Streaming Services Ranked by Whether They Can Legally Kill You

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

In the capitalist hellscape in which we live, it often seems that we’re spoiled for choice more than ever; there are so many options for us to pick from nowadays. From grocery stores to makeup brands, how are we to know which choice is best for us in this cruel, cruel world? And when we just want a break from it all to stop the voices in our heads, how can we possibly be expected to sift through all of the endless apps to find the best TV show to watch? Won’t someone just put us out of our misery already? If any of this sounds relatable, don’t worry, because we’ve ranked different streaming services by one important metric: whether or not they are legally allowed to kill you.

9. Paramount+

Paramount+ is so not allowed to kill you it’s crazy. First of all, they just don’t have the sauce. Their fingers are trembling on that trigger, and if anything happened to one of their subscribers, they’d fold immediately and have their lawyers give the next of kin whatever they want. You think Paramount+ is making headlines over controversial deaths? Paramount+? The company that owns Spongebob and wants you to watch one of their ten Yellowstone spinoffs, for Pete’s sake. No, Paramount is definitely not allowed to do anything to anyone, least of all kill them.

8. Peacock

Peacock faces a similar issue to Paramount here: it’s lame. Now, NBCUniversal is a mega-corporation, it’s true, but we are talking about the company with Jimmy Fallon and his lip-sync battles as its face. There’s no edge factor whatsoever, just Steve Carrell’s smiling face when you click on The Office for the umteenth time, a bunch of old episodes of SNL and reboots of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If anything happened to one of their loyal customers, they would immediately be on their knees apologizing in public, because they need those sweet, sweet subscriber numbers, baby.

7. Max

Warner Brothers is absolutely ready, willing and able to kill any of their subscribers that David Zaslav wants. They already routinely kill their own movies and shows and even the famous and iconic HBO branding. If your death could give them a tax credit you would already be dead but it can’t so they won’t. With no financial incentive to kill you, it would actually cost them money to murder you and if there’s one thing David Zaslav would never do, it’s spend money.

6. Apple TV+

Apple is such a powerful corporation that they could kill all of their subscribers, advertise the fact that they did and face zero consequences from anybody. Not the government and not from the people who absolutely have to buy the new iPhone even though they just bought one a year ago and the only meaningful change is a slightly better camera and some feature that was removed to sell you an overpriced accessory. They aren’t going to kill any of their subscribers though because Apple TV+ subscribers are the only ones doing any marketing of the things available to watch on Apple TV+. A dead subscriber is one less person to tell their friends about the Gary Oldman show no one has heard of that is somehow in its fourth season.

5. Netflix

One might think that Netflix, as the literal godfather of the streaming landscape and still one of its most popular, might reserve the right to straight-up kill you at any time. But here’s the thing: they’re scared right now. They just had the audacity to not only put the crackdown on password sharing, but they’re also trying to push their ad-tier onto the sweet, innocent American public. If they were allowed to kill you on top of all that? There’d be riots in the streets, baby, you’d better believe it. Netflix, you’re on thin ice, but I just don’t see “killer” in your eyes.

4. Amazon Prime Video

Ok, now we’re getting into “kill” territory. Amazon, one of the most evil entities of all time, with Jeff freaking Bezos as its founder, does not really give two shits about you or yours. They force their factory workers to piss in water bottles, you think they care one bit if you drop dead at this very moment? Hell, back in January, they automatically opted everyone into their ad-supported tier and said “if you don’t like it, then pay even more, loser.” They’re the school bully who demands you give them your lunch money and then gives you a wedgie anyway just for the fun of it. The only thing holding them back from killing you is that their image has already been raked through the mud a good few times at this point and they’re one of the biggest contributors to everything being the way it is right now. But don’t get it twisted, they’d do it if they could.

3. Hulu

Finally, we’ve arrived at some of the big boys. Hulu is owned by They Who Shall Not Be Named, and are essentially the hitman for anything the Mouse doesn’t want to do itself. They’re the ones who go in with a clean dagger and come out with a clean dagger and a red rag. They could kill you so quickly you’d never see it coming, but there’s one problem: they don’t have the same rep as their boss. If Hulu’s crimes ever saw the light of day, even their one-million-ads-per-episode wouldn’t be able to save them and the Big D would lose them like airport luggage. But even being in proximity to The Don gives you a certain amount of sweet, sweet power.

2. Disney+

Now we’re talkin’. Here’s a cold-blooded, merciless, slit-your-throat-and-attend-your-funeral killer. Disney+. If you don’t want to be killed, then you should read the fine print! It’s right there in the contract when you signed up to watch Ratatouille! It’s not their fault if you die after eating at one of their theme park restaurants, you wanted the Disney experience, didn’t you, you little piggy? Didn’t you sign up for our streaming package? That’s right, you wanted those sweet movies and shows from Uncle Mickey, and they are to-die for, literally. Sure, they can backpedal in public to save face, but deep down, they’re sure they would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling journalists. Disney is so powerful that they’re one of the biggest corporate monopolies on the planet, and as such, they’re allowed to basically do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want. That’s America, baby. That’s exactly what capitalism is all about. And if you die in the process, they’ll build a new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on top of your grave.

1. Tubi

Owned by Fox. Enough said.

New Grounded Take on Batman to Feature Billionaire Bruce Wayne Not Helping Anyone

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — The next film in the Batman franchise will be a grounded take that features Bruce Wayne deciding to not use his billions to help anyone, sources confirm.

“We looked at the world and thought, a billionaire thinking of others? No one is gonna buy that,” said Matt Reeves, writer/director of 2022’s The Batman and its upcoming sequel. “I realized early on that a crocodile man or a guy with a freeze ray are things that an audience can suspend their belief about. Bruce Wayne not spending his time hoarding wealth at the expense of the most vulnerable Gotham citizens however was never going to fly.”

The movie’s new direction, while realistic, has alienated some fans. 

“It’s not really a Batman movie if he’s not Batman,” said Bob Shepard, who much preferred when Batman’s wealth was a fun element rather than a grim reminder of the iron grip of capitalism upon our throats. “I get it, it’s weird to see a billionaire thinking of others, but that’s the escapism of cinema. For two hours we can pretend that the world wouldn’t be a better place if we lined all the billionaires up and shot them, and instead make believe that they could be capable of altruism or even empathy.”

Warner Bros. Pictures, the studio behind the new movie, issued a statement through their Twitter account.

“Warner Bros. can sympathize with audiences,” read the statement. “As a studio run by an unscrupulous aspiring billionaire who seems more likely to delete a movie at the behest of the shareholders than release anything, we can see why audiences would rather help others than, say, buy a social media site, fill it with Nazis, then tweet cringe 60 times a day.”

As a counterpoint to the more grounded Batman, Warner Bros. are also looking to make a Lex Luthor movie spotlighting the importance of rich people in society and their fight against illegal aliens.

Every Festival in Stardew Valley Ranked by How Good of an Excuse It Would Be to Cancel Real Life Plans

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

If you’re anything like my wife, you’ve spent more time playing “Stardew Valley” in the last few years than you have sleeping. Also, you love me unconditionally. I get it—the game requires a strong commitment. Farming, mining, and building relationships all take a lot of time and effort. The deeper you immerse yourself in Pelican Town, the more rewarding the game becomes—but there is a cost. It will slowly dominate your waking hours, leaving precious little time for anything else, including your actual social life. Luckily, the game’s Festival events provide you a list of built-in excuses to get out of your IRL obligations so you can spend the rest of your days on the farm. Check out the list below to see which ones will be easiest to use.

Stardew Valley Fair

Unfortunately, this one is too obvious. Even if your friends and family don’t immediately clock that “Stardew Valley” is that video game that you’re playing all the time, they’re sure to ask you where it is and why they’ve never heard of it. I’m sorry to say, you’re not going to Stardew Valley Fair, no matter what herbs or true loves are there.

Festival of Ice

Come on. This sounds like something you came up with off the top of your head. “I’m sorry, Amanda, I can’t come to your baby shower. I’ve already got my tickets to the, uh, Festival of…Ice. Yeah. I got really into cold stuff during the lockdown.” She’s not gonna buy it.

Dance of the Moonlight Jellies

This one has the exact opposite problem: it’s too fanciful. Even if they somehow believe you, they’re gonna have questions. And, unless you want to recite a scene from Wes Anderson’s 2004 film “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou,” nearly verbatim, you’re not gonna have satisfying answers.

Desert Festival

Do you really think your mom is gonna be okay with you missing Mother’s Day brunch because you’re going to a Wish.com version of Burning Man? And, no, telling her that you’ve got a good feeling about Escar-go and that you’ll be rolling in Calico Eggs soon will not placate her.

Feast of the Winter Star

People get pretty touchy about winter holidays. Even if they don’t celebrate Christmas, they’re definitely gonna roll their eyes when you say this. If they’re over 50, it’ll be the subject of their next Facebook post. Don’t mention the “secret gift-giving” unless you want them to get indignant about how, “You’re not even allowed to say ‘Secret Santa’ anymore.”

Egg Festival

This one might seem like a no-brainer since it’s so close to “Easter” or “Egg Hunt,” and sure, you’ll be able to slip it past some less attentive folks. Eventually, though, someone’s gonna ask why you keep saying it like that. Plus, what if they find out that you’re the only adult competing in the actual egg hunt?

Night Market

This is a totally believable excuse for most obsessive “Stardew Valley” players. The only flaw is that it sounds cool enough that some people might ask if they can tag along, especially once you bring up the Mermaid Boat. Hey, if they seem cool, you can always start a co-op save.

Luau

Unless you actually have an actual connection to Hawaiian culture, this is cheesy enough that people will buy it and not ask any questions. If you are Hawaiian, do not use this excuse. You will end up being peer pressured into roasting a pig for a bunch of white people in paper grass skirts and plastic lei, which will take away a lot of time from your virtual farming. And yes, they’ll probably invite the governor.

Spirit’s Eve

Unlike Christmas-adjacent pagan holidays, no one will bat an eye at an alternative Halloween. Just try not to make it sound too cool.

SquidFest

This one is the perfect balance of sounding like a real seafood-related event while also being just gross enough to deter further inquiries.

Flower Dance

Your friends will assume this is a fun springtime frolic, but they’ll have just enough fear of a Midsommar-type situation to not want any further involvement. Boom—now you’re free to completely fail to woo your favorite NPC.

Trout Derby

Listen, if the, “We’ve got weights in fish!” situation has taught us anything, it’s that fishing derbies are deadly serious. If you tell your brother that you can’t make it to his wife’s funeral because you’ve got a derby, he will nod at you with a grim countenance of recognition, say that he completely understands, and wish you luck. Willy would be proud.

“Dune: Prophecy” Series Dares to Ask “What if You Understood Even Less of This?”

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BUDAPEST, Hungary — The philosophical question at the center of the upcoming prequel series to the critically-acclaimed “Dune” films will reportedly be “What if general audiences understood even less about this franchise?” according to sources familiar with the matter. 

“I’ve always loved Dune, and I’m a big believer in the ‘show, don’t tell’ principle when it comes to storytelling,” showrunner Alison Schapker said in a statement. “To that end, we endeavored to really confuse audiences as much as possible with this one by showing a ton of bizarre stuff and telling them absolutely nothing. Just have the Bene Gesserit cryptically scheme and use the Voice and do a bunch of witchy shit, to the point where the audience is like, ‘I’m not even sure what’s happening here,’ y’know?” 

The director of “Dune” and “Dune: Part 2”, Denis Villeneuve, expressed his enthusiasm for the project.

“It is so rewarding for me to see people reacting positively to this world we’ve created,” said Villeneuve. “And as a director, I am confident that the cast and crew of this has gotten to the essence of what I am trying to do with my films: have people all over the world saying ‘wait, what?’ After two entries in the main ‘Dune’ film series, it’s important to create as many spinoffs in as many different in-universe time periods as possible, just to make sure audiences are kept on their toes and have to keep pausing to ask their family members, ‘What the fuck was that all about?’”

Brian Herbert, son of Dune author Frank Herbert, executive producer on the series and noted hack, is also excited for the series’ premiere.

“Am I worried people won’t understand it? Shit, I don’t care. I’m gonna make hand over fist on this. Way more than I ever did for those books, anyway,” said Herbert. “As long as they don’t answer any of the burning questions from the movies, like ‘How could they possibly influence generations of reproduction between the powerful Houses of the universe?’ and raise even more questions, like, ‘What the hell is Mark Strong doing here?’ then I think fans of my work will get exactly what they’re looking for.”

At press time, the writers’ room was observed hurriedly adding ten more references to the gom jabbar, the Golden Path, and the Kwisatz Haderach per episode.

Kevin Smith Breaks Down His Top 100 Movies for Random Guy Behind Him at the Bank

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SHREWSBURY, N.J. — A routine visit to the bank took a horrifying turn for local resident, Ryan Peterson, when he found himself in the cinematic crossfire of seminal New Jersey director Kevin Smith’s impromptu movie ranking marathon, patrons at the bank report.

“One minute, I’m zoning out, and the next, some dude in jorts is talking about how at least we’re not in ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ I casually told him I’d never seen it and he just snaps, suddenly he’s ranting at me about cinema,” Peterson stated to authorities. “He just wouldn’t stop. It was barely 10:30 in the morning and I’m being assaulted with names like ‘A Man For All Seasons,’ ‘Do The Right Thing,’ and ‘The Last Temptation of Christ!’ Finally I lied to him and told him I’d seen ‘Jaws’ because I was afraid he’d hit me if I said I hadn’t.”

Smith, seemingly unaware of any social cues, couldn’t comprehend that Peterson, “isn’t really a movie guy.”

“Yeah, so I just need to deposit this—oh, did I ever mention how ‘Star Wars’ didn’t just redefine the science-fiction, but it was really George Lucas borrowing from the brilliance of Japanese filmmakers like Kurosawa?” Smith launched in, his voice adopting the gravitas of an underappreciated film professor. “I mean, people talk about ‘Star Wars’ being revolutionary, but without ‘The Hidden Fortress,’ there’s no galaxy far, far away. It’s all there—the framing, the narrative structure. Lucas basically lifted the soul of samurai cinema and dropped it into space. It’s genius, but, like, derivative genius, American genius… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Wim Wenders’ ‘Paris, Texas…’”

Not everyone was baffled by the impromptu spoken word session, though. Smith’s fan base runs deep, and one diehard devotee was, apparently, very jealous of Peterson’s encounter.

“That guy has no idea how lucky he is. The dude basically got a solo show!,” said grinning superfan, Tony DeLuca, who had Peterson repeat the entire exchange back to him. “Kevin doesn’t just do this for anyone. I’ve paid for that honor. I’m dying to know what [Smith] thinks of ‘Joker: Folie à Deux,’ or even just the trailer for that new Bong Joon Ho flick that just came out.”

As of this afternoon, Smith had finally made his way to the teller, where she was treated to an oration explaining why he never directed a superhero movie. “I could’ve, man, I really could’ve, but, like, Batman? Too much baggage, Hollywood already screwed it up too much. Now Swamp Thing? That’s a character I could’ve done justice to, but he’s not bankable…”

30 Lines From “Kung Pow!” You Should Quote to Nail That Job Interview

Posted on by Sidney Conant

If you’re anything like me, then there are fewer things scarier in your life than the thought of stumbling over your words at a job interview. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to come up with your own answers for all the questions that corporate overlords will throw at you. There are, however, enough hours in the day to memorize director Steve Oedekerk’s infinitely quotable film Kung Pow! Enter the Fist word-for-word and utilize the script to your own advantage. Below is a curated list of 30 lines from Kung Pow! that are applicable to almost every kind of job and pre-employment situation out there, and are guaranteed to help you nail that interview. 

1. “Your days are over, mister.”

Training new recruits can be expensive work, so let the hiring manager know early on that you’ve already mastered everything listed in the job description. Saunter up to the guy you’ll be replacing and speak these words to his face and you can probably just take his desk.

2. “If you girls are done kissing, I’ve got some ass-kicking for you!”

We’ve all been there: you get an interview at the local game store and the newlywed owners decide to give each other’s tonsils a good taste while you boot up the store’s copy of Melee. You know that if you win, then you get the gig. Use this line to express your enthusiasm for the opportunity, and you’ll be signing the paperwork the same day. Don’t forget to use your main.   

3. “Take a close look—’cuz I rule, baby!”

People love charisma, and management folk are also people, kinda. This line is your ace in the hole.

4. “Go get some snacks. Perhaps a car-bo-na-ted so-da!”

Don’t be afraid to slide some money across the negotiation table and quote this line if you want to secure yourself in the hearts of the higher-ups. A little bribery never hurt anybody, and that cash will surely trickle back down eventually, just like Ronald Reagan said it would. 

5. “Water…everywhere! Ugh…all…over me! I’m…getting…wet!”

The lifeguard team tosses you into the deep end to test your swimming abilities? Give them the play-by-play by saying this line between strokes, and it’ll be smooth sailing guaranteed.

6. “Hmmm. My finger points.”

Police Academy is easy, but how’s the precinct interview? They take you down to the nearest  Krispy Kreme and have you pick out a couple dozen hot ones for the boys in blue, but how do you know what to pick? Simple: position yourself in front of any three donuts in the display case, and say this line. It’s that easy. Next stop: qualified immunity!

7. “I am a nice man…with happy feelings—ALL the time!”

Do these bozos really need to know about the true state of your mental health? NOPE! Tactfully use this quote to let them believe what they want to believe, and you’ll be on track to dealing with your inner turmoil from the comfort of your new cubicle.

8. “I’ve trained my whole life for this day.”

A little on the dramatic side, but you know what? Some people really vibe with that. Use this line for all sorts of jobs; it’ll get you to where you need to be.

9. “Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata: hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don’t break through with the stick.”

I wish my therapist had used this line on me during his trial interview. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten banned from the library for throwing a book at the computer monitor when I lost everything on a bad hand of online poker. Please learn from my therapist’s mistake. 

10. “I have been called ‘bad’ before. Many have said I do things that are not…correct to do…I don’t believe in such talk as this.”

Owning up to your mistakes implies that you were ever wrong to begin with, and management only wants perfect people. Sure, the reference from your last place told these guys that you were fired for launching a third grader into a dumpster while yelling, “Kobe!” but they didn’t judge, and neither should you.

11. “Hmm…okay.”

What do you mean you don’t want to give this company eight hours of free labor for a trial shift to see if you’re “a good fit?” Be agreeable, and say this line!

12. “What in God’s name is that thing?”

The guys at Area 51 place before you the cadaver of a humanoid creature from the planet [REDACTED], approximately 230 years old, if you were a gambling man. They ask: “If the media questioned you on this specimen, what would you tell them?” They obviously want you to give the famed Air Force facility plausible deniability so as to be able to covertly continue their operations. This quote is the one they want.

13. “Take me, man meat!”

The butcher will be sure you meant “man OF meat”, but he’ll admire your A1 enthusiasm and hire you on the spot if you quote to him this dry-aged classic.

14. “Jeez, at least cover your mouth. We’re ALL going to catch it!”

Maintaining public safety guidelines is everyone’s job, and businesses will respect you taking initiative to promote everyone’s general wellbeing if you drop this line.

15. “Behold the symbols. One: over here…the other: over there.”

Tiny icons next to contact information are the latest trend in resume formatting, and while they’re pretty much universally understood, some managers out there are not yet privy to such a practice. When these managers ask you about how best to reach you, you can point at the email and cell phone icons on your resume and say this line. Everyone loves learning new things!

16. “Nyeeehhh RED clothes!”

For when you’re interviewing for Target and they’re asking you what your ideal uniform would be. Bullseye.

17. “I really like the band NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo.”

You can tell just by looking at her that your interviewer’s a fan of America’s favorite boy band, too, and it ain’t no lie! Say this line to her and find that much-needed common ground. And seriously, who doesn’t love Harpo N. Sink?

18. “I’ll never be able to do it—ever! Don’t look at me!”

Use this line to regale the hiring team with the story of how your last supervisor reacted when you asked him: “How will you ever survive once I leave this place?” This isn’t technically burning bridges, I don’t think.

19. “N-now batting: Mike Piazza!”

It worked! The time machine you built between reruns of ESPN highlights sent you back to 2004 and now you’re being given a hands-on interview at Shea Stadium to become a broadcaster for the New York Mets. Number 31 is walking towards the plate, and if you remember this line, you’ll know exactly what to say.

20. “Wee-oh woo-oh oh-ee-oh wee-oh pee-oh ee-oh pee-oh wee!”

Pretty self explanatory. 

21. “That’ll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?!”

Management’s got you running the register for this part of the interview. Some guy only wants a cup of water in this awful 105 degree heat, but you know this line, and you know how to upsell. Hired.

22. “Say goodnight, floppy.”

In this group interview, the boss hands everyone a mallet and a stack of outdated data storage technology. The right man for the job can hit him with the best witty quip for the occasion. Quote this line and that man will be you.

23. “I’ll have some of whatever he’s smokin’.”

The manager of the barbeque joint wants you to try out the goods as the final step of the interview and is asking you what you’ll have. Everything that the pitmaster is working on looks so delicious, but you can’t seem to narrow your choices down. What do you tell the manager? Use this line and your questions will be answered.

24. “I am bleeding—making me the victor.”

Whoa, this interview is more like a Turing test! You and this obvious android have to prove your respective humanities, and only the human is going to get paid—good thing there’s an easy way to solve that problem! I mean, a robot wouldn’t punch himself and the face and start leaking this red stuff, would he? Didn’t think so. Quote this line to mark your triumph. 

25. “It’s Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty.”

Who cares what this job is for—the interviewer can’t remember the first name of the Golden Girls’ BEST girl! “Something ‘White’, maybe?” Yeah whatever, moron. Let this ignoramus know how stupid he is by quoting this line to him. 

26. “It’s impossible; you’ll never make it. Never make it. Ever make it. Never make it. Never make it. You’ll never make it—ever. Don’t you see? You can’t make it.”

Your trial shift as a health insurance representative will become infinitely easier once you start denying patients with pre-existing conditions the coverage they claim to need when they’re just going to die anyway, maybe. This line knows more than those doctors ever would.

27. “I implore you to reconsider.”

No one is above a little begging. If the boss initially picks another candidate, hit them with this line and the job will be yours.

28. “Master, I was hoping one day I could be the chosen one.”

Similar to the one above, but with like 75% more whiny little bitch energy.

29. “You killed my family. And I don’t like that kind of thing.”

You two have a history, but he doesn’t know it yet. Now that you’ve made it to the last step of the interview process at the Olive Garden he’s franchised, say this line to him before making him choke to death on a basket of bread sticks.

30. “So cute. Buh-bye!”

Whether you feel the interview went well or not, look the boss deeply in the eye and recite to him this line. His smile, his wrinkles, the way he shook your hand…he kind of reminds you of your grandfather. Just as adorable, but hopefully a little less racist. Let him know that, and you’re in the clear. And a little peck on the cheek will go a long way, too.

Sick Fuck Enjoys Board Game Parts of Mario Party More Than Mini Games

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

MINNEAPOLIS — In a disturbing revelation that has left acquaintances confused and appalled, local man Kevin Whittaker, 34, has admitted to deriving significantly more joy from the board game aspects of the Mario Party franchise than from the mini-games, disgusted sources report.

“We did a game night last weekend, and after a few drinks I suggested we play ‘Super Mario Party’ on my Switch. Everyone was totally down to just do some mini games except Kevin,” explained Steph Miller, a friend of Whittaker’s. “He insisted we play a 30-round game on Whomp’s Domino Ruins or he was going to leave. He said doing a full match is the only way to, ‘separate the strategic masterminds from the button-mashing rubes,’ whatever the hell that means. It didn’t even matter since we ended up quitting after like 7 rounds because Leslie fell asleep.”

Whittaker says he’s simply been misunderstood.

“Look, I get why the mini games are appealing in theory. But I’m a refined gamer who likes to think and plan and strategize, not to mention sabotage. I refuse to be some single-celled amoeba who just hops up and down on the A button as fast as I can until I keel over,” Whittaker explained, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “At its core, Mario Party is not a series of sprints. It’s a marathon full of twists and turns and tactical decisions, and I’m a cunning long distance runner. Leslie really showed her lack of stamina, that’s for sure.”

Leslie Turnell, the friend-of-a-friend who couldn’t stay awake, rebutted Whittaker’s point of view.

“I literally just wanted to play nostalgic mini games like Pushy Penguins and Hot Rope Jump. It was one in the goddamn morning and we’re all in our thirties,” she explained. “And I wish we had done that because Kevin totally took things too seriously. He was doing mental math calculating the odds of each of us winning after every turn based on the current star and coin distributions and shit like that. Of course I passed out—he turned playing Mario Party with friends into playing Monopoly with a real estate broker.”

At press time, Whittaker was seen researching every star spawn point for all playable Mario Party maps in case he finds a new group of friends willing to play it with him.

“Games Are Too Woke” Thrown Out as Evidence in Divorce Court

Posted on by Brendan Hanney

AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Joe Miles dismissed a key piece of evidence from the divorce proceedings between John Wainwright and his now ex-wife, Sarah, courtroom sources confirmed.

“You’d be surprised at how many of these guys I see with the same defense,” said the Honorable Judge Joe Miles. “He started making his case to me by saying how ‘us straight white males have to look out for each other.’ He wouldn’t stop referring to his wife’s attorney as a ‘DEI hire,’ and he threw a full-on tantrum when he noticed that the bailiff’s fingernails were painted. We tried to tell Mr. Wainwright that he’s a single dad and lets his five-year-old daughter paint his nails as a bonding activity, but he just kept going on about rainbow flags in ‘Spider-Man.’ It was incoherent.”

Sarah Wainwright was stunned at her ex-husband’s insistence that “woke games” were the root of the problems with their marriage. 

“He doesn’t even play video games that often,” Mrs. Wainwright recalled. “He spends most of his day on Twitter. I could not get through to him while he was typing. Watching someone become so furious, typing and talking to himself was—I’m sorry. It was terrifying to watch him spiral. And, of course, I became the enemy. That’s the whole reason he wanted me to pay alimony: I had ‘gone woke,’ and must therefore now, ‘go broke.”

Wainwright’s attorneys were disappointed with the Judge’s decision to dismiss such a crucial component to their case, and were sure that things would have turned out differently if it weren’t for their key witness refusing to show up in court.

“I think it speaks volumes that Mr. Druckmann refused to come in for questioning,” Attorney Matt Hogan stated. “If he weren’t somewhat responsible for what has happened here, why not come in and clear that up? Really makes you think about what he could possibly be hiding.”

At press time, Wainwright was reportedly satisfied to receive full custody of his Warhammer 40K figurines, despite being denied any visitation rights with his children.

Sisyphus Finally Unlocks Gold Boulder Cosmetic

Posted on by Nik Theorin

TARTARUS — After untold centuries of grinding, Sisyphus’s divine punishment was briefly alleviated this week after the Greek King of Ephyra finally unlocked the gold boulder cosmetic, sources report.

“It feels so worth it,” said Sisyphus, muscles gleaming with sweat and centuries of dried blood as he braced his back against the shiny gold boulder. “I’ve been rolling this damn rock up the hill for thousands of years, ever since Zeus hit me with the ban hammer for team killing and cheats. Since then I’ve logged hundreds of hours on this hill, and it’s about time I got something nice in return for my hard work. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda carrying here. The Titans are spectating cucks. Typhon has no comms. I’m up here soloing this shit. The very least I deserve is a tacky cosmetic that lets everyone know I have no meaningful social life and my self-esteem is in the gutter.”

“Oh yeah, sometimes I catch them staring,” continued Sisyphus, referring to the hundred-armed Hecatonchires, the abyssal dungeon’s guards. “I think they’re jealous of my boulder. It looks so freakin’ good now with that skin. I could push it for another hundred years and still be tweaking. Can you imagine that? Sisyphus, happy?”

Other prisoners of Tartarus expressed frustration, however, saying they were less than pleased with the look of Sisyphus’s newly equipped cosmetic.

“That’s the ugliest shit I ever seen,” said Tantalus, who faces punishment for cutting up his son, boiling him, and serving him as food to the Gods, among other unsportsmanlike conduct. “Look, I won’t pretend Tartarus is lacking in eyesores. It’s not Olympus down here. Most mornings, I can’t enjoy my unreachable fruit and forever-receding water without taking in some new abomination. Tityos stretched out like a pancake. Phlegyas entombed and starved before an eternal feast. Ixion tied to a winged flaming wheel in the sky just for trying to cop a feel. We’re all slaves to the grind down here, but that doesn’t mean we tolerate bad taste. As for my boulder, I prefer the base look. It’s classic.”

When asked to comment on Sisyphus, Zeus, the undisputed King of the Gods, was forced to admit the situation had gotten out of hand.

“He keeps asking me if I have a ‘roadmap’ for when he’s going to get new hills and boulders,” said Zeus, a God known for his radical views on unprotected sex with mortal women. “I keep saying ‘soon, soon’, but honestly? I’m swamped. Demigods don’t sire themselves, plus the wife’s always on my ass. The gold skin was my only idea, and it was supposed to be a joke. The worst part is I can’t even smite him anymore, because he likes it. He moans and praises the extra difficulty, saying ‘The real Sisyphus starts here’. I’ve told him—repeatedly—that he’s free to go, but the son of a bitch won’t leave. ‘After this roll,’ he says, and ‘One more roll.’ Gods, I want to kill him, but the bastard’s already dead.”

“I never should have made the boulder feedback so snappy and tactile,” mused Zeus. “Next time, I’ll just do the birds and liver bit. That hasn’t failed me yet.”

At press time, Zeus had announced a new Boulder Pass reward system that would come to Tartarus next season, which will allow prisoners to grind for new cosmetics, sprays, and punishments, with the “When In Rome” pack available upon completion as a free reskin of every God.

Game Night: Let’s Go Crazy in Space With ‘Mouthwashing’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

There were a few different games at this year’s PAX West that struck me as being inspired by labor issues, particularly those that spun out of the pandemic lockdowns in 2020. Some played it for laughs (Puzzle Depot), others for absurdity (Threshold), but they all draw on the experience of being an expendable, replaceable cog in the machine.

Mouthwashing starts there, but then pinwheels off into surreal insanity. Now available on Steam, it’s a short horror adventure game about, to simplify it dramatically, space truckers who are doomed from every angle. If you’re looking for something weird, creepy, and short to play for Halloween 2024, Mouthwashing is a decent pick.

Mouthwashing is set aboard the Tulpar, a space freighter with a 5-person crew. Six months into its latest shipping run, the captain deliberately crashes the ship in an attempt to kill everyone aboard. Instead, the rest of the crew survive without a scratch, while the captain is left badly mutilated.

The crash leaves most of the ship full of impact foam, which forces the crew into close quarters. They’ve got nothing to do but watch their supplies diminish and wait for a rescue that might never come. Out of desperation, they crack open the cargo hold in search of more supplies, and discover they were risking their lives to transport thousands of bottles of alcoholic mouthwash.

Now the crew of the Tulpar gets to be scared, frustrated, trapped, and since they’re not in a situation where they can be choosy about calories, always just a little drunk. Before long, you’re watching a bad situation get worse through the eyes of people who were already close to the breaking point. If you think you know how this will go, you’re probably only half right.

Mouthwashing tells the rest of its story through a series of short, interactive chapters, which frequently make big, unannounced jumps in time and space. You get to see the preparation for the trip, which is full of bad decisions and corporate neglect, and how it eventually leads up to the nightmare that the Tulpar becomes.

The parts of Mouthwashing that are set before the crash are some of its most effectively tense, as you see all the little frustrations of life aboard the ship start to compound on one another. Everything aboard the Tulpar is designed for maximum profit at the cost of maximum human damage; for example, there’s a poster on the wall that informs you that employees don’t get to sleep for longer than 5 hours at a time. This is what you’d get if Amazon made spaceships, and you can see the stress fractures coming from a long way off. It’s a wonder anyone in this setting ever lived long enough to complete one of these shipments.

In those more grounded moments, Mouthwashing is the kind of slow interactive adventure that people usually want to call a “walking simulator.” You stroll around the ship, talk to the crew, and solve a couple of simple problems. It’s well-told, with some solid turns of phrase, but it’s not much of a game.

As the characters begin to psychologically disintegrate, Mouthwashing takes that as a chance to get weirder, to the point where it changes genres several times. This doesn’t always work in its favor, like one scene that’s a poorly labeled stealth challenge, but it does make it hard to put down. It’s impossible to tell what’s going to happen next, or how.

That’s driven home by Mouthwashing’s scene transitions, which feel like they’ve been put into the game specifically to drive other game developers nuts. Mouthwashing never simply cuts to black when it could implement a graphic “tear” or a simulated audio glitch.

The effect is to make the game look like it just barely didn’t crash to desktop, as a visual reflection of the characters’ downward spiral, and they’re always timed to take you by surprise. It reminds me of the weirder insanity effects in Eternal Darkness for the GameCube, where the game would pretend to turn off your TV or format your memory card just to mess with you.

That’s one of a couple of dozen storytelling decisions that make me want to recommend Mouthwashing, but it does have one big point against it: it’s really short. A single run through the game might take you 2 to 3 hours. It’s good for a long, surreal evening, but after that, you’ve seen most of what it has to show you.

That’s not much of a drawback, though. Mouthwashing is effectively creepy in ways that most other games don’t bother to explore, and dodges a lot of the pitfalls of modern adventure games by moving too fast and being too weird to ever be dull. It’s going to stick with me for a while, both for its baroque gore and its modern style of corporate horror.

[Mouthwashing, developed by Wrong Organ and published by Critical Reflex, is now available on Steam for $13.99. This review was written using a copy of the game bought on Steam by Hard Drive.]