Kyle Higgins on Expanding the Massive-Verse Amidst Shrinking Industries

Kyle Higgins is a comic book writer known for his work on Nightwing, Power Rangers, and his on-going Image superhero series, Radiant Black. Founder of Black Market Narrative, a creative collective studio, Kyle is no stranger to playing with multiple media formats to tell stories. The Massive-Verse, which includes Radiant Black and other Image superhero series comics like NO/ONE, already features a scripted audio series, short films, an upcoming audiobook, feature film, and card battle game. I sat down with Kyle to discuss his work in comics, wearing all the hats, and the stresses of creating and expanding a new universe in an entertainment industry that continues to shrink.

Minus World: Kyle. Thanks for being here. I love what you’re doing in comics.

Kyle Higgins: Thanks. Happy to be here.

MW: So, I’m going to see if I can name everything in the Massive-Verse. So, there’s Radiant Black and Rogue Sun. There’s also Inferno Girl Red. It’s Inferno Girl Red, right?

KH: Inferno Girl Red, Yeah.

MW: Okay, I get that mixed up with Radiant Red all the time. Yeah, so there’s also Radiant Red, Radiant Pink, NO/ONE, and The Dead Lucky. I think that’s everything. 

KH: There’s C.O.W.L., too.

MW: C.O.W.L. and C.O.W.L. 1964. I knew I was leaving something off.

KH: And separate from that, Black Market Narrative also does Moon Man, our sci-fi superhero series with Kid Cudi. It’s not a part of the Massive-Verse, but I like to joke that it’s one universe over. But yeah, the Massive-Verse as a whole comes out of a group of us that are all close friends and have been creative partners for years. That includes myself, Ryan Parrott, Mat Groom, Michael Busuttil, Melissa Flores, Brian Buccellato, Alec Siegel, Rod Reis, Eduardo Ferigato, Marcelo Costa… These are people I’ve worked with forever, often across disciplines. There are some newer creators involved as well, like Cherish Chen, Meghan Camarena, and Joe Clark. Joe is one of my oldest friends and collaborators who is newer to writing comics but has been absolutely killing it. He, Alec and I all went to high school together and when Alec and I made The League, my college thesis film way back in 2008, Joe composed all the music. That film then became the inspiration for C.O.W.L

MW: That sounds like a solid roster. So, the Massive-Verse Card Game, where’d that come from?

KH: With all of our outside-the-box multi-narrative approaches, a card game was very much on our radar from the beginning. It just so happened that a few years ago the right opportunity came up, and the guys from Solis Game Studio approached us at San Diego Comic Con and pitched us on doing a game with them, utilizing their Pocket Paragons engine. We did a demo for it at the show and we all quickly realized it was a perfect fit. The game comes with 8 characters from across Radiant Black, Rogue Sun, The Dead Lucky, and Inferno Girl Red. The move sets are all catered to our characters and the specific abilities from the books. All the card art looks amazing and is pulled from the books, with character and box art by Dan Mora who is the best superhero artist in comics right now, by far.

MW: The game looks fun. I got to watch Ryan Parrott beat you in a match on YouTube. 

KH: Yeah, but there was a follow-up match that I won (laughs)! You have got to find that one, too!

MW: I didn’t see that one. I’m sure it happened though.

KH: It’s a blast. It’s a really fun game.

MW: Are you sure the card battle game didn’t stem from one of those Goku vs Superman kind of conversations between Black Market Narrative creatives? 

KH: No, it didn’t. But you know what did stem from one of those is this cool, animated short film we did called Versus.

MW: The QR code in Radiant Black #15 leads to this, right?

KH: Yeah. So, in issue 15 for those who don’t know, Radiant Black goes up against his greatest challenge yet: creative license. There’s an unauthorized YouTube fan film from a channel called Versus. And it’s a death battle style video of who’d win in a fight between Radiant Black and Blaze from C.O.W.L. Because C.O.W.L. not only existed and happened in the 1960s in the Massive-Verse universe, but it was also turned into comics and then was adapted into a blockbuster film in the early 2000s. That’s why Nathan and Marshall are big fans of C.O.W.L. So, there’s a level of Meta to it all. 

Anyway, Marshall gets a hold of the script and reads it and gets pissed off because he realizes he loses. So, he shows up on set to chew out the director, claiming he doesn’t even know which way to point a goddamn lens, but he eventually cools off when he realizes they cast Batman Beyond’s Will Friedle to play him. He offers to help the production out and save them some money by doing all the visual effects– but he has some thoughts on the story. As the film shoot wraps and Nathan and Marshall talk about the experience, we find out that Nathan had written a little speech for the end of the short film that gives it its heart, and really gets to the core of what Radiant Black really is or should be. But it’s bittersweet, because, as Nathan and Marshall are talking about it, we realize that Marshall really just wants to do this on his own without Nathan. So, there’s a little bit of a breakup there between the two friends. Two pages later, we ran an “ad” for the short film with a QR code– if you scan the QR code, it takes you to the fully-animated short that we did with Will Friedle voicing Radiant Black and the actors who played Blaze and The Grey Raven 15 years ago in The League, reprising their roles. So, when you get to the speech at the end of the short and you compare it to the last conversation Nathan and Marshall had in the issue, you realize it’s bittersweet– the speech worked, but behind the scenes the two friends are divided.

MW: I love it when you guys take stabs like that. Working something interesting like that into the narrative.

KH: I want to highlight what you just said there because that’s what’s really important to us– taking a stab at new media or playing with a book’s format, no matter what it is, always comes out of the story. The Versus short film comes out of the story between the two friends. It’s a really cool short film that we’re all proud of, on its own, but the reason to do it was because it’s additive to the story arc that we were already doing in the comic. Another example of this is what we’ve been doing with NO/ONE, which features an in-universe podcast that the reporters of the book make, investigating the identity of NO/ONE and their coverage of this accountability killing movement that has sparked in Pittsburgh. We make that podcast for every issue as a scripted audio series with Rachael Leigh Cook, Patton Oswalt, Todd Stashwick, Yuri Lowenthal, Walter Jones… just an amazing cast. The podcast and the story in the book are also supported by in-universe websites and fictional newspaper articles that accompany each episode. I hired a crime reporter from CNN and the Chicago Tribune, named Peter Nickeas, to consult and help us write all the articles. It’s our way of taking the idea of immersion, especially in a murder mystery, to the next level. The cap to this is the recently-announced feature film that Brian Buccellato and I are writing and producing and that I’m directing, which is designed as a true crime superhero documentary. So, utilizing a “documentary” format, the film is both an adaptation of the comic and podcast as well as a continuation of the story. Steven Schneider, who produced Paranormal Activity, Insidious, Late Night with the Devil, Blair Witch– he’s a king in the found footage world– is producing it with us along with ZQ Entertainment and Stuart Manashil. It’s a narrative where immersion is additive to both the genre and the specific story we’re telling.

MW: So, on top of comics, you’ve also got a short film, an animated short, a fictional podcast series, an upcoming audiobook, an upcoming feature, and an upcoming card battle game. I just wanted to ask you when we can expect the Fortnite skins and also what’s next?

KH: You say what is next like we’re not stretched razor thin right now (laughs). Is it not enough for you?? Is it not enough, everything we’re currently killing ourselves to pull off?!

MW: No.

KH: I mean, what else is there? A show, I guess? Things that are insanely outside of our budget and control. I mean, yeah– we have a lot of ideas and a lot of, “wouldn’t it be cool if” concepts and plans. Some of those are going to take longer to come to fruition than others. In large part, because, if you think about it, the Massive-Verse as a universe and as a publishing line, as well as Black Market Narrative as a studio, are all still quite new. Radiant Black #1 came out in February of 2021. So, we’re not even at the four year mark at this point. And we’ve done quite a bit, because the stuff that we’re trying to do is all stuff that we either have a love for, or have experience in. And most of the time it’s both. These are also things that were designed to be achievable even at our relatively small size and for relatively small budgets. They were things that we thought would help us capture some of that magic that we felt existed when we were growing up on superhero stories across comics and other media. In large part we feel like the magic hasn’t been there for some time and that’s for many reasons, but there’s a component of it that I think is related to the mass proliferation of superhero content that all feels the same.

MW: Multiple shows and movies a year will do that.

KH: I think as exciting as it is, it’s also made it harder to do anything that really feels special and unique. We’ve also transitioned out of the video physical media boom of DVDs and Blu-ray. You see a lot of cutting corners now when it comes to special features and behind the scenes materials. Those things that go the extra mile and help audiences revel in the magic of how something is made. The things I grew up loving. You see studios not focused on that, or caring about things of that nature in the era of streaming. That loss is very personal to me. We want to do things that excite us, that we know we can pull off at a high level, and also feel help us put a little bit of the magic back in the world that we all miss.

MW: I recently listened to an interview where you were asked about comics in service to film and TV. You were quick to shoot that notion down, saying, “That’s a disservice to the medium. Comics are their own thing, and if an adaptation comes later, it happens.” On that note, what do you think is lost when going from page to screen? Is there something that bad comic adaptations continuously get wrong? 

KH: That’s a big question. I think if I had to boil it down – When I was a kid, I really would be excited about seeing translations. As an adult, I am much more interested in seeing adaptations and the difference between those two for me is one of creative vision and intent. As much as people may bemoan the Joker being the one who killed Thomas and Martha Wayne in Batman ‘89, it’s a choice that works within the unique world that Tim Burton built. And because of where it ends up falling in the narrative structure of the movie, that reveal ends up recontextualizing things. It happens at the end of the second act, the reveal, and the realization on Bruce’s part then gives context to not only the audience, but also recontextualization for a lot of the story of the first two acts, just as Bruce is getting ready to go into the final battle. It ends up emotionally heightening the stakes in an organic way. You look at the choices made on the X-MEN films. You look at the choices made on Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man films, even Nolan’s Batman. They’re not doing panel-to-screen. They are more interested in creating worlds and takes based on this material that hopefully is accentuating the things about the material that resonate with the filmmakers. To varying degrees of success, of course. But now we are in this era where, especially on the Marvel side, these movies and shows all look the same. That’s by design, of course, so that everything feels more cohesive as a universe. 

MW: Right.

KH: But I feel like we lose something as a result. We can do anything and create any frame imaginable with the technology that’s out there, and because of that, I feel like a lot of the authorship and choices have been lost. Growing up, I found comics through movies. I was obsessed with Richard Donner’s Superman, and Tim Burton’s Batman. Things in animation like Batman: The Animated Series, and X-MEN the Animated Series. All four of those I just named, even with X-MEN being so influenced by Jim Lee’s art, they are not doing movie or animated series translation. They’re all making choices and building takes that are intrinsic to their creators’ vision of the material. When we talk about comics being adapted to movies, most of the time people are thinking about superheroes. My favorite comic book adaptation of all time is Road to Perdition. It’s a fantastic, criminally underrated film. Paul Newman’s last movie, I believe. It’s based on the graphic novel by Max Allen Collins, with art by Richard Piers Rayner. Most people don’t know that it was based on a comic book. I would argue in large part, because the authorship, both visually and narratively, is so strong and distinct that it feels like a piece unto its own rather than something that is a derivative translation to another medium.

MW: It’s one of those things where if you don’t know it’s based on a comic you get to enjoy the film for being a film and then later on the comic for being a comic. You’re not going in, ready to pick apart the adaptation based on your preconceived notions.

KH: That’s why I bristle a little bit at the question. It’s not any fault of the previous interviewer for asking it. There’s a perception and an acceptance to some extent that you make a comic because you’re trying to make a movie or a TV show, and I absolutely hate that because they’re different mediums. They work differently. I’m a big believer that you have to build a story that takes full advantage of the medium you’re working in. You can’t be designing something for another medium and just try to do a comic to shore up the IP in order to make it more attractive as a film or TV show. Coming from a writing and directing background I get the notion of thinking about something from your book being ripe for the screen, but the second you’re chasing that dragon and using the page to serve the screen, the book’s going to suck.

MW: Continuing with adaptations, there was a C.O.W.L. adaptation in the works over at 21st Century Fox about a decade ago. In a recent interview, you mentioned that things had been going well for a while. Then at one point your agent reached out to see if you guys could get more money for the pilot, and then they tried to backdoor you.

KH: Wow! I don’t know where you found that. I think I’ve only told that story once, and I don’t even remember where it was.

MW: We’ll link to the interview here for anyone who wants to check it out. It’s a good interview. So, as you mentioned at the start of our conversation, you jokingly said, you’ll do a TV show next. Have you cooled on the idea of TV from that C.O.W.L. experience?

KH: No, not at all. TV is not my preferred medium. To be honest, I love movies. I love features. There was certainly a period where, up until very recently, the indie feature was really being put out to pasture against its will, and against pretty much every filmmaker’s will. In its place, the eight-episode prestige show became what was being sold to us as creators from a standpoint of, that’s where you go to do your real character focused work. Like what you would have done as an indie feature a decade ago. There was some really interesting stuff that was done during the peak TV era, but it’s not a format that I’ve ever put my focus behind. It’s funny because I write comics full time. So much of what I do is an ongoing series, which reflects closest to a TV model. But what I really love is features. I mean, I have had some stuff over the years that we’ve optioned. But it’s stuff that has never gone forward far enough that it became a real thing.

MW: It’s hard to get your hopes up when so many things don’t see the light of day, even after years of work. 

KH: With the C.O.W.L. situation, it was never actually at 21st Century. That’s who made us an offer. We had it set up with New Regency and Trigger Street. This was long before any of us knew what was going on with Kevin Spacey. So, Trigger Street was a pretty prominent company and name in 2014. We were working with Trigger Street and New Regency and then 21st Century Fox made an offer, and essentially they backwards negotiated where they’d made an offer for an option price, and then a quote for Alec Siegel and myself to write the pilot. My agency countered asking for more money on the pilot, and it wasn’t anything huge. 21st Century Fox then came back and took the pilot script deal off the table to instead “focus on shoring up the rights.” My manager and my agent freaked out. They were like, “Whoa! That’s not how this is done. You’re backwards negotiating. That’s not negotiating in good faith.” And Fox claimed they wanted to close the rights deal before the end of the year, and then revisit this down the line. At that point, my reps were pushing for an If Come Deal, meaning if you’re going to go forward on developing a pilot, then you have to hire Kyle and Alec to write it, and they wouldn’t do it. They just wanted the rights. So, we walked away from it.

MW: That had to be tough, but good for you guys pulling out on your terms. 

KH: There was another studio exec at one point on another project who didn’t want me as a writer on it. Again, they just wanted the material. I remember them saying “Kyle needs this deal.” And I told my manager, “I really don’t,” and killed it and walked away. This is a long way of saying I’m not opposed to anything in TV. It just has to be the right situation and the right fit with the right partners. It has to be something that I am doing with them as opposed to watching them do with my work. I do think a lot of the stuff we do in the Massive-Verse works better for TV than it does for film. If that were an opportunity down the line, it’s not something we are opposed to exploring. But again, it has to be the right situation.

MW: Sticking to TV, I’ve seen Radiant Black being compared to Invincible. I believe Robert Kirkman even said something along the lines of the two being similar. It was a quote on the first trade paperback.

KH: It’s on the cover. Yeah.

MW: Well, now with the Invincible out and doing well. When was that first season? 2020? 2021?

KH: First season was … oh, yeah, you’re right. It was March 2021.

MW: It feels like it’s been out for 10 years. So that comes out. People love it. Between the comparisons and the show doing well, is that an added pressure on you and the Radiant Black team or does it have you rubbing your hands together menacingly saying, “Yes, yes, it’s all coming together”?

KH: No, you know it’s neither for me. I’m a huge Invincible fan. I had read the first 12 issues years and years ago, and then right before Covid happened and while I was building Radiant Black, I decided I needed to read the rest of the run. Partially because I had been meaning to do it forever, but also because I wanted to make sure I was staying away from certain elements while building out Radiant Black. So, I got the 12 hardcover books and plowed through the entire run in two months. I loved it, just loved it. And it was the first time in a long time where I got to be a fan of something again, and I just had such a blast going through that. It’s exciting for me as a fan to see Invincible do as well as it’s doing but as far as pressure or feeling like it’s creating an opportunity, I don’t feel like that at all. I don’t feel either of those things– we’re doing our own thing. I love the thought that people think of us in any way as a spiritual sequel to Invincible. That just warms my heart. I love that, but I also know what we’re doing and how we’re different.

MW: That run was really good and the show is great. You guys are in good company. 

KH: Robert did a really kind and special thing when Radiant Black was launching. He sent me a pull quote where he compared Radiant Black to Invincible. The quote was, “The perfect superhero comic book for anyone missing Invincible,” and there was more to it like, “or anyone who hated Invincible, or anyone who, you know, never heard of Invincible… it’s just the perfect superhero comic to fall in love with superheroes again.” Robert said use this in any way you want. Cut it up, use whatever. I love to tell people about that as often as I can, because that is such an awesome and generous thing for a creator, especially of Robert’s caliber, to do where he absolutely didn’t have to. Especially knowing that his show was about to come out a few months later. I know big creators who would never comp their successful thing that they’re most known for and is about to be an even bigger thing, to some new thing in a way that gives an added bump to it. But Robert did, and we’ll forever be thankful to him for that.

MW: Yeah. I imagine most creators would say, “Radiant Black? Nah, go read Invincible or whatever my thing is.” Speaking of Radiant Black, I got to check it out earlier this year. I’m new to comics and stumbled upon the first issue while at my local comic shop. The cover on issue #1 caught my eye, but what sucked me in was turning to the first page and seeing a bank account in the negative. As a struggling millennial opening and seeing that first panel I was like, “this motherfucker has my attention.” So, I scooped up the first 10 issues. 

KH: I love it. 

MW: It’s this story about the struggles of a generation and you know it’s funny. All the Invincible comparisons come in and while yes, it’s a superhero satire, it is also about how your parents really aren’t superheroes and are these flawed people. Meanwhile, Radiant Black, and the radiant series is saying that you have to be your own superhero. No one is coming to save you, and I think there’s something beautiful about that. We’re going to get into a little bit of spoiler territory. You have the 2 Radiants Black. You have Nathan Burnett returning home after failing in Hollywood, and then you have Marshall Ward, who never left home, never actually tried and is a bit bitter about that. I always like to ask creators who do you relate with the most? Are you a little bit of both? Are you Nathan one day and Marshall the next? 

KH: The book’s not about me but there’s a lot of me in the book, and that’s by design. For example, I’ve been in L.A. for 20 years and I’ve never had to move back in with my parents because things got so bad. I did leave town after a bad breakup in 2016 and went on a kind of adventure off to Europe. On my way back to LA, all my stuff was in storage, and I ended up staying with my parents for a few days. Those few days turned into a couple of months, because I realized I’d left Illinois for California when I was 20 and every time I’d ever come home for a week, two weeks, whatever, I would say, “One day, when I have time and the resources, I’m going to come back and spend a big amount of time here with my parents, as an adult.” I never got to do that and then all of a sudden, I’m there and I had nowhere I had to be, so I decided to finally commit to it. So, I stayed there for three or four months and had this amazing time with my family that I felt like I had missed for a decade.

MW: That’s nice. Quality time like that isn’t easy to get. 

KH: So, the book is set in my hometown, or one town over. I grew up in Homer Glen, but I went to high school in Lockport, and so I set the book in Lockport. Nathan’s house is a friend of mine’s house. The retro video rental store that Marshall works at doesn’t exist, but that building exists and is called the Roxy Theater. We just turned it into the retro video rental store that we all wish existed there, especially when we were growing up. As far as a personality thing, there are definitely aspects of both that kind of come from different aspects of my personality, for sure. Nathan wasn’t doing Hollywood stuff, but he was in L.A. chasing this romanticized idea of a dream that doesn’t exist anymore. Similarly, my love and dream of directing and filmmaking really comes from a filmmaking era that doesn’t exist anymore and hasn’t existed, really, since probably the early 2000s.

MW: And the filmmaker/director pools are getting smaller with each passing day.

KH: Nathan feeling like he had an opportunity to do something meaningful and wasted it is a constant terror of mine. I got a lot of opportunities very early on in my career. I directed a short film in college called The League, which became the basis for my book C.O.W.L., years later, which is a part of the Massive-Verse. I put that short online and one of the first people that saw it and reached out to me was Joe Quesada, who was the Editor-in-Chief of Marvel at the time, and so I started pitching to Marvel when I was 23. Then I wrote my first book for Marvel, an issue of Captain America when I was 24. That was the first comic book I ever wrote. I was at DC by the time I was 25, and then started working on The New 52, and suddenly you blink and it’s been years. You have a career, but you’re not doing the thing you really want to do. And it always bothers you.

MW: You feel the pull from the other thing, even though you’re already so busy as it is. 

KH: There was a Senior VP at Universal who told my reps, “We think Kyle’s first movie should be made for 40 million.” And my eyes just went wide, like, “Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds amazing.” But then you realize, you’re 24 and you don’t yet know how to do the thing that you need to do to actually move that forward and take advantage of that opportunity. In my case, that meant writing a really strong feature script and I was dead set on doing it myself. Then years go by, and you feel like you wasted the opportunity. That’s something I relate to heavily, even though it’s worked out for me. Like you said as you alluded to upfront, I’m getting ready to go direct my first feature now. I’ve come close over the years a few times on some even bigger stuff. It’s still something that you think about. I remember that feeling very well, because I had it for so many years, even as my comic book career was going well. I felt like I was doing this at the expense of the thing that I truly wanted to do but maybe was too afraid to ask for help on, or because if you don’t ever really try, you never fail at it. In hindsight there probably was a little bit of that feeling inside of me. The other side of it is when you’re making a living as a writer and you’re writing the number of comics you have to write just to be able to afford to live, there’s very little time to go off and write a hundred plus page screenplay for fun. I was writing four or five books a month sometimes, and that comes with its own struggles. You’re learning how to do this, and how to be a consistent writer, and how to get better, but you’re also doing it under this really bright spotlight, especially when working with someone else’s characters. So, there’s a lot wrapped up in it all. Creative anxieties.

MW: And what about how you relate to Marshall?

KH: There are aspects of Marshall’s personality, not even so much the never tried but a level of insecurity masked with extroverted tendencies masking a deep level of insecurity, self-sabotage and even a bit of self-hatred. That’s something I understand and relate to quite a bit. Robert said something one time that I loved, which was that you can’t pick your hits. At the same time, though, when I was developing Radiant Black, I really thought we might have something there. Especially coming off three years writing Power Rangers and building out that line at Boom, then tackling Ultraman with Mat Groom at Marvel, which is another take on a Tokusatsu icon, I felt that between those and all my past superhero work, that I could build something new and contemporary with those aesthetic influences. I felt, if I could hit the emotional core in a way that I didn’t see other books doing at the time, we could really have something. So, looping back on the Robert “you can’t pick your hits” quote, I decided to try to avoid the self-sabotage route and really take a swing to set Radiant Black up to be a book that– if it worked– could grow with me, and I could enjoy writing for the next 10 to 15 years, (knock on wood) rather than a book that I might feel like a chore to keep coming back to, that I might end up fostering resentment towards because I have to keep coming back to it. That might sound like a silly thing to consider at the start of something, because it sounds like you’re planning for it to work, but that is absolutely something that Marshall would do (laughs). And I think you do kind of have to have a little bit of that self-delusion just to force yourself to will things into existence that otherwise aren’t going to just happen. I think that’s a quality that I feel like you were touching on a little bit earlier. We’re on the edge of all the stuff that we’re doing out in the other mediums. We’re not waiting or asking for permission. We are just doing it because we want to see it done, and we want to do it ourselves. You need a little bit of that, especially in this day and age and in these industries.

MW: So, you take Nathan’s anxiety. You take Marshall’s self-hatred and self-sabotage, and I know C.O.W.L. was based on your short, which I just watched like an hour ago, and I loved it. That was great.

KH: Oh, thanks!

MW: Take what you’re doing. You have to do everything. You have to be the marketer. You have to make this; you have to make that. Is C.O.W.L. a glance at a previous generation and their path to “the top”? Do you look at a character like Geoffrey Warner and shout, “You had so much, and it cost you so little”?

KH: Yeah, that’s a really interesting and astute observation. I think that’s a bit retroactive if I’m being honest, as it was never the intent at the time. But between the short film and then ultimately going even further and building out the comic series, it’s there. From the start, Alec and I were really interested in the idea of looking at the corruption of American institutions and I think that transcends eras. It’s especially applicable now, but in the sixties, I wanted to look at that through the lens of labor politics in Chicago and superheroes in a slightly meta way, the transition from the Golden Age to the Silver Age in comics. You could argue the Golden Age of superheroes are the flawless Titans that we could never be. We look up to Superman, Wonder Woman, even Batman. These are the Titans that will save us. Which gives way in the Silver Age with Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, The X-Men, The Hulk, and everything in that huge Marvel boom. These are the flawed gods that are amongst us. So, there’s a relatability there and that’s where Marvel’s world outside your window approach really took off. I liked the idea of taking superheroes, that would have been big in the late-forties, early-fifties, and as they’re now getting older and they are running this institution, they are clinging on under the pretense of for the greater good, but it’s really just self-preservation. Deep down, selfishly, they’re terrified that they’re being passed by. I think that’s a thematic idea or at least a motif that transcends eras in our history, especially in this country, and very much applies right now.

MW: It’s creating a bottleneck out of fear of being “done.” 

KH: I’d be lying if I said that I was using C.O.W.L. to comment on all these things we have to do as creators. That was not the intent, but I do agree with you that it actually does map pretty well to that. From a media standpoint, even a comic standpoint, the industry is so wildly different now than it was 10 years ago. I really started breaking in near the end of 2008. Even heading into 2018, companies were still sending editors to shows. Marvel and DC had big booth presences. There were big dinners for creators that were great networking opportunities. Everything has changed so much. If you’re a new writer now, I don’t even know what all that looks like anymore. The pipeline is broken. To be coming up at one of these institutions, to be doing good work, developing under an editor who knows how to teach, with opportunities that are real and pay. It’s a bummer, but there are ways to still do this, and there are ways to break through. But the plus side is that because of the Internet, the world is so interconnected now, and as a creator it means that there’s really no such thing as undiscovered genius. If you’re doing good work as a creator, as a developing creator, and you’re putting it out there, people will see it. 

MW: It’s funny you mention the pipeline because in every other industry you now hear that the pipeline is broken. You hear it about TV. Staff writers don’t go to set at all and they’re not getting that set experience they’ll need to be showrunners down the line. You hear it in video games, too, how someone works on a project for three years, and they’re laid off just as the game is nearing release. I had a feeling comics were in a similar spot. It’s still disheartening to hear that’s actually the case. 

KH: Yeah. Page rates are stagnant. They have been for some time. What Covid did to Marvel and DC, it feels like a lot of the larger entertainment landscape has now caught up to what we all started going through in 2020. DC had a mass layoff around June of 2020, and it was everyone above a certain pay grade. I still have friends in DC, and they’re doing great work. But you know, DC is not even in the offices that they had custom built in Burbank when they were forced to move from New York in 2014. They’re not in that space anymore. It’s just a different entity. I don’t get the sense that the Warner Brothers money is there anymore.

MW: I think WB and DC would agree with that statement.

KH: This is something that C.O.W.L. touches on, as well as Radiant Black. It’s this idea of mega corporations, and what comes with us selling out to them as a society. It comes with some perks for sure– it’s great that you can go on Amazon and hit order, and depending on what it is, it might be at your doorstep that very day. On the flip side of that, Amazon buys a company like ComiXology and decides that it doesn’t make enough money for them anymore, or in the way that we thought it would, and then all of a sudden, the resources they were pouring into ComiXology dry up. And something that so many people utilized and relied on to read comics is gone with no readily available alternative. Amazon was able to do that because they’re so big. The same thing goes with Marvel being owned by Disney and DC being owned by Warner Brothers. When those corporate interests shift away from periodicals and comics, due to not hitting a revenue marker, that doesn’t mean there’s no validity or merit in a platform or medium’s continued existence and operation. But these companies can crater the industry if they want to.

MW: I don’t want to get too ahead, you’ve still got two issues left of C.O.W.L. 1964, but it feels like you’re making the argument that it all eventually has to end. Like you can have it all, but you won’t have it all for forever. 

KH: I think there’s that, but I also think there’s a strong component of not everything needing to scale. I’m increasingly a big believer in that. Around the time I was starting Black Market Narrative, a very smart businessman told me that you don’t start a company without a plan to sell. I understand the reasoning behind that and the spirit of that comment. You’re trying to design a company in a way that makes it attractive and the best way for a company to be attractive is how much money it’s making consistently, or the innovative things it’s doing within a space. I get the spirit behind the comment, but my thing has always been– why does everything have to sell? Why can’t doing something well at a level that’s sustainable just be enough? 

MW: Why does growth always have to be the end game?

KH: Right. Why can’t we have more A24s? More Neons. Why does everything have to get to a point where the business model is selling to a larger entity, getting your bag, and walking away? Why leave something so many people love or rely on at the whims of conglomerates that can take movies out of release windows and shelve them forever as a tax deduction? Why do we champion structures that allow that? That’s a larger conversation from a societal standpoint. It’s just incredibly disheartening.

MW: Disheartening, because then from the creative side, you see a creative make that sale, and then they either disappear or go on and make another company that’s a perfect likeness to the previous company. In the hope of recapturing some magic from the company they sold. I get the inclination of not wanting to disappear and wanting to do something else, but whoof. 

KH: Yeah.

MW: You mentioned Joe Clark earlier. The two of you just finished Deep Cuts, which you were nominated for an Eisner for best anthology. 

KH: Yep.

MW: Congrats. The book is a fictional history that follows all these different artists throughout these different decades. Throughout the series you see all these artists struggling to make a name for themselves, but there’s this major throughline in the series of the smallest occurrence in someone’s career being an inspiration to someone in the next generation and driving them forward in their efforts. They also might not make it in the way they thought, but then something they did goes on to influence the next generation, and that cycle just keeps going and going. When your career is over after you’ve made all your comics, you’ve made the features, the TV, the card games that you want to make. What do you want the next generation of creators to take away from you, The Massive-Verse, and Black Market Media?

KH: That we’re doing it for the love of the game. Whether it’s new creators who we are trying to give opportunities to, readers who are finding comics because of us, or lapsed comic readers finding their excitement for the medium again, because of us. I hope that’s what we’re most remembered for, because everyone doing this stuff is really doing it for the love of the game and we are putting everything we have into it. That includes also doing things the right way, concerning how things like this should be done with creators, collaboration, ownership, and things of that nature. Like I said before, it’s so tough, pipeline-wise, to really break in and find the right platforms to grow on and also do work that people will see. We are very cognizant of that, and we’re constantly looking for new creators and new artists all the time. The reason I set up Black Market Narrative as a creative collective is for the very reasons that I’m talking about right now. I just want to be additive to the history of creators, making really cool comics that push the boundaries and remind people why comics are so exciting, and how cool they can be.

MW: I love that. That’s a good button. Kyle. Thank you so much for chatting with us today.

KH: Of course.

 

Travis Bickle Was Never The “Real” Taxi Driver, Director Martin Scorsese Confirms

In a recent interview, Taxi Driver director Martin Scorsese has confirmed that Travis Bickle, the character played by Robert De Niro and idolized by cabbies everywhere, was never intended to be the real Taxi Driver. Instead, Bickle was simply an unsuspecting military vet who had the title of Taxi Driver thrust upon him.

Taxi Driver ends with Bickle celebrated as a vigilante hero by the media, for his actions that saved Jodi Foster’s Iris, from having to grow up in the atrocious cesspool that is New York City. Bickle eventually returns to driving his cab. The final shot of the film shows him looking in his rearview mirror, disgusted with the contents of his backseat. It’s in this closing moment, that Bickle realizes he is not really the Taxi Driver.

“During the ‘You talkin to me’ scene Travis has this realization that he’s not talking to a taxi driver. He’s talking to Travis Bickle,” Scorsese said with tired eyes. “You can put a man in a taxi and call him a taxi driver, but that doesn’t make him a taxi driver. That final look in the rearview mirror? That’s a man who feels disdain for the Taxi Driver, and loathes the yellow cab-fared corner the world has painted him into.”

Scorsese also points out how Cybill Shepherd’s character, Betsy, never acknowledges Bickle as the Taxi Driver until the end of the film.

“We get to the end and she hasn’t called him Taxi Driver even once,” Scorsese said, shaking his head in disappointment. “I told Paul [Schrader], she should at least call him it once, that way he can say ‘I’m not the Taxi Driver, I’m Travis Bickle.’ But Paul wouldn’t budge an inch. Instead we had to settle for him turning down her cab fare and hoping the audience was literate enough to understand the subtext. That was our mistake.”

Taxi Driver screenwriter Paul Schrader argued against Scorsese’s read of the film in a recent video interview with THR.

“Marty said what now? He’s full of shit,” Schrader said, putting on his coat mid-interview. “Sorry I’m bored out of my eyes with this interview and I just realized Arcane season one is getting a steel book release. I’m gonna go grab a copy at Target. You guys keep going with the interview. I’ll be back later.”

At press time, Schrader had returned to the interview, just to leave after another ten minutes.

Israel Credits America’s GenocideFAQs Page for Their Success in Gaza

JERUSALEM — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has cited America’s substantial GenocideFAQs page as a major credit to their success in annihilating every man, woman, and child in Gaza.

The Philadelphian turned tinpot dictator spoke to the UN and, between rounds of raucous applause, explained how indispensable the American guide on genocide has been in their own campaign against Palestine.

“We knew for decades that we wanted to do a genocide run in the Gaza Strip, but always felt we came up short,” Netanyahu said. “Thanks to America’s comprehensive guide on eradicating an entire people, we’ve been more successful in the last year than ever before. It turns out when you say you’re fighting terrorism you can act with impunity. I even began using a Palestinian child’s skull as an ashtray. All I had to say was they were Hamas and my good friend Joe Biden asked if I could get him one of his own. I told him, ‘Of course, I have thousands!’”

President Biden spoke to the press about the matter. Reiterating the refrain that Israel has a right to defend itself.

“America will stand by our allies in Israel, and we wouldn’t have published our GenocideFAQs if we didn’t want our friends to use them, and no one has been a better friend to America than Israel. That’s why we will continue sending them billions in arms without hesitation,” President Biden said. “The Hamburglar attack on October 7th is what caused this conflict, not Israel. You can quote me on that and take it to the bank, Jack!”

Secretary of State Antony Blinken removed his head from the deepest recesses of Netanyahu’s ass long enough to make his own statement.

“Do we condemn the reckless killing of civilians? Absolutely,” Secretary Blinken said. “But as our friends in the IDF have verified, more than 100% of the population in the Gaza Strip are part of Hamas. And as you all know, Hamas are terrorists and it’s clearly stated in America’s GenocideFAQs that the most effective way to commit an ethnic cleansing is by implying all members of a specific group of people are terrorists so I’m failing to see what the issue is. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s growing cold and I must return to the warm embrace of Bibi’s ass.”

At press time, the IDF had begun issuing print copies of America’s GenocideFAQs page to all of their enlisted members.

Megalopolis Review: Sheesh, I Hope Whoever Made This Didn’t Waste Too Much Time on It

One thing I always ask myself when I sit down to review a movie is, “Is everyone who worked on this okay?” The last thing I want is to see the actors, crew members, directors, and writers have their time wasted on a project that just didn’t come together.

And so, while I can’t say I enjoyed Megalopolis, I can’t fault it too hard. It doesn’t seem like it took too long to throw together, so hopefully everyone involved can just collect a paycheck and move on. It’s important to judge movies on a scale, and when you have an indie B-movie that was clearly rushed through production, you have to give it a little more leeway than you would something that took years upon years and over a hundred million dollars to develop.

The movie, written and directed by some journeyman named Francis Copperfield, takes place in a futuristic world that draws most of its inspiration from Blade Runner and Gladiator. Adam Driver plays Cesar, a character named after the protagonist of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Cesar is an architect who can stop time, an obvious nod to X-Men: Days of Future Past, and he wants to use his power to build a utopian city. Copperfield is definitely drawing inspiration from Bioshock, here.

Note that Copperfield is cobbling together a lot of ideas from popular films and video games from the last thirty or so years, so it’s safe to say he’s pretty green to this whole screenwriting thing, and most likely, he was under a lot of pressure to get this thing up on its feet in a very short amount of time. It’s not like he put decades of thought, preparation, and his own money into it. He’s trying his best, guys. Let’s give the kid a chance.

But again, I’m glad he didn’t spend too much time working on this silly project, and I hope the money and exposure he gets from this project gives him the power to work on something he really cares about. I mean, hey! He got to work with Adam Driver! That’s gonna look great on his resume! This movie might not be a critical darling, but I’m sure Copperfield won’t mind once he gets to work on his real dream project.

Megalopolis is in theaters now.

Game Freak Leak Confirms You’ll Never Be as Happy as You Used To

TOKYO — Internal documents from Pokémon developer Game Freak have been leaked online, the contents of which have confirmed what many gamers have long since suspected. They’ll never be as happy as they were in their younger days.

“It’s very unfortunate that these private documents were obtained by an unauthorized third party and leaked to the public. We never meant for gamers to discover this information and have the hope that the spark of life would return to be shattered,” said Game Freak representative Konosuke Suzuki in a press statement. “The one thing keeping gamers going through the dark void that is life was the small glimmer of hope that one day they would be happy again, they were never meant to know the truth because that could affect sales.”

The confirmation that gamers will never be truly happy again came from a company wide memo that came straight from the CEO. It read as follows:

“Many gamers feel like the reason they have responded to our games less than enthusiastically is because of our lack of any meaningful innovation and the regression of polish as the years have gone on. And while that’s absolutely the case, the simple fact is that the spark is gone. They think that by playing this children’s game that they played when they were young, it will awaken the happiness they used to feel but the truth is that they’ll never feel that again. They now exist in a perpetually state of depression and anxiety searching for anything that can make them feel. They are the walking dead and as such we should never listen to their demands to improve our games.”

Kazuchika Shibata, one of the lead devs on the last few Pokémon games weighed in on how this leak will affect things.

“We do believe that this leak will affect sales. Children will of course still be buying the games but most of our adult Pokémon fans don’t even like Pokémon. They only bought the games with the intention of reigniting the spark of joy and happiness they had as kids but haven’t felt since they entered the working world. They did this despite knowing the games are undercooked and bad because they were desperate to try and obtain happiness. Now that they know definitively that they’ll never be as happy as they used to be, they have no reason to buy more Pokémon games.”

At press time, Pokémon fans online have reacted in denial, claiming that surely the next game will fix all the problems and make them happy.

Clinically Depressed Zelda Uses Bed for Every Puzzle

HYRULE — Sources close to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, say that she appears to be clinically depressed, and has only been spawning in beds in response to every puzzle she comes across during her prolonged battle against the forces of darkness.

“We’re supposed to be working to repair the rifts that have appeared across the kingdom, but lately Zelda has been acting…different,” said Tri, a spirit assisting Zelda in fighting the rifts. “I really started being concerned when in every dungeon room she would spawn in a bed with a TV just to start rewatching Bojack Horseman again.”

Princess Zelda has reportedly been given the power to duplicate any object or monster she comes across in her journey, and is denying claims that she is using this godlike power exclusively to bedrot.

“I’m not depressed. I mean at most I’ve been a little more tired lately and my sleep quality is terrible and I have no appetite and there doesn’t seem to be a point to continuously fighting these monsters,” said Zelda, who slept for 13 hours yesterday. “Look, sometimes these puzzles call for me to echo five beds to make a California King. And sometimes I need to rest for three hours after doing that because it takes a lot out of me. And yeah, sometimes I’ll stay in bed scrolling on my phone after that for a few hours—oh god I might be depressed.”

Friends of Zelda were initially concerned about the princess’s behavior when they discovered that she hadn’t been eating as well, opting instead to create echoes of cereal for every meal.

“Impa tried to get me to talk to her, but it’s been hard getting through in our sessions,” said Dr. Bas, the Hyrule royal therapist. “Every appointment we’ve had has ended with Zelda possessing me and dragging me into a two block high body of water she spawned in. So progress has been slow.”

As of press time, Zelda’s mental health has reportedly improved drastically since drinking a smoothie consisting of a golden egg and a prescription 10mg Prozac pill.

30 Real Life Side Quests to Avoid Advancing Your Main Storyline

Do you ever feel like the game of life is moving by way too quickly? Did you plow through most of the game and now they’re letting you know this is your last chance to upgrade your weapons and armor before the final battle? Or are you just starting out and looking to jack your stats by performing pointless menial tasks while the kingdom falls to ruin. Regardless of your reason, here are 30 real life side quests to avoid advancing your main storyline.

Feed the Squirrels

While in the park instead of feeling superior to the squirrels you can feed them! After several weeks of repeated feeding you can max out your squirrel bonding. Congrats! You know have a plump rodent army eager to do your bidding. 

Spare a Dollar

The Stranger on the corner asks you for a dollar. If you give him one he will ask for another. This repeats until you’ve given the stranger 247 billion USD. He will then start a space program and ruin twitter. 

Why Not Take a Break

Why not take a break? You can pause the game by pressing plus, or just head to the breakroom and play on your phone for a few minutes. Robbie says we’re supposed to punch out and punch back in if it’s longer than 20 minutes but he vapes a lot so he doesn’t really have time to enforce that.  

Write for Hard Drive

Use your gift of higher intelligence for the most noble of purposes, entertaining people on the internet. If done correctly, the editors may smile upon thee. 

Draw

A steep learning curve, but if you max out the stat people on the internet will pay you big bucks for unspeakable things. 

Poetry

Dig through the deepest parts of your soul until you’ve discovered four profound insights on the human condition. Then plug them into a little rhyme scheme and bam, you’re the voice of generation. Those who don’t praise you, will fear you. 

Test Your Free Will

Paint your nails, cut your hair, order a different sandwich at Subway. Run out into the middle of a woodland glade and twirl gleefully as you feel the first chill of fall creeping over the mountains. Do whatever you want because we told you to. 

Gamble

In a world where money can buy happiness, why not play fun little games with it? Turn your hard earned dollars into nifty little trinkets and slowly give them away to a massive corporation. You might win something, but what you’ve lost was even greater. 

Play Portal

Both one and two. They’re  really good games guys. There’s a robot and she’s like sassy, you’ll see what we mean. 

Do Your Laundry

This minigame is a classic within the household chores DLC. At first it’s a simple matching and sorting game into whites and colors. But upon completion, players unlock a second phase where the sorted clothes must enter a series of machines. After waiting the allotted time (or skipping the wait with 100 Laundry Gems) the laundry is done and the game resets for the rest of your life. 

Get a Pet

If playing the game of life by yourself hasn’t been working out and the idea of getting affection from another person sounds appalling, try buying a pet. Dog, cat, fish, whatever—it doesn’t matter. This is really more about you than it is them.

Get a Real Job

It’s easy! Just walk into the head office, look the boss in the eye and hand them your resume ON PAPER! They’ll be so impressed they’ll have no choice but to hire you. 

Go Visit Your Local Library

We got rid of that one guy, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about anymore. 

Buy Bitcoin

It’s about time you go and see what all the fuss is about. 

Call Your Mom

You’ll never believe what Lynn next door started doing in her front yard. I really think I’m going to say something this time! She’s lowering the property values! 

Find My Purse!

Spider-Man, wait! Before you go, I lost my purse on one of the rooftops around here.

On a different rooftop? 

Yes. 

Different from this one?

 Yes. 

Are you serious? What? Are you taking some kind of tour of city rooftops?

 Yes. 

Okay, whatever, I’ll find your purse for you. 

Fishing

Experience all the beauty and majesty that nature has to offer by getting trashed in a canoe. After a few hours you can watch the life drain from a living creature’s eyes. 

Read Classic Literature

See! Every emotion you’ve ever felt has already been expressed by someone else more eloquently than you ever could. Bonus points for every dystopian novel that’s inching dangerously closer to our reality. 

Love

Finding the person you know you could spend the rest of your life with is one of the most enriching minigames life has to offer! Or you could try and find a really good sandwich, whatever feels right. 

Thrifting

Scavenging through the garbage and broken dreams of strangers can provide lots of cheap and unique customization options. For more advanced gameplay, buy broken electronics and genuinely believe you can fix them.  

Video Games

Get good enough that it’s no longer fun to play against your friends, but not so good that you can play in competitions. 

Work Out

Push your body to its physical limits. Repeat this process several times a week for the rest of your life. We can’t guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself, but you can at least make others feel worse. 

Pyramid Scheme

Recruit as many of your friends as possible to get in on the ground floor of this thriving business. Your friendship will only be deepened by the experience. 

Get Bangs

Head to your local salon with tears in your eyes and they’ll know what to do. This is guaranteed to not advance your story line at all.  

Ride the Bus

If you wait at one of these secret locations a vehicle will come and take you anywhere you want to go along a pre-designated route. Unfortunately this fast travel option is not available in most U.S. cities.  

Get Really Into IPAs

It’s not just a beverage, it’s a lifestyle. After consuming your bodyweight in India Pale Ales, your hops-widened consciousness can experience every perception the universe has to offer. Your friends will think you’re a douche though. 

Avoid Going to the Doctor

 Living with your sickness instead of treating it can make for fun and challenging gameplay. More than one of every four U.S. adults were already playing this mode in 2023 according to the CDC. 

Garden

Experience the miracle of life without all downsides of consciousness. Put some of the tomatoes you grew onto a frozen pizza. Keep telling yourself that you really do like it. 

Art School

If you’re unsure of what you want to do in life but want several thousand dollars of debt anyway, art school is a great option. Just follow your heart and the money will come…usually from your parents. 

Pick Up Litter

Equip your trash bag, gloves, and grabber, and have fun! After you’ve collected 100 pieces of litter, you can rifle through your bag and look for any items with identifying information. Once you’ve determined whose litter you’ve collected you can return it into their living room!  

Kickstarter Combines Roleplaying, Deck-Building, and Vitriolic Arguing

BALTIMORE — A new tabletop game on the crowdfunding site Kickstarter has nearly reached full funding due to the promise of a unique combination of popular play styles for an experience designed to destroy friendships.

“I was sick of the same mechanics that could be picked up after a few rounds with minimal confusion. So I took the concepts of alignment charts, engine building, and victory points and made them interconnected, incorporating player deception, and added mystery elements,” said Jordan Boatman, ‘Realm of Elven Spire’ creator. “We did extensive playtesting at conventions, with multiple screaming matches, overturned tables, and thrown Celsius cans. At Strategicon, a tester broke another player’s nose with a Gloomhaven box, I knew I was on to something.”

Beta testers were taken in by the complexity and the esoteric presentation.

“I’ve been playing TTRPGs for decades, I don’t need hand holding like these dilettantes who saw ‘Stranger Things’ and are just jumping in now,” said funder Harold Sommer as he dug through a plastic bin of unpainted miniatures. “I invest my time and read the guides and I do not hesitate to call out shenanigans. With Elven Spire, enforcing the rules is the game and lying is the point. I can’t wait to bring it to Hobby Game Night at the library and show those newbies what gaming really is, laughing when they try and calculate the victory points using the reverse credit system.”  

“Realm of Elven Spire” received a dubious endorsement, as a pre-release edition sparked a rift between hosts of a gaming YouTube channel. 

“We take complicated game mechanics and break them down, but we just couldn’t agree on the most basic elements of the game. Even beyond the character traits which both needed to be memorized and hidden from other players, the play style seemed to be both co-op and competitive. The card actions were unclear, both in direction and font and type color. Ryan [Lukas, co-host] insisted that these were deliberate complications for the distinguished gamer and I felt they were just the sloppy play design of a grifter” said Siobhan Hannigan, former co-host of ‘Manual Dexterity.’  “We tried to consult the manual, but it was written in character by Yohai, the Dishonest Elf, which only raised more questions. We both said things we can’t take back and we are on indefinite hiatus.”

When reached for comment, Boatman evaded questions about mods and expansions, preferring to announce his next project, a social deduction game where players have to memorize all the characters and their individual skills and lie to each other in every conversation in perpetuity.

Judge Sentences Man to 200 Hours of “League Of Legends”

AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Ellen Beatriz sentenced a man to play 200 hours of “League of Legends” in what legal scholars are calling a violation of the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishments.

“My lawyer was shocked when they handed down the sentence,” said convicted shoplifter Tony Asmana. “I was sort of confused. I Googled it, and it’s apparently the most popular game in the world? What could be so bad about it? I checked out a couple of streams, and I immediately realized what I was in for. If the people who play this game all day are like this, what chance do I possibly have? And they’re good at the game too. My lawyer says I should appeal the case, that way I might get the sentence reduced to prison time or Fortnite.”

Judge Beatriz is known for their particularly creative punishments and drew upon their life experience for the sentencing.

“I used to play the game, and I can’t think of anything better to teach someone a lesson,” explained Judge Beatriz. “Mr. Asmana is going to be getting an education in what happens when you break the rules of polite society: you play League of Legends. I wish him the best of luck trying to clear his jungle camps while he gets spam pinged by his teammates and told to kill himself in ways that avoid the language autodetection. Sometimes you need to use the harshest measures available to you, and it was either this or a bare bottom caning.”

Representatives for Riot Games had mixed feelings about their game being used for civic punishment.

“I swear someone actually enjoys playing this game,” said Riot co-founder and modern monster Mark Merrill. “We get like ten million players a day, are they all just playing because they’re masochistically addicted to this game? Probably, yeah. We designed the game to be fun, but less fun every time. I got the idea after I became addicted to cigarettes: what if we made cigarettes a game that was somehow worse for you than actual cigarettes? Thus, LoL was born. It’s not great PR for us that it’s being used as a legal judgment, but at least this guy might buy some horny skins.”

At press time, Asmana was already being told he needed to neck himself in the pregame lobby of his first game.

Physical Nintendo Media Ranked by How Itsy Bitsy Cutie Patootie They Are

When it comes to physical video game media there are two main factions: Nintendo, who have redeveloped, reconfigured, and redesigned their games to function seamlessly with their unique consoles, and Sony and Microsoft, the unoriginal oligarchs who bend a knee to the almighty compact disc. With physical video games becoming relics of a bygone era, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and rank the incomparable Nintendo game hardware by how itsy bitsy cutie patootie they are. 

10. Wii

As revolutionary and record setting the Wii was, Nintendo really dropped the ball on giving the discs any sort of personality. What are groundbreaking motion controls if I have to put this boring old compact disc into the console? 0/10

9. NES

This guy is a chunkster! Look at those sharp edges! I wouldn’t want my toddler running around the living room with this thing on the coffee table. 

8. SNES

Another chunky boy straight out of Nintendo’s “Hard gray plastic” era. The aesthetic choices are reminiscent of Kit-Kats and Hersehey’s bars, Willy Wonka approved. 

7. N64

Oh baby, now we’re getting to the good stuff! Just look at that rounded top! And all those color variants! These things were so cute I had to control myself around friends and make sure I didn’t spend too much time blowing into it. 

6. Game Boy

This is like if the NES cartridge had a baby. It’s even got the same little ridges in it just like it’s Papa, how adorable! 

5. Game Boy Advance

Fun fact, the Game Boy Advance games hold the world record for things most sucked on by toddlers in the early 2000s. I swear to god, look it up in the Guiness Book of World Records. But can you really blame them? These games were just begging to be mistaken for candy so parents would have to by their kids the same games again and again, pretty genius marketing strategy if you ask me

4. GameCube

I cannot describe to you the raw, whimsical joy I felt the first time I opened the case for ‘Super Mario Sunshine.’ How can such a tiny disc hold such a big game? Why did Nintendo go small when the PS2 and original Xbox went big? I don’t know and I don’t care, I’ll take the charming little GameCube disc any day of the week!

3. Nintendo 3DS

It was a toss up at the 2 and 3 spot for this list, and unfortunately the 3DS cartridge fell behind by a nub. 

2. Nintendo DS

You’ve heard the phrase “got that dog in me,” well I have that Nintendog in me because, as a child, I swallowed the teeny tiny computer chip of a video game. The DS cartridge feels like an abuse of power. It is as if Nintendo has invented a shrink ray and only used it on floppy disks. 

1. Nintendo Switch

If Nintendo hadn’t made their intentions clear, it’s this; “Go small or go home.” Nintendo Switch cartridges have pushed the limits of video game hardware. Soon, Nintendo will produce games that have negative mass. A game made of antimatter guaranteed to be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life!