MINNEAPOLIS — In a disturbing revelation that has left acquaintances confused and appalled, local man Kevin Whittaker, 34, has admitted to deriving significantly more joy from the board game aspects of the Mario Party franchise than from the mini-games, disgusted sources report.
“We did a game night last weekend, and after a few drinks I suggested we play ‘Super Mario Party’ on my Switch. Everyone was totally down to just do some mini games except Kevin,” explained Steph Miller, a friend of Whittaker’s. “He insisted we play a 30-round game on Whomp’s Domino Ruins or he was going to leave. He said doing a full match is the only way to, ‘separate the strategic masterminds from the button-mashing rubes,’ whatever the hell that means. It didn’t even matter since we ended up quitting after like 7 rounds because Leslie fell asleep.”
Whittaker says he’s simply been misunderstood.
“Look, I get why the mini games are appealing in theory. But I’m a refined gamer who likes to think and plan and strategize, not to mention sabotage. I refuse to be some single-celled amoeba who just hops up and down on the A button as fast as I can until I keel over,” Whittaker explained, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “At its core, Mario Party is not a series of sprints. It’s a marathon full of twists and turns and tactical decisions, and I’m a cunning long distance runner. Leslie really showed her lack of stamina, that’s for sure.”
Leslie Turnell, the friend-of-a-friend who couldn’t stay awake, rebutted Whittaker’s point of view.
“I literally just wanted to play nostalgic mini games like Pushy Penguins and Hot Rope Jump. It was one in the goddamn morning and we’re all in our thirties,” she explained. “And I wish we had done that because Kevin totally took things too seriously. He was doing mental math calculating the odds of each of us winning after every turn based on the current star and coin distributions and shit like that. Of course I passed out—he turned playing Mario Party with friends into playing Monopoly with a real estate broker.”
At press time, Whittaker was seen researching every star spawn point for all playable Mario Party maps in case he finds a new group of friends willing to play it with him.
AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Joe Miles dismissed a key piece of evidence from the divorce proceedings between John Wainwright and his now ex-wife, Sarah, courtroom sources confirmed.
“You’d be surprised at how many of these guys I see with the same defense,” said the Honorable Judge Joe Miles. “He started making his case to me by saying how ‘us straight white males have to look out for each other.’ He wouldn’t stop referring to his wife’s attorney as a ‘DEI hire,’ and he threw a full-on tantrum when he noticed that the bailiff’s fingernails were painted. We tried to tell Mr. Wainwright that he’s a single dad and lets his five-year-old daughter paint his nails as a bonding activity, but he just kept going on about rainbow flags in ‘Spider-Man.’ It was incoherent.”
Sarah Wainwright was stunned at her ex-husband’s insistence that “woke games” were the root of the problems with their marriage.
“He doesn’t even play video games that often,” Mrs. Wainwright recalled. “He spends most of his day on Twitter. I could not get through to him while he was typing. Watching someone become so furious, typing and talking to himself was—I’m sorry. It was terrifying to watch him spiral. And, of course, I became the enemy. That’s the whole reason he wanted me to pay alimony: I had ‘gone woke,’ and must therefore now, ‘go broke.”
Wainwright’s attorneys were disappointed with the Judge’s decision to dismiss such a crucial component to their case, and were sure that things would have turned out differently if it weren’t for their key witness refusing to show up in court.
“I think it speaks volumes that Mr. Druckmann refused to come in for questioning,” Attorney Matt Hogan stated. “If he weren’t somewhat responsible for what has happened here, why not come in and clear that up? Really makes you think about what he could possibly be hiding.”
At press time, Wainwright was reportedly satisfied to receive full custody of his Warhammer 40K figurines, despite being denied any visitation rights with his children.
TARTARUS — After untold centuries of grinding, Sisyphus’s divine punishment was briefly alleviated this week after the Greek King of Ephyra finally unlocked the gold boulder cosmetic, sources report.
“It feels so worth it,” said Sisyphus, muscles gleaming with sweat and centuries of dried blood as he braced his back against the shiny gold boulder. “I’ve been rolling this damn rock up the hill for thousands of years, ever since Zeus hit me with the ban hammer for team killing and cheats. Since then I’ve logged hundreds of hours on this hill, and it’s about time I got something nice in return for my hard work. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda carrying here. The Titans are spectating cucks. Typhon has no comms. I’m up here soloing this shit. The very least I deserve is a tacky cosmetic that lets everyone know I have no meaningful social life and my self-esteem is in the gutter.”
“Oh yeah, sometimes I catch them staring,” continued Sisyphus, referring to the hundred-armed Hecatonchires, the abyssal dungeon’s guards. “I think they’re jealous of my boulder. It looks so freakin’ good now with that skin. I could push it for another hundred years and still be tweaking. Can you imagine that? Sisyphus, happy?”
Other prisoners of Tartarus expressed frustration, however, saying they were less than pleased with the look of Sisyphus’s newly equipped cosmetic.
“That’s the ugliest shit I ever seen,” said Tantalus, who faces punishment for cutting up his son, boiling him, and serving him as food to the Gods, among other unsportsmanlike conduct. “Look, I won’t pretend Tartarus is lacking in eyesores. It’s not Olympus down here. Most mornings, I can’t enjoy my unreachable fruit and forever-receding water without taking in some new abomination. Tityos stretched out like a pancake. Phlegyas entombed and starved before an eternal feast. Ixion tied to a winged flaming wheel in the sky just for trying to cop a feel. We’re all slaves to the grind down here, but that doesn’t mean we tolerate bad taste. As for my boulder, I prefer the base look. It’s classic.”
When asked to comment on Sisyphus, Zeus, the undisputed King of the Gods, was forced to admit the situation had gotten out of hand.
“He keeps asking me if I have a ‘roadmap’ for when he’s going to get new hills and boulders,” said Zeus, a God known for his radical views on unprotected sex with mortal women. “I keep saying ‘soon, soon’, but honestly? I’m swamped. Demigods don’t sire themselves, plus the wife’s always on my ass. The gold skin was my only idea, and it was supposed to be a joke. The worst part is I can’t even smite him anymore, because he likes it. He moans and praises the extra difficulty, saying ‘The real Sisyphus starts here’. I’ve told him—repeatedly—that he’s free to go, but the son of a bitch won’t leave. ‘After this roll,’ he says, and ‘One more roll.’ Gods, I want to kill him, but the bastard’s already dead.”
“I never should have made the boulder feedback so snappy and tactile,” mused Zeus. “Next time, I’ll just do the birds and liver bit. That hasn’t failed me yet.”
At press time, Zeus had announced a new Boulder Pass reward system that would come to Tartarus next season, which will allow prisoners to grind for new cosmetics, sprays, and punishments, with the “When In Rome” pack available upon completion as a free reskin of every God.
There were a few different games at this year’s PAX West that struck me as being inspired by labor issues, particularly those that spun out of the pandemic lockdowns in 2020. Some played it for laughs (Puzzle Depot), others for absurdity (Threshold), but they all draw on the experience of being an expendable, replaceable cog in the machine.
Mouthwashing starts there, but then pinwheels off into surreal insanity. Now available on Steam, it’s a short horror adventure game about, to simplify it dramatically, space truckers who are doomed from every angle. If you’re looking for something weird, creepy, and short to play for Halloween 2024, Mouthwashing is a decent pick.
Mouthwashing is set aboard the Tulpar, a space freighter with a 5-person crew. Six months into its latest shipping run, the captain deliberately crashes the ship in an attempt to kill everyone aboard. Instead, the rest of the crew survive without a scratch, while the captain is left badly mutilated.
The crash leaves most of the ship full of impact foam, which forces the crew into close quarters. They’ve got nothing to do but watch their supplies diminish and wait for a rescue that might never come. Out of desperation, they crack open the cargo hold in search of more supplies, and discover they were risking their lives to transport thousands of bottles of alcoholic mouthwash.
Now the crew of the Tulpar gets to be scared, frustrated, trapped, and since they’re not in a situation where they can be choosy about calories, always just a little drunk. Before long, you’re watching a bad situation get worse through the eyes of people who were already close to the breaking point. If you think you know how this will go, you’re probably only half right.
Mouthwashing tells the rest of its story through a series of short, interactive chapters, which frequently make big, unannounced jumps in time and space. You get to see the preparation for the trip, which is full of bad decisions and corporate neglect, and how it eventually leads up to the nightmare that the Tulpar becomes.
The parts of Mouthwashing that are set before the crash are some of its most effectively tense, as you see all the little frustrations of life aboard the ship start to compound on one another. Everything aboard the Tulpar is designed for maximum profit at the cost of maximum human damage; for example, there’s a poster on the wall that informs you that employees don’t get to sleep for longer than 5 hours at a time. This is what you’d get if Amazon made spaceships, and you can see the stress fractures coming from a long way off. It’s a wonder anyone in this setting ever lived long enough to complete one of these shipments.
In those more grounded moments, Mouthwashing is the kind of slow interactive adventure that people usually want to call a “walking simulator.” You stroll around the ship, talk to the crew, and solve a couple of simple problems. It’s well-told, with some solid turns of phrase, but it’s not much of a game.
As the characters begin to psychologically disintegrate, Mouthwashing takes that as a chance to get weirder, to the point where it changes genres several times. This doesn’t always work in its favor, like one scene that’s a poorly labeled stealth challenge, but it does make it hard to put down. It’s impossible to tell what’s going to happen next, or how.
That’s driven home by Mouthwashing’s scene transitions, which feel like they’ve been put into the game specifically to drive other game developers nuts. Mouthwashing never simply cuts to black when it could implement a graphic “tear” or a simulated audio glitch.
The effect is to make the game look like it just barely didn’t crash to desktop, as a visual reflection of the characters’ downward spiral, and they’re always timed to take you by surprise. It reminds me of the weirder insanity effects in Eternal Darkness for the GameCube, where the game would pretend to turn off your TV or format your memory card just to mess with you.
That’s one of a couple of dozen storytelling decisions that make me want to recommend Mouthwashing, but it does have one big point against it: it’s really short. A single run through the game might take you 2 to 3 hours. It’s good for a long, surreal evening, but after that, you’ve seen most of what it has to show you.
That’s not much of a drawback, though. Mouthwashing is effectively creepy in ways that most other games don’t bother to explore, and dodges a lot of the pitfalls of modern adventure games by moving too fast and being too weird to ever be dull. It’s going to stick with me for a while, both for its baroque gore and its modern style of corporate horror.
[Mouthwashing, developed by Wrong Organ and published by Critical Reflex, is now available on Steam for $13.99. This review was written using a copy of the game bought on Steam by Hard Drive.]
MOSCOW — In a stunning affront to tradition, a female assassin operating in the shadows of covert operations has revealed she was not, in fact, recruited from The Bolshoi Ballet Academy, or any dance studio for that matter, before embarking on her clandestine career, sources within to the underground circuit say.
“I was never much of a dancer so I started with combat training,” the woman, identified only as ‘Irina’ allegedly told US intelligence officers after being captured. “My handler nearly lost it when he found out—started shouting about how I tarnished the whole profession. He said that I’d never be able to break a man’s neck with my thighs. Why would I want to do that? Honestly, I am more of a gun girl anyway, I don’t know what a grand jeté has to do with taking out a target from 600 yards.”
Other female contract killers believe that Irina has left a stain on the profession of professional murder.
“Disgraceful! This is a blatant disregard for protocol and many in the organization are outright offended! I spent 15 years perfecting my plié before I even touched a weapon. This girl thinks she can just skip that? I mean, where’s the respect for the art?” an anonymous female Russian assassin stated. “The assassin world, especially in Russia, has long adhered to the established narrative that only women who can leap through the air, perform an arabesque, and throw a high-kick while doing a pirouette are worthy of becoming international killers-for-hire. Irina’s nonchalant dismissal of this time-honored tradition has offended the entire underworld. Ballet is as much a part of assassination as murder.”
Experts in the wetwork community have echoed these very sentiments.
“This not only marks a troubling shift in the profession but could also potentially alter the entire balance of global power. It is physiological impossible for a woman to fight someone without classical ballet training. Doctors have proved that,” said Dr. Viktor Sokolov, a historian specializing in the murder-for-hire industry. “To abandon the discipline of ballet is to strip away the grace and cultural depth that elevated these women beyond mere killers. Ballet teaches you patience, control, and the ability to strike from unexpected angles. Without it, you’re just another person with a knife—no elegance, no finesse.”
At press time, Irina has reportedly “gone dark” but a woman matching her description has been seen taking Beginner Ballet I at Madam Tutu’s Dance Academy in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
There’s only one real growth industry on this planet, and it’s human suffering. Welcome to Silent Hill. We appreciate your interest!
If you haven’t heard of us, we’re a yawning portal to unknowable terrors that dwells deep within the dark heart of New England’s tourism industry. (Are we in Maine? West Virginia? Pennsylvania? Nobody knows!)
For over 25 years, we’ve drawn in the lost, broken, and guilty from across North America, so we can run them through a lethal gauntlet that symbolizes their sins. If that sounds like fun to you, you might be Silent Hill material!
Are you the sort of person who can make magic happen with a coil of barbed wire and a few yards of cured human skin? Are you up for the challenge of completely renovating an apartment building into a bleeding industrial hell with five minutes’ notice? Would you be willing to wrap bacon around your face, put on a nurse’s uniform, and chase our “clients” around our hospital with a scalpel? If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then welcome aboard!
Why would you want to work for Silent Hill? Well, first off, it’s technically a job in city government. We have an attractive benefits package, including vision, dental, PTO, and paid vacation days. We don’t offer a pension, but trust us: you won’t need it.
Need health insurance? No problem! We employ a lot of medical professionals, so there’s always somebody on the premises who can help you, and we’ll give you all the health drinks and random syringes you need! Even we don’t know what’s in them, but they’re really effective!
In these uncertain economic times, we know that many job seekers are looking for peace of mind. We usually aren’t in that business, but Silent Hill does believe in taking care of its employees. Our official policy is that we don’t lay anyone off. Period. Your job is secure until and unless one of our clients beats you to death with a lead pipe. That’s the Silent Hill Promise.
Right now, we’re looking to fill these positions:
animated mannequin
welder
stagehand
set designer
Pyramid Head body double
creepy ghost baby
radio technician
If none of those sound like a fit for you, drop us a line anyway. After all, you never know when some new client might come into town who needs exactly the kind of personal touch you can provide.
Don’t worry. We won’t forget about your application. We never forget anything you’ve done.
Again, thanks for checking in with us! We’re looking forward to hearing from you!
Note: all our positions are local and sadly, require in-person attendance. However, we are looking into franchising, and recently opened our first international branch office in Kettenstadt, Germany. If we don’t have a location near you, just wait! Sooner or later, we’re hoping to see everyone inSilent Hill!
WARSAW — Male gamers rejoiced after upcoming historical RPG Hussar’s Quest was confirmed to contain no female characters as part of its commitment to historical accuracy as women were not invented when the game takes place.
“Our goal with this game is to create the most authentic depiction of life in the medieval Kingdom of Poland possible,” stated game director Hubert Sokolowski in a recent press release. “We’ve consulted extensively with a team of professional historians in the hopes of avoiding any anachronisms, and that includes depicting aspects of the period that might be offensive to modern sensibilities. The absence of female characters in our game is for the simple reason that it takes place before these mysterious and frightening creatures were invented.”
While a small portion of players looking forward to the game expressed shock at Sokolowski’s statement, the Hussar’s Quest development team insists their approach is consistent with the currently prevailing historical consensus.
“Like computers and smartphones, women are so prevalent in our life today that it’s difficult to imagine people ever lived without them,” explained historical advisor Marek Ciasto-Owocowe. “But the truth is all of these objects are relatively recent inventions. The first women were invented in the 1960s by woke engineers working for General Electric. However, due to the shortage of reliable records from so long ago, it’s unclear why exactly women were made. Most likely, it was for ritual purposes.”
Set in the year 1395, Hussar’s Quest places the player in the role of a Hussar warrior in service to the King of Poland as he fights off a dual invasion from the Kingdom’s two greatest enemies of the era: the Mongols and giant enemy crabs.
“It’s nice to see a game that really cares about its setting for a change,” said gamer Dick Anderson. “I’m so tired of a game selling itself as a period piece, and then the first thing you see is some chick. It just goes to show they don’t care about history at all and just pushing a political agenda. It’s a real breath of fresh air that these guys aren’t afraid to show what life was really like back then.” Anderson proceeded to watch footage of a side quest in which the player character visits a local cathedral to assist the priests in cutting newborn baby boys out of their chrysalis pods, as was common practice at the time.
At press time, a new dev diary showed off the games’ cooking system by preparing potato soup.
DK ISLAND — Beloved Nintendo icon Diddy Kong has officially submitted a name change application to his local circuit court after being frequently brought up by mistake amid P. Diddy’s sex trafficking arrest, sources familiar with the matter confirm
According to residents of the island the mischievous little monkey wore a melancholic expression around the island after learning the hard truth that he shares a name with a man who owns one thousand bottles of baby oil and an L.A. home with suspicious tunnels and grottos underneath. He reportedly remained inconsolable for days.
“Me never seen Diddy like this,” said Donkey Kong in a statement. “News make him sad. Make me sad too. Name comes from great-great-grandfather. Very important to Diddy, and to me. Shame to change, but sometimes we must do what we must do.”
Residents of the island are used to hearing excited ‘ooh-ooh’s and ‘ahh-ahh’s from Diddy Kong, but ever since P. Diddy’s arrest, the tiny Kong has been sent various letters condemning his actions and even cursing him out from people mistaking him for the famous rap star. He’s been deeply depressed and barely said a word, according to friends and neighbors.
When approached for comment, beloved Nintendo mascot and video game protagonist Mario Mario had this to say: “It’s-a shame! That-a bastard P. Diddy had-a to go and besmirch poor Diddy Kong’s-a good name. Mamma mia…it’s-a not fair. If Diddy is-a gonna be accused of a crime, it should be hitting me-a with a blue shell. Wahoo!”
Other citizens of Donkey Kong Island and the Mushroom Kingdom reportedly reached out to Diddy Kong upon hearing the sad news. Diddy’s peer and frequent kart-racing partner Bowser Jr. expressed his sympathies during this difficult time.
“That really smarts, man.” Jr. said. “I mean, I’m named after my dad, who’s a pretty bad guy. He’s kidnapped the princess and tried to take over the kingdoms so many times, I’ve lost count at this point! But even he’s not as bad as P. Diddy. I mean, sex trafficking? Prostitution? That guy’s plain guilty, man, you can tell. I don’t blame Diddy Kong for wanting to go by something else. I’m sure whatever he picks will fit him perfectly.”
At press time, Diddy emerged from the circuit court with a huge grin on his face and shared a certificate with his new name printed in big bold letters: Cosby Kong.
PHILADELPHIA – M. Night Shyamalan, known for directing movies with iconic twists like The Sixth Sense and his most recent Trap, announced in a statement released online that he’s actually been dead this entire time.
“It’s been a great honor entertaining you all over the years, but the time has come to reveal the truth,” Shyamalan inexplicably wrote from beyond the grave. “The director you all know and love has been dead for some time, killed by a fan of the series Avatar: The Last Airbender. Please don’t be sad, I’m in a better place now. A magical place, filled with love, joy and critics who actually understand PEAK CINEMA.”
Hollywood and fans across the globe reacted on social media, with posts ranging from general apathy to mild surprise.
“I guess it makes sense when you think about it,” user RizzBender69 commented under Shyamalan’s estate’s press release. “When I left the theater after watching ‘Old’ I remember thinking ‘Who directed this? A corpse?’ Little did I know…”
Sources close to Shyamalan report his family members and close friends are dumbfounded. They said they’ve seen and even spoken to the Razzie Award winning director recently.
“We literally just got lunch yesterday,” said Shymalan’s longtime friend, Grayson Beverly. “We spoke for hours. He was obsessing over his phone, frustrated by the ‘Trap’ reviews. I told him what I always tell him… ‘Abandon the whole twist thing, people love predictable endings! Let people guess right, for once. Give them a win!’ It’s the same conversation we’ve had after every movie for decades. How is this possible?”
While the people closest to Shymalan share in his friend’s confusion, a Letterboxd profile with the username “N. Day Nalamayhs” believe they have the answers. Not only can they pinpoint the day he died, they believe they can explain his movie output since.
“June 30th, 2010,” said Nalamayhs in his most recent review of Shyamalan’s ‘Trap’. “That’s the day after this GOD-tier director took your ripoff anime SLOP and turned it into a cinematic MASTERPIECE. That’s the day you assholes trashed PEAK CINEMA and lost the privilege of breathing the same air as a LIVING LEGEND! The GOAT made MOVIE MAGIC with that boring little bald kid you all can’t shut up about.”
“That’s why he can be BRAIN DEAD and STILL put out banger after banger,” Nalamayhs added. “While you need every bit of the two brain cells you still have left from years of sucking nitrous to have even a cursory understanding of what you’re watching you FOOLS!”
At press time, the Shyamalan family are planning a memorial service for next week. They said they hope for a quiet ceremony with little to no surprises.
TOKYO — Nintendo Co., Ltd. (NTDOY) has delivered an impressive new quarterly report for FY20XX propelled by strong growth and deep market penetration in the legal sector where the multinational video game company reported a 30.92% revenue increase from litigated settlements over the previous quarter.
“The strong performance this quarter reflects the bedrock of Nintendo corporate culture: lawsuits.” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, in a press release. “We’re proud to build on our shining legacy by continuing to ignore our classic intellectual properties to bait naive indie developers into making fan games.”
Revealing plans for next quarter, Bowser continued “We’ve randomly selected a number of bestselling titles to remove from the Nintendo Store. Sunsetting digital access offers excellent growth potential to sue ROM distribution platforms. We also expect substantial increases in advertising revenue with our new policy of copyright striking any video or livestream which even mentions a Nintendo property.”
Economics expert Bill Langston detailed Nintendo’s place in the market.
“Nintendo has been a leader in the legal industry for nearly four decades, first gaining prominence for their successful lawsuit against now-defunct Blockbuster in 1989. The stock has fully rebounded from a big drop it suffered in 2019 when Doug Bowser took over amidst controversy that they should be suing people with names that infringed on their characters instead of hiring them.”
Nintendo creative lead Albert Waluigi, Esq. explained the company’s principal design philosophy in an interview.
“Our goal is to deliver a new, unique experience with every game. We always provide something extra which has never been seen anywhere else—legally. That starts by patenting a very generic idea and hopefully someone here will come up with a way to use it in a game, otherwise we’ll just sue whoever beat us to market.”
Senior game tester John Thwomp offered insight into Nintendo’s Quality Legal Assurance department during a Nintendo Treehouse: Live in late September.
“Nintendo currently owns 8541 active patents for an exhaustive variety of hardware & software mechanics, including ‘Really satisfying button presses’ and ‘Saving princesses’. I got assigned to test Astro Bot and was having a great time until I realized ‘Hey they must have stolen this from us.’ So we immediately initiated action against Sony to recover damages to our reputation. Our nephews bragging during lunch is extremely important marketing for us. That word of mouth just doesn’t work unless we have the most charming, polished games.”
At press time, Charles Martinet had not yet responded for comment, but Nintendo Co., Ltd has issued a Cease & Desist against HARD DRIVE for attempting to use his quotes in this article.
