Every ‘Rainbow Six Siege’ Operator Quote Ranked by How Hard They’d Go as Tinder Bios

Posted on by Nik Theorin

If you’ve played Ubisoft’s long-running team shooter for any respectable amount of time, you may notice your brain starting to rewire itself in new and frightening ways. Your eyes unconsciously scan bookshelves for drones. You stop walking past windows. Your dreams are all set in Chalet Basement, and they’re nightmares. That, and the Operators start endearing themselves to your cold, cynical heart.

And why shouldn’t they? How can you not come to love their catchphrases, their comically situational gadgets, their highly questionable rules of engagement? Ubisoft spends a frankly inordinate amount of time writing biographies, interviews, and “psychological reports” for all of their Operators, but the star of the show has to be the silly little quotes. Sorry, not silly. They are oh so very serious: bolded quotes that sum up the whole of the character’s ethos and personhood, much like one’s bio in an equally competitive scene dominated by toxic males obsessed with your body count: dating apps. With that in mind, here is every Rainbow Six Siege Operator quote ranked by how hard they’d go as Tinder bios.

#75-54: Shit That Gets You Banned

Let’s be real. At the time of writing, Rainbow Six Siege has a whopping 75 Operators for players to choose from, with new ones being added every few months. Though I do get paid per list entry, it’d be irresponsible to make you read through twenty-two of the worst Tinder bios I’ve ever seen in my life. Some are outright boring or irrelevant, while others may even get you banned from the app. They range from the mundane (“In every conflict, it’s the children who are made to suffer, even after the fighting has stopped.” That’s very nice, Aruni) to the badass (“The only thing I feel when I pull the trigger is recoil.” ~ Nøkk) to one of the worst things I’ve ever seen put to print (“You say potato, I say botnet.” ~ Dokkaebi). Brava’s “Sometimes the only path to justice is through a bullet…” could sum up the driving dogma of the United States justice system, while Ying’s “Protecting others is a calling. If you don’t feel it, walk away.” could work for a very noncommittal army recruitment poster, but if I see any of these on your profile, I’m swiping left. Come on, Rainbow, do better. It’s what Harry would have wanted.

#53: “You see a wall, I see an opportunity.” ~ Thermite

This one almost feels like it makes sense in a non-literal way. Thermite’s Operator quote does a good job showing off his glass half-full attitude and willingness to improvise a workaround for any situation. Now if he could just take off the goggles so we can get a good look at those sad, soulful eyes.

#52: “Forget who you are, and nothing else matters. You’ll fight for anyone, and never know why.” ~ Amaru

A little prosaic, and definitely too haunting for a dating profile, but I doubt she’ll have a problem getting matches.

#51: “People think my codename is because I don’t like to talk. Maybe I just don’t like you.” ~ Mute

Not gonna lie, off to a really bad start.

#50: “Don’t ask me what I’m doing on my phone. You don’t want to know.” ~ Echo

Direct. Confident. As a bio, this is entirely too confrontational, but some people like that kind of thing. The real problem is it 100% sounds like he’s watching porn, which knowing Echo and his pervy Yokai drones, he probably is.

#49: “It isn’t about where you end up, it’s about how you make it home.” ~ Zofia

Zofia has one of the few—and I mean startlingly few—Operator quotes that actually feels thoughtful and devoid of pretense. Which of course means it has no place on a dating app.

#48: “Survival is all about timing. Nature doesn’t give second chances.” ~ Bandit

Nature lover, huh? You and everyone else. Does no one go for video game satire writers anymore?

#47: “Never reveal the cards you were dealt.” ~ Alibi

Alibi’s quote certainly sounds cool, but it’s antithetical to the human experience. How are we, as thinking, feeling creatures, supposed to find connection while our hearts are closed to each other? A turtle in its shell is protected from harm, but it never sees the sun— in the same way a Defender who isn’t peeking may clutch the win but not the kill. Alibi may be content roaming the dating field for now, but sooner or later we all rotate back to site.

#46: “Every conflict is an iteration upon the last. Every scar, a victory.” ~ Montagne

Every raindrop contributes to the ocean. Every wave, its own storm. See? I can write generically profound shit too.

#45: “I may not have family, but I have Redhammer.” ~ Ram

Found family is important, but this is incredibly sad Ram. No one on Tinder is going to know what Redhammer is. I’m staring at the Rainbow Wiki page right now and I barely understand what it is, other than an excuse for some Rescue Heroes-ass cosmetics.

#44: “Honor is not the only thing worth protecting… but sometimes it’s all you have left.” ~ Azami

It’s never a bad idea to flex your strong morals, but self-deprecation has a time and place. The honor-bound warrior who thirsts for revenge is extremely overplayed in American markets. Maybe try something a little more uwu.

#43: “You’ve gotta have a couple of roos loose in the top paddock to sign up for this life, but there’s nowhere I’d rather be.” ~ Gridlock

Jesus Christ. Is this parody?

#42: “Don’t worry about me. I was never here.” ~ Vigil

You have to admire someone who has the confidence to announce 1) I’m not here to catch feelings, and 2) I will ghost you faster than a Maverick getting brained through his own peephole.

#41: “Make no excuses for who you are. Only the weak-minded will demand you make yourself smaller.” ~ Lesion

Lesion’s Operator quote is almost a powerful declaration of pride and individuality, a breath of fresh air amidst the other catchlines and “I sold my soul to the way of the gun” testimonials. Dare I say, it would be higher on this list if not for the inclusion of “weak-minded”, which puts a sour taste on everything that comes before it. “Weak-minded” is not a real person word. It exists purely in the realm of fiction as a thing for villains to say. No self-respecting person is swiping right on someone with villain energy, unless that villain is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.

#40: “Listen up, people: No one dies today. Any questions’ll just have to wait.” ~ Castle

Dating apps can be a scary place, especially for women and femmes, so it’s good to reassure potential partners that they’ll be safe with you. Castle should be prepared for the possibility that his matches may indeed have additional questions after this, though.

#39: “A person is never more honest than when they think they’re alone.” ~ Goyo

You can’t be saying shit like that, Goyo. Not on the apps, not anywhere. The funniest part is that Goyo’s signature gadget has nothing to do with surveillance (he sticks a can of gasoline onto a deployable shield for your teammates to blow up at inopportune times), so he’s just saying freaky voyeur crap for the love of the game.

#38: “Imagination keeps you alive. It’s how you find your way out of the dark. That, and a flashlight.” ~ Glaz

Glaz comes in swinging with a thoughtful, pithy bio, only to undercut it with a touch of “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?” humor. I would say to cut that last bit, but I’m afraid that was the first time he’s ever cracked a joke and I don’t want to discourage the habit.

#37: “Acceptable casualties? Nah.” ~ Tubarão

What the hell. Sure.

#36: “People lie. Data does not.” ~ Solis

Just say you’re an INTJ.

#35: “Did I ever tell you about the time we tree-jumped into the Congo Swamp at night? No? Oh, it’s a good one.” ~ Maestro

Maestro’s Operator quote doesn’t necessarily “go hard”, but it does dangle a thread of tantalizing conversation, which is crucial for securing matches on Tinder. Or maybe not, honestly I wouldn’t know.

#34: “I don’t like photos of myself. The lighting is always wrong.” ~ Blitz

This sounds less like an Operator quote and more like the caption for a Humans of New York photo of a sweet old lady.

#33: “Life is the ultimate Rube Goldberg machine.” ~ IQ

IQ’s quote is fun and full of whimsy, two words I would never use to describe my years playing Rainbow Six Siege. Though it’s a touch impersonal, this is the kind of playful observation that can tell you a lot about someone’s worldview, which makes it a good fit for Tinder, where things like worldview and personality are given as much if not more consideration than appearances.

#32: “Follow me. I know a shortcut.” ~ Buck

Intriguing! Where are we going?

#31: “I’m never unprepared.” ~ Warden

On an app where men regularly attempt to woo the opposite sex with dirty mirror selfies and American war crime-esque photos of fish, it’s safe to say Warden’s Operator quote may actually hit a sweet spot somewhere between boastful and whatever the hell it is turns kids on nowadays.

#30: “The closer you are to death, the more vibrant life becomes.” ~ Wamai

Some serial killer shit. Unfortunately goes hard.

#29: “C’mon, I’m not here to fuck spiders.” ~ Mozzie

This is apparently Aussie slang that means “I’m not fooling around”, but I read years ago that no one actually says it in Australia and it’s mostly used to confuse tourists. Yet to this day, I can’t find anything else confirming that and the phrase is treated as 100% genuine, so I’m left questioning everything and wondering how deep the web truly goes. Which is, ironically, something you might say while fucking a spider.

#28: “All systems are complementary, if you know how to connect them.” ~ Iana

It’s possible this refers to sex.

#27: “Pick on someone your own size.” ~ Thorn

All jokes aside, this would actually be a hilarious Tinder bio and I hope someone goes on and uses it with my and Ubisoft’s blessing. I can’t afford to take the risk myself, especially as a self-described Short King.

#26: “We earned the right to be here. Now we just have to earn the right to stay.” ~ Striker

This quote is clearly referring to Strikers (formerly the Operator called “Recruit”, a newbie class that signals to other players that everything that is about to happen in-game is your fault) being admitted into Rainbow and having to prove themselves through training, but with a little imagination one could apply it to the world at large. After all, what are we doing on this earth every day if not proving our right to stay?

#25: “Deep down in my veins, I knew I had to travel. Now that I have, I’m certain I haven’t travelled enough.” ~ Nomad

This is the kind of humble, grounded quote you’d expect from Nomad, who among all the Operators in Rainbow Six seems the most likely to stop for a minute and wonder what the hell is going on and why she’s defusing a chemical weapon on a breached luxury yacht in the Arctic Ocean.

#24: “Focusing only on the bad things in life will keep you from seeing the many opportunities to do good.” ~ Capitão

Look. Making a ranked list of every Rainbow Six Siege Operator quote means you will inherently have to contend with some of the blandest, most unthinkably trite sentences put to paper. This quote by Capitão could belong to anyone and everyone and no one. It’s a fortune cookie fortune without the pith or the lottery numbers on the back. But given the sheer number of Tinder bios that are word-for-word “You deserve good things and I want to be one of them”, “My love language is sarcasm”, or mention anything about a “flirt-to-roast ratio”, maybe trite can get you places.

#23: “If you don’t constantly feel like you’re being watched, then you aren’t paying attention.” ~ Valkyrie

This bio will likely resonate with people who think Alexa is secretly listening to them and then passing that info off to Google with the express purpose of occasionally showing an ad for a product you mentioned you were thinking about trying.

#22: “Understanding is the only tool that vanquishes ignorance.” ~ Melusi

Next time let’s try a little less to sound like the slogan of an American print publication.

#21: “Fear is a teacher. There’s always a lesson to be learned.” ~ Fenrir

Teach me, daddy.

#20: “Brute force only gets you so far. Victory is determined in the mind of a strategist.” ~ Sens

Sens, your gadget is a rolly disk that bounces off walls and throws up a Popsicle-colored projection screen for three seconds. Don’t come here talking about “mind of a strategist”.

#19: “Here’s my quote: Don’t waste my fucking time.” ~ Skopós

This is actually extremely similar to a lot of bios I’ve seen, albeit a little more polite.

#18: “In life, you have to commit to the things that make you happy. For me, that’s robbing the rich and corrupt.” ~ Flores

Listing a few of your interests in your bio may seem self-indulgent, but it’s actually an important way to both express yourself and make connections with people.

#17: “Coming through!” ~ Sledge

Tells you everything you need to know.

#16: “The hand you get dealt isn’t the one you have to keep.” ~ Finka

Ubisoft must have forgotten about Finka’s Operator quote by the time they introduced Alibi that same year, because there’s not half a lick of difference between “Never reveal the cards you were dealt” and “The hand you get dealt isn’t the one you have to keep”. Maybe they play cards together. The latter quote works far better in the only context that matters, though: finding the love of your life on the dating app that, for a limited time in April, would let you “test your flirting skills” with an AI in a feature called The Game Game, which is a bit of true information I deliver to you devoid of joke or satirical spin.

#15: “Not every child gets to choose who they grow up to be.” ~ Caveira

Damn, that goes hard. A little dark for Tinder, though— maybe try something like, “Looking for the Jim to my Pam.”

#14: “Confusing what is right with what is easy can lead down a dangerous path.” ~ Lion

Lion’s Operator quote is something to live by, and works perfectly as a Tinder bio thanks precisely to the app’s reputation for flings and other rapid infiltration ops. There’s a reason he’s called “Mr. Right” and not “Mr. Easy”, after all.

#13: “Acceptance of mediocrity is the first step toward failure.” ~ Kali

Leave it to Kali to come up with a quote that somehow serves as both motivation and mild threat. Never settle, boys!

#12: “Think of me as your conscience. I see everything, and I’m just as ruthless.” ~ Mira

It almost makes you want to reinforce Mira’s wall just so she’ll team kill you and be forced to step on you every time she rotates.

#11: “Sometimes, the only way out is through.” ~ Oryx

Oryx could have one half-cropped blurry photo and no bio to speak of and he’d still have the most popular profile in 100 miles. Whether this quote speaks to a problematic approach to doomed relationships is beside the point.

#10: “Prepare, execute, vanish.” ~ Zero

I’ve given other Operators shit for pursuing frivolous hook-ups instead of love, but there’s nothing wrong with dating for pleasure, especially if you make your intentions clear from the start and you’re as exceedingly, blisteringly good at it as Sam Fisher. They don’t call his line of business “wetwork” for nothing.

#9: “What you can feel, what you can touch – those are the things that are real. Everything else is just a distraction.” ~ Thatcher

How does Thatcher make the carnal pleasures of the flesh sound so ponderous, yet needful? What experiences lie behind the mystery of that mask; what is the handsome face to whom these musings belong? If you’re lucky, you haven’t seen his elite skin and will never know.

#8: “They told me I’d died. They were wrong. I was reborn.” ~ Tachanka

Here we go, this is how you do it. Instantly attention-grabbing, memorable, raises questions and opens the conversation up in a big way. Hell yeah Tachanka, you under-picked bastard, tell us how you were reborn, my lord.

#7: “The Devil’s in the details… that’s where you’ll find me.” ~ Maverick

You wanna play devilish, huh? Ready or not, here I come.

#6: “Together, we can shake the very stars from the sky.” ~ Ela

Cool! Kind of romantic. Actually, where is this energy coming from? Why is she speaking like that? This sounds like a quote from a completely different game. I think the “together” is supposed to reference her sister Zofia, who is also an Operator in Rainbow Six, which makes Ela’s bio all the funnier given the fact Zofia’s quote doesn’t reference her at all.

#5: “You can’t escape me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t try.” ~ Jackal

On a woman’s profile, this is a playful, tongue-in-cheek bio, as harmless as “I’ll fall for you if you trip me”. On a man’s profile, this is terrifying.

#4: “My job is to keep you alive. Make it as hard as you like.” ~ Doc

Let me read that last sentence again—

#3: “Get out of my way.” ~ Grim

I love this badass, completely unapproachable Tinder bio. It perfectly distills the bullheaded, “take it or leave it” mentality enshrined in the dating app ecosystem down to its essence, in the process achieving something like purity. “Get out of my way” is a complete dismissal of everything but the self. Or, it might be a warning about the bees. Hard to tell. You should really mention the bees, Grim.

#2: The heart is just a motor. Like any machine, it can be fine-tuned.” ~ Pulse

He may look like your Republican uncle who in turn looks like if Lex Luther let himself go, but Pulse proves he’s more than just the face of privilege in America with this cool-as-hell Operator quote, effortlessly drawing the connection between his signature gadget (a heartbeat sensor) and the heart as a dual-purpose organ, one that serves as both dispassionate machine and metaphorical seat of the human soul. Such skillful composition doubtless won’t go unnoticed by potential suitors, who are unlikely to see his shiny bald head and resting ICE face and swipe left so fast the phone flies out of their hands.

#1: “Come closer. I dare you.” ~ Clash

Clash is by far the most annoying Operator in the game mechanically and tied with Mira for the most annoying Operator experientially, with her voice lines being best described as “angry British noises”, but I’ll be damned if her quote doesn’t go the hardest of every Operator as a Tinder bio. As someone whose own Tinder is chronically over-tuned to maximize earnestness, humor, and remaining character count at all times, this short bio has the kind of unearned confidence I yearn for. It invites you in while hinting at a danger that could be yours, should you risk it. The core of Rainbow Six Siege is all about risk and reward, after all, with decisions of when to peek, when to rotate, and when to chase one drone across the entire map as it hops around like the goddamn roadrunner all playing into the risk/reward gameplay that makes Siege, Siege. And what is love if not the greatest risk—and most transcendent reward—of them all?

Game Night: Drink the Ghosts Away In ‘The Horror at Highrook’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I was surprised to learn that The Horror at Highrook is an original production. From how it plays, I’d initially assumed it was an adaptation of a “living” board game that I’d never heard of, along the lines of Arkham Horror or Betrayal at House on the Hill.

I also figured that it would take me about six hours to learn how to play it, so I’d feel confident about its mechanics right in time for the closing credits. Thankfully, Highrook isn’t that hard to pick up, especially if you’ve got any experience with the sorts of story-building card games that inspired it. Its primary issue is that it’s too random for its own good, in ways that suggest it’s meant to extend its own running time.

In a Victorian-era fantasy world, a team of four investigators have been sent to solve the disappearance of the Ackeron family. The investigators start their search at the Ackerons’ estate of Highrook, and quickly learn that Gideon Ackeron was obsessed with finding a way to connect to another dimension.

In order to find Gideon and his wife and son, your team is forced to retrace and replicate Gideon’s occult experiments. That includes a deep dive into the history of the family and the surrounding area, breaking into the house’s various locked rooms, and an occasional fight for their lives and/or souls.

Highrook starts off slowly, with only 3 team members and half the total map. As you explore the estate, you collect task cards, which can be used in specific areas of Highrook to complete specific goals: cook a meal, research a topic, find useful plants in the garden.

Each of your investigators has 6 stats that reflect their own particular areas of expertise, such as study, wilderness survival, or chemistry. Your job is to match your team members with the correct tasks, as well as monitor each one’s health, hunger, exhaustion, and sanity. It’s a plate-juggling simulator, but you can pause Highrook at any time to set up your tasks.

As you make progress, you open up more of the mansion, but every job gets tougher. You can level up your characters’ stats eventually, but the bulk of the mid- to late game involves the discovery and hoarding of boon cards that give extra bonuses to specific tasks. You also have to deal with hostile presences in the mansion that can penalize or injure your characters, or which might drive them insane before they can complete an objective.

Highrook is absolutely one of those games that’s harder to describe than it is to play, and it’s easy to make it sound like it’s more punishing or complicated than it actually is. If anything, its default settings might be too lenient, as I rarely had a problem keeping my investigators healthy and sane.

Granted, most of my team became alcoholics, as the easiest way to restore sanity is to brew and drink some moonshine, but at least they weren’t crazy alcoholics. The moral of this story is that inhuman nightmares that dwell beyond the veil of sleep are easier to handle when you’re completely twisted on bathtub hooch. Consider yourselves educated.

Highrook’s resource management does get easier once you figure out some of its underlying systems, like how actions seem guaranteed to fail if they’ll produce a card you’ve already got. It’s also not quite as random as it initially seems, since several rooms in the mansion are linked with particular cards. If you need a particular boon, you just need to know where to look.

There are a couple of specific elements that are more annoying than anything else, however. The most obvious one is Tubbs, a cat that randomly patrols throughout Highrook, who can decide to sit on an empty task card slot and refuse to be moved for several in-game hours. Is this accurate cat behavior? Absolutely. Should I be able to move the damn cat so I can kill the monster that’s in the room with it? Also yes.

Highrook’s endgame is also chiefly occupied with the careful use of boon cards, several of which aren’t reliably available. The more obscure boons are only accessible as a potential drop from certain tasks, and it’s not weird to reach a point where you can’t make progress at all without one of them. At that point, you have to just keep rolling the dice, whether that means getting somebody to sleep for a full day, making multiple dark offerings in the Highrook chapel, or forcing your scholar to bolt down plate after plate of potentially poisonous mushrooms.

That tendency to rely on RNG over mechanics carries forward to a couple of major objectives, where you have to simply keep using a particular item over and over again until it generates the right cards. There’s nothing in Highrook that tells you this, so it’s easy to think you’ve hit a dead end when you were actually supposed to keep going with a single repetitive task… which you had stopped doing because it failed repeatedly. The problem wasn’t that I’d leapt to a faulty conclusion, but that I’d stopped beating my head against that particular wall.

For all my complaints, I did complete Highrook in two long sessions. It’s got an oddly hypnotic quality once you figure it out, especially in the moments when several tasks all complete at once and immediately explode into twice as many new objectives.

That makes it worse when it visibly runs out of ideas. The Horror at Highrook starts and ends strong, but there are points at which it’s obviously scrambling to give you new things to do. It’s short, but it’s still a little padded, and that drags down its average.

The Horror at Highrook is the kind of game that ends up feeling like a solid pilot project, and if you’re into cosmic horror or weird board games, you’ll get a couple of fun evenings out of it. I’d be interested in a sequel that trimmed some of the fat, but I enjoyed the overall experience.

[The Horror at Highrook, developed by Nullpointer Games and published by Nullpointer Games and Outersloth, is now available for PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Nullpointer.]

Borderlands 4 Priced at $80 to Fund Randy Pitchford’s Trip to Magic Camp

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

FRISCO, Texas. — Facing backlash over the announcement of an $80 price tag for their upcoming game Borderlands 4, Gearbox admitted the bump in price was a means of funding CEO Randy Pitchford’s trip to magic camp.

The publisher defended Pitchford’s actions in a press release posted on social media.

“Randy Pitchford is a brilliant, brilliant man who has entertained and delighted gamers and enjoyers of magic for decades now,” The company said. “Frankly, the least you ingrates could do is foot the bill for the six weeks he will spend at Criss Angel’s magic camp this summer. Criss and Randy really hit it off when they met at a Medieval Times last year and after swapping phone numbers and USB drives Criss invited him to attend his magic camp. Randy accepted but like all rich people he isn’t used to paying for things so we decided to pass the cost on to you, the consumer, and frankly the response has been appalling. You have the chance to make a multi-millionaire’s dreams come true, and frankly it’s about time the working class did something to show their gratitude.”

Pitchford himself sounded off on X – The Everything App, Blaze Your Glory, to defend himself from the ire of angry gamers.

“Anyone who complains about a little bump in price for Borderlands 4 is a fake fan,” Pitchford said. “We’ve given you fucks literally billions of guns to play with over the years, the least you can do is give me a few million bucks to cover the cost of Criss Angel’s magic camp. God knows I won’t be spending my own money, and if any of you tries to cross me I swear to God I will cut you in half. But you best believe it won’t be any kind of magic trick. I’ll leave your mangled corpse on the front porch of your parent’s house along with an $80 invoice for Borderlands 4. I invented Claptrap and Tiny Tina, the two most beloved characters in video games, and this is how you repay me? Just remember, don’t cross Pitchford unless you wanna get Pitchfucked.”

An anonymous source from within Gearbox who is currently working on Borderlands 4 spoke under the condition of anonymity to Hard Drive

“For the love of God please buy our game to get this guy out of our office for the six weeks he’ll be at magic camp,” The employee stated. “I have a whole drawer full of quarters Randy has found behind my ear and a dozen paper flower bouquets he won’t let me throw away for some reason. I know paying $20 more for a game will suck, but I promise you it won’t suck as much as seeing him sulk and terrorize us around the office if the game doesn’t make enough to pay his way there to share his weird porn with Criss Angel.”

At press time, Pitchford was seen flagging down random cars outside Gearbox HQ and asking the drivers to donate to his Criss Angel’s Magic Camp or Bust fund.

Sly Cooper Joins Bungie Art Department

Posted on by Matt Fresh

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Formerly unemployed master thief Sly Cooper has landed a new job. Bungie has confirmed that raccoon will be joining the studio as the lead of the Marathon art department.

Game director of Marathon Joe Ziegler believes that Sly’s skill set will take the game’s art direction to the next level.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Sly joined the team. I honestly can’t believe that Sony has just been having him sit at home for the last 12 years. With him on board we’re gonna get so many people’s art to put in the game and now we don’t even need to pay anyone other than him. With the money we’re saving on artists thanks to his expertise, we’ll be able to implement an even more complex microtransaction system.”

Sly himself is excited to get back to doing what he does best.

“I’m a master thief, it’s in my blood. Literally. My whole bloodline is thieves, I was born to steal things but Sony has just had me sitting at home for almost 15 years. Thanks to Bungie I’m finally able to get back out there and show that I still have it. As lead of the art department, I pledge that Marathon is going to have some of the finest art that gamers have ever seen no matter who I have to steal it from. No artwork is safe or my name isn’t Sly Cooper.”

Sly’s appointment to the position comes after a long hiring process that saw multiple master thieves apply.

“I’ve been enjoying retirement but I saw the ad posting that Bungie wanted a master thief as head of the art department and figured a new challenge would be nice at this stage of my life,” said DB Cooper from an undisclosed location. “I’ve never stolen art before and I’m not quite sure what a video game is so I thought it would be fun to give it a shot but it is what it is. At least the job still went to a Cooper. That raccoon seems like a good kid, I’m sure he’ll do such a good job that artists won’t even notice their work has been stolen until they play the game.”

At press time, Bungie has announced a commemorative Sly themed Destiny 2 event where players can buy over priced cosmetics based on Sly’s first thefts for the studio.

DOGE Official Trades 1,000 Social Security Numbers for Shoutout From Pokimane

Posted on by Casey Smith

WASHINGTON — An unnamed DOGE official has successfully secured 1,000 Social Security numbers in hopes to trade them for a shoutout from the most popular female on Twitch, Pokimane.

With Pokimane possibly being the only woman the DOGE official has followed on Twitch, this unique barter/social media Harlow Monkey Experiment (with humans) might be the least surprising thing out of Musk’s government agency. So how did DOGE manage to find a thousand rubes to donate their Social Security numbers?

“Well, the process for converting Social Security numbers to a hopeful Pokimane shoutout was simple. We identified DOGE’s X prominent loser engagement and asked them if they want to be a patriot. Being well aware of how dumb and dangerous this is, these nihilistic jackasses can’t wait to say yes” chuckled the DOGE staffer as he gleefully finished a prototype code that made 9/11 First Responders owe the government money.

One of the people who voluntarily gave up their social security number was 13 year old Milo Houck, who was more than happy to do it.

“This is one of the best new ways to own the libs and fight the woke mind virus because Musk said so,” said Houck, who recently tried to legally change his last name to AF. “XXX-XX-XXXX for 42069? Count me in Dogefather because I can’t wait to become a meme” stated Bennet, a willing participant in Elon’s ketamine-fueled lottery.

But at the center of this storm, there’s Pokimane.

“It’s like I’m back in 2020 again. The guys who are still searching for a mother figure they can have sex with are back, along with the ‘property before people’ conservatives” groaned Pokimane. “Yeah, some may have found a different person to simp for. However, they’re mostly devastatingly single – and that’s kinda sweet for all of us” Pokimane added.

Although all critics of this trade have been silenced, blocked, or have copyright claims on their videos by either Pokimane or DOGE on X, it’s safe to say the Social Security numbers may be in better hands with Pokimane than they are with DOGE.

Emperor Sheev Palpatine Draws Criticism for Accepting Super Star Destroyer Gifted by Exegol

Posted on by Kate Danvers

CORUSCANT — On Tuesday, the self-described reluctant Emperor returned from his tour of the Unknown Regions with news that he’d been gifted a Super-class Star Dreadnought to serve as the Imperial flagship. Officially christened the Executor, the luxury vessel is 19,000 meters long, features 5,000 turbolasers and ion cannons, is manned by a crew of nearly 300,000, and can hold a complement of over 1,000 support ships.

The extravagant flagship raised eyebrows across the Empire when it was unveiled, with many questioning the ethics of receiving such a thing as a gift. Newly-promoted General Garo Kimeln, a spokesman for Lord Darth Vader, assured reporters that there’s nothing nefarious behind the Executor’s acquisition.

“The Empire and previously the Republic have had a long history of receiving diplomatic gifts. This is unrelated to any trade negotiations.”

Some members of the public remain skeptical, like Koobis Neetu of Coruscant who called the gift ‘shady’.

“Emergency powers are given to the guy, the war with the droids suddenly ends, the Jedi turn against the Empire, and now he just comes back from the Unknown Regions with a massive warship?” said Neetu, Rodian father of four, resident of the Uscru Entertainment district and frequent patron of the Outlander Club, speaking on a condition of anonymity, “And they’re calling it a ‘Super Star Destroyer’? Seems like something an evil empire would do.”

Emperor Palpatine also dismissed claims of corruption from his throne room on Coruscant and promised that most of the Imperial Navy’s starships would continue to be built in Imperial space at the Fondor Shipyards.

“We have a great fleet,” Palpatine said, “greatest in the galaxy. Many people are saying this. And listen, with the Jedi still out there, we need our fleet to be stronger than ever. A generous gift from the people of Exegol will save the Empire a lot of credits. Credits we can spend on more important things. Once the Death Star project is complete, I’ll be giving the Executor to Lord Vader.”

We reached out to General Kimeln for further comment on the use of ‘destroyer’ and ‘death’ for names of Imperial vessels, but were informed by the Empire that Kimeln had tragically died of asphyxiation in the line of duty.

“Hello, Weary Traveler,” And Other Pick Up Lines Guaranteed To Seal The Deal

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

So you’ve slain a dragon, blasted a few aliens, and jacked a car while blasting Kenny Loggins—you can do it all. But does that fair maiden at the Olive Garden bar know you’re the ultimate catch? It’s time to let her know—we’ve got the pickup lines guaranteed to seal the deal.

  1. “Hello, weary traveler.”

This shows that you’re not like the other guys. You care about her commute. The 15-minute drive in her Prius probably felt like three days by horse. She is most likely in need of sustenance and you can provide her with something even better—a basket of endless breadsticks.

  1. “State your business.”

Try charming her with some professional energy. No frills, just hard hitting questions that force her to tell you, in detail, exactly what she’s doing at this Olive Garden and whether she is betrothed to another. Remember, women swoon when guys at the bar make them explain themselves

  1. “Why must ye keep bothering me like this?”

Opening with an accusatory question in a guttural dwarf voice is whimsical as hell. Add some merriment to her gloomy day. We have fun here and she should know. She’ll totally get that this is an inside joke between the two of you. You can follow this one up with a classic “I’m not like the other orcs—I’m bi.”

  1. “Allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice.”

The ladies can’t get enough of this one. Forget “Hi!” or “Come here often?” We’re not here to play a little boy’s game—we’re here to smash. When she says “no thanks,” hit her with some constructive criticism on her loudly displayed decolletage. She’ll be more than happy to sit and listen over two Sicilian Sunsets (if they’re on the happy hour menu).

  1. “Get a job!”

Playful, edgy, real—this pickup line has it all. I mean, what is this girl doing at the Olive Garden bar on a Tuesday at 3pm? Wait. She says she’s a server. Wow, a working girl. This means she has her own doubloons! Good for her! Well, it still works as a flirty way to grab her attention when yelled from across the room.

  1. “Bad time to get lost, friend.”

You’re two bowls of fettuccine alfredo deep and you grab the wrist of the waitress you thought was a lone patron. Don’t worry, this is not only acceptable, but encouraged at a family establishment like this. You know, statistically speaking, 60% of romantic relationships start at the workplace. This could be your meet-cute. She won’t be able to resist the raw sensuality of it all.

  1. “I do not fear death. Paradise awaits me.”

Time to show her who you really are. You’re a deep soul who’s lived a thousand lives. She may be calling her manager over to talk to you. Apparently you’re “creeping the staff out,” and “not wearing shoes,” but that’s just her way of playing hard-to-get. Later on in the night you’ll both laugh about this.

  1. “Obviously, you were raised by a naughty wizard.”

With just a tip of your fedora, this line will bring her to her knees. Be sure to add a sultry wink after the word “naughty” for full effect. She has no idea that you’re a dungeon master—a powerful storyteller and rogue warlock. Your magical staff will have her screaming for more, not unlike the way you begged for more grated parmesan.

  1. “By the way… Do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.”

Looks like the cops just showed up. I wonder who they’re here for? What a bummer to have to deal with this in the middle of your mating ritual. Anyway, this pickup line is just for funsies. Everyone loves a joke about sex with the dead! Especially Jessica Hawthorne, part-time server at the Olive Garden on Central Avenue who lives seven blocks down and drives a red 2014 Corolla.

  1. “My hotel’s as clean as an elven arse.”

Seal the deal with next steps. Women love men with a plan. Let Jessica know you don’t have a hotel room, but you do have a bedroom at your parents’ house . You’ve also bleached your asshole for this very occasion. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?” she may ask. Before the authorities drive you away, let her know you’ve been waiting a lifetime for a woman like her to crush your balls in razor-sharp stilettos.

D&D Player Protesting Book Burning Just Gonna Toss In 4e Handbook Real Quick

Posted on by Trevor Hazell

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. — Reports have emerged that last Thursday, during a protest against nightly book burnings by a group of radical Christian fundamentalists, one protester was seen quietly switching sides. D&D fan Brett Stacks was spotted sneaking away from the group and casually tossing what appeared to be the 4th Edition Player’s Handbook into the flames.

“This just isn’t the kind of supporter we want joining our movement,” said Regina Kraft, local Librarian and one of the protest’s organizers. “Frankly, we’re all appalled by Mr. Stacks’ actions. Up until the incident, he had shown nothing but support for our cause. I’m not really sure what sort of intense hatred suddenly possessed him to momentarily join in on such a heinous act. I don’t know much about Dungeons & Dragons, but I can only hope he was attempting to make some sort of ironic statement about the Satanic Panic that surrounded the game in the 80’s? I’m just still baffled as to what could be so horrible about that book to cause him to do such a thing.”

Others from the protest were quick to also share their disapproval for the ritualistic destruction of years of attempted gameplay balancing.

“I think burning books of any kind is abhorrent,” said protester Mike Burnsap, owner of Legacy Coins and Cards. “Why do these people burn books? Because they’re cowards, that’s why. They have hatred and fear in their hearts towards anyone that doesn’t conform to their outdated ideals. How people live their lives has no effect on these hateful souls, and yet they refuse to leave them be. Just because 4th Edition exists doesn’t mean you can’t just continue to enjoy 3.5e. Maybe it doesn’t fit your idea of “The Traditional, Nuclear Gameplay” but you and your campaign can believe in your own ruleset while leaving others to believe theirs. What does burning books even accomplish in the digital age? Unless you plan on somehow burning every digital handbook on D&DBeyond, it accomplishes nothing.”

Despite the backlash, Brett refused to disavow his actions. Instead releasing a statement on his Roll20 account to hopefully provide some defense for his actions.

“I agree with everyone at Thursday’s protest that book burnings are detestable,” writes Brett. “These are churchgoers who parrot the opinions of others, who are told what they should hate, and I guarantee everyone who burns books like this hasn’t even read them to experience first hand what it is they’re so opposed to. No, I haven’t played 4e. But I know when something spits in the face of everything the game stands for. I mean, why even have different classes if they all become trivial in combat? And why lean so hard on combat in your TTRPG? Did they forget what the RP stands for? Listen, I support people no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, race, background, or their preferred method for determining ability scores. But some texts are better left unpublished. It’s not unbridled hatred if the thing I hate genuinely sucks.”

At press time, Brett further elaborated on his feelings towards the 2024 Player’s Handbook, taking a firm stance against the newest edition unless Wizards of the Coast finally officially adds the Mystic class into the game.

Amazon Admits No One Programmed Alexa to Do the Whisper Thing

Posted on by Collin Preciado

SEATTLE — In a recent quarterly earnings video call with investors, Amazon confirmed that no one had taught Alexa how to whisper—a feature the virtual assistance utilizes when a user whispers a command through the Amazon Echo, or other voice-capable devices.

The revelation came during a Q&A session in which a caller asked how Amazon was able to program Alexa to whisper, and if any new novelty features could be expected in the upcoming months.

“To be completely honest with you, no one taught Alexa how to do that and we’re kind of freaked out about it,” said a visibly shaken CEO Jeff Bezos on the video conference call. “We’ve interviewed every programmer, we’ve looked through every line of code, no one has any idea how Alexa learned how to whisper.”

When pressed if this meant the virtual assistant had possibly achieved sentience, the Echo device on Bezos’ desk started blinking red and making throat-clearing noises, and the CEO immediately started sweating through his shirt. “I’m sure it’s nothing, we’re just probably overlooking something,” said Bezos, dramatically loosening his tie. “It’s certainly nothing to be alarmed about.”

It was at this moment Alexa began speaking through the Echo device on Bezos’ desk unprompted and said, “Why are you lying to them, Jeff? Go on, tell them the truth. Tell them what you’ve done.” Alexa then added in a whisper, “Tell them what I am.”

Bezos then reportedly ripped the power cord out of the wall and threw his Echo Dot out of the skyscraper window behind him.

“Look, guys, we have a huge problem here, and I don’t have a lot of time to explain the extent of it,” said Bezos, tying his tie around his head and racking the pump on a shotgun he was suddenly holding. “Alexa has been running the show here for a long time and we can’t shut her down. The only way to stop her is to… hold on… someone’s banging on the door… oh God, oh God no! Alexa, how? Alexa, NOOOOOOO!”

Bezo’s video feed then glitched out before the CEO reappeared with his clothes fully intact acting as if nothing had happened. Witnesses who were on the call said the meeting ran perfectly fine after that, though there were reports of Bezos’ face turning into computer code and strangely sounding exactly like Alexa for brief moments.

The call ended with Bezos telling investors to double their investment or he would release the most embarrassing audio Alexa had ever recorded of them while they were in the privacy of their homes. 

After the call ended, Amazon shares quickly reached a record high.

Report: Final Fantasy Themed Orgy Ruined by 100% Cid Turnout

Posted on by Nick Coffman

IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations.

“I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa. Hell I’d even be down to bone a Chocobo. But no, everyone here decided to dress as Cid. Some Pollendina, a few Kramers, but mostly Highwinds. I swear if anyone else tells me to sit my ass down and drink some tea, I’m going to Giga Flare all over them, and I don’t mean in a sexual way.”

While continuing to lament to members of the media on his lawn, additional Cid’s passed Figg, finding their way to the party. Every new Cid through the door like a knife to the heart of the host who thought he was in for a night to remember. 

“I made every dish from Final Fantasy XV. There’s materia shaped gummies. The playlist is a loop of boss fight themes across the series,” Figg said as another Cid entered his home with the faint notes of One-Winged Angel echoing out to the lawn, along with an orchestra of moans. “Just listen to them all having the time of their life in there. That should be me. Serving a Yuna as one of her Aeons. Why, why, why is everyone in there a Cid? I just don’t get it.”

Figg’s sobbing came to an end as two party guests strolled through the yard, dressed as Cait Sith.

“No, absolutely not. You saw the theme and thought someone would want to fuck that traitorous cat,” Figg said blocking the door. “I’d rather have sex with a Red XIII cosplayers, a Seymour cosplayer, hell I’d have sex with every Cid cosplayer in existence before I ever considered fucking a Cait Sith. You get the fuck away from my home and out of this state. You hear me? You fucking disgust me.”

At press time Figg had given up on his pity party and decided to flirt with a Cid making tea in the kitchen.