Review: Is Monster Hunter Wilds Better Than Call of Duty: Black Ops II?

Posted on by Nick Coffman

As an avid gamer who has played Call of Duty: Black Op II every day for the last 13 years, I’d like to think I have pretty good taste. I mean, once you’ve played the greatest game of all time, why bother trying anything else? It’s a sentiment my editor refuses to discuss with me. Instead, because he’s spiteful and has never known joy, he’s making me write reviews for the site and forcing free copies of lesser games onto me. It’s awful, but the job market is crap out there, so my hand is forced. Now I venture out looking for the impossible, a video game better than Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

Monster Hunter Wilds is the 27th entry in Capcom’s long running series. Hard to believe it took them 20 years and all those iterations just to get here. Compared to Activision only taking nine entries to get to perfection in the form of Call of Duty Black Ops II (if you want to get technical it only took Treyarch four games in six years). I’ve not played any previous Monster Hunters but if Wilds is any indicator, it’s safe to say you can skip the entire series.

Third-person action is an oxymoron. There’s no action in standing behind a character as they swing a big sword around like an idiot. Action happens in the first person. If I can’t watch the bullet leave my scoped SCAR-H and enter the dome of some scrub-ass poser with a K/D under 1.0 what’s the point? Monster Hunter Wild’s weapon spread is ridiculous in a bad way. All of these swords, hammers, and axes are impractical. My little guy shouldn’t be able to carry this hammer that’s double his size. It’s not possible, Capcom.

WIlds tries to appeal to hardcore gamers like myself by including guns in its arsenal of weapons. These guns do not look or sound like real guns at all. The Heavy Bowgun (awful name) looks like a Nerf gun I’d find at my little cousin’s house. Black Ops II is still the peak of guns in games. The guns are real in both past and future missions. In fact, just about everything you see throughout Black Ops II is real (sure, we don’t have Nano Gloves yet, but they’re coming).

Fictionalized weapons are the least of Wild’s problems. I’ve got bad news for everyone. Monsters aren’t real, especially these monsters. I looked up each of them on Wikipedia and can confirm that none of these monsters exist in our world. You know what is real? Zombies. I’ve seen one myself. My uncle took some bath salts and attacked my cousin and me back in 2014. Thankfully we had my cousin’s Nerf gun and were able to beat my zombified uncle to death with it. Games need to feel realistic. When you force me to fight monsters that I’ll never see in real life it just takes me out of the experience.

You can cook in Wilds, which seems like a waste of time. I don’t cook in real life, I’m not going to suddenly get an itch to cook some fictionalized steak. You hold the meat over a fire of course, because in this game you have magic, but no access to a microwave. Hold on, my hot pockets are done.

Okay, I’m back. You also eat to regain health, which is not how the human body works at all. We all know if you’re hurt, you just need to duck down somewhere and wait until you feel better. Oh, wait, I forgot my Mountain Dew in the other room.

Back again. You know, not including some kind of double XP partnership with Mountain Dew seems like a missed opportunity here.

Capcom also seems to be confused about how boats work. Let me speak to the dev team directly here. Hey guys. I’m sure you’re all super busy crunching on this game, but boats don’t go on sand. They go on water. Hopefully you can get that right in the sequel. Again, the game’s inability to pull me in, ties back to the lack of realism throughout the campaign. You can play through the game with friends, but I’d rather not drag my friends into this mess. I also don’t need them roasting me for playing this.

Monster Hunter Wilds never had a chance. Its fake guns, fake monsters, failed attempts to make me cook, lack of double XP, lack of realism, and increasing the chances of me getting made fun of for playing it keep it far, far away from ever dethroning Call of Duty: Black Ops II as the greatest of all time. Let’s give Capcom another 20 years to rethink this series.

Game Night: Bring Disaster to a Small Town in ‘Slender Threads’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Adventure games have always had a low-key sociopathy issue. The genre is built on petty theft, where you’re encouraged if not required to grab everything around you that isn’t nailed down, but they got steadily darker as time went on. If you do a deep dive on the genre, it isn’t long before you rack up some assault, vandalism, and occasional manslaughter, usually for the dumbest reasons.

For years, I’ve argued that the nadir (or possibly apex; it’s all about perspective) of adventure crimes was in 2003’s Runaway 2: Dream of the Turtle, where a major puzzle solution requires you to slather a guy in bear pheromones. The last time you see him, he’s being chased offscreen by an amorous grizzly. I’m not making this up. It’s a Shakespeare reference and a sex crime!

I haven’t seen a realistic contender for Runaway 2’s title until now, with Slender Threads, a short, creepy point-and-click adventure game where you play as the Mr. Bean of murder. Threads’ protagonist Harvey Green is a hapless everyman with good intentions, but he’s the unwitting villain of his own story.

To be fair, that does end up being the point. Slender Threads is essentially a reverse whodunit; you’ve already figured out who the killer is, but not your motives. Even then, Harvey leaves such a broad wake of disaster that I can’t help but see Threads as a pitch-black parody of adventure game logic.

Threads is set in the rural United States somewhere around the middle of the 20th century. Harvey is a frustrated writer and traveling bookseller who’s been sent on a business trip to the tiny town of Villa Ventana. As soon as he gets there, Harvey starts having a recurring nightmare where he sees his own severed head mounted as a hunting trophy.

One night, after one of those nightmares, Harvey goes on a walk through Villa Ventana. Through pure bad luck, he stumbles into the middle of a local conspiracy that involves several recent disappearances, a series of paranormal events that extends back to before the area was colonized, and before long, several gruesome deaths. Convinced that he’s next, Harvey sets out to learn more about the conspiracy, whatever it takes.

Threads is a deliberate throwback to the early ‘90s, particularly the various LucasArts games made in the SCUMM engine. As you explore Villa Ventana, you’re presented with a series of puzzles and obstacles, and have to use whatever you can find, learn, take, or steal to figure out solutions.

Like all old-school adventure games, that means the challenge of Threads is primarily a question of thinking outside the box. It has a knack for giving you small hints in an organic way, via conversation or context, as well as providing enough items and options at any given time that you can’t solve your current problem via simple process of elimination.

That’s what makes the stranger puzzles stand out, as they require you to suddenly rewire your brain. Maybe 75% of Threads is about clever solutions to unexpected problems, but that last 25% is about building a Rube Goldberg machine for no particular reason.

That’s still a leg up on quite a few adventure games, in my experience. On the grand scale of puzzle impenetrability, where an average survival horror game is a 1 (put the round medal in the round hole) and The Longest Journey is a 10 (that whole goddamn thing with the fedora and toy monkey), Threads is only about a 6. It’s usually a smooth experience, but has some speed bumps.

Part of that comes from Threads’ distinctive art style. It’s built to look like a paper-craft diorama, with 2D characters against a 3D backdrop, but occasionally breaks free of that for some more intensive animations. It feels closer to theater than many video games try to approach, which is to its overall benefit, and backs that up with a solid cast of voice actors.

In play, however, I found it difficult to pick out important objects from simple set dressing. One early puzzle had me stumped until I figured out that I was supposed to be interacting with a specific point on a particular statue, while another slowed me down until I went back through town to find the one item I’d missed in the corner of the local bookstore. Threads is at its best when it’s an adventure game, but has occasional deviations into hidden-object hell that drag down the whole.

I have a lot of affection for adventure games, as you might’ve guessed, so I’m working with some biases here. I do think the genre lost its overall way for quite a while, as it got bogged down by shovelware, Myst clones, or poor puzzle design.

Slender Threads is a decent throwback to the genre’s golden age. It dodges a few of the problems I’ve seen in recent similar revivals, but adds a few of its own, primarily in making it unnecessarily difficult to find key items or information.

Even so, there’s some real love for the genre on display here, including some of its traditional problems. I don’t know if Slender Threads was actually meant to be an entire game about ludonarrative dissonance, but either way, it’s worth being in on the joke. If you’re an adventure-game fan, you probably already bought this; if you aren’t, this could make for a fun couple of nights, but don’t expect it to always make sense.

[Slender Threads, published and developed by Blyts, is now available on Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a copy of the game purchased by Hard Drive.]

Top 10 Gaming Keyboards

Posted on by Matt Fresh

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How to Unlock Luigi Through Jury Nullification

Posted on by Ted Kindig

From his playable debut in Super Mario Bros. 2, through his surprise cameo in the original Super Smash Bros. all the the way out to the distant planetoids of Super Mario Galaxy, longtime Nintendo fans know that Luigi always seems to leap just a little bit further than everybody else — that’s why he’s such a fun character to unlock!

In his latest adventure, you encounter Luigi in an even spookier setup than one of his eponymously ectoplasmic mansions: this time, he’s on trial for a very serious legal crime — mama mia!

Lucky for dedicated Luigi fans, they can unlock him if two simple conditions are met: a defendant cannot be re-tried for the same charge once acquitted, and jurors have final say over their verdicts and can’t be punished for issuing an “incorrect” one — even if, hypothetically, they privately decided to free someone for moral, political, or philosophical reasons other than the reasons prescribed by law.

As longtime Nintendo fans like to say, “Now You’re Playing with POWER!”™

Preparation:

One thing to keep in mind: the “jury nullification” method for unlocking characters is controversial, with some arguing that it should be considered an illegal exploit or cheat — as always, be sure to consult the Nintendo Software End User License Agreement before making any moral decisions.

At the same time: a whole lot of human choices go into creating a virtual world, and it’s not like Luigi is in this game by accident. Intentional mechanic, unintentional glitch, or sneaky little Easter egg from Mr. Miyamoto himself, it’s ultimately the players’ choice whether Luigi gets unlocked, or whether he gets executed by the state.

Another thing to keep in mind: this guide is explicitly intended for whimsical, fictional Nintendo adventures, and bares no specific relation to any legal proceedings other than the colorful case of Wario v. The Second Mario Bro. in the kooky Court of King Koopa, with the dishonorable Judge Bowser Jr. presiding — our whole angle here is just that Nintendo likes lawsuits and legal stuff; anything else is purely coincidental.

Walkthrough:

While jury nullification is an ethically and philosophically complex topic, it’s extremely simple in practice:

Step 1: The player chooses “not guilty.”

And just like that, Luigi is unlocked! The rest of the game is up to you.

Throughout history, the jury nullification bug has been used by abolitionists to acquit people that assisted escaping slaves, by opponents of prohibition to effectively nullify alcohol and marijuana laws they disagreed with, and in countless other small victories for common moral intuition between neighbors over centuries. On the other hand, there’s good reason to be cautious of the tactic’s power: forms of jury nullification have also been abused as a tool of oppression, as in the notorious misconduct of all-white juries during the Jim Crow era, or in reflexive deference to law enforcement even in the case of extreme civil rights violations — the parallels to Nintendo Switch Online regrettably continue.

As wise old Grandpa Toad says in the Valley of Sleepy Toadstools, “the power of kings and magistrates is nothing else, but what is only derivative, transferred and committed to them in trust from the people, to the common good of them all, in whom the power yet remains fundamentally, and cannot be taken from them, without a violation of their natural birthright.”

Grandpa Toad is quoting John Milton there. Good luck, Nintendo fans, and power up!

We Spoil the Endings of 10 Games in This Article and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You’ve been getting pretty smug with our articles, haven’t you? Reading them at whim without a care in the world, complacent in the assumed knowledge that clicking on one can’t possibly backfire in any way. Well, that ends now. The days of worry-free scrolling through this site are officially over, pal. Time to pay the piper.

As such, here is a list of endings to 10 different games, and if you don’t like it, tough. There’s nothing you can do about it, so sit back and cross your little fingers that we don’t spoil one you haven’t played yet. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but then again, maybe you won’t. There’s only one way to find out.

Jet Grind Radio (2000. Dreamcast)

You might remember this cute and catchy little cel-shaded romp from the early 2000s, but did you know that the “Devil’s Contract,” the mysterious vinyl said to possess the ability to raise a demon, is actually just an old record with no supernatural capabilities? Did you also know that Goji, the demented CEO you face in the final battle, is just crazy and never actually posed a real Stygian threat to the people of Tokyo-to? Well, you do now! Could’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble with those sick inline-skating tricks and works of street art. Honestly, if we just spoiled it for you, good. We did you a favor. You’re welcome.

Inside (2016. Various Platforms)

This mysterious platformer ends with the anonymous child protagonist coming across, and conjoining himself to, the Huddle, which is a seething mass of groaning human bodies. After a destructive tear through a scientific facility which kills numerous people, the Huddle escapes the confines of its prior captivity and comes to rest on a grassy hillside. While the meaning of this ending is cryptic and open to interpretation, one thing is crystal clear: we’re going to keep on spoiling games in this article, and your chances of stopping us are at absolute zero. Shall we continue?

Beethoven: The Ultimate Canine Caper (1993. SNES)

The premise of this game is pretty cut and dry: Beethoven and Missy have four puppies that have gone missing, and your job as Beethoven is to find the puppies and bring them back to Missy. And guess what happens: all parties involved enjoy a happy ending as the four puppies are returned to their mother, with an accompanying screen reading “Hooray! You saved the puppies.” The self-pity you’re likely experiencing as the result of having this game spoiled contrasts sharply with the joy of these adorable St. Bernards, but here’s some breaking news: that’s life. We’re sick of coddling our readers. On to the next one.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006. Wii)

Let’s cut right to the chase here: Link kills Ganondorf with the Master Sword and Midna returns to her home in the Twilight World. How do you like that? God, the impotent rage coursing through your veins must be building with each new ending we spoil for you. While it’s true that we’re doing this as a way of putting our collective foot down, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t deriving some amount of sick pleasure from it. We’d increase the article to 20 games had we not already cleared this with our editors. Consider yourself fortunate.

NFL Fever 2003 (2002. Xbox)

If you’re expecting an endless stream of adulation coated in confetti and champagne after winning the Super Bowl, think again. Your season’s worth of exhausting effort will be met with an announcement of the game ball winner and a highlight reel brought to you by Pepsi. That’s it, bud. Thanks for competing. This may be a spoiled ending, but it’s the one you deserve. You’re not entitled to post-Super Bowl victory fanfare any more than you’re entitled to spoiler-free games journalism, and how dare you think otherwise.

Elden Ring (2022. Various Platforms)

Oh, what’s the matter, you didn’t want to know that the Tarnished claim the Elden Lord title and usher in one of several new ages depending on the alliance chosen by the player? Well, we didn’t want to know that our readers were a bunch of whiny crybabies, so it seems like nobody’s happy here. Guess we’ll just trudge along and keep spoiling these video games for you.

Super Mario Bros. 2 (1988. NES)

Mario defeats the evil frog Wart in the land of Subcon, then wakes up and isn’t sure whether the entire game had been a dream. He then goes back to sleep, which is what we’re sure you’d love to do right about now, but too bad. You’re in this one for the long haul, buttercup, and you’re not heading off to the Land of Nod until three more games have been spoiled for you, so buckle up and get yourself good and ready for the next one.

Duke Nukem 64 (1997. Nintendo 64)

Duke battles and defeats the Cycloid Emperor, which is the leader of the alien race that menaces the dystopian Los Angeles setting throughout the game, after which he retires to bed with a total babe, in true Duke Nukem fashion. We know his character is pretty problematic and oftentimes downright stupid, but there may be something worth emulating in his frank and unforgiving attitude. We were starting to feel sorry for you having all these endings spoiled, but that’s all changed now. Time for us to hunker down and put you through your paces for these last two.

Green Day: Rock Band (2010. Various Platforms)

Completing the career mode in this game is rewarded with a live video of Green Day wishing goodbye to their fans at one of their concerts before playing the song “She”. You know what? We started spoiling these games under the vague pretenses of this being some sort of haughty new stance we were taking, but to be completely honest, we’re doing it simply because we can. The ability to do something like this has completely gone to our heads, and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to start your own website. It’ll only be a matter of time before you do the same thing yourself. We all know absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Phantasy Star IV: The End of the Millennium (1993. Sega Genesis)

If you were worried whether Chaz and his friends would be able to enter the dimension of the Profound Darkness and destroy it before it can effectively destroy the entire galaxy, rest assured! They take care of the threat without issue! We bet you’re wishing you could do the same thing and eliminate a certain pesky source of video game news from your life, but you can’t. We’re here to stay, and who knows? Maybe we’ll make this a weekly column just to make you suffer. Looks like you’ll have to wait and see.

Conservative One Piece Fan Watches Show On Mute With Eyes Closed

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

GREENVILLE, S.C. — Sources close to the situation have revealed that local “One Piece” fan Max Nevins watches the popular anime with his eyes closed and with his computer speakers completely on mute in order to avoid seeing or having to think critically about the IP’s “liberal messaging.”

“I really love One Piece. Or at least, I think I do,” Nevins said in a statement to local press. “The character designs are great, the incredibly detailed and intricate world built by Eiichiro Oda is captivating, and the fights and Devil Fruit powers seem really cool from the small glimpses I’ve caught of them. I just have to watch it on mute with my eyes closed most of the time because it gets so preachy. ‘Oh, Celestial Dragons this, World Government that. Classism and racism are bad, wah wah wah’… you liberals are so whiny. Why can’t they scrap all of that Revolutionary Army stuff and just focus on the more important details, like animating Nami’s boobs to be bigger and bigger every arc?”

Nevins’ best friend Richie Murphy, a fellow anime fan and the one who got him into One Piece in the first place, offered his thoughts on the matter.

“As someone who’s currently caught up on the manga, it’s been fun to watch Max’s journey through the series, even if it has sort of been in bits and pieces.” Murphy commented. “I’d ask him how he liked Enies Lobby, for example, and he’d respond that seeing Luffy unlock Gear Second and Third were really cool moments, but he didn’t see Robin’s entire backstory. I guess he didn’t want to hear about a horrible genocide committed by the Marines and how fascist practices like the destruction of knowledge and information lead to an ignorant and easier-to-control general populace. Same thing happened with Fishman Island: he liked Zoro’s fight with Hody Jones underwater, but he muted all of the episodes about fishman-human relations and the endless cycles of violence that racism causes. Oh well, everyone enjoys anime differently, I guess.”

When approached for comment, Lily O’Connor, a local anime convention organizer, had the following to say.

“Oh yeah, I know Max. Bit of an odd guy. He keeps telling me he’s a big One Piece fan and that he’s almost done with Wano, but then when I try to talk to him about it, it’s like he’s just skipped over half the show? I think he completely missed the entire Reverie part because it was ‘too political’…but it’s not even filler! He also has no idea what I’m talking about when I say things like ‘I’m excited for Dragon to finally do something’ or ‘It’s really cool that Luffy is now the reincarnation of the sun god and will free the world from Imu’s tyranny.’ Not sure why he avoids all of that stuff…and I don’t even wanna know how he’s gonna react to the Egghead Arc.”

At press time, Max was spotted forcefully removing his headphones and throwing a blanket over his head at the mere mention of the Celestial Dragons owning slaves.

Top 9 Things You Can Do to Improve Your Cybersecurity, Tom

Posted on by Jim Tatalias

A lot of people are worried about their cybersecurity these days and with good reason. With almost all of our lives online and in digital databases these days, it’s super important to make sure your data is safe. You’re already on the first step of a safe and secure digital footprint Tom Jeffries of Des Moines, Iowa. Based on your search history for the last couple days, you’re looking to beef up your digital security and make sure it’s secure. Don’t worry, I have you covered. Just follow these 9 steps and no one will ever be able to steal your data.

1. Buy an Expensive Antivirus Program

Tom, everyone wants to know the same thing: which antivirus program is the right one for me? Well, how expensive is it? Most antivirus software programs charge a certain amount per virus blocked. Hence, the more money you pay, the more viruses it will weed out. That’s common sense. And the comparative cost is tiny compared to all you stand to lose of your $86,522 salary.

2. Reuse the Same Password for All of Your Accounts

Using only one password is best because it allows you to hard-code all the security to a single, controlled source. And a short password is best. Why? Well, the longer the password is, the more pieces of it someone will be likely to guess.

How does one get ideas for a password? Why is this all so difficult? What are the first five digits of my social security number again? These are questions we all ponder and answer in emails to ourselves from time to time. Next tip.

3. Giving Remote Access to Your Desktop Is a Polite Thing to Do

Imagine treating your first pet (Sprinkles) like a stranger. That’s what it will feel like if someone you are speaking to requests remote access to your desktop and you decline. Maybe that is considered commonplace in Europe, but not here.

If you have concerns, stop holding yourself back. Just like you may have had success with exercise by joining your local Planet Fitness and making regular $16.49 payments for three months, here, too, your efforts will pay off.

4. Let’s Not Get the Law Involved

I don’t want to get political here, but the government is rounding people up and throwing them in jail for being immigrants or gay or numerous other sales demographics. Don’t go down that road, for the sake of your friends and neighbors (like Steph and Mel, the Ibanez family, etc., I hope you’re getting the picture). As Democrats, we know we should be on the right side of history. Don’t go to the police.

5. Fwd: (no subject)

6. Don’t Buy an Antivirus Program Unless Contacted First

If you sought out an antivirus program, chances are it might not be compatible with your system. As a TEACHER, SECONDARY, PUBLIC/PRIVATE [personalize later], you don’t know about computers. The antivirus specialists that come looking for you have found a perfect antivirus match for your computer. You should allow them to proceed.

7. Password Managers Are Not Worth the Hype

Why would you need to get someone else to “manage” one short password? It makes absolutely no sense. That would be like someone trying to “manage” the lien title on your used 2018 Toyota Highlander.

Sometimes, you just gotta drive the damn car.

8. Oh Click Here Real Quick

9. Don’t Fall for Two-Factor Authentication

Large corporations will try anything to get your phone number out of you. Do you want to get 3-way calls in the middle of the night from Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg? That’s what you’re signing up for.

How many factors will be enough for them? It’d make me want to save up all my factors just for myself: take photographs of my driver’s license, birth certificate, retina, and blood, and email them to myself. So Tom Jeffries would be the one in control of them, and let’s see what they say then.

DEI Hires Removed From Chessboard

Posted on by Nick Coffman

ST. LOUIS — Donald Trump, with permission from President Elon Musk, has enacted his latest executive order, essentially removing all DEI hires from every chessboard in America. The US Chess Federation is currently adhering to the order, but plans to fight it in courts in the coming weeks. We took to chessboards across the country to see how chess pieces were feeling about Musk’s latest order.

“I think it’s about time we leveled the playing field,” said a white knight who happened to be a blood relative to the King. “The other side was just hiring black knights to fill a space. Those guys aren’t nearly as qualified as me when it comes to moving in L-shapes.”

The front row whites also showed excitement for the changes coming to the game. Every pawn we spoke to mentioned the ‘high hopes’ they had for their future on the board.

“This is a win for the little guy,” one white pawn said. “The chances of me making it to the other side and getting a promotion have gone way way way up. Maybe one day I can make it into the back row myself.”

Not all pieces are too happy about the new order. White Queen felt blindsided about the changes to the game.

“What the fuck, I’m considered DEI? I thought it was just the black pieces,” the white queen said. “This is bullshit. Who was moving around the board making all the moves? Me. Who was saving the sorry King from all the checks and from getting checkmated? Me. I worked my ass off for that side of the board and this is how I get thanked? Getting tossed aside in favor of some stupid moron who can only move one space at a time. Fuck you and fuck this game.”

At press time Trump had asked permission from President Musk to sign a new executive order, allowing the King to move wherever he wanted. Musk replied he would look into it.

“I Was Born In The Wrong Century,” Says Gamer Playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 Who Would Have Died by Age 10 in Medieval Period

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Frank Liberelli is convinced his life would have been better in the early 15th century after playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, despite the fact he would have certainly perished before his tenth birthday, sources confirm. 

“Frank got some new game on Steam and he won’t shut up about how great it must have been to live like a Bohemian in the Middle Ages,” says roommate Jeremy Hernandez. 

“Dude’s got asthma and without his glasses he’s legally not allowed to drive. Does he really think he could fight off a thief while wearing 100 pounds of armor on horseback? Hell no.  And that’s assuming he didn’t die of the Black Plague as a toddler, which he totally would have–I’ve never seen this guy wash his hands in the three years we’ve lived together.”

Still, Liberelli continues to pine for a medieval life. 

“This game makes it clear I was meant to live in the era of potions and alchemy, not this wretched timeline run by Big Pharma and for-profit hospital conglomerates,” said Liberelli, who takes three medications each morning. “I yearn for heroic quests like Henry of Skalitz–my adventurous spirit alone would have kept me alive well into my sixties, methinks.”

Carla Liberelli, Frank’s mom, says there’s no use in trying to convince him otherwise. 

“To be honest, my Franky has always been drawn to the fantastical. He used to think he would become a secret agent or Navy SEAL sniper when he grew up. But he’s deathly allergic to 27 different things, including grass.  I told him the odds of getting selected for any job where he’d have to even touch grass at all were slim to none, but he never gave up hope. 

At press time, Liberelli was busy daydreaming about hunting wild boar while eating an ultra-processed meal containing zero ingredients that were available in the 1400s. 

You Tell Me What’s So Unethical About Using the Death Note To Make Sure I Win the Logan County Potato Salad Cook-Off

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, so let me make one thing clear: I know I make the best potato salad in all of Illinois. It’s a recipe that took me years to perfect, and while I won’t divulge all the secret ingredients, I will say that the dollop of pickle relish is just one of many little touches that puts it over the top. In a perfect world, my product would be judged exclusively on its merits without my having to resort to extreme measures, but sadly, here we are. So you tell me what’s so unethical about using the Death Note to make sure I win the Logan County Potato Salad Cook-Off this year.

And I don’t want to hear all that bullshit about competing fairly, either. Need I remind you that I’ve now been doing that for three years, and I’ve never even been so much as the runner-up? Even Vera Hofstedt came in second last year, and I swear to Christ she’s just buying the pre-made stuff at Harvest Market and adding paprika and tarragon to it. I’d stake my life on that. Also, don’t think I haven’t noticed that Beth Skronski’s brother-in-law Nathan is one of the judges. Where’s the shocked look and condescending lecture for Beth?

Also, that Death Note landed on my property, and you yourself told me that shinigami don’t take a vested interest in the actions of their humans. I don’t care that this is an “appallingly stupid and offensive use of the notebook that you just couldn’t ignore.” I can do with it what I wish. It just so happens that wish is to murder 9 innocent members of my community to ensure I take home this year’s novelty crown and Cracker Barrel gift certificate.

And I use the word “innocent” VERY liberally here. What kind of sick, twisted fuck buys grocery store potato salad and tries to pass it off as their own in a competition? I labor for hours to make sure my potato salad is perfect, from painstakingly choosing the ideal bag of Yukon gold potatoes to measuring out the perfect amount of celery seed to the milligram. I’ve deserved top honors in this competition since the day I deigned to grace that piteous sign-up sheet with my signature, and I will have my day, even if it kills me.

Er, I mean, even if it kills 9 of my friends and acquaintances.

I think we’re done here. You’ve made a few decent counterarguments to the idea of me hastily scribbling the other competitors’ names down, with the most convincing of which being how suspicious it’ll look when they all die of heart attacks in rapid succession moments before the competition begins, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I’ve got that crown in my sights and nobody, be they human or tenebrous Shinto deity, will stand in my way.

Now, where did I put my pen?