SANDUSKY, Ohio — Bad news for Glenn Williamson. It seems he’s once again forgotten to skip his monthly order from Meundies and will be receiving another pair in the mail this month. This is the 28th month in a row Williamson has made this mistake and friends and family are beginning to wonder why he doesn’t just cancel his account.
“It’s honestly crazy to me he still has that membership,” Commented Williamson’s partner, David. “Whenever I do the laundry I have no idea where to put his pajama bottoms. His bottom two drawers are all whimsical pairs of boxer briefs. He doesn’t even throw out the old ones! He’s just accumulating so many and spending money that could be going towards something else, anything else! Like socks even! I know they sell socks, why doesn’t he order some of those? Lord knows he needs new ones.”
When reached for comment Williamson simply let out a bunch of expletives and simply said “No. not again!” It’s unclear whether or not he was more frustrated at himself for his own forgetfulness or simply the realization that another pair would be arriving in the mail soon. Either way the result is the same.
“We always reach out with an email prior to sending each pair to remind our customers it’s coming,” said Brenda, a Meundies customer service representative. “But with high quality micro modal products like these, why would you even want to skip? I’m sure Mr. Williamson will be relieved he didn’t skip when he sees a fun new print arrive in his mailbox this week!”
At press time Greg Williamson has still not canceled his account, assuring those closest to him that he’ll “get around to it eventually”.
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced additional changes to the company’s moderation policies, including a new list of banned terms, sources confirmed.
“Facebook and Instagram users of all temporal identities should feel welcome on our platforms,” said Zuckerberg. “Individuals who make hateful remarks about the clothing and haircuts of anyone born before the year 2000 will be immediately suspended, especially if those clothes actually look really, really cool. Additionally, anyone who makes disparaging remarks about divorced men or starts dating my wife will be permanently banned from all Meta platforms.”
Facebook users said they were still adjusting to the changes.
“I have a buddy who got banned for commenting, ‘OK boomer,’ under a post complaining about gender-neutral bathrooms,” said Tyler Cranston, 20. “I know better than to be that blatant, though. I watched the video of that weird, curly-haired old guy, where he told everyone to stop making fun of him. I get why they keep doing it, though. He just looks like one of those pale, shapeless fish from way at the bottom of the ocean. You know, like all really old people do. Maybe he should try mewing to get his jawline right.”
Gerontologist Dr. Steven Malloy explained the sudden change in Zuckerberg’s behavior.
“This is just a natural effect of his aging body,” said Malloy. “Every day presents a new challenge for him. New aches, pains. His mind is a bit slower. More and more wrinkles, a retreating hairline. Maybe his memory is slipping, too, and he’s having a bit of trouble managing his day-to-day life. He may struggle to get an erection. It happens to everyone. You really have two choices. You can take a moment to process the changes and understand that you are still yourself, and a person worthy of love and respect, even if you’re not quite as quick or strong as you used to be. Or you can panic, blame all of your problems on a vulnerable minority, and promote a nascent authoritarian regime. It all comes down to whether you are a good person or a festering pile of maggot-covered shit in human form.”
At press time, Zuckerberg was seen wearing sunglasses and purchasing an F-22 Raptor, asking the salesman if he could, “fly it with the top down.”
Neva is the video game equivalent of Oscar bait. It’s in no way bad, but it’s part of a specific formula that goes back for over 20 years now. “You (possibly with a [pet/sidekick/sibling]) explore a big scary world full of creatures of darkness with minimal exposition” is video games’ answer to the star-studded historical dramedy. If anybody ever gets someone like Christopher Nolan to make an Ico clone, the resulting product and/or service will win enough awards to warp local space-time.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Neva. I was pretty sure I would, which was part of why I didn’t cover it before now; it seemed like Neva was already guaranteed to find an audience. As long as I’m running clean-up on 2024’s indie games, though, there’s no reason not to cover it.
Neva is the second game from Nomada Studio, the Spanish developer that made 2018’s Gris. It’s easiest to describe as a short, occasionally challenging puzzle-platformer, but its visuals absolutely carry the show. Neva is 4 hours of surreal landscape paintings with a video game attached.
You play Neva as Alba, a young swordswoman who lives in a vast forest with her young wolf companion Neva. One summer, a corruptive force invades the forest, which tears apart and warps the landscape while turning many of the local animals into monsters. Alba and Neva are forced into a running battle for survival that unfolds over the following seasons as their world slowly dies around them.
At least, I think that’s what’s going on. Neva tells most of its story through context and visuals, with no expository dialogue; I only know your character’s name is “Alba” because the official website says as much. As a result, much of Neva is open to interpretation, as a dark fantasy adventure and/or a parable about the experience of raising children in the Anthropocene.
I initially thought that was all it’d be. The first half-hour of the game is also its weakest point, where you spend a lot of time running past colorful vistas without much in the way of actual gameplay. As the corruption spreads through the forest, however, you’re given more to do.
Before too long, Neva turns into a gauntlet of monsters, toxic vines, strange ruins, and the disintegrating landscape. If you’re the sort of person who clears Super Meat Boy for fun, there isn’t much in Neva that will slow you down, but it’s got a few decent challenges in store.
Neva only has three health points, but you can restore them by landing six hits in a row, which sets up a smooth and intuitive flow to its combat. You’re on a razor’s edge much of the time, but it’s easy to make up for your mistakes as long as you pay attention to enemies’ patterns.
Some of those are mitigated by Neva herself. Initially, she’s a defenseless puppy. While Neva is never actually an escort mission, its first level is mostly about shepherding Neva to safety as the forest continues to devolve. By the second level, the seasons have turned and Neva has grown up a little, so now she can take care of herself. Before long, you’re more like Neva’s sidekick than anything else, in an experience that’s meant to recall the relationship between a parent and a growing child.
It’s a carefully designed, beautiful experience, but Neva does run into a couple of the usual pitfalls you get with this kind of environmental storytelling. There are a couple of areas where it’s difficult to tell what you’re meant to be doing, due to color contrast, inconsistent signposts, or the camera panning too far out to make out important details.
If Neva has a single big problem, however, it’s that first half-hour. It’s never less than fascinating to look at, with a closer grip on its visual storytelling than most games even try for, but the opening level did make me wonder if it was just a vaguely interactive movie. If you give it a chance, Neva opens up into a short, often emotional game with enough challenge to keep it interesting.
Anecdotally, it seems like I’m not hearing as much about Neva as I did about Gris back in 2018. I do remember there being a sort of anti-hype cycle with Gris, where it got initial raves but didn’t catch on as hard with a mainstream audience. I wonder if Neva is suffering as a result, or if it got a comparatively weak initial reception due to the packed release schedule last October.
It’s worth your time, though. Many games I’ve played that look this good were barely games at all, but Neva finds a solid overall balance. It’s a decent action-platformer, as well as a solid achievement in interactive storytelling.
[Neva, developed by Nomada Studio and published by Devolver Digital, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, and PC for $19.99. This column was written with a copy of the game purchased on Steam.]
CHICAGO — Thomas Porter, 42, is flat broke. The IRS has confirmed that despite previously having a comfortable amount in savings, a number of bad investments and a few emergency expenses left Porter on his financial last legs. Porter is really hoping that end of life bonus stars come through for him.
“If I’ve learned anything from playing Mario Party, no matter how well you’re doing by the end of the game the bonus stars can make or break you. It’s not like I blew all my coins at the Item shop on Mushrooms and Iced Coffee. It’s just been a rough game for me and unless I get some crazy bonus stars I know Tonya is going to leave me,” Porter was overheard saying to his financial planner.
Reporters asked Porter’s wife Tonya how this situation has affected the dynamic within the family, and she had this to say.
“I keep telling him even if they really did give out bonus stars, there’s no way he’d get one. Clearly we’re not going to be winning Most Coins otherwise I could afford to get the kids new shoes. Plus to win Most Event Spaces I’m pretty sure you have to get off the couch every now and again.”
Financial planner Jake Bucksworth was asked if he had any alternative plans to save Porter’s finances.
“I haven’t fully given up on trying to save Mr. Porter’s finances before the game ends. He’s only 15 Turns in out of 20. Under my guidance Mr. Porter has already gotten quite a few job interviews. Unfortunately each interview has turned out to be a trap set by Bowser. Despite these setbacks it’s only a matter of time before things turn around. After all, there’s only so many coins Bowser can take. Mr. Porter may have lost his fortune but once he gets a lucky minigame win, his investments will soar.”
At press time, Tonya is braving it on the job market while Porter himself is grinding minigames.
NEW YORK — Danny Rand just can’t catch a break! A new report has just come out concluding that the publics’ opinion of the Marvel character Iron fist is at an all time low due to the characters overpowered fuckery in the popular game, Marvel Rivals. Approval ratings for Iron Fist haven’t been this low since that god awful Netflix show back in 2017.
“Yeah it’s really a shame and not what we had hoped for with this character,” said Roy Thomas, one of the creators of the character in a recent Reddit AMA. “When Gil and I created the character we just wanted to make another boring billionaire that fights bad guys or whatever. Not some bitch who gets in your face every 5 seconds until you rage quit and go back to playing Overwatch!”
Many players have complained the character needs a nerf in Rivals but that may be too little too late. It seems unlikely the Immortal Iron Fist will reach cult favorite status like Moon Knight or Psylocke. It would take some truly insane stunt casting in a potential MCU feature film to rocket the character into the spotlight like Robert Downey Jr. did for Iron Man.
“Look, all I know is that I gave it my best shot,” said the guy who played him in the Netflix show. We wrote down his name but somehow still forgot it. “I did everything that was asked of me! I hardly worked out and phoned in a mediocre performance mostly in sweatpants. If that wasn’t enough to do justice to the character then I’m not sure what else fans wanted. I fought a dragon you know? I mean we didn’t really show that part in the show but you get it.”
Marvel fans will just have to put up with the K’un Lun killer until they decide to nerf him or “get good” according to one Iron Fist main we asked. Unfortunately it seems for most players this version of the character may be even more frustrating than the portrayal given to us by Phil Jonas or whatever his name was.
At press time, when asked to comment about possibly bringing back actors from the Netflix show in a new series a la Daredevil Born Again, Kevin Fiege responded “What Netflix Show?”
Hey guys! It’s ya boy MrLMFAOMayo here to tell you guys about my experience checking out Marvel Rivals over the first month of release. Also for a little bit of a bonus I’m gonna mention my brief sojourn to my local Child Protective Services building, which may have been related to me forgetting to pick up my kids while i was gaming all day to bring you the best Marvel Rivals coverage this side of the interwebs, let’s jump into it gang!
So right off the bat I know what you’re all wondering “Is this game basically Overwatch with Marvel characters?” and while it does have a lot of similarities, I think it does differ in a few ways. I mean keeping track of the objective is still a big part of the game, I found myself a couple of times forgetting to stay on the payload both in and out of the game.
Like for instance when playing a flanker like Moon Knight it’s easy to forget to stay on the point to get the capture. Just like while deep in a Rivals gaming sesh it’s super easy to forget to pickup the payload that is your kids and bring them back home safely. But these are just basic mistakes anyone can make and you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, no matter how much that bitch Linda down at CPS yells at you about it!
Like with all games though it’s really most important that you’re having fun. So make sure you play around a bit and try out every character. You’re gonna want to make sure you don’t get too attached right away cuz you never know when someone is gonna instalock Winter Soldier if he’s your main.
Just like how you never know when your ex wife is gonna swoop in and take your kids away and call you an irresponsible man child and a failure and threaten to never let you see them again. The point is, it’s good to have options! Maybe tryout the Punisher for a game or have some new kids! Just give it some thought.
Now I know you guys are probably gonna want some advice on the META on this game and frankly in my opinion it’s still kinda changing. Right now Iron Fist is still the most troublesome to play against in most 1 on 1 fights so if you can get good with him I recommend it. You’ll definitely attract a lot of toxicity in chat though.
Kinda like when my kids talk about their mom’s new boyfriend Kyle all the time. Much like Iron Fist punching you in the face repeatedly, the thought of Kyle banging my wife is constantly being pummeled into my head and for sure causing a lot of tunneling and even tilting as a dad on my part.
So yeah I guess in conclusion I’d say if you haven’t picked the game up go ahead, I’ll for sure try and keep you guys updated with my thoughts on future updates if I can. May be a bit of a gap between videos if I can’t beat this child neglect charge but I think I’ll be okay. My Lawyer is like Cloak and Dagger, adaptable and annoying as hell.
Are you a hack ass Hollywood executive looking for your next big script? Are you bankrupt of creativity and vision? Do you like knives and recycling old IP? If you said yes to any of the above, then I’ve got a list for you. If you’re running a major studio, you know developing and releasing new IP is so hard. Not to mention you also have to market it and find a stupid audience. Fret not my fellow nepo babies. The public domain is here to save the day! Below are the top 10 properties in the public domain (or soon to be) that are ripe for a stabby reimagining.
10. The Great Gatsby
What if we added murder to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s roaring 20s classic? Instead of being caught up on one broad and throwing parties to win her over, what if Jay Gatsby went on a killing spree to impress her? No one on East Egg or West Egg would be safe from his bloodlust. To make it a little more artsy-fartsy we can have Jay paint the green light on the dock red, with the blood of his victims. Guaranteed box office smash.
EDIT: My editor has informed me there is already murder in the book. Sorry, I never finished reading it, but it sounds like the murder I’m proposing is much sexier than what Mr. Fitzgerald wrote.
9. Steamboat Willie
I know, I know. It’s already been done, but hear me out. Two words, elevated horror. All the kids are raging about it. We’ve got our best AI applications, er I mean workers already working out how to define “elevated horror”. So far they’ve got less stabbing, more thinking. I know thinking is below your pay grade, but try this on for size. We have Steamboat Willie be a representation of something. It’s like a metaphor, you know? We’ll let the writers figure that out. They love subtext.
8. Archie Comics
You know what you need for successful horror cinema? Sexy teenagers on the pointy end of a knife. Hollywood is flush with sexy twenty-somethings ready to play sexy teenagers at the drop of a hat. Just imagine Glen Powell as Jughead. Sure, it’s a little shaky what we actually can and can’t use from Archie comics, but they’re print media, so fuck’em.
EDIT: My editor has informed me that Glen Powell is not a sexy twenty-something. He’s a sexy thirty-something.
7. Peter Pan
You know what’s good for business? Dead kids. Imagine, if instead of luring kids to Neverland, where they never grow up, Peter Pan instead stabs children and they in turn, never grow up.
6. Sleeping Beauty
What if true love’s kiss doesn’t awaken beauty? What if true love’s kiss instead awakens a nightmare? Aurora awakens to a new world around her. Not only has she discovered her whole life has been a lie, but now this lizard lipped prince is hovering over her, disturbing the best sleep she’s ever gotten. You can’t blame her when she grabs the Prince’s sword and lobs his head off, thus beginning a killing spree that can only be stopped by true love’s kiss.
5. The Wizard of Oz
I smell a franchise with this one. We’ve already got a phenomenal final girl in Dorothy. We just need to pick a killer and hand them a Victorinox or a Cutco Knife (whichever knife company your corporation owns). The higher ups will be thrillified by our corporate synergy.
4. DareDevil
Hold off true believers, this is not who you think it is. This is Lev Gleason Publication’s Golden Age, boomerang-wielding vigilante, DareDevil. His alter-ego, Bart Hill, fell mute after witnessing his father’s murder and grows up to take out bad guys with a giant boomerang. For our public domain cash grab we’re going to make old Bart the villain and change his boomerang into a sharp glaive. Also, legal says we have to change his superhero name to avoid upsetting “The Mouse”. I think we can get away with D4R3D3V1L.
3. Night of the Living Dead
We got zombies! We can do zombies! The movie basically writes itself. Do we give the zombies kives? No no no, that’s too much. We’ll give one zombie one knife and call it a day.
2. The Beverly Hillbillies (Season 1 Only)
Jed Clampett is a fool. As a fellow Missourian myself, if I strike oil while hunting a rabbit, I am not moving my daughter, my mother-in-law, and my slack-jawed, mouth breathing cousins into a mansion in Beverly Hills with me. I’m going solo. The only reason I could think Jed would stick it out with his family is that he feared the law taking chunks of his newfound wealth from him. With that in mind, I present The Beverly Hillbillies Massacre. When Jed strikes gold he sees a future for himself outside of Missouri. The only thing that stands between him and his happiness is his coatriding kin.
1. Calvin and Hobbes
Ok, the rights on this one are dicey. We can use Bill Watterson’s lovable comic strip characters, but there’s a catch. They’re technically not in the public domain, but we can use them as long as we depict them urinating on something. We can’t steal from Watterson, but we can steal from those who have already stolen from Watterson. So let’s do a dark humor film where our killer, after having murdered a victim (with one of your corporation’s knives) he pisses on them.
EDIT: My editor has informed me this will be my last list with the site.
TORONTO — Despite not being able to afford to go to therapy, local depressed man Patrick Cole’s friends have confirmed he’s been in better spirits lately after he purchased a new 4K Blu-ray player instead of seeking professional help.
“I haven’t seen him crack a smile in weeks but yesterday he was grinning ear to ear after watching The Beekeeper 4K Blu-ray,” Cole’s friend Michael Graves wrote on social media. “Things have been really rough for him lately. He’s just had no passion for life and we’ve been urging him to get help so it’s really great to see he did.”
Cole himself posted about his experience, urging others who suffer from depression to seek out their own 4K Blu-ray player before it’s too late.
“I was in a really dark place and needed help. Luckily I have people who care about me that got me on the right path. Unfortunately therapy is really expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so that just wasn’t an option. But a 4K Blu-ray player was within my means and now I’m a totally different person. I’ve never been happier. Sure all the deep-seated underlying causes of my depression are still present but now I can watch all these 4K movies in Dolby Vision whenever I want without having to worry about whether it’s on a streaming service or if David Zaslav will erase it from history. To all others who suffer from depression, I urge you to forget therapy and get a 4K Blu-ray player as soon as possible.”
In a press statement, Panasonic spokesperson John Copeland shared that the company will begin marketing specifically towards people suffering from depression.
“In the age of digital streaming where people mind numbingly scroll through the void in order to find some semblance of light in their lives, we realize that our DP-UB820 4K Blu-ray player is the only thing that can give people hope. In this day and age, in this economy, it makes no financial sense to pay the exuberant prices for therapy when you can instead buy our premium player and enjoy true happiness the way only a nice collection of movies can. You’ll still hate yourself deep down and you’ll still lack purpose in life but you’ll always know that your movies will be available to watch in the most beautiful crystal clear picture. No algorithm will ever take that away.”
At press time, David Zaslav reportedly held an emergency meeting to see if it was possible to delete people’s Blu-rays.
LOS ANGELES — On January 1, 2025 at 12:02am, the new year welcomed a brand-new baby girl, Jocelyn Marie Caan, who in just a short eighteen years will become Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest lover.
“I can already tell she’s going to be a keeper. Well, at least until she turns twenty-five,” said an ecstatic DiCaprio lounging in the hospital waiting room, smoking a cigar in celebration.
New mother, Marissa Caan, laying in her hospital bed holding the Oscar winner’s future plaything spoke to reporters about the exciting news.
“To hear the doctor tell us that our baby girl is a beautifully healthy baby. That she has all ten fingers and toes, AND that Leonardo DiCaprio thinks she’s going to be smoking hot! We were so relieved,” Caan said as she held a picture of DiCaprio in front of her newborn’s face. “We’re both so thankful she’s going to have a second, wealthier daddy to pay her college tuition. Now I can build a minibar instead,” added Arthur Caan, Jocelyn’s father.
But not every parent at the hospital was as happy about this news as the Caans.
“We were told that there was nothing this hospital could do to make our new baby attractive enough for Leo,” said George Resnik, new father to a baby that won’t get anywhere close to dating a famous person. “All the plastic surgeons are off for the holidays and by the time they get back it will be too late. Instead, we were told that we have to accept the fact that our sweet, baby girl may just have to settle for Jared Leto in the future. It’s just so devastating to hear.”
At press time, Mr. DiCaprio gave one last embrace to his future bae before heading to his current girlfriend’s 26th birthday party to break up with her.
There are few things better in life than learning that your favorite band or artist has performed a Tiny Desk Concert on NPR. The only problem is that the performers must be real people, meaning you’ll never see any of your favorite video game characters on the series. Here are ten characters that we would be pumped for.
Love Fist (Grand Theft Auto:Vice City)
This one is for sure a reach, but a metal head can dream. Love Fist hasn’t performed together in over 30 years. Willy, the band’s bassist, hasn’t even been seen in public since distancing himself from the band in 1992. At their peak in the mid-80s, the band seemed poised to rule the world, with chart toppers like Fist Till Morning and Fist Fury. You couldn’t walk down the street without someone shouting at you, “Our love rockets are too aroused.” Just imagine, the band back together for an unplugged rendition of their first EP. Maybe one day
Must Play Track: Fist Fury
Freddy & Friends (Five Nights at Freddy’s Series)
FNaF Finatics have been begging for a Tiny Desk performance from Freddy & Friends since the band first started performing. The souls that inhabit these animatronic performers have so much soul. Sure, some of the music is a bit corporate, but hopefully the stripped down sound of a desk performance would bring the soul back to Freddy and the gang.
Must Play Track: Their covers are always the best
PaRappa The Rapper (PaRappa the Rapper Series)
PaRappa The Rapper is hot off a beef with Chance the Rapper, and his paw is still on the gas pedal. Rising to prominence in the mid-90s, Parappa’s career seemed to be a flash in the pan, but his work has passed the test of time and to quote the dog himself “Has a longevity that outlast both Chance and his marriage.” PaRappa’s funk flow will shine should he get the chance to kick, punch, and chop through a Tiny Desk set.
Must Play Track: MC King Kong Mushi
U-1, The Legendary Gitaroo Man (Gitaroo Man)
U-1 and the supporting characters that made up his career were born to be on Tiny Desk Concert. You’re telling me a live performance of Bee’Jam Blues wouldn’t kill an NPR intern from how awesome it is? Get this man his guitar and get him behind the desk.
Must Play Track: Born to be Bone
The Indigo-Go’s (The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)
You’d have to fill the NPR offices with gallons of seawater to make this one a reality, but it would be worth it. The scond generation of The Indigo-Go’s really made a name for themselves back in 2000, heading out on a world tour that spanned across the seven seas. Sadly, the band doesn’t tour much these days due to lead singer, Lulu’s constant bouts with shore vocal cords and depression. One would think a lowkey setting like the Tiny Desk would be perfect for these Zora rockstars.
Must Play Track: New Wave Bossa Nova
Dandelion (The Witcher Series)
If you can keep him from flirting with all the maidens in the office, Dandelion doesn’t need much to perform behind the desk. Just don’t take all his tales inbetween songs at face value.
Must Play Track: Toss a Coin to Your Witcher
Donkey Kong (Donkey Konga Series)
This is another tough one, cause obviously you want him to do the DK Rap, but he would very much rather play his bongos. His last three studio albums have all been bongo based, which is fine, but come on Donkey Kong, we want to hear the hits. Maybe we can let him do three bongo songs and then he’ll feel more inclined to rap for everyone.
Must Play track: The DK Rap
You (Guitar Hero Series)
You think we’d forget you? We remember the late 2000s and the blisters on your fingers from trying to master Through the Fire and Flames. It sucks that you sold your guitar for beer money, but maybe we can find one in the NPR offices, that you can use for your performance. Just don’t get mad and throw it down when you miss a note in your song, big guy.
Must Play Track: Free Bird
K.K. Slider (Animal Crossing Series)
K.K. has been traveling from town to town, playing music for over 20 years now. No other discography can compete with his. Just a dog and his guitar bebopping about and creating some of the heaviest tunes you’ve ever heard. Getting him behind the desk may be tricky since he’s so touch and go. Once there, he may try to get away with performing only one track. He’s a one track concert kind of dog, so bask in it.
Must Play Track: K.K. Disco
Jack Black
You knew he was going to be number one before you even started this list. If there’s one video game character that’s avoided the Tiny Desk Concert, it’s been Jack Black and his musical talents. Get him out of the booth and behind the desk. Just don’t let him hear any of the interns making assassination jokes or the whole show is off.
