Hades Game Fan Desperately Tries and Fails to Avoid Incest Ships While Writing Fanfiction

Posted on by Jim Tatalias

CHICAGO — Despite her best efforts, 15-year-old Katherine Vargas reportedly cannot write any Hades fanfiction without incest cropping up as part of the story.

“So I started playing Hades and saw all the gods and goddesses and was like, this is like a perfect sandbox for shippers like me, so I got writing,” said Vargas, about her first story that envisioned Ares and Athena in an enemies-to-lovers romance. “All of a sudden, it starts picking up tons of interest from incest fetish people, and I was like, ew, what?” The one-time honor student claims she was unaware that the two were siblings.

Undeterred, the potential college aspirant attempted more stories with other romantic pairings. “Apollo and Artemis! Aphrodite and Ares! Zeus and Poseidon! I became the number one incest fanfic author on AO3. How? Tell me how?!” Vargas said. “So finally I looked up their family tree. Turned out it was more like a family knotted-up ball Christmas lights. Jesus.”

James Vargas, the author’s father, 44, began to notice a clear change in his daughter’s behavior as she spent more and more time writing these stories. “I stopped seeing her for days! And when I did see her, she’d be all weird,” he said. “Like I made her favorite potato skins, and at dinner I asked if she wanted hers naked or filled up. Then she sorta just stared into my eyes for a minute, then called me a creep, and ran off. Whereas she usually likes her skins filled up.” It is reported that Katherine Vargas has deleted her account on the website Archive of Our Own (AO3).

At press time, Vargas reportedly decided to start writing fanfiction in private, beginning with a vanilla romance about the main character of Hades’s parents, Hades and Persephone, but was horrified to find that Hades is Persephone’s uncle.

Sony Announces Next Gen Remake of Game They Haven’t Released Yet

Posted on by Nick Coffman

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Sony Interactive Entertainment announced earlier this week that they are currently working on a next gen remake for a game that has not yet been released. Newly appointed SIE President and CEO, Hideaki Nishino, confirmed the long rumored remake during the latest State of Play presentation.

“When I took this position I swore I would continue to grow PlayStation through IP expansion and technology innovation,” Nishino said in a The Last of Us Part II Remastered t-shirt. “The remaster of this unreleased game will introduce a new audience to the expansive world we’re still building and the lovable characters we haven’t even created yet.”

Players who plan to drop $80 on the original game, when it releases, have voiced their concerns about paying for the eventual remaster. Nishino weathered those concerns during his presentation.

“I know $80 is a lot for the original and I know $100 is even more for the remake, but true fans will pay those prices and understand that is just the costs of making and remaking art,” Nishino said before revealing the logo of [Working Title] Remastered to thunderous pre-recorded applause. “I can also reveal today, if you preorder both the original game and the remaster, you’ll receive a free sticker of your favorite, currently unannounced character. All you pay is the shipping and handling!”

Understanding that this remaster may not be for everyone, Nishino then went on to announce multiple new products in rapid succession.

“We’ve got something for everyone coming in the next calendar year,” Nishino said as he danced around the stage in excitement. “Did you like Knack and Knack II? We’re releasing a remastered bundle of both games. Big Helldivers fan? We’re rereleasing the first game on PS5. Like Xbox exclusives? We’re getting the second remake of Gears of War, so you don’t have to buy a god awful Xbox. Tired of all these remakes and want something original? Don’t worry we got you. Insomniac is working on a new Marvel game.”

At press time, pre-orders for the untitled original game and its remaster went live at all major retailers.

Wizards of the Coast Preparing to Announce New Controversy

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

RENTON, Wash. — Principal Magic: The Gathering designer, Gavin Verhey has revealed that Wizards of the Coast is set to announce a brand new controversy.

Verhey spoke about the upcoming controversy in one of the regular videos he makes for the popular TCG’s YouTube channel.

“Obviously keeping our fanbase engaged is a big challenge, and we find that there is no better way to get people talking about Magic than by doing something they will absolutely hate,” Verhey said. “I wish I could reveal more at this time, but I promise what we have in the works will make them nostalgic for the venture into the dungeon mechanic. I look forward to the many death threats and wishes of bodily harm I know our most passionate fans will be sending my way.”

Popular Magic YouTuber and host of Tolarian Community College, Brian Lewis AKA “The Professor” uploaded a reaction video entitled, “Quitting Magic And Becoming A Yu-Gi-Oh Channel”.

“Many Magic: The Gathering players ask, ‘When should I stop taking shit from Wizards of the Coast?’, and I am here to tell you that today is the day.” The Professor said, “If you thought Daybound and Nightbound was bad, well, this latest controversy has forced my hand–no pun intended–and from this day forward the Tolarian Community College is no more. From this moment on this channel will only make Yu-Gi-Oh content and will be rebranded as ‘Domino City Community College’. I will also be retiring my famous phrase, ‘Reading the card explains the card.’, because have you ever tried reading a Yu-Gi-Oh card? That shit is indecipherable.”

Wizards of the Coast PR released a brief and uncredited statement defending the announcement of the new controversy.

“We know you piggies will swarm like the swine you are around the trough once we put this shit up for sale. We could put a little turd in each booster pack and as long as we said 1 in 4 turds had bits of foil in it they’d sell out immediately because no piggie can resist a bucket of sweet sweet slop.”

At press time, Wizards of the Coast had announced a limited run of Rainbow Foil Turds on Secret Lair that briefly crashed the website due to customer demand.

Opinion: These Methods May Seem Extreme, but in the Long Run They Will Bring Order to California (By Caesar)

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

So you’re the courier who dares to speak out against the Legion.

My trusted frumentarius, Vulpes Inculta, has told me of your outrage as you witnessed the burning ruins of what was once Nipton. My legionaries brought order to a lawless city of California, and yet rather than sing praises of our triumph you shed tears for the criminals we stopped? A lesser leader would have you dragged out and detained for daring to question us, but I am no barbarian.

It pains me to admit it, but nobody ever fully shrugs off the teachings of the Followers of the Apocalypse. Deep down, Caesar really is a sweetheart, but if you tell anybody I’ll crucify you. So just for you, I will grant the boon of wisdom. Allow me to explain why the New California Republic must be destroyed.

The Legion and the NCR were both born out of the lands of savage tribals. As mighty Rome did to the Sabines so long ago, we brought our neighbors to our heel. The tribes could assimilate or die. Either way, we erased all traces of their primitive language and culture, and the Legion was stronger for it.

But even before its decay, the NCR was soft. They welcomed themselves to migrants. President Tandi herself once made negotiations with the same tribal terrorist who destroyed the great Enclave all so she could welcome a vault full of vagrant squatters. Now, though, the NCR languishes under Aaron Kimball, a leader so incompetent my men call him Somnolentus Aaron. Kimball has allowed his country to be flooded with dangerous criminals, destroying their economy.

Compare that to how I have transformed Arizona. Crime is all but nonexistent. Traders can do business in peace. Traditional values are upheld. Women know their place. Degeneracy is punished. We do not coddle the weak and infirm (except, for reasons I don’t have to explain, people with brain tumors). We trust the natural remedies of healing powder instead of injecting ourselves with dangerous stimpaks, and the scientists of the Brotherhood of Steel are nowhere to be found. Ask anyone who isn’t crucified or enslaved, and they will tell you life under the Legion’s rule is a veritable Elysium.

The NCR has suffered from burdensome leadership long enough. The people of California must be liberated from foreign invaders, and that is why I will invade them. The profligates will complain, of course. Lanius told me they have “Caesar derangement.” But history will thank me. Our mass crucifixions are a small price to pay if it prevents chaos and violence.

Now fuck off. Go kill Mr. House or something. I need to plan the military parade following our triumph at Hoover Dam.

Trump Administration Condemns Mario Kart World’s Open Border Policy

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt spoke out against the open world design of Mario Kart World for the Nintendo Switch 2, the newest game in the long-running series.

“Frankly, if you don’t have strong borders, you don’t have a kingdom,” said Leavitt. “This game erases the cultural distinctions between Peach Stadium and Moo Moo Meadows. If you can just drive between one track and the next, then how can you say they’re even different tracks? These beautiful, unique courses just blend together to become one bland, unspectacular overworld. And, if we’re being honest, everyone here knows that a society like Boo Cinema could never build DK Spaceport. President Trump demands that Nintendo immediately eliminate the open world elements of the newest Mario Kart title.”

Some Trump supporters were surprised by the administration’s strong stance.

“This isn’t what I voted for,” said Robert O’Brien, 43, a Long Island native. “Sure, I don’t like it when you spend two whole laps driving to the next course on a wide, straight highway, then barely get to drive on the actual track. But that’s a Grand Prix problem. The various connected paths are perfect for Knockout Tour, and the open world itself is fun when you want to chill out and explore. I can’t believe how extreme Trump has been on this issue. If he keeps it up for another year or two, I might even consider insincerely threatening not to support him any more.”

Prominent Democrats attempted to use the issue to court moderate voters.

“Now, of course, I’m not in favor of open world games,” said Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz. “I think a strong, linear path is the best way to construct an interactive narrative. We should respect the traditional gaming values that built this country. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s okay to tell a company that’s been around for over a century how to conduct itself. There’s plenty of compromises we could make. We obviously can’t allow full freedom of movement, but there are other options. Nintendo is no stranger to Warp Zones or sequence breaking. I don’t think any reasonable person could be opposed to those kinds of measures.”

At press time, President Trump had deployed a detachment of 800 Koopa Troopas to, “liberate,” Crown City.

New York Times Games Adds New ‘Endorsement’ Puzzle

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

NEW YORK — The New York Times Games app has added a new logic puzzle based on the city’s upcoming Democratic mayoral primary election, sources confirm.

“Clue 1: You must not rank Zohran Mamdani,” reads the first—and, so far, only—puzzle. “Clue 2: We are not endorsing Andrew Cuomo. Clue 3: Really, we do not make official endorsements on local elections anymore. Clue 4: You must rank either Mamdani or Cuomo without violating any of the previous directives.”

Fans of the app were happy to see new content.

“I already use the app every day for Wordle and Spelling Bee,” said Charles Callahan, 64. “This should keep me busy for a while. It’s pretty confusing. It’s supposed to be about voting, but there’s spots for more than one name. I don’t really understand it. When I click ‘hint,’ it just tells me that sexual harassment is a personal matter and shouldn’t be something that you consider when you vote. Oh well, I guess I’ll just write ‘Cuomo,’ since I recognize his name the most. They write about him in the paper all the time. Hey! That was the right answer! The game says I’m very smart for figuring it out.”

Media analyst Spencer Kane, 33, speculated that the New York Times and other publications will increasingly deliver a variety of content in the form of puzzle games.

“This is just how our media landscape is evolving in 2025,” said Kane. “Matrices and grids have taken over film and sports discussion. Older folks who were still following legacy media have since abandoned in favor of spamming family group chats with their daily Wordle-like scores. Soon, you’ll have to guess the upcoming week’s weather just to know what the forecast is. It’s no surprise that the Times is using this to find a way to give a mealy-mouthed non-endorsement to Cuomo after they vowed never to endorse in local contests ever again. It’s basically as clever as they get.”

When reached for comment, The New York Times directed reporters to two separate public relations representatives—one who always tells the truth, and one who always lies.

J.K. Rowling Confirms Dumbledore Was Just Going Through a Phase, Actually

Posted on by Corey Arbor

BIRMINGHAM, England — Controversial author J.K. Rowling courted controversy online when she tweeted that her iconic gay character Professor Dumbledore had actually just been going through a phase when he began a long and loving relationship with fellow wizard Gellert Grindelwald and had dated, and even married, a series of conventionally attractive, cisgender, heterosexual women.

“Dumbledore’s sexuality was never on the forefront of my mind, so when you just assume he had a homosexual relationship because I said he did, you can’t therefore assume he’s some kind of deviant homosexual! It’s nowhere in the text, it’s nowhere on the page, that isn’t how literature works, you filthy freaks!” the author emphatically insisted, receiving several replies featuring AI-generated images of a six-fingered Dumbledore holding the hand of a woman who appeared to be a construct of Rowling and several other prominent women in the online TERF space.

Fans were split, with die-hard fans of the series, its many spin-offs, and fan contributions being utterly unsurprised at this point. 

“At this point, it’s not really in your hands what Dumbledore is and isn’t,” responded user Potterless-And-Proud, in a now blocked post. “Most people engage more with fan projects and spin-offs that aren’t directly connected to you than they do the original books nowadays. We especially don’t care about your weird, endless retcons that you only post online for attention. She can keep stealing from lesser-known creators. It’s not like her new work has found any kind of audience at all.”

Fans of Rowling who followed her hateful advocacy rather than her written works rallied behind her.

“I’ve been saying it all along: it makes no sense for Dumbledore to be gay,” wrote one fan account that had been created five minutes previously and still did not have an avatar. “At no point is he weird or inappropriate with those children. He only puts them in danger and constantly contradicts himself and other teachers around them for their own good! Tell me where that sounds ‘GAY!’”

Rowling was seen gleefully retweeting the same 3 bots and 10 blue check followers she always does while counting her money and insisting it definitely filled the hole where creative contentment and the respect of your peers should have gone.

$80 Game Surprisingly Easy to Shoplift

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

PLANO, Texas — Gamer Clarence Scott, 38, was shocked at how easily he was able to steal a copy of Mario Kart World from his local Target, despite the game’s premium price tag.

“It was in that locked glass case like all the other games,” said Scott, recounting the events as he excitedly paced around his living room. “But after I asked the kid who worked there to get it out for me, I said I was looking for a few more things. I thought he’d say he needed to hold it at the counter or something, but he just shrugged and walked away. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I must be some kind of master manipulator. Like, I must be subconsciously using that neuro-linguistic programming stuff I read about. It’s the only logical explanation. I need to capitalize on this.”

Richard Allen, 23, the clerk who retrieved the game from the locked display case, said that he knew exactly what Scott was doing.

“Oh, dude was totally lifting it,” said Allen, still standing behind the electronics counter at Target. “Doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t see any extra money for selling a game, no matter how much it costs. Guy wants to play Mario Kart, I don’t see why I should stop him from doing it. Hell, they even tell us not to pursue shoplifters in training. They do tell us to report it, but they got cameras for that. I’m not trying to take away work from a struggling security camera.”

Video game developer Victor Bottin, 33, condemned Scott’s actions.

“Triple-A video games are more expensive to make than ever,” said Bottin, who currently works at Electronic Arts and has previously been employed by Activision Blizzard and Riot Games. “More expensive than any media in history, and not by a little. Prices should have gone up a long time ago. Frankly, this is one of the cheapest hobbies out there, and gamers still complain about how much money they have to pay for countless hours of entertainment. People who steal games are literally taking money out of my pocket. They’re really hurting working developers, not just a faceless corporation. I mean, my team just shipped a game, and—hang on, I just got an email. Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. I just got laid off again.”

At press time, Scott was reportedly inconsolable after a planned heist of GameStop went sideways when his entire score consisted of empty cases.

Shy-Guy Arrested for Wearing Mask at “No Koopa Kings” Protest

Posted on by Sidney Conant

SUNSET WILDS — Tensions are high after local authorities arrested a Shy-Guy demonstrator for wearing a mask at one of the hundreds of “No Koopa Kings” protests held throughout the Mushroom Kingdom on Saturday, sources confirm.

“You know, it’s pretty sad when your constituents don’t trust you enough to show you who they really are,” said SWPD Police Chief Pete Anta before pepper spraying a nearby protester and launching tear gas into the crowd. “When I put on this uniform and obscure my name and badge number from the public view, I do it in the hopes that the people of this great kingdom understand our need to deport hard-working immigrants as well as mouthy citizens if they believe in something I disagree with. And it’s not like I take any enjoyment out of tearing families apart—far from it. I’m just doing what I know will benefit the greater good; i.e., my career. Once I send enough innocents to the maximum-security prison on Isle Delfino, the Koopa Commando will have to consider me for a promotion to Mini Boss and not just some lackey that will be tossed aside once I’m through furthering his interests.”

A fellow anonymous protester expressed frustration for having to endure law enforcement presence at the rally which is being held on the same day as King Bowser’s notorious 45 million gold coin military parade. 

“These fucking chucksters aren’t even trying to hide it anymore,” said the nameless Toad, tossing a banana peel into the path of police vehicles illegally hauling people away. “ The pigs are only here to protect the wealth of the ruling class, and they have no qualms with trampling on our constitutional rights to serve those needs. They can try to remove our masks to keep us in the shadows, but there’s no way our voices won’t be heard. And did you know that 40% of these bastards admit to throwing their wives through windows? Insane.”

King Bowser was asked his thoughts on the unlawful arrest and the “No Koopa Kings” protests.

“Ah yes, Sunset Wilds. A shame what happened to it when the illegal Cry-Guys invaded. Real shame,” said Bowser waving to imaginary crowds from the captain’s seat of his airship. “Would you look at them? Wow. There must be a trillion fans down there, maybe more. These are numbers unheard of, folks, believe me. We have this big, beautiful parade, and what do they have? Nothing. Nothing but a low-IQ gathering of nobodies in the land of don’t-know-don’t-care. Backed by the…GREAT… Cackling Cackletta—can you believe it? Cackling Cackletta…Wow.” 

At press time, an officer at the Donut Plains protest was seen kneeling on the back of a black Yoshi who had stuck his tongue out at them just seconds before.

LAPD Starts YouTube Channel for Rubber Bullet Trickshots

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm.

“Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now. I’m gonna headshot that guy on the corner who’s not wearing any head protection. Boom! Nailed him! And he was only, like, twenty feet away! These less-lethal launchers were designed to shoot at targets no less than fifty meters, officially making this an elite LAPD trickshot.”

Some of the individuals featured on the YouTube channel have expressed their disapproval of the LAPD.

“Man, I wasn’t even protesting,” said Jane Stevenson, who said she suffered internal bleeding after her abdomen was struck with a rubber bullet. “I was just walking home from work. I would have taken the Metro, but it was shut down due to the curfew. There wasn’t really anything even going on in the area, just half a dozen people quietly holding signs. I told the officers I just needed to walk by to get to my apartment. They just stared at me for a minute, then one raised his neon yellow gun at me, spun around, and shot. He yelled, ‘360 no bounce!’ and they all started laughing.”

One fan of the videos tried to explain their appeal.

“I just want to say, I’m not a violent guy,” said Keith Fulmer. “I don’t even use rubber bullets. I don’t think I would like them. They’re not for me. But I find the videos so relaxing. I honestly can’t fall asleep anymore without putting on a five hour compilation of rubber bullet trickshots anymore. The sound of a heavy foam projectile smashing into the face of a clearly-identified journalist, potentially leaving them blind? That’s a lullaby to me. Don’t get me started on the cries from grievously injured elderly protestors. I’m not saying I think these things are good, per se, but watching videos of them soothes me. And hey, in today’s crazy world, isn’t that enough?”

At press time, the LAPD had been denied membership to FaZe Clan after it was proven that a video showcasing them following the rules of engagement had been faked.