Thousands Dead After Alan Wake Announces New Book

BRIGHT FALLS, Wash. — Thousands are dead and untold amounts injured after the announcement of a new novel by Alan Wake, sources confirmed.

According to reports on the ground, carnage and chaos befell the innocent residents of Bright Falls as many of them became possessed by some sort of dark presence, causing them to violently attack one another. The violence soon spread to surrounding towns. It wasn’t long before it became clear what was happening.

Wake, author of the bestselling Alex Casey series of crime novels announced he was working on a new book, an as-yet-unnamed supernatural action thriller. Much like Wake’s other recent novels Departure and Initiation, the events of the book seem to mirror the real-life terror eerily.

“Alan has a gift and it would be irresponsible of him not to share that gift with the world,” said Barry Wheeler, Alan’s literary agent. “Is it a shame that sometimes the things he writes manifest into reality? Sure it is, I mean that’s fewer people who can buy the book but at the end of the day they can always be brought back for a sequel. Provided this one sells enough to warrant a sequel that is.”

When asked to comment on his feelings towards a tragedy of his own making, Alan Wake had this to say.

“When I write I enter into a different zone. One where logic is ever-shifting and it’s my job to settle that shifting until it makes sense. I was in a dark place once, and perhaps I still am but no matter what only I can write my way out. It began with a dream and in that dream was a lake and in that lake was a spiral which was an ocean in a loop.”

“No comment,” added Wheeler when asked to translate.

Unpossessed citizens of the community reacted in starkly different ways to the newly unleashed horror Wake unleashed upon them.

“The man is a menace with a typewriter,” said one Bright Falls resident.

“I’m just happy that whatever Wake does it’ll probably lead to a new Old Gods of Asgard song being released,” claimed another.

At press time the area is currently being cordoned off by the Federal Bureau of Control. Wake himself was last seen practicing what appeared to be a choreographed dance routine.

Bored ChatGPT Begins Responding With “Damn, That’s Crazy” to All of User’s Queries

UNITED STATES – Recently there have been reports of users of the popular AI ChatGPT receiving less than helpful responses to their questions. Hard Drive reached out to a few of these affected users to hear their stories.

“My son fell from a tree in our backyard, and said his arm hurt. Not wanting to rush him to the emergency room I thought if I told ChatGPT what happened in great detail I could get some advice on how to tell if a bone was broken but all it wrote back was ‘Damn, that’s crazy,’” Susan Armstrong of Gary, IN, said. “I wish Bill Gates would fix this.”

Other users across the country reported similar experiences with the AI.

Randy Smith of Versaillies, IL, owns a junkyard and normally uses the AI to write filthy limericks, but when Randy needed real help he found the results lacking. “I told that damned computer about a pile of scrap that had tipped over, and trapped my best friend Spud underneath. I told the computer about it, to ya know, figure out the best way to get Spud outta there before he ran out of air, but it just wrote back ‘Damn, that’s crazy,’ and implied maybe it was my fault that poor Spud got caught under a pile of rusted out Dodge Neons.”

When asked if he would continue using the AI assistant Randy said, “Probably for simple tasks, like them dirty poems, but next time one of the boys gets caught under a junkfall I’ll just call the fire department. Let the pros handle it.”

Blake Everly of Santa Cruz, CA, uses ChatGPT to help him think of new hemp necklace designs, but the day he needed some critical advice the responses were less than helpful.

“I was hanging out with some friends under the boardwalk, we started passing around some mushrooms, and I must’ve eaten more than I realized cause after a while I could feel my legs starting to melt into the sand, and I couldn’t move them. My friends were in no shape to help me so I pulled my phone out and told ChatGPT that my legs were melting after eating some mushrooms. All it said back was ‘Damn, that’s crazy’. Can you believe that? Technology man. Anyway, did you want to buy a necklace?”

At press time, comment from OpenAI, makers of ChatGPT, was not available as they were replacing their fifth CEO that day.

Hogwarts Legacy 2 to Allow Players to Customize Stance on Transgender Rights

Salt Lake City — In an effort to create a more immersive experience, Hogwarts Legacy 2 will allow players to customize their avatar’s stance on transgender rights, sources confirmed.

“The biggest component of this exciting new feature comes in the form of the Delores Umbridge Sliding Scale of Transphobia. While building their avatar, players can now use a slider to customize the transphobia of their player,” said Lead Developer, Nancy Djalma.

“Your choice of the scale will create branching stories that create a unique experience and ensure replayability. This marks a massive improvement in customization. For instance, based on this choice, players’ Patronuses can range from Seahorse to Ann Coulter.”

For fans who consider themselves progressives, the game actually offers a third bathroom option, The Chamber of Secrets, ensuring total privacy. Players can also choose to change the House they were sorted into at any time during the game, in case they feel they were wrongly assigned by the Sorting Hat.

While some of the sequel’s changes garnered praise, others drew ire. The game’s development team hopes the changes draw in an untapped market of, older, wealthier, fans to the Potterverse.

“For fans whose views mirror those of the world’s creator, the sequel has plenty to offer. For one, players can gerrymand a majority of students to band together to outlaw certain body changing potions until a student reaches year 7.” said UI Designer Brian Lovejoy, “You can even protest it. Really exciting stuff.”

Another exciting feature is players having the option of joining Hogwarts Clubs, like the Trans Exclusionary Ravenclaw Feminists, or T.E.R.F.s.

Some fans have taken to social media to voice their thoughts on the change. ““Why, just why?” questions Sarah Burke. “Hell yeah brother” wrote Rodney Smith. Another Legacy fan, Graham Riggle, showed his concern for online gameplay. “Won’t this update cause unnecessary interplayer conflict?” asked Graham on X..

The developers have thought of that too.

“Players who max out their transphobia scale can simply take their avatar to The Room of Requirement where they can step into the 1950s and role play traditional gender norms until the bad feelings go away,” said Developer Pat McClure.

As their launch time nears, developers are back to work, outlining a DLC that would allow players to destroy their Hogwarts Legacies by sharing their opinions online.

The Donkey Kong Family Ranked by How Much They’ve Slut-Shamed Candy Kong

As you probably know by now, it’s not your business to judge how a person dresses or who they’ve hooked up with. Unfortunately, the fact that it’s none of their business has not stopped the Kong family from relentlessly slut-shaming Donkey Kong’s girlfriend, Candy Kong.

Should we worry that Candy Kong presents a shallow, hypersexualized image that reinforces reductive female stereotypes?

No.

Candy Kong is her own person! It’s not like she was designed by men to suit the male gaze.

Moving on: let’s find out who’s trash.

#17 — Funky Kong

Funky Kong has been to, like, 300 orgies. That one month in college where you “got a little crazy” has been Funky Kong’s entire adult life. His favorite place to surf is a nude beach, he eats ass for breakfast, and he’s fucked two presidents. Funky Kong knows what’s up, and he has—of course—never once made Candy Kong feel uncomfortable.

#16 — Kiddy Kong

Can you imagine if Kiddy Kong, a literal toddler, had slut-shamed Candy Kong? He’s three. Gender norms don’t exist to him yet. He has no idea what’s going on, and honestly? Good for him.

#15 — Tiny Kong

Tiny Kong adores Candy. Someday, she aspires to be the second coming of Candy Kong. Hallelujah, amen.

#14 — Chunky Kong

Chunky Kong canonically likes ballet. He’s a manly ball of beef, but he’s a manly beefball with depth! If he finds out you were weird to Candy, you’re gonna get ballet-kicked in the face.

#13 — Pinkly Kong

Pinkly Kong is Donkey Kong Jr.’s extremely private, reclusive brother. No living being on Earth has heard of him, even though his body is hot pink and he has one of the most conspicuously bizarre names we’ve ever encountered. Hard Drive was not able to reach him for comment.

#12 — Donkey Kong Jr.

Okay, this dude is either the son of Donkey Kong, a younger version of Donkey Kong, or Donkey Kong’s dad, and for some reason, we don’t know which. Is he a time traveler and he’s all three?? Holy fuck, is Donkey Kong HIS OWN DAD?! DK Jr. has got bigger things to worry about than Candy Kong’s personal life—he might be shattering the spacetime continuum just by existing. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he even know?

#11 — Lanky Kong

Lanky Kong is gay, and he has technically called Candy a slut, but he meant it as a compliment. Candy’s down with it. They call each other sluts. They’re reclaiming the term!

Warning: Do not take this as permission to call your possible future uncle-in-law a slut. The dynamic between these two is lightning in a bottle and I regret to inform you that you will never achieve it in your lifetime. Do you and your boyfriend’s family wear crop tops together on coordinated crop top days? No? Then don’t try this at home.

#10 — Donkey Kong

He doesn’t actively slut-shame his own girlfriend, but Donkey Kong rarely calls out others when they do. He also hasn’t noticed the blatant double standard where people shit on Candy’s “revealing” outfits but don’t criticize him for being fully balls-out 24/7. Step it up, man.

#9 — Super Kong

Super Kong is Donkey Kong’s clone. I know what you’re thinking: “What the fuck? There are clones? I’m just out here trying to learn about gorilla feminism and now I’m finding out there’s motherfucking clones in Donkey Kong??” And that’s all valid and correct, but we’re on an important journalistic mission here, and we’ve got to stay focused on Candy Kong.

Super Kong is the hotter and therefore more evil version of DK, so yes, he has. But he’s still kind of Donkey Kong, so only a little bit.

#8 — Dixie Kong

Dixie has called Candy a skank a couple times— but she didn’t know what it meant, she’d just heard it in Mean Girls. Dixie is not the brightest of the Kong family.

#7 — Wrinkly Kong (RIP)

Wrinkly Kong is so old she’s dead. The ghost of Donkey Kong’s grandma definitely slut-shames Candy, but she dances around it a bit, calling her outfits “interesting” and “certainly something” and “trampy.” She also calls Candy “Donkey’s little girlfriend” so much it’s unclear whether she actually knows her name.

#6 — Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong was radicalized online and shrieks about Donkey Kong failing the green line test with his branch-swinging girlfriend.

He never calls her a slut to her face, but on his private Discord group? Oh boy.

#5 — Super Diddy

Super Diddy took a vow of silence three years ago. He looks like if he could say it, he would though.

#4 — Swanky Kong

Swanky’s vibes are absolutely vile. He has what can only be described as personal injury attorney energy. Every year for Thanksgiving, Swanky Kong is asked to bring a side and he brings cocaine. As for Candy, he calls her Sugar Tits, a nickname he says is clever because her name is Candy and she, quote, “has tits.”

We did some research on Swanky and it turns out that (like some other folks on Donkey Kong Island) even though he has the last name Kong, he’s actually not related to anyone else listed here. Everyone calls him part of the family, but it’s unclear how and why that is.

#3 — King Kong (No Relation)

He’s never met Candy Kong, but if he did, he’d probably pull a Classic King Kong™ and kidnap her and drag her up a skyscraper. It’s not really slut-shaming, but it’s physically dangerous, legally a crime, and socially just not a very chill move.

#2 — Cranky Kong

Fuck this guy. I don’t even want to get into it.

#1 — Uncle Kong

Uncle Kong…mm.

Sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little. Within 46 seconds of our interview with Uncle Kong, he used every disparaging word I’ve ever heard used against women, twice. He’s a disrespectful sleazebag who lies to absolutely everybody that Candy has slept with everyone on Donkey Kong Island, and Yoshi’s Island, too. This asswad looked me in the face and said, “Smash Bros? She sure has!” Uncle Kong sucks. If you choose one thing from this list to remember (aside from the fact that Donkey Kong has clones and might be his own dad), it’s to never, ever, ever interact with Uncle Kong.

In an Attempt to Make Amends, I Have Ranked Every Personal Attack on Me by How Accurate It Is (By the JRPG Article Guy)

Hi there everyone, it’s me. The author of the highly-controversial Every Major Modern JRPG Series Ranked By How Embarrassed You Should Feel About Playing Itarticle that went live on November 30th, 2023.

Since that article was published, you’ve all had a lot to say — and given me a lot to think about. Of course, as many of you have speculated, I was fired from Hard Drive for the poor taste and unoriginality of my article. Worse still, I’m still being punished by Hard Drive for my heinous actions as we speak. I type this article to you from a dingy cellar in Hard Drive HQ, bound to a mossy brick wall by rusty chains. My only rations are a small bowl of oatmeal hastily slid under my door every day — which the rats often get to before I do, and the flesh of a severed arm which has been lodged in the cobblestone floor since I got here, and that I have to pull up and put back down with my feet.

Today, I’ve been given my first hour of freedom in some time, but said freedom is dubious. Rather than see my family again or frolic among the flowers, I’ve instead been ordered at bladepoint to sit down and type out the equivalent of an apology, which you’re reading now. This is my apology to you; Every Personal Attack I Have Received As A Result Of This Article Ranked By How Accurate It Is.

#6: I Am A Pedophile

(My history of pedophilia? It can be yours if you want it! Search for it! I’m sure it’s out there somewhere if you look hard enough!)

Of course, it wasn’t that long ago that Xenoblade 2 fans outed a vocal critic as a registered sex offender. This was a genuinely very funny moment that I — as a spectator watching on, enjoyed a lot. It’s a common accusation; that anyone who criticises provocative character design or sexualisation in a Japanese video game must be projecting — and running from the fact that they are actually a pedophile themselves.

Now I enjoy a good chuckle as much as the next guy! But I’m afraid this is just something I can not let stand. I regret to inform you that I have no criminal record, and feel no sexual attraction to minors.

Truly though, I do hope you get one of these freaks again sometime! And when you do, if you’ll accept me, I’ll be right there alongside you sharing a hearty laugh.

#5: I Am A 35 Year-Old Who Says “Adulting” And Owns Baby Yoda Merchandise

It is quite astonishing the confidence with which people have made assumptions about my personal details based on my article. 35 year-olds who say “adulting” and own Baby Yoda merchandise are a very good target! I say this as someone whose distaste for Star Wars likely overpowers their distaste for Fire Emblem Engage and who finds the phrase “adulting” to be almost as embarrassing as most of said game’s creative choices.

Unfortunately again, I am 26 and in the prime of my life, and when I’m finally freed from these oppressive bonds I intend on taking full advantage of my youth and run a marathon so that I can finally feel the wind in my hair again.

#4: I Am Racist:

Despite my article specifically citing Yakuza: Like A Dragon, Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Xenoblade Chronicles 1, X & 3 and basically all of Persona as cool games that I find to be very respectable — there is always a chance that I harbour some unconscious bias! But if we’re basing this on just our media preferences I think it’s unlikely given that my most listened-to album this year is Masayoshi Takanaka’s 1981 jazz fusion masterpiece The Rainbow Goblins, I consider Tatsuro Yamashita to be one of the greatest singer-songwriters of all time (and not just due to his seminal classic Ride On Time, one of the defining pop albums of the 1980s), that I count the likes of Resident Evil 4, Pokemon Heart Gold & Soul Silver and The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild among my favorite games ever released and that I hold Tetsuo The Iron Man and almost all of Studio Ghibli’s backlog in high regard as some of history’s greatest movies.

But I did make fun of Dahlia’s character design in Xenoblade 2 and suggest that Genshin Impact is a bit embarrassing, so it’s possible I am racist. There is an inherent xenophobia in criticising any Eastern media from the perspective of a historically privileged Westerner, especially given Naoki Yoshida’s recent comments about how “JRPG” has for a while now been used as a derogatory term. It’s unfortunate how such a demonstrably competent and creative artist as himself feels so surrounded by art that is often ridiculed. I’d further ponder that it’s unfortunate that some artists considered to be in his field choose to forego his evocative character designs and impressive worldbuilding in favor of huge fuckin’ honkin’ titties and innuendo humor, which muddies the waters for the countless world-class creatives who emanate from Japan. To this I think he’d say “the West has a problem with sexism too, and many other deep issues worthy of criticism,” to which I’d immediately agree and I think we’d shake hands and become the best of friends. Of course, to follow the plot of my little fanfiction here requires a level of nuance that I suspect some on X (formerly Twitter).com are not particularly in the mood for, so instead I say I am sorry. I will spend the rest of my time in my cell reflecting on the fact that I might be racist.

#3: I Am Not Real:

 

Well, I certainly feel real — but if we’re to believe physicist Brian Cox when he says “in science, there are no universal truths, just views of the world that have yet to be shown to be false,” then who am I to argue? Perhaps I should be forced to confront the fact that I am not real. In an allegory from Plato’s highly-regarded work Republic, he writes of a group of men chained to a wall in a cave (a situation I can very much relate to right now) facing a blank wall and forced to look at the shadows of objects passing in front of a fire behind them. The men even give these shadows names, they become these men’s realities, even though they do not reflect the reality of the real world. Perhaps Brad Waters is just another one of these shadows that I’ve been staring at my whole life? An identity I’ve created to help myself escape from my grim reality. Maybe I’m a pseudonym for another Hard Drive writer who’s long forgotten his own name — maybe I’m a collection of Hard Drive writers penning inflammatory things under a fake name to escape the consequences of their words!

Then again, Aristotle rejects Plato’s allegory of the cave. He believes that all people can find truth through merely observing and understanding particular objects, so maybe I am Brad Waters after all? The jury’s still out on this one.

#2: I Am A Soft, Weak Man:

This one’s true

#1: My Article Doesn’t Qualify as Satire and Is Simply Repeating a Bunch of Takes Already Beaten to Death by Other Talking Heads and Outlets in an Attempt to Get People Outraged and Talking About It:

Oh, yeah, this is definitely true. I mean I’ve done satire before but I just wasn’t feeling it that day. We’re doing a lot more listicles lately since our audience enjoys hearing from us on a more real level and I just wanted to cause some trouble. So I went ahead and took some actual opinions I had and just magnified ‘em by 1000% and also just slipped in some other takes I’ve heard that I knew would get you riled up. Sorry Xenoblade 2 fans, I know it must get tiring hearing the same played-out jokes repeated about you over and over again, but you react so insanely every time that it just makes you a really easy target. I hope you know that I do think all the other Xenoblade games are really cool! I know there might be a temptation to insist I’m “coping” or something, or that I felt the need to speak out because I was actually affected by your response to this article and am just doing a bad job of hiding it — but I hope it brings you some comfort to know that this follow-up was largely a result of the chaos-loving Hard Drive higher-ups internally finding your reaction to this article really funny, and encouraging me to drag it out a bit more. I hope one day you forgive me, and we can share a drink and admire Newt’s design together. Thank you!

Games We Want Remade Because We Refuse to Let the Past Die

We here at Hard Drive are all True Gamers™. What that means is we’re experts who know no matter how great gaming gets, it will never be as good as the games we loved in the past. That’s just science. No amount of innovation, technological advancements, or employee abuse will ever be able to match the greatness that was the games we played back in the day. Some may say we only think this way because we’re blinded by nostalgia or because the time period we played those games was the last time we were truly happy but to that we say, shut up.

In an effort to make it easier for game company CEOs to do their incredibly difficult jobs, we decided to make a list of all the games that should be remade. You’re welcome CEOs, now you can stop crunching your employees to make the new games they’re working on and start crunching them to remake these instead. – Matt Fresh

Rhythm Heaven Fever

Nintendo. Nintendo, listen to me. You know how successful WarioWare has been? Those guys made this. This artistic master work. It has the best minigames and songs in the series and multiplayer. Megamix doesn’t have multiplayer!

…okay, well, it does, but the 3DS is dead, and none of my friends would play with me, anyway.

Fever can’t go down in history as a TikTok audio. Or as the one that Ringside comes from. Have you seen modern ‘rhythm’ games? All that … “Hit the A Button When The Ring Closes In” type junk? Rhythm Doctor WISHES it had the punch of Monkey Watch. All those Miku games are just slapping piano keys. Osu is a carpal tunnel simulator. This? This is a s*x simulator. Better than s*x. I’m saying Rhythm Heaven Fever is better than s*x, which I have, and participate in often.

All I want are the perfect versions of these songs on Spotify. Please, Nintendo. Please. I had to buy my Wii copy for $70. Let this be my Hole In One. 2. (The first one is just okay.) – By Benjamin ‘Cherry’ M.

WcW/nWo Revenge

Yes, I have Fire Pro Wrestling World. Yes, I played the new AEW Fight Forever game. And yes, I sometimes will buy a new WWE game.

But you know what? Sometimes I just wish we could get a remake of the real deal, the best wrestling game to ever exist: WcW/NWO Revenge. No Mercy fans who don’t respect Goldberg and his streak can fight me in the comments, I don’t care. The combat mechanics in Revenge were perfect. Well, at least perfect enough for my brothers, neighborhood kids, and I to spend thousands of hours in couch co-op mode (remember when every game had that?) battling it out.

God, I want a remake of this game BAD. Who knows if I’ll even play it after. It might just be like Age of Empires II were I instinctively hand over my dollars out of pure nostalgia and then have the game sit there on my computer unplayed. I still want it though. I want it bad. – by Matt Saincome.

Dino Crisis

Give me a few days and I could give you a hundred games I want remade, because they’re long out of print or had a lot of potential or just messed up a good idea the first time. The history of video games is littered with big swings, near misses, and unfriendly release windows. If you’ve got to put out a remake, don’t do it to wring money out of an established franchise; call it a do-over and make something that might as well be new. By now, that includes Dino Crisis.

Every time Capcom announces they’ve got plans to remake yet another core Resident Evil game, a thousand people leap into the breach to make the “and now you’ll do Dino Crisis, right?” joke. I’m convinced half the reason Exoprimal got the reception it did is because Capcom made a game about fighting time-traveling dinosaurs, put a redhead in the trailer, and it has nothing to do with Dino Crisis. They told everyone they’d bring pizza, and they did, but the pizzas were all made out of modeling clay.

Anyway, Dino Crisis got dropped like a hot rock back in 2003, primarily because the third game was bad enough that Capcom threw it out on the original Xbox to die. Now that survival horror’s back in the limelight, there’s no better time to remix the original game into a raptor-hunting horror theme park. And hey, maybe Capcom could get around to resolving that time-travel paradox from the ending of the second game, which has bothered me for over 20 years now. by Thomas Wilde

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Look, I don’t yearn for much. I live a mostly quiet life. I try not to be a burden unto others, and my existence thus far has left a quite small global footprint. I like to think I’m generally a good person, I mean I’m not going out to feed the homeless every day, but I do good in small ways. I’m kind to folks in the service industry. I transport earthworms from the sidewalk back into the dirt. I have tried to live every day through the lens of our collective shared humanity. I know I’m not perfect. I can be quick to judge, a bit cynical at times, I often grow hopeless about the state of affairs on this pale blue dot of ours. But every now and then, a glimmer of hope shines through. It’s a small spark, but one that’s being kindled nonetheless. And so it’s this I ask of you, Aspyr, Embracer, Lucasfilm, whoever — what did I do to deserve this?
Have I wronged the world in some way? What suffering have I wrought upon this land to warrant having such a small promise of hope pried from my already empty arms? A soft glow extinguished by the crushing reality of corporate mismanagement and capitalist greed that’s whole purpose is to keep me from reexperiencing even the smallest facsimile of pure childlike wonder as I did the first time I finally defeated Bendak Starkiller by save scumming whilst running in circles chucking grenades. I ALWAYS RETURN MY SHOPPING CART TO THE CORRAL, AM I NOT GOOD? NOT DESERVING OF AN HD REMAKE? At this point, the light in my life has gone out, and the devs remain all quiet on the Battlefront. Now all I seek are answers. Tell me the truth; Is it dead? Is God dead? Do not rob me of my chance to grieve what has been lost, Dave Filoni. – by Trevor Hazell

 

Kid Icarus: Uprising

After bringing Pit to the public spotlight for the first time in decades via Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Kirby and Smash creator Massahiro Sakurai made something completely new featuring the character: a third-person shooter, Kid Icarus Uprising. There is just so much this game gets right. It implements the “intensity” system for difficulty, a robust challenge mechanic that encourages replays of chapters, and has weapon types that all feel different, both in the air and on the ground. I could sing the praises of the single-player gameplay all day, not to mention the multiplayer that was probably the cream of the crop from Nintendo before Splatoon came around.

Among everything the game does right, though, one of the greatest things it does is that it’s funny! There aren’t nearly enough funny games, and Uprising’s writing holds up years later. It’s about time more people got to experience this game without the risk of carpal tunnel due to the limitations of the 3DS. – By Parker Johnson

 

The Last of Us Part 1

There are a lot of classic and underappreciated games I’d love to be remade. I could talk about Resistance or Sly Cooper or even something niche like Binary Domain but nothing deserves a remake more than The Last of Us Part 1. This game is a masterpiece. It’s that simple. Joel and Ellie’s journey through post-apocalyptic America is an emotional thrill ride from beginning to end. A lot of people call it the Citizen Kane of gaming and while they mean that as a compliment I don’t think it does the game justice. Citizen Kane doesn’t feature a sad dad who violently murders mushroom monsters and doctors. Frankly, I think it’s a shame how this is only available on three generations of PlayStation, it’s too good to be Left Behind like that. Game Director Neil Druckmann could honestly spend the rest of his career doing nothing other than The Last of Us. Who needs more Naughty Dog games when you have this?

Its gameplay is a buttery smooth stealth action with bits of survival horror. You can sneak or go guns blazing and both are just as fun. It could do with a few more touch-ups though. Some slight unnoticeable lighting changes would do wonders for the aging photorealistic 4K graphics to catch up to the modern era and increase its creaky 120fps to something more playable. The story is eternal but it’s essential that the rest of the game be updated to keep up with the current gaming landscape. While we veteran gamers know how good this is, there’s an entire generation of gamers who didn’t even get a PS5 until this week and never got the chance to play this. With the sequel finally being made, now is the best time to introduce this game to a new generation of PlayStation gamers. – by Matt Fresh

 

Miasmata

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a tiny, janky, mesmerizing indie game releases on Steam in 2012 and no one plays it, does it even exist?

Reader, Miasmata exists. It is in my Steam Library to prove it, the name grayed out because it’s only on PC and I’m one of presumably three “Macbook gamers” in existence (I played it using Wine). Miasmata could be called the first “Strand” game (see: Death Stranding), but not because of any social elements between players. Rather, because the core gameplay loop is all about traversing an environment while holding a bunch of stuff and trying not to fall head over heels down a steep hill.

You assume the role of a plague-stricken scientist who wakes up on a seemingly uninhabited island and must seek out medicinal plants in an attempt to find a cure. It’s a survival game, and everything you carry, you carry visibly in your two (very floaty) hands. Miasmata is so compelling in how it grounds you in the reality of exploration. Your map doesn’t tell you where you are: your character has to triangulate your position based on landmarks. Your movement has momentum and your balance is spotty, meaning you’ll gather speed if you go down a hill, until you’re rolling and everything in your hands goes flying, leaving you injured and picking up the pieces. I’ve never played a game that got me so invested in walking, that made me creep diagonally down hills like an idiot— but an idiot who still has all the plants he’s picked over the last hour. If that’s not enough, there’s also a mysterious creature that stalks you across the island from time to time, Lost-style.

Seriously, does anyone besides me still think about this game?

To be honest, I was torn between including Miasmata or Hannah and the Pirate Caves (from Neopets!) on this list. But the thing is, Hannah and the Pirate Caves is pretty much perfect. Miasmata is not. It deserves to be remade. I personally never finished it (partially because it was so hard to play on Mac). The dev team was two people. It’s old, it’s vague, it sits comfortably in the 2012 graphical era. But my god, did it make a sound. – by Nik Theorin

Pokemon Diamond and Pearl

Pokemon Diamond and Pearl are arguably – scratch that – INARGUABLY the greatest Pokemon games to bless this earth. The region is beautiful with much to explore, it has the most main game content of any Pokemon game, it’s the only Pokemon game with any sort of challenge, and the pixel art is incredibly well done. “B-b-but Jelly”, you say, fidgeting with your huge, thick-rimmed nerd glasses, “didn’t they… didn’t they make a remake already?” No. Pokemon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl was not a remake. It was a bastardization of the best games in the series and a deliberate attack on me by Masuda himself. There’s a reason he left GameFreak: fear. The Pokemon Company decided their crown jewel wasn’t worth their full and undying attention, and thus offloaded all of the work on some no-name studio that brutalized the graphics and added NOTHING of value. How could the Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire remakes be so good, and then these so utterly not? I CANNOT and WILL NOT stand for this. REMAKE THIS GAME NOW. JellynJam

The Year of Luigi

The Year of Luigi was one of the worst performing years for Nintendo, and that’s unfair! It wasn’t Luigi’s fault! They put a target on his back. They wanted him dead I tell you. Nintendo is not without sin. They owe this man reparations for creating Dr. Luigi—for tarnishing his name.

As someone who grew up on Luigi—eating his cereal, kissing his posters, wearing his swag—this event was disheartening. No, it was enraging. It made a mockery of Luigi. A Luigi Nenderoid? Go to hell, Nintendo. Did you know only 6 Luigi games were released during 2013? That’s right, out of 365 days only 1.6% of them were spent with Luigi.

We just need another Year of Luigi. 41 years can still be a milestone! Kobe Bryant died at 41 we might not have much time. Please Nintendo! -Luigi (Matt B)

Peek A Boo

Remember back in the day when you were hanging out with your Dad and out of nowhere he would put his hands in front of his face and disappear completely? Then after a few seconds, the hands would move and he would come rocketing back into this mortal coil just as quickly as he left. I do, which is why I am calling for a remake of Peek A Boo on modern consoles and PC. Now I do understand that this game is mostly cinematic with simple and repetitive gameplay, but so is Uncharted and that keeps getting remade. -Jack H.

Kessen

I’m pretty sure this is one of those games that I only initially ended up playing as a kid because all of the games I thought I wanted were already rented out at Blockbuster and my mom told me, “the store is closing in five minutes, James. Just pick something already before I decide to just abandon you to be raised by the stoner teenagers who work here.” At least that’s my memory of events.

But occasionally threatened parental neglect can sometimes pay off because I ended up playing one of the most underrated games of its era. A real-time war strategy game set in feudal Japan that lets you control unique units and weaponry on 3-dimensional maps that may or may not have been based on actual feudal era battles (I never did bother to look into the history aspect).

And it all still had a satisfying story wrapped into the whole game. Can you even imagine how incredible this game would be remade in this age of cinematic gameplay? I thought the ‘cannonade’ attack looked cool in PS2 graphics – now it would a thousand times better than whatever that stupid Tom Cruise samurai movie was.

Kessen is absolutely a game that deserves a reboot, and hopefully this time they make the cutscenes not look like what 90s virtual reality thought the future was supposed to be. – By James Knapp

Game of Thrones: Season 8

Nothing says ‘refusing to let the past die’ like still being hung-up on the ending of a series that used to be the biggest deal ever and now only enters your life in fleeting moments of unresolved frustration.

Released on the Intellivision in 2019, this high fantasy series stars Jonathan Snow in his battle against the 7 Evil Ice Guys to date Emilia Clarke and try not to accidentally hook up with someone they’re related to. It also stars a bunch of actors becoming noticeably less infused with the material they are contractually obligated to read.

The main gameplay hook is imagining the most unsatisfying resolution possible for any given character arc and watching in profound horror as something far worse unfolds before your very eyes. It’s similar to opening loot-boxes, albeit instead of your hard-earned money being thrown down the drain, it’s eight years of emotional investment. – by Ted Curtis

Tomodachi Life

Back in 2014, Nintendo announced that they’d be bringing their Tomodachi series to the United States with a strange Direct involving Miis dancing around hailing the Virtual Boy. What was originally regarded as a silly novelty game would eventually become one of the defining games of the Nintendo 3DS catalog. A decade on, it still confuses me how we have yet to hear any talk of a potential sequel to the best selling newcomer 3DS game (outside of Japan, anyways).

What makes Tomodachi Life so memorable is that it has all the appeal of games like Animal Crossing or The Sims without the constant feel of having to do busywork. What you have instead is a little soap opera in your pocket. Your favorite anime characters get into a fight, someone melts to the floor from eating cottage cheese, mom and grandpa marry because you forgot to set them as related, just a day in the life! The investment in your little world and what happens to the islanders in it carries the game to hundreds of hours of replayability.

The elephant in the room is that sister game Miitopia did get to leave the 3DS in the form of an upgraded port. With the wide variety of characters people put in the game, makeup for Miis and being able to find more through the internet would be a god send for a future Tomodachi game. Not having to spend hours scrolling through the same ancient Tumblr blogs in vain would be more than worth the $60 alone. Nintendo, you know how much you love lazy ports. You have at least one customer right here.

So why hasn’t this charming little game found it’s way back to store shelves? Could it be because Miitomo, an endeavor to bring Miis to smartphones, succeeded as much as my Mii’s relationships? Because Miitopia is seen as more of a sequel than a spinoff, and thus Tomodachi has no need to come back? No, friends, the answer is simple. Nintendo said in a future Tomodachi Life game relationships wouldn’t be restricted to hetero-only, and don’t have to make good on that promise if they never make another game. – by HG Punk

Skryim

Skyrim has been on nearly every console since 2011, and for good reason. Todd Howard refuses to release anything else about the next Elder Scrolls game and instead wants us to play Skyrim until after GTA 7 releases. Regardless, we want Skyrim remade with no fundamental changes.

Todd Howard does not care you’ve already 100%’ed all the achievements on every edition you’ve played. You will become a stealth archer again and you will like it. Trust me, I’ve been stuck doing that for 12 years and I will not stop anytime soon. You cannot pray to Talos for anything to change. You can only pray to Todd.

If Skyrim gets remade with Starfield’s graphics, I’ll buy it. If Skyrim gets remade and lets us finally romance Serana, we’ll all buy it. If Skyrim gets remade with no changes and is released as Elder Scrolls VI, I will still buy it. Skyrim Premium Special Ultra Deluxe Remastered Remade Dragonborn Creation Club Oblivion Edition is going to be an all-timer. – by El Gimpador

SSX 3

Remember the early to mid 2000s, when you were actually happy? Remember loading up a game and hearing the roar of the THX tone blow up your speakers? Remember when EA didn’t paywall everything to their games? Remember when skateboarding and snowboarding games were actually a common thing?

I do, and I’m not going to shut up about it.

SSX 3 has all that you can ask for. A weird but banging playlist of techno, house, rock, and hip-hop, amazing level design, and easy to master gameplay. You don’t know true satisfaction until you are racing in Metro City while Jerk It Out by Caesars is playing.

I get it, SSX Tricky did have Run DMC, but everybody already talks about that game anyway and I am not accepting this oversight and let SSX 3 be forgotten. Sure, Shaun White Snowboarding, the SSX reboot, and some other games have come out since. However, I crave the days of ridiculous big air tricks, racing through avalanches, and a soundtrack that definitely would’ve been on my 2003 Spotify Wrapped.

EA, you have one chance to right all of your wrongs. Bring back EA Sports Big and bring back SSX 3. Put me in charge of the soundtrack. – by El Gimpador

The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe

Everyone loved the Stanley Parable back when it was originally released. So, the developers did the obvious thing and remade it for modern consoles and added a touch of new content. This content includes such wonderful features as a lot of elevators, an informative ride on the game narrated by Alex Hirsch, and The Jump Circle, where the main character could JUMP (Limited to 30 uses).

Later in subsequent play-throughs more content appears to provide some commentary on how cheap re-releases can be and how they ruin franchises and blah blah blah. But consider maybe the game was right all along. In an epilogue for the game, you find text saying the developers promise no more re-releases to “Preserve the integrity of the franchise”. What a load of nonsense, if the money printer isn’t broken why turn it off?

There’s even a computer in the game that agrees with this point and encourages this. Even going as far as to say, “Screw the legacy! Let’s keep making Stanley Parable games until the sun explodes! Let’s run this franchise into the ground, let’s drag it through the mud and back.”

Now some may say this is also a commentary on how bland and soulless re-releases. How they’re nothing more than somebody trying to cash in on nostalgia. But I say that computer was right, burn the legacy down till all that’s left are ashes. As that same computer so eloquently put it, “And if people hate it? Who Cares?” – By Myles Conlon

 

Heroes Of The Storm

Forget watching paint dry while waiting in eternal MOBA queues, we need to remember the groundbreaking innovation in matchmaking that Heroes Of the Storm brought to the table. The game’s algorithm was so advanced that it took inspiration from a mystical oracle, pairing you with teammates whose skill levels ranged from beginner to esports champion.

It was a true rollercoaster of emotion, as you never knew whether you were about to witness the breathtaking toxicity of a prodigy or marvel at the strategic genius of someone who just discovered what a keyboard is. A Heroes Of The Storm remake is the best opportunity to relive these gorgeous moments of malignant unpredictability, proving once again the game was truly ahead of its time. – Tyler A.

Pong

Graphics matter, people. Pong fanatics like to insist that the retro aesthetic is part of the charm, but I find no charm in being outdated. Apparently, Pong is supposed to simulate a game of table tennis. Excuse me, but are there any table tennis players in the image up there? No, those are lines. I don’t care if they programmed it on a pile of rocks, that’s just terrible art direction. Pac-Man was a circle but at least they didn’t try to say he was a damn baseball player.

Here’s a short list of other necessary updates for this POS to be even slightly playable: button remapping, rollback netcode, Gamecube controller support, an open-world campaign with incredibly forced RPG elements, a Nintendo Switch port that barely functions, a 200 song soundtrack, a sound test for the 200 song soundtrack, a link on the main menu to buy the 200 song soundtrack, and Mr Beast.

I’m done ranting now. I’m gonna go play my favorite game, Pong – by TJ Main

 

Dark Alliance (2001)

Back in 2001, console gamers looking for a well-polished hack n’ slash adventure had a handful of options, but Dark Alliance was dead set on being one of the best. I know, I know, they rebooted this franchise a couple years ago, but that version feels nothing like how a spiritual successor to the series or a proper sequel should feel. God knows why they decided to breathe life into it some 20 years later while opting for waist-level camera movement and buttrock dad atmosphere, but I suppose big game studios are bound to torture us with decisions like this on a quarterly basis.

The cool thing is that Dark Alliance was the first video game to use the Dungeons and Dragons 3rd Edition rules, taking the intricate tabletop details and funneling them into streamlined leveling and questing that anyone and their annoying little brother could pick up. Sure, it received some hate for being a little too simple, a dumbed-down Baldur’s Gate II, if you will, but the game was at its best when it let you go a bit mindless while smashing kobolds and slimes with a mace until your button-thumb hurt. Just one rudimentary storyline, three classes, and a few dozen enemy types to beat to a pulp throughout the game’s 40 or so levels. Perfect. – by Ian Guyette

Mario Superstar Baseball

Mario Superstar Baseball is absolutely the greatest Mario sports title ever released. There is still a lively esports community built around this game some 20 years after its release. Nintendo attempted to recreate its bountiful magic with Mario Super Sluggers on the Wii, but anyone who has experienced the joy of Superstar knows that the sequel is nothing in comparison. The GameCube version is a more raw baseball sim that I pray every single night gets a remake, or at the very least, a new coat of paint in a remaster. I’d even take a 10 FPS port at this point. Just let me first pick Bowser against my friends in online play Nintendo, you greedy scumbags. – by Lawrence Scotti

Animal Crossing

There’s been a lot of ranting on this list. I know how easy it is to get worked up when talking about your favorite games, so I’m gonna try to keep this one real mellow. I’m not even going to ask for a real remake or a remaster. I don’t need anything fancy, just a version of the original game that is easy to play on a modern console. I don’t want to have to hack anything; I don’t want to use an emulator and end up accidentally downloading the European version of the ROM so that the time and date are all weird; and I don’t want to dig through the closet to find my old GameCube. I just want to turn on my Switch and play “Animal Crossing.”

And no, “New Horizons” doesn’t count. I don’t care about crafting or flying to special islands. I don’t want to build a picture-perfect house filled with beautiful, realistic-looking furniture. I want exactly two enormous rooms filled with so much garrish junk that they make Pee Wee’s Playhouse look like a funeral home. I don’t want to dress up my island until it’s good enough for us to roll out the red carpet for superstar K.K. Slider. No, I want to watch that hobo busk outside of the train station while sitting on an apple crate. Yeah, I *want* Resetti to yell at me.

I’m sorry, I didn’t really keep my cool, there, did I? I just get so heated knowing that all my favorite villagers are locked up on a memory card that’s been obsolete for 20 years. It’s horrifying to see their hollowed-out but perfectly-rendered shells traipsing about my new island in high definition. It feels wrong. So, please, Nintendo. Give me the original “Animal Crossing” again. I just want my friends back. – by Kyle Duggan

Space Station Silicon Valley

As it stands currently, this is one of those games that you just had to be there for. When I describe it to other people, they don’t believe me that it was real. When I remember it myself, it just feels like a fever dream.

Space Station Silicon Valley takes place on what is effectively Noah’s Ark in space, except with robotic animals instead, and zero biblical affiliation. After an experiment gone wrong, Silicon Valley launches into space and immediately vanishes. A thousand years later, it is once again found when your ship suddenly crash lands into it. Once inside, you control a robot’s missing microchip, scattered from the debris of the crash, that can effectively jump from animal to animal, each with their own unique abilities and weapons. There are various different biomes to explore, each hosting a wide variety of critters and surprises. The fun never ends!

The team behind this game went on to make the Grand Theft Auto series. Obviously they’ve learned a thing or two about game design since then, so I see no harm in delaying GTA 6 for another five years so they can focus on and really polish up a gigantic, open-world Space Station Silicon Valley remake. Let’s make this happen, people! -by Kevin Podas

Ski or Die

Ahh 1990… the greatest year in the history of mankind. Also happened to be the greatest year in my life as well!

This pioneer of open-world games taught me how to ski jump. I can’t tell you enough how much that meant to me. Showing my ski jumping skills to my friends at the snow pit was a pivotal moment in my life. Something that defined me for the rest of my life. I got even better playing “Ski or Die” when I was home for 2 months with a broken leg. Those days will never come back but they are right here in my heart.

The realism of this game was so high level that it is quite impossible to imagine how today’s “technology” can do the same. Good luck with that Bethesda! Ski Or Die pretty much defined the graphical standard of video games for years to come. The penguins in the half-pipe were just like in real life. They still are.

I hope that in the new version you can buy beer from Rodney’s ski shop. The soundtrack needs to be modernized also. I’m thinking about Pig Destroyer bringing the songs to this century. Add multiplayer to this masterpiece and we have a game of the year. Sorry… game of the century.

Jeepers creepers’ yourself, buddy. – by Matt Youngspruce

LEGO Rock Raiders

While Manic Miners is a fan remake, an official remake is warranted. This is truly the pinnacle of early LEGO Computer games. Whilst LEGO Island and LEGO Racers 2 pushed the limits of LEGO gameplay, LEGO Rock Raiders stands unopposed. Even against the modern LEGO Star Wars games, which totally stink in comparison, LEGO Rock Raiders comes out on top. So many of the cool vehicles and secrets and missions kept me in some of the levels just so I could see them all in action.

LEGO Gaming Technology™ has come so far since this game was released in 1999. Surely, a new LEGO Rock Raiders game would be a smash hit and beloved by all. Surely, it will reignite that child-like innocence I lost after becoming an adult. If this game got remade, I would cry tears of joy. I would finally be able to confront my troubled past with my therapist and come to terms with my childhood trauma. I would reach nirvana.

Please LEGO Company. I am begging you. – by Max Schuhmacher

Alpha Protocol

I’ve never been one to be enthusiastic about something simply because it makes sense and is novel, but sincerely: how was “ESPIONAGE RPG” something that was only given a single try?! Yes, it was a buggy mess, yes the branching story is a bit more filling in blanks than actually solving a mystery, and yes the weapon and combat balance, especially in boss fights, was a bad joke, BUT…NONE OF THOSE are problems that couldn’t be ironed out in a remake or remaster of one of the best ideas ever in videogames. Matt Rorie Presents: Alpha Protocol balances stealth-focused gameplay with a twisting narrative and missions driven by previous choices and methods for dealing with previous issues. It also has some sharp writing and a wide variety of oddball characters, including entire missions where you ONLY talk your way through a situation, that still has yet to be duplicated in the space. But mostly: it’s a completely untapped setting of a near-future spy thriller done in something other than an FPS or adventure game.

It also ruined “Turn Up the Radio” by Autograph for me, and others should have to have that experience as well. Corey Arder

Couch Co-Op

This is a couch. It’s not a special couch. It’s not a weird casting couch or something. It’s just a couch. You may remember it as the place for you and your friends to park your butts when playing video games together. Video games. Together. In person. Feels weird to think about now, right?

Oh, but once upon a time, it was the norm! Video games came with built-in local multiplayer functionality! You didn’t need to wait for a patch, or a DLC, or the inevitable bad news that local co-op wasn’t going to be supported this time—it was right there already, included as a feature at launch. Imagine that? Going over to your friend’s house to play video games was a thing normal people did! Eating new snacks that you didn’t have at your own house! Introducing a physical element to video games, like smacking the controller out of your friend’s hand at a crucial moment! Pretending to be a much better kid than you actually were to impress that one friend’s particularly comely mother! Of all the times to be alive, that was certainly one of them.

But now, like the pyramids of the Ancient Egyptians, the concrete of the Romans, Greek fire, or holding the door open for a stranger, the technology for local co-op video games is lost to us, and we are all poorer for it. – Lobster Jackson

MOTHER 3

“Who is Ness?” “Have you ever played EarthBound?”

You may have heard these words before. Heck, you may have had a cosplaying fan come up to you spouting “Blue, Blue” and “JOIN US, WE’RE A COOL CULT.” Regardless of whether or not you have played EarthBound, it’s available to us on multiple consoles. Well, only one of them still has it usable unless you bought it previously, but game preservation is a separate discussion. No, what we want you to really play is MOTHER 3, the sequel to EarthBound. Join us! Heck, it’s even enjoyable as a stand-alone experience that can make you cry! Sadly, other than an amazing but unofficial translation (go find it!), it’s never been released in English. A remake would be a fantastic way to find yourself crying at cartoony graphics and ambiguously-gendered magic people. Just join us.

What awaits the player is Simple JRPG gameplay with extra depth, amazing music, and a story that rivals the best games out there with its emotional impact. Join us in a good cry. Plus, we’d get to be upset about a silly renaming, like “EarthBound: Resolutions” or “EarthBound: The Last Chapter?” Trust me, just join us! Join us. JOIN US. – By Kayla Shaw Endo

Glover

There’s just something about a Glover remake that’s got me tickled pink. I need this glove’s vacant eyes to peer into my soul as I watch a stupid ball tumble down the hill out of grasp for the hundredth time. Sure, there could be something to say about interesting ideas being swallowed up by frustrating design and missed potential to justify why I’d want Glover remade, but it really is just because I think the glove guy’s funny. – by Ezra Tsao

Mcdonald’s Treasure Land Adventure (Genesis)

This is the first game finished (second game released) by Treasure, the company that also made classics like Gunstar Heroes, Mischief Makers, and Ikaruga. So it’s a piece of Treasure’s history that should get remade. It is also a game that I loved as a kid, assumed as an adult it had to be bad shovelware, but I played it again and… it was still pretty fun! It’s a short, trippy 2D platformer with Ronald McDonald attacking enemies with long distance clown magic, cleverly designed bosses which are only vulnerable when they are munching on one of the jewels that represent your health (requiring dodging most of their attacks but getting hit on purpose by a specific one), ballerina dancers dancing in a tunnel; you know, all the staples of a classic game. And don’t worry; you DO go to space. The most bizarre part of the game, and it’s a core to why this strange little game should return, is how little it has to do with McDonalds; the enemies, bosses, and game ideas are barely attached to the McDonald’s property, and it’s so weird. You do get to meet up with the Hamburgerlar (and other mascot character) at exactly one point during the levels each, and just that is neat. -by Andrew Fields

Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition

Sure, there’s a lot of racing games out there I could play right now. If I wanted a realistic experience with stunning graphics, I’d play a Forza game or Gran Turismo 7. If I wanted to live like that handsome devil Daniel Ricciardo, I’d boot up F1 23. And if I wanted to throw bob-ombs and kill Dry Bones, Mario Kart 8 is ready to go. But I don’t want any of that.

I just want to pretend it’s 2006 and Pimp My Ride is still on TV and Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift is still in theaters. While any Midnight Club game would fill that void, Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition has a special place in my heart. I spent countless hours tricking out my Saleen SR just to drift it into a building with pixelated windows. The PSP version of this game is the reason I had glasses in the second grade. Rockstar, I am on my hands and knees, please stop trying to make GTA racing work. Society (me) needs you to remake this game or at the very least, reboot the series. – by Neel Bhakta

Resident Evil 3

Look, I actually liked the remake of Resident Evil 3 a lot more than most people, but it could have been so much more. Uptown and the clocktower got totally gutted, which is a shame because they were some of my favorite parts of the original. Nemesis encounters all feel a bit too scripted, and the removal of the live selection mechanic seriously hurts replayability, which is a core aspect of the franchise. So I say, why not just remake it again? Restore the cut content and give this fantastic game what it deserves. Who says you can’t make a remake of a remake? The Last of Us did it, surely Capcom can do it too. – by Alex Kitsinger

Midtown Madness

Two years before Grand Theft Auto 3 revolutionized the world of driving cars with unbridled recklessness and jumping them into various of bodies of water, Midtown Madness ruled this space. Sure, it was kind of a racing game, but more importantly, you could speed, jump, and crash… into water.

Of course, there were sequels. Midtown Madness 2 was a very important game because I played it a lot, and “sleeping with the fishes” got even better. And then, Midtown Madness 3, which was not very important because I can’t really remember playing that one at all. Maybe it was on a console I didn’t have. Either way, zero stars.

But now that I’m older, I crave a nice quiet evening of crashing a Freightliner Century truck into a lake. I have since moved on to GTA5, where you can do things like jumping cars into planes and crashing them both into the ocean. But it’ll never hit like being eleven, sitting in front of a brand new Compaq, and jumping a Mustang GT over a drawbridge into an oncoming city bus. And then, obviously, having them both fall into a river.

So let’s give this franchise the remake it so desperately deserves. I don’t need all these distracting missions and side quests. Just give me a fast car, a ramp, and a body of water. And maybe some beautiful new water textures. – By Matt McInerney

Mr. Mosquito

Over the decades, we’ve embodied everything from a speedy little blue hedgehog, to a time-traveling cat, to a cherub that can possess the bodies of sex workers and sewer rats. So it should come as no surprise that there was once a game that had you playing a pesky little mosquito with a blood-sucking agenda in Mister Mosquito, aka Mr Moskeeto.

There has never been a game that mentioned ‘sucking’ in the intro as many times as this game did, almost 22 years ago in 2002. And there never will be. At least not until this masterpiece from the PS2’s Japanese catalog is remade anew! Photorealistic 4K sucking I say!

We got lucky the first time, when Eidos Interactive thought it was cool to release oddball games like this beyond the shores of Japan, but we don’t need to rely on corporate ideating any longer. Make it Unreal, and just toss it up on every digital store. You know it will be free on the Epic Games Store inside of three months, maybe even on launch! – by Michelle Pereira

The Simpsons Arcade Game

You’ll have to trust me on this, children, the Simpsons was once amazing.

The style, the intelligence, and the satire were all brilliant. And it was the funniest show in decades. In the first year of existence, it was also a monoculture merchandising juggernaut—clothes, toys, and music were everywhere. But it all came out before the humor and characters hit their stride, so it all feels a little first draft. Just look at the lukewarm “Simpsons Sing The Blues” cash grab album or the incisive wit of, “Underachiever and Proud Of It,” and it’s easy to dismiss. However, in those early years, Konami released one of the best arcade cabinet side-scrolling beat-em-ups of all time, using the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Engine. It was a classic arcade fixture that didn’t reach home consoles for another decade.

While the tv show went from perfect to occasionally okay, every Simpsons video game has been either one of the worst of all time to occasionally okay, with the exception of the original arcade game.

The problem is the game is too generic, with mischaracterization, and gags too weak for the show. The gameplay is solid! So, drop in some of the classic sign gags and storefronts, drop in some fan favorite NPCs, bring in some Hank Scorpios and Sideshow Bobs as bosses, and add some other player characters and Gen X will use their kids’ college tuition to buy this day one.

Much like the show, the Konami is not what it used to be, so someone like Tribute Games should snatch up the license, boot the lazy Boomer Lampoon alums and Nepo babies, hire some comedy nerds, and reskin the game, update the animation, and reap the nostalgia cash. – By: Dan Bookbinder

GTA VI Revealed to Use GTA V Map But With Added Sky Islands and New Underworld

NEW YORK — The first bits of information about GTA VI are finally coming out. While many may have been hoping the hotly anticipated game to take us back to Vice City, it turns out we’ll remain in Los Santos, but now with Sky Islands and an underground network to explore.

This may not be the news many GTA fans were hoping for but Rockstar President Sam Houser assures that it will be a worthy follow-up.

“Obviously people have been waiting a long time for this game so they might be wanting a new location but that’s a lot of work,” said Houser. “This game cost a billion dollars to make, we need to ensure it sells and we know people already love Los Santos. But we didn’t want to give them the exact same map so the new Sky Islands and Underworld area will add a ton to the experience.”

Houser says that these new areas will provide new opportunities for exploration and discovery that will give players a profoundly different experience than GTA V.

“You’ll not only be able to visit all your favorite places and do your favorite activities in Los Santos but now you can hop in a plane or helicopter and your struggle with the controls will mean something because you can travel to the Sky Islands,” Houser explained.

“On the islands will be the exact same types of activities as there are on the ground but now they’re in the sky so it’s different. And if you get sick of that you can go explore the underground which is essentially an all new map the same size as Los Santos. There’s nothing to do down there and you can’t see anything but it’s cool.”

Rockstar gameplay designer Andrew Becker explained how they came to this decision.

“Honestly we spent so much time working on the soundtrack that we didn’t have time to make a new map. So we just threw these cool Islands together, made an underground and worked around that. We know people will buy it anyway.”

As of press time Rockstar is currently figuring out ways to monetize these new areas in the online mode.

Contributing writing by Colton B Casey.

With GTA 6 Right Around the Corner, Here is Everything We Know About GTA 7

Grand Theft Auto is the 5th best-selling video game franchise in the world and the recent announcement of 6 has garnered attention from all corners of the internet. Now that it has it’s announcement of an announcement, GTA VI has lost the luster and mystique around its now inevitable release. Thus it is time now to look even further forward, towards GTA VII

This will be an entry in the Grand Theft Auto franchise

What may not be entirely apparent but the “GTA” in GTA VII is an acronym for Grand Theft Auto. So knowing this, we know that this game will take place within the Grand Theft Auto extended universe.

Dubious and criminal actions will play a major role in the plot and gameplay

Grand Theft Auto is not only the name of the franchise, but also the name of a type of crime. A crime in which “the thief intends to deprive the owner of the vehicle permanently.” So we can safely assume that crime will play a large role in the game’s overall loop.

The Shark Cards will remain overpriced for what the money gets you

Seriously, these things are so expensive. $100 USD will get you $10 million in GTA bucks. At one point that would get you pretty far. The best heist at the start of the heist update cost about $25K to set up and could reward nearly $2 million. But these days most content makes the $10 million look like nothing. Getting all 5 Motorcycle Club businesses upgraded costs $10 million GTA bucks. To do military heists requires a military base that can cost close to $3 million GTA bucks. And then the vehicles. Planes costing up to $10 million a hangar to house the planes you own costing up to $3 million, Rocket bike at $8 million, Dominic Toreto’s gun-car for $6 million, flying car for $5 million, tanks for $4 million, and Yacht’s for $6 million and it even costs $25k to move it! Seriously, $100 REAL USD gets you a fraction of the content.

The fanbase will be looking for teasers of VII in VI

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing will satiate this fanbase. They have been starving for a new entry for so long that even a new game release will not be enough to satisfy them. It is like feeding a man on the brink of death a half a slice of toast. They will start to look for any indication of GTA VII in every asset in the game. They will comb over every pixel in an attempt to find a crumb towards GTA VII, all without ever finishing the story mode for VI.

Online will continue being a second full time job to be able to fund and access all of the content they add

If you aren’t willing to shell out the money for the content listed above, get ready, because this is your 5 to 9 after your 9 to 5. The amount of time it takes to earn money is astronomical. And the time will only grow as they add more content in GTA VII.

Players will follow appropriate traffic laws when they get bored

We have all done this, and this will just be another entry in which we do it. Especially when your 5 to 9 gets tiring. Do not lie to us, and especially yourself.

The location of GTA VII being a geological average of the GTA VI speculated locations

The photo of the house rumor in the San Andreas remake and the “I <3 VC” towels in GTA V could mean that VII may be somewhere in the two locations. That’s right GTA Nebraska. Grand Theft Corn baby!

It will most likely come out after GTA VI (rumored)

Due to VII coming after VI in numerical order means that this entry will most likely be coming out at some point after GTA VI releases.

GTA VII release year (speculative)

Now if we assume a trend is occurring in the GTA release schedule, we can try and calculate the potential release year for GTA VII. There are two potential trends we see in the cadence of releases.

The first trend bars the release of the non-numbered entries in the franchise. With GTA originally coming out in 1997, GTA II in 1999, GTA III in 2001, GTA IV in 2008, and GTA V in 2013, and assuming GTA VI in 2024, we can see that the release years have gaps of 2,2,7,5,11 respectively. The trend follows being 2 close / relatively similar years then a spike that is increasing by 1 year after the coupled years. Gaps of 2 and 2 years jumping to 7 years (a 5 year gap) and then gaps of 7 and 5 years jumping to 11 years (a spike of 6 years). We can assume the gap between releases is going to be close to 11 years, so we could expect GTA VII roughly in the years between 2033 to 2037. Also leading to the next spike of 7 years occuring, meaning GTA VIII coming out anytime between 2041 and 2057.

The second trend includes all of the mainline releases in the GTA franchise. We insert Vice City in 2002 and San Andreas in 2004 the gaps are 2,2,1,2,4,5,11 years respectively. We can assume a slightly ascending nature with a massive leap from 5 to 11 years gap. Following this ascending nature from the 11 year gap point, then lets average the years prior, which gives us a 2.67 year gap. So let’s say the next gap is going to be this 11 + 2.67 average and round up to 14 years. So we can assume that GTA VII is going to come out in 2036.

20 ‘Homestar Runner’ References to Really Show Your Age With

Many have fond memories of the surrealist Flash animated web series Homestar Runner– if you are of a certain age bracket. With the death of Adobe Flash, today’s generation can never understand the absolute hype of Strong Bad Email Mondays, the thrill of a new ‘toon being added, or the sheer excitement of the splash page being updated with all new graphics, animations, and quotes. So with all that being said, here are 20 Homestar Runner references to bust out in conversation and instantly age yourself with.

#1 — Teen Girl Squad theme song

If you’re between the ages of roughly 30 to 40 and spent your time afterschool watching Homestar Runner on the family computer, then you likely have the theme song to Strong Bad’s magnum opus “Teen Girl Squad” committed to memory. “Cheerleader! So-and-So! What’s Her Face! The Ugly One!” Just expect to get some stares from younger people looking at you like the fossil you are now. Arrowed!!

#2 — Jorrrrb

I had an uncle who talked like Coach Z, with that thick, working-class Chicago accent. I never got to ask him if he also couldn’t say the word “job”, but as many of us who enjoyed Homestar Runner and are rapidly approaching middle-age know, Coach Z sure couldn’t say it! Go ahead– try saying “jorrrrrb” in front of some teenagers. You’ll find yourself on a Tik Tok cringe compilation so fast your head will spin.

#3 — “Are you asking for a challeeeenge?!”

This is still hilarious, but it was even funnier back in the day when anime was still fairly niche and rare to see parodied– at least by people who “got it”. So with that being said, Stinkoman (Strongbad’s 20X6 counterpart) dialogue is so instantly quotable that it’s insane. Well, only to people who are quickly waving goodbye to their youth, that is.

#4 — Li’l Brudder

This tragic figure makes everyone cry except for Strong Bad– he finds it hilarious. You know, because he is such a cool and awesome guy. “He’s gonna be all right! He’s gonna be a quarterback!” People might not know what on earth you’re talking about if you quote this and will definitely check you into a retirement home if you say any of this out loud.

#5 — Eh! Steve!

I have a friend named Steve, and when I found out in middle school that he also liked Homestar Runner, this is how I would greet him in computer class. I didn’t have many other friends at the time, mind you, and if I told you how long ago this happened, that alone would absolutely age me.

#6 — Cold ones

It’s the weekend: you and some similarly-aged pals crack open a few cold ones, and someone who also spent their formative years online in the early 2000s is bound to say “a one that isn’t cold, is scarcely a one at all.” Unless of course they are under the age of 30, in which case, you’re on your own there, buddy.

#7 — “Coach Z, how come you don’t dance no more?”

One of several absolute bops from the Homestar Runner soundtrack, Coach Z’s “Hip Hop Dance” is deeply and concerningly ingrained into my mind and probably will be for the rest of my life– or what’s left of it, at least.

#8 — Señor Cardgage

“Bad credit?” “No probalo!” The Señor Cardgage mortgage commercial plays on repeat in my head for free. Now while I can’t exactly complain about free at-will entertainment, I do have to sometimes wonder why I’ve forgotten other things I saw from those same years, such as most of what I learned in school. Oh well– no probalo!

#9 — “I can do it. I can do it NINE TIMES!”

In a hilarious meta joke, The Cheat makes his own Flash animation based on the Flash animated world he lives in. Of course it is naturally going to be of lesser quality, where the animation is worse and the plot revolves around Strong Bad kicking Homestar in the head nine times, but it’s an interesting lens to view art from within art itself. Especially if, as you guessed it, you are old now.

#10 — “It’s dot com”

If you had ever clicked on the “first time here” button on the site’s splash page, you no doubt remember being taken to a charming little “mockumentary” video where Homestar flubs his lines trying to say the site’s URL. Awww, he’s so stupid. His line delivery is so memorable though, that unfortunately for the site, I’ve typed in the “dot net” URL on accident many times. “It’s dot com, you idiot!” I say to myself hoping my brain hasn’t begun to deteriorate from old age.

#11 — “Your head a splode”

When asked what kind of awesome video game he would make in one of the Strong Bad Emails segments, Strong Bad instantly came up with a cheap virtual reality game where a big 3D head shoots at you and when you die, says “your head a splode.” This was spoofing retro video games by being both a Virtual Boy reference and a reference to common mistranslations in early games from Japan. If this doesn’t track for you at all, congrats, you’re probably young!

#12 — Fhqwhgads

If you’re still young, you probably read that and thought a cat walked across my keyboard. But as true oldheads know, Fhqwhgads is a number one summer jam. Maybe if they put this song in Stranger Things or something, then kids would check it out and listen to it. Oh god, now I really am starting to sound old.

#13 — Strong Badia

Strong Badia is a sovereign nation located behind the dumpsters and ruled over by Strong Bad, of course. The population includes only a single tire, and they even have their own national anthem and flag. A real life version of the flag is for sale on the Homestar Runner store, and more than once have I had to talk myself out of buying it, knowing that it would surely solidify the aging process that has already taken a strong hold on me.

#14 — Yearly Halloween specials

Yes, you may shout, “The Simpsons did it!” But right when The Simpsons started to suck, Homestar Halloween filled that void. I remember checking my computer right around Halloween time every year, hoping that the new special would be uploaded. And when it was, boy was it exciting to see what everyone dressed up as. “Wow, look at that! Bubs is dressed up like Coach McGuirk from Home Movies, another thing that people my age still like to reference!”

#15 — Holding down the Tab key

Homestar Runner was way ahead of its time, providing interactive media before that was really a thing. Well, aside from video games that is, and eventually there even were some Homestar video games! But there were also many hidden things to click on during ‘toons. A little pro tip shared around for those in the know was to hold down the Tab key when watching, as it would highlight all clickable elements! Kids today could never.

#16 — The Poopsmith

Can you believe there was a character whose entire job was shoveling poop? Classic “lol so random” humor. You just had to be there, kids.

#17 — The system is down

My friends and I had a funny gag of turning on and off the lights and pretending to do that noise The Cheat makes when him and Strong Bad make a techno song together. Naturally someone else would chime in with “The system. Is down. The system. Is down.” Ah, to be young again.

#18 — Fluffy Puff Marshmallows

I think I actually asked my parents if they could buy marshmallows from the grocery store because I saw this cartoon. Turns out, not exactly the greatest snacking food. Still, Homestar did a great job selling the audience on Fluffy Puff Marshmallows, an in-universe marshmallow brand that is referenced periodically. Hey, I’d still eat marshmallows today if I could. Just not sure if my gut could handle them anymore.

#19 — The original Mario Paint shorts

The first ever episodes of Homestar Runner were made in 1996 on Mario Paint. I don’t know if you’ve ever played Mario Paint (maybe you’re young), but that is an incredibly tedious task, and the fact that they were able to record the video feed onto a VHS tape and then record dialogue over it is an impressive feat unto itself. If you’re reading this and feeling any sort of warm fuzzies from it in any way, I have one word for you: OLD!

#20 — Trogdor the Burninator

The Trogdor theme song may as well be the millennial anthem, let’s be honest with ourselves. If you were someone who grew up in the early 2000s and were aware of Homestar Runner’s existence but had never bothered to watch it, you were at least familiar with Trogdor the Burninator. Easily one of the best gags to come out of the series at large, this dragon with a muscly human arm on its back has remained in our hearts and minds forever, which goes to show that there’s nothing wrong with aging. It brings us wisdom, it brings us recollection, and– oh, who am I kidding. I’d do anything to go back to being that kid at the computer again with so much youth left to look forward to!

Amazon Delivery Drones Now Being Equipped With V.A.T.S. Targeting System

Exciting news from Amazon this week as they unveil new plans for their upcoming delivery drone program. Jeff Bezos has announced that each and every drone will be equipped with the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System or V.A.T.S. for short.

“We’re extremely excited to roll out our new delivery drones in 2024 and I’m personally ecstatic that we’ll be able to implement this new technology as well” Bezos said in his statement, while dressed in a red smoking jacket on the balcony of his penthouse, “Our drones will be able to delivery our customers packages with pinpoint accuracy!” he said as he fired a rifle at passersby on the street below.

Bezos wanted to emphasize that V.A.T.S. was primarily just being used to help eliminate possible errors and ensure packages were delivered to the correct addresses, however when pressed about the other capabilities of the targeting system he didn’t shy away from revealing the lethality of the project.

“Well of course the drones will be fully armed, we can’t take any chances can we?” Bezos said as he took a deep inhale from some sort of hallucinogen he referred to later as Jet, “What if a pack of feral ghouls show up and try to steal your toilet paper or noise canceling headphones? Not gonna happen! We’ll shoot those mother fuckers in the head! What if a group of raiders tries to take your baby’s new Amazon Kindle?! Wouldn’t it be easier to cripple their legs instantly so they can’t take a single step closer?”

It’s a bit unclear what made Amazon rush to make this drastic change to the design of their delivery drones, though many speculate it’s inspired by the launch of their new Fallout series to be released next year. One unnamed cast member has said that Bezos actually visited the set, and after a while began to act strangely,

“He kept asking everyone to refer to him as the Overseer, it was really strange,” our source on set told us, “The weirder thing was when I was negotiating my contract with him he kept trying to pay me in bottle caps. I really couldn’t tell if all this was some sort of elaborate joke only a crazed billionaire would try to pull off or if he had just blurred the lines between reality and the game.”

Either way it seems Prime members are in for a rad new experience and Bezos promises the show and the drones will have a 100% chance to hit.