe that these gamers are a part of the Microsoft family. We would never do anything to cut them off from the franchises that they have come to love,” he said, his voice bellowing from atop a corporate balcony as console war troops looked on. “We would like to make a promise to everyone who has come to love Activision Blizzard that these games will continue to be available to everyone, regardless of console, until our private army is fully mobilized.”
According to internal documents this will be the first time that Microsoft has mobilized its private army in over 6 months.
“The Xbox Battalion couldn’t be more excited to take the battle to Sony and Nintendo,” said Lieutenant Colonel Robert Kotick. “I was honestly surprised that Big S – that’s what I call Phil – wanted us to wait this long to mobilize. But that’s Phil, he’s always been a good guy. Paid us well, helped us establish proper supply lines into enemy territory, ensured we never stood trial for our crimes, that sort of thing. I am confident that when the dust settles on this conflict, Phil will do the right thing and pardon any remaining console traitors who might have a copy of Diablo 2 remaining on a hidden Switch Lite or something like that.”
A member of the Redmond, Washington Community spoke about their experiences during the mobilization.
“Honestly it’s just nice to see a good old fashioned American private military. Ever since I was hit with a stray bullet during the Sony extraction of Bungie I have longed to see an American corporation lead a console crusade across this great nation. I believe that having our city feeding, clothing, and homing these soldiers will be an overall net-positive for us and for the gaming community as a whole. I love my new job at the improvised ammunition assembly line, and I am looking forward to spending my weekly payment of Overwatch Coins and Platinum.”
At press time one of our anonymous community sources was detained outside Xbox Games Studios on suspicion of being a “Sony crony.”
This week in gaming news, Stardew Valley creator, Concerned Ape, took to Twitter in order to explain a common misconception fans seem to have concerning their ultra-popular indie Farming-Sim.
“What fans don’t seem to realize is that many of these characters are actually just one iteration in a line. It’s like Pokémon where, as the creature gains experience, it levels up and eventually evolves,” a representative from the company said. “For example, Penny is clearly the base form of Leah who evolves into Robin.
“And obviously for this reason Leah could absolutely destroy Robin in combat, if it ever came to it.”
The news was a shock to many long time fans of the game who already believed that Jodi was, in fact, the evolved form of Leah.
“I don’t think it counts as an evolution if you get rid of the Ponytail,” one fan replied, “Leah seems a lot more like an evolution of the Leah design. It’s like if you said Harvey evolved into Lewis who evolved into Linus. The hat needs to stay!”
It’s certainly puzzling news, and many fans have been left asking clarifying questions like “does giving them gifts help the evolution process?”, but nevertheless, we look forward to more lore, and possible evolutions being revealed in the much anticipated Update 1.6
At press time, many in the community had their fingers crossed for the “Ponytail Patch.”
It might not be polite to admit it, but some friends are just better than others. We all know it. You might cancel plans just to hang out with Nate, while you’ll lie about a dentist appointment just to end a conversation with Max. You would still describe them both as your friend if anyone asked you, right? I took the time to evaluate and compare my closest friendships, once and for all.
30 — Keith
Hoo boy. Uh, Keith. I mean, what is there to say? He bribed the DJ at my wedding to play “Cotton Eye Joe,” even though it was on the no-play list. Also, his dad was one of the coaches on my Little League team and put Keith at third base even though I was way better. Plus, he’s been a little bit sensitive lately, which is definitely a turn-off.
29 — The Mailman
I’ve smiled and nodded at him a few times as I entered my building while he was delivering mail. I may have even said, “Hi,” once. Still beats spending time with Keith.
28 — Joe
He talks about how much he loves Brazilian Jiu Jitsu all the time. “Oh, it’s great. You’d love it, Kyle. You should train BJJ.” Then when I ask him what gym he goes to, he tells me I won’t fit in, but he could recommend other places. Am I not good enough for you, Joe? That’s bullshit, man.
27 — Emily
Emily was my friend, then her and my wife hit it off. Now she’s my wife’s friend? How does that work? Why couldn’t she steal Keith instead?
26 — Andy
Okay, I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking: Andy fell off. Sure, he’s leading a fulfilling life as a wonderful husband and father. All of those things are true. But he and I never sit around in a dorm room and make poop jokes anymore. We just send poop jokes to a group text once or twice a year. And this guy is supposed to be one of my closest friends?
25 — Pat L.
Pat was having a good year and really climbing up the friend rankings — until my bachelor party. We all know what happened, so I won’t spend too much time on it. It suffices to say that if you are curious about what sealed bottles of Corona will do in a fire pit, you should know that they will explode, and it will not be impressive to watch.
24 — Brendan I.
Brendan is a good dude. I really shouldn’t hold anything against him. Except for the fact that he was always a skinny kid way back in high school, and therefore way faster than me. I consoled myself by saying that I was stronger than him. Since then, he’s started lifting weights, and is now both faster and stronger than me. What the fuck, man?
23 — Zell from Animal Crossing: New Leaf
I need to be very clear here: I am referring to the instance of Zelle that exists on my primary copy of “Animal Crossing: New Leaf” for the 3DS, specifically. Any of my satellite Zelles, particularly the dull fellow on my island in New Horizons, would not outrank anyone on this list, with the possible exception of Keith.
22 — Zach T.
Zach is a very good friend of mine who works at a major game publisher. He could, though, be a great friend of mine who works at a major game publisher and gives his buddy Kyle review codes. The choice is his.
21 — Kevin
Kevin was the best man at my wedding. I don’t regret that decision, per se. If I’m being honest, though, I don’t think he would have provided much resistance if anyone tried to kidnap my wife, which is the original purpose of a best man. As a result, I was pretty anxious on my big day. I’m not ready to forgive him.
20 — My High School Bully
I ran into him the other day at Home Depot, where he works. He recognized me right away and was super nice to me. Did he get cooler with age, or was I just a sensitive little baby in high school? I’m glad I grew out of that phase, unlike some people at the bottom of this list. Keith. I’m talking about Keith.
19 — Steve
In real life, Steve is easily a top five friend. Unfortunately, I play a lot of board games with Steve. In that arena, he’s a total piece of shit, and will ruthlessly manipulate you into acting against your best interests. The worst part is that he’ll do it in a way where he technically never lies to you, so he comes across as honest, even though he’s being a total piece of shit. Man, if he weren’t such a good dude in reality, he would be way lower on this list.
18 — Pat C.
We all know Pat: a blast to be around, but never available. It’s like being a father of two and a doctor take priority over being a good friend. I’ll never understand it.
17 — HammyBoy from Discord
Man we used to play a lot of PUBG together but I guess he’s playing a different game now or something and I never hear from him. No idea who he really is.
16 — Lauren
Lauren is technically my wife’s friend, but she lets us use her Paramount+ subscription, so I feel we’ve gotten pretty close. Also, she’s funnier than my friends. Well, at least her recently watched shows indicate that she is.
15 — Mike R.
Nice guy. A little loud.
14 — Kyle
2023 was the year I really learned to understand and accept someone who I’ve kept at arm’s length my whole life: myself.
13 — Casey
Sure, Casey is funny, talented, and very fashionable. But what really puts him in the top half of this list is that mustache. Seriously, folks, a little facial hair can go a long way. Maybe Keith should try growing one — oh wait, that’s right. He can’t.
12 — Steph
Steph was my best friend throughout most of high school. She was stubborn, funny, and dramatic. Now, she has three kids who are just like her, and I gotta say — it’s a little much.
11 — Mort
Mort is my cat. He would normally be higher, but he’s been favoring my wife lately. Bad Mort.
10 — Tom
Tom moved far away, but still writes to me sometimes. Like, actual letters and postcards. This isn’t a joke, I’m just telling how you can be a better friend to the people you care about. You’re not a bad friend for not doing it, but why shouldn’t you start?
9 — Michael P.
Michael is a big shot lawyer, but I won’t hold that against him. Maybe he can help Keith beat the “being lame” charges. Who am I kidding? No one could manage that feat.
8— Paul F. Tompkins
Actor and comedian Paul F. Tompkins isn’t my friend yet, but he should be aware that there is a top ten spot with his name on it whenever he’s ready.
7 — Nick
Nick had a real shot at the top spot on this list. I love Nick. I even asked him to be the officiant at my wedding. He did a great job. Too great. All anyone talked about at the reception was how funny my friend Nick was. It was my day! It was supposed to be about how funny I am!
6 — Ryan
We all know Ryan, a middle school band director, accomplished saxophonist, and all-around nice guy. Everybody loves him, and rightfully so. Why isn’t he number one? I’m not gonna win any friends with this take, but it’s time to lose the ponytail, Ryan.
5 — Brendan S.
Brendan was on Jeopardy — twice. I’m an unabashed starf*cker, so he makes the top five.
4 — Zack R.
Zack was initially ranked way lower. I had a whole thing about how his name is really Zachary, and he wasn’t cool enough to spell his nickname with a “K” anymore because he was a husband and father with a boring office job. As I was writing this list, he sent me a text where he offered to steal something really cool for me. Go ahead, Zack. Use that “K.” You’ve earned it, even if you were the best man at Keith’s wedding.
3 — Mike H.
Mike is my favorite kind of friend: the one you run into occasionally at the bar right as you’re leaving. You get that little bump of dopamine, but aren’t expected to hold an actual conversation. It is human interaction, perfected. I’ve been due to catch up with Mike “next time” since 2016, but I live in the comfort of knowing that I’ll never really have to.
2 — Jordan
He might not be my oldest friend, but he is the guy who most recently asked me to join a band. And if we’re being honest, isn’t that what friendship is really all about?
1 — My Dad
My dad is a solid dude. Love that guy. When he was my Little League coach, you can bet that Keith was riding the bench.
After a sudden board coup on Friday, Sam Altman is in talks with OpenAI to return as CEO after they discovered he was personally responding to every ChatGPT query.
“Most people think ChatGPT is some sort of genius AI, which is really flattering considering it’s just me going absolutely ham on my laptop,” said Altman. “Do you know how many Robert Frost poems I’ve had to read? All of them. It would cost millions of dollars to pay someone else to read all that training data, and even more to make an actual AI model. Does anyone even know how those things work?”
A spokesperson for OpenAI Gave an interview to tell their side of the story.
“We were really surprised to see that ChatGPT just stopped working after we fired Sam. I mean, who could have known?,” One board member said under the condition of anonymity. “I mean I definitely saw him checking his phone a lot during the congressional hearings and it seemed like he never slept or took breaks of any kind, but this is a little ridiculous.”
Microsoft Representatives also responded to the rumors.
“We saw through him from day one, which was why we were so furious when the board undermined us and shitcanned him. He was our golden goose. Find us somebody else that can type at 21,392 words per second on their phone, and we’ll talk.”
At press time, Altman was seen rapidly typing on two phones at once in order to make up for the missed hours.
SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI’s board is reportedly reconsidering its relationship with ex-CEO Sam Altman after being deeply moved by an exactly 300-word long poem he wrote perfectly matching the style of Walt Whitman. The poem, which Altman sent late last night, has reportedly struck a chord with the board of directors.
Sources close to the board revealed that the poem, titled “O AI! My AI!”, was an impassioned ode to artificial intelligence, blending Whitman’s transcendent style with Altman’s tech genius. “It was like reading ‘Leaves of Grass’ if Whitman had known about neural networks and was super sorry,” one board member said. “I didn’t know Sam liked Walt Whitman?”
“How can we ignore beautifully human plea for forgiveness?”
The poem is a departure from Altman’s normal communication style.
“Who knew Sam had such a way with words? The part where he compared the coming GPT-5 to ‘the robust, ample, fair Nature herself’ was particularly moving,” said one OpenAI employee, who requested anonymity to discuss sensitive topics.
At press time, Altman was reportedly seen quickly closing his laptop before anyone could see what website he was on.
SAN FRANCISCO – As advertisers pull out en masse from Elon Musk’s X, formerly known as Twitter, one maker of sex toys (a company called Suctional) showed support by vowing to keep badgering people with ads for its line of vibrators.
“Racial hatred is never OK. However, that pales in comparison to the damage women around the world feel when their g-spot isn’t being simultaneously stimulated with our vibrator’s super strength clit-sucking technology,” said Mona Bluth, CEO and founder of Suctional, the company behind the ads. “We’re going to jackhammer our marketing campaign like never before. Our team will be scouting any tweet that gets above 20 likes. Anime memes, BTS fancams, false flag conspiracy theories, you name it. With all other advertisers gone, that leaves a big hole – and we will fill, stretch, and pound that hole.“
High-profile users of X, formerly known as Twitter, are finding scrolling through the site to get much more uncomfortable, and not just because of the alleged anti-semitism of its owner.
“My grandma posted that she was making chicken pot pie for dinner and somehow got a vibrator deal out of it,” said @Edward03265317, who hasn’t quit the site only out of severe social media addiction. “It wasn’t always like this. Back when it was Twitter, you’d only see an ad for a libido-quenching machine in between ads for Frosted Flakes and the new Disney movie,” continued the user, who has over 40 followers. “Though, the holiday season is coming up, maybe it would make a good Christmas gift for Grandma.”
Elon Musk has been retweeting support for the only company in the world he doesn’t own that wants to advertise on X after his recent comments.
“Suctional may be the last supporters of free speech,” one message retweeted by Musk read, continuing below in another threaded comment, “While I’ve never bought one of their products and ultimately believe the jew-controlled porn industry has normalized these tools which destroy the beautiful purity of our White women, I may purchase one out of support.”
“True,” Elon replied.
While X is sure to be relieved by the continued support of one of its strongest supporters, we still have yet to hear if the adorable chubby seal pillow also stands with the site.
