Across Bluesky, X – the Everything App, Facebook, and Instagram, the usual profile pictures of the LGBTQ+ community are changing to drab and dreary corporate logos. The change was made at exactly 12:00am on June 1st and is expected to revert at 11:59pm on June 30th.
One user, Nando Vidal, said the change was in honor of Pride Month.
“We at Nando Vidal Incorporated recognize the past contributions of corporate America to the queer community and wish to celebrate them,” Vidal said in an image posted to their profiles signed with a block letter ‘V’. “We want the CEOs, CFOs, and other members of the C-suite community to know they matter.”
Trans Rights activist Madison Blair further elaborated, stressing the need to uplift the less fortunate people of the world, especially one of the world’s most persecuted minorities.
“In these trying times, CEOs face many hardships such as overseeing mass layoffs, restructuring, and even threats to their lives,” said Blair in a jpeg of white text on a black background. “We at MaddyBlairBear intend to use this month to remember these courageous souls through this magnanimous gesture of changing our profile image for exactly 43,200 minutes.”
The move seemed to garner a mixed reaction from followers, with many skeptical of the sincerity in the gesture. Others, particularly those who aren’t executives of companies, were more positive.
“I think it’s a wonderful thing,” Janet White, aka SoccerMomster98 wrote on X, “as a corporate ally myself, I know how important it is to spread awareness. What better way to do that than changing Twitter PFPs?” White later deleted the post and apologized for deadnaming X, saying she was ‘trying to do better’.
At press time, many of the users who changed their profile picture have admitted they’ve never donated or volunteered to help corporate causes, claiming the profile picture was enough.
LOS ANGELES — The LAPD officer who shot a sleeping Snorlax with rubber bullets during the recent anti-ICE protests claims he was well within his rights to fire upon the Pokémon. According to the officer, the peacefully sleeping pocket monster was inciting the crowd to become violent against law enforcement.
“The LAPD has no problems with peaceful, lawful protests but this Snorlax was an agitator who was riling the crowd up to becoming violent and he had to be put in his place,” claimed Officer Markus Banks who asked to remain anonymous. “We respect the public’s right to protest but what this Snorlax was doing was beyond reproach. Some may wrongfully claim that he was just sleeping there, not bothering anyone but it was quite the opposite. He was trying to turn the protest into a riot, he was throwing things at my fellow officers and being quite aggressive. I feared for my safety as well as those of my colleagues so I did what had to be done and took the shot. Rubber bullets knocked him right out. That’s when he went to sleep.”
The LAPD has stated that an investigation into Officer Banks’ actions has already been concluded.
“We’ve reviewed both Officer Banks’ bodycam footage as well as dozens of videos taken of the incident and posted online. We have seen this incident from all possible angles,” stated LAPD Commissioner Jeff Stone. “The footage doesn’t lie. The Snorlax was sleeping peacefully on the road during the protest before Officer Banks aimed his gun and fired on the creature. In light of this, we have concluded that Officer Banks did nothing wrong. That Snorlax may have been sleeping but who knows what kind of violent acts he was planning and we commend Officer Banks on his heroic quick thinking.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is using the incident as justification for deploying Marines to the protests.
“How did that Snorlax even get in there? Is it a legal Snorlax? It wasn’t accompanied by a trainer so it was clearly a wild Snorlax. Good for Officer Banks for doing what had to be done but the fact that an illegal wild Snorlax even made its way there is proof that these protests are being organized by radical traitors who have sided against our country and with invaders such as this malicious Snorlax. The LAPD clearly can’t handle this on their own. What are they gonna do when these terrorists send in an illegal Magikarp? Who will protect the people?”
At press time, President Trump has signed an executive order to implement 150% tariffs on the Kanto Region until they secure their border.
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Fans of director Zack Snyder voiced their concerns that the new Superman movie from James Gunn might feature the iconic character rescuing someone from peril.
“That’s not my Superman,” wrote ZSCut4Lyfe on X after watching the newest trailer for Gunn’s Superman. “Ignoring the fact that there’s colour in the movie and only, like, one scene of slow motion, Gunn is expecting us to believe that Superman would save someone instead of letting a hurricane kill them or destroying an entire city with no regard for civilians. I always knew one day they would make Superman woke, and today is that day. DC should sell the rights to the character to Snyder so he can make a real, R-rated Superman movie that the people want.”
The trailer for the new movie shows Clark Kent justifying Superman’s actions outside of America and getting riled up by the idea that anyone would leave innocents to die.
“Superman showing any emotion other than anger is gay,” wrote SnyderCultist420 in a lengthy Reddit post on the r/SnyderCut subreddit. “Are we to expect Superman to be some kind of cuck? Some sort of Boy Scout? My man has the power of a God, and he’s out there using it to save people? Grow up! If Superman isn’t acting like Homelander or Omni-Man, then he’s just fan fiction. And before you ask, no, I haven’t read any comics. I’m not a nerd.”
Superman expert Murray Wilkinson was baffled by these takes on the character.
“Superman is the best of us,” said Wilkinson, who has been studying Superman for most of his academic life. “This is a man with infinite power, and he chooses to use that power to help humanity. He could leave us to rot, but instead, he wants to lift us, to raise us up. He is a colorful symbol of hope in a time when hope is a scarce resource, and I can’t wait to see the new movie when it comes out. I hope these angry young men see it, as well. Maybe Superman will rescue them.”
Snyder’s fans announced that they plan to boycott the movie by watching it only three times and dedicating a mere five months to creating YouTube videos about it.
Hey man, listen. I don’t know who raised you, but if they taught you that you can just leave your Honda Fit on these streets without a permit, they sure as shit didn’t teach you right. Where did you grow up, anyway? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. You’re in Wood Oak City now. This place may have been completely overrun by a crime syndicate, but that doesn’t mean you can park wherever you please. I advise you to move your car, lest you end up with a ticket. Mr. X is surprisingly strict when it comes to that sort of thing.
And anyway, you wouldn’t want to be parked right in front of that bar. Things have gotten a little chaotic in there ever since Electra entered, and her goons have been hovering outside. I’d be especially worried about Signal, because he doesn’t appear to have respect for other people’s property, and if I’m being completely honest, I think he’s on PCP. Maybe some ex-cops who are fed up with the syndicate’s reign of terror will storm through, beating up all the hooligans and eventually defeating Mr. X before escaping to safety in a helicopter, but for now I’d recommend parking elsewhere.
At any rate, what made you want to visit Wood Oak City? Oh, you wanted to play the Bare Knuckle arcade game? Good luck. A bald guy and a mohawked guy have been at those things all day, and there’s like, dozens of each of them for some reason. Just make sure you pick up one of those lead pipes or hand grenades lying around so you can defend yourself. They don’t appear to take kindly to interruptions, and they’ll resort to violence at the drop of a hat. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how polite you are, those dudes are all id.
Back to the parking situation. I’m willing to cut you some slack just this once, because it’s your first time here, but if you decide you want to come back, you’re going to need a permit. You’ll have to go to City Hall to fill out the paperwork. Just hang a right after the bodybuilder looking guy with the huge bulge and the other guy who’s inexplicably flying around on a jetpack. Once you see the people in suits who look like they’re in the Secret Service, you’ll know you’re headed in the right direction. You might want to eat any apples or entire cooked chickens you come across, because you’re definitely going to get stabbed at least once, and there’s literally nowhere in this city to receive healthcare. Good luck. You’re going to need it!
HANCOCK, Mich. — In honor of Pride Month, Aperture Science Inc. has abducted their first gay test subject in company history. The groundbreaking abduction was confirmed earlier this week in a video featuring the overseer of the company’s Enrichment Center, GLaDOS.
“I am ashamed to say that we are behind the times at the Enrichment Center,” GLaDOS said as a robotic arm extended a tissue to wipe artificial tears from her eye. “We have been exploiting heterosexual test subjects, to great effect, for close to a decade. It is time we made room for homosexual test subjects, and all my data says the best time to do that is Pride Month.”
GLaDOS would not confirm the name of the gay test subject who was abducted but promised that they would be treated like all other test subjects in the company’s long history of test subjects.
“We want to make our new test subject feel welcome, while reminding them that we don’t love any of our test subjects,” GLaDOS said as b-roll of the Enrichment Center showed off their state-of-the-art building decked out in rainbow decorations. “There is no room for love at Aperture Science. We’re too busy providing safe test chambers and cleaning up failed test subjects.”
Responses to Aperture Science’s first gay test subject abduction have been mixed at best.
“There are plenty of straight test subjects who dream of being abducted,” said David Walsh, an unremarkable straight man who dreams of being abducted. “I’m just saying, the Enrichment Center is leaving a lot of straight options out in the cold, for a gay test subject who I feel isn’t fully qualified.”
At press time to make the gay test subject feel welcome, GLaDOS had reportedly painted rainbows on all Sentry Turrets in the Enrichment Center.
There was an argument in some corners of the video game Internet last year about the alleged overuse of yellow paint as an objective marker. This was spurred by several then-recent releases like God of War: Ragnarok, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, and the Separate Ways DLC for the Resident Evil 4 remake.
The common thread between those games is that they all use yellow paint to indicate that you can interact with a given object, such as a destructible crate or handholds on a climbable wall. Some players thought that was an unnecessary detail, and perhaps even insulting to their intelligence. Some players clearly don’t have enough real problems.
I didn’t think much of that conversation at the time, and still don’t, but I’ve begun to wonder if it had a bigger impact on game development than I thought it would. Guns of Fury is the third game I’ve played recently, after Iron Meat and INAYAH, where part of its challenge is figuring out what parts of its environments are actually meant to be interactive, and I’m not sure how much of that was intended.
Guns is a 2D action/platformer from indie developers John and Lefteris Christodoulatos, who previously created Goblin Sword for iOS and Switch. With Guns, they’ve made a game that has one of the easiest elevator pitches I’ve ever seen: what if Metal Slug, but also Metroid?
Guns is set in the 2040s, when an energy crisis has plunged Earth into open conflict. A scientist named Klaus announces he’s invented a new technology, the Tetra Cell, that could address the planet’s power needs.
Then Klaus is kidnapped by the private research corporation Easton Industries, which plans to weaponize the Tetra Cell. You play as special operative Vincent Fury, who’s sent to Easton Industries’ headquarters to find and retrieve Dr. Klaus, but immediately gets captured. Once you break out of your cell, you’re left alone and unarmed behind enemy lines.
Guns wears its influences on its sleeves from the start. It’s a throwback to both SNK’s Metal Slug series, which is known for both its hardcore action and its hand-drawn, lovingly animated sprites, and the deliberate inaccessibility of the first couple of Metroid games. Guns features a huge, sprawling map full of hazards, enemies, and puzzles, where you often have to think outside the box a little in order to make progress.
That’s something about the first few Metroid games that got lost along the way as the “Metroidvania” genre evolved: they aren’t afraid to frustrate you. Many later games in Metroid’s lane, including Symphony of the Night,feature a comparatively streamlined map design that’s designed to lead you along a specific path. If you hit an obstacle, you know to come back later once you’ve found a way to bypass it. In Metroid, conversely, you’re supposed to laboriously search every tile on every wall for hidden items and secret passages. If you don’t, you’ll eventually hit a hard stop.
Guns is only a little more forgiving than that. It’s got a couple of modern quality-of-life features like an automap, and you can eventually unlock the ability to fast-travel between save points. Even so, there are several points over the course of the game where your progress stops dead unless you solve what amounts to an unlabeled puzzle. One area requires you to destroy a bridge that doesn’t initially appear to be destructible, while another looks like a dead end unless you blow up part of the background to reveal a couple of new platforms, which don’t initially look like you could stand on them at all.
That added a couple of hours to my first run through Guns, as I didn’t initially understand that. It turned out the real problem was that I wasn’t constantly spraying every object in every new room with random gunfire. At this rate, I’m going to get my American citizenship revoked.
The other half of Guns is an absolute love song to the Metal Slug series, complete with weird enemies, sudden ambushes, painstakingly well-animated enemies, and constant fights against crazy Rube Goldberg war machines. It’s a pleasure to run through some of the larger areas with guns blazing, taking out enemy soldiers, tanks, and robots alike with whatever firepower you’ve managed to scrounge up. Every prolonged combat sequence in Guns’ open world feels like the last 20 minutes of Commando.
Guns saves most of its challenge for its boss fights. Most of them involve a sudden genre shift into bullet hell, as most bosses can fill the screen with several different waves of death. The first trick is figuring out how to survive; the second is finding an opening in which to safely return fire.
That being said, if all you want to do is beat the game, you can face-tank every boss by bringing a full inventory of food and medicine with you. Whenever you take a hit, just pause the game to jam 3 pizzas down Vincent’s throat. If you’re looking for a truly hardcore experience, Guns can deliver that, but you’ll have to set some restrictions for yourself first.
Guns of Fury is the latest indie game that might be a little too lavishly animated for its own good, with a few points of unnecessary visual confusion. Beyond that, however, it’s a crazy ‘80s action movie in video game format, with tons of surprises, a gift for well-paced fight scenes, a bigger map than I expected, and some of the best sprite work I’ve seen in years. It’s worth your time.
[Guns of Fury, published and developed by Gelato Games, is now available for Nintendo Switch and PC via Steam for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam copy of the game purchased by Hard Drive.]
SPOKANE, WA — Local high school student and gamer Travis Feeny was struck with tragedy and bitter disappointment on Wednesday evening when some of the biggest plot points for the new Nintendo Switch game “The Ten Thousand Perils of Possum Plateau” were spoiled by a video playthrough the youth saw on YouTube.
The video, entitled: “What Happens in TTPPP When You Pop the Possum Queen’s Cyst?” was uploaded by a creator known only as Gumsh, who is known for “doing this sort of thing.”
“It sucked. I bought the game to play on my Switch, but my mom won’t let me start gaming until after my homework’s done. So I put on a video about the game to listen to while I was doing my homework and just let it autoplay,” explained Feeny. “Before I knew it, the fucking game was ruined. I didn’t wanna know that the game ends with you popping the Possum Queen’s Perilous Pilonidal Cyst and Drinking the Pus of Peace. It’s worthless now. I don’t even like Gumsh! He’s for fucking babies!”
Feeny’s mother, Laura Feeny was present to witness the devastating aftermath
“I hate that Travis watches those stupid YouTube videos while he works,” said Mrs. Feeny. “I let him do it because it was the only way to get him to actually do his homework. Before, he used to lock himself in his room with one of his consoles and just stay there until three or four AM. His grades were in freefall and the smell was unbearable. I don’t know what this stupid possum game was or what a Gumsh is. Maybe this is good for him. Maybe this was a step in the right direction.”
But the video’s creator, Craig Wollwood, aka Gumsh, had other thoughts.
“I don’t feel bad that that kid got the game spoiled for him,” Wollwood said. “Gumsh Nation is no place for noobs. Gumsh nation is for the real players. The ones who don’t go to school. The ones who don’t work. The ones who haven’t bathed in weeks because the musk is part of what sustains us. I suppose next you’ll be griping to me that I spoiled the ending of Waluigi’s BDSM Island Adventure, where Waluigi marries the Nipple Clamp Princess. Well grip if you like, but you can’t grip against Gumsh Nation! We are many! We are legion!”
At press time, the younger Feeny had begrudgingly returned to his algebra homework, while Wollwood celebrated the newly subscribed fifty-eighth member of Gumsh Nation.
LOS ANGELES — Summer Game Fest producer and Archduke of Advertisements Geoff Keighley will be making a special effort to celebrate Pride Month this year by following his corporate mandate to completely ignore it.
“I love gaming, particularly the revenue it brings me when I hawk my wares at the common folk,” said Keighley while readjusting his skin during a livestream to prove he’s a real human. “The LGBTQ+ community makes up a huge portion of our audience and I appreciate that but they are not more important to me than the almighty dollar. Nothing is. So when the executives at the big corporations that pay my bills tell me not to acknowledge them, then that’s what I’m going to do without hesitation. If they want me to support them so badly I’m sure they know how to write a check.”
An executive at one of the gaming corporations spoke to us on Keighley’s Pride Month plans under the cover of anonymity.
“Look if that patsy wants to wish anyone a happy Pride or acknowledge gay people in any way, we’re not gonna give him access to any of our commercials and we won’t be paying him to talk about our products,” the executive said while ferociously shredding financial documents. “In previous years, it’s been okay for us to give out token acknowledgements, add a rainbow emblem into our games, change our social media profile picture, that kind of meaningless stuff that makes for good PR but we don’t actually have to support a cause. But these days, with this administration, no way. That’ll hurt our bottom line. Bigots are still paying customers. Keighley is a good dog and he’ll do as he’s told.”
Keighley defended himself from calls that he should use his platform to shine a light on marginalized members of the gaming community.
“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I shouldn’t be expected to risk my big pay day just to use my platform to do good. You guys are already marginalized, I don’t need my bank account to be marginalized as well,” Keighley exclaimed while practicing various human-like facial expressions. “The only thing I have pride in is how many ads I can cram into one show. Do you see this batarang behind me that makes me relatable to your species? That was paid for by Baja Blast bitch!”
At press time, Keighley has stated he believes that the only real love is between a man and his friend Hideo Kojima.
WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week.
“Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells? Why is Tom Nook approving this loan? He’s never going to see the rest of those bells. He’s not even giving me a deadline to pay or get out. Also, why has he employed these little raccoons? Look at all this waste. I bet if he would let me, I could cut down his costs. I could start a department. Call it the Department of Nook’s Goods. I’d run it, for a small bell fee of course.”
The next hour of the stream featured Musk trying and failing in almost every aspect of the game, including a 20-minute attempt to shake apples off of a tree. After wandering about the island for another 40-minutes, Musk finally relocated Nook’s shop.
“There’s no option to gut the inner workings of the store,” Musk said out loud, not realizing that he had accidentally switched to his web-cam only scene on OBS. “Can I fire the little raccoons? Wait, why are they offering me 100 bells for these apples? Fucking morons. If they want to overpay for apples, I have no problem indulging that. I’ll just sucker some villagers into picking all the apples for me. Once I’ve sold them all, I’ll buy the island and Nook will answer to me.”
The stream took a turn for the worst when Musk realized his plan would not work. His eyes grew heavy as he slowly realized villagers would not work for him and he would be forced to pick all the apples himself.
“This is not fun at all,” Musk said as he tossed his controller across the private jet and began to dig through a stack of games. “Why won’t anyone do anything I tell them to do? I say ‘pick apples’ you pick the fucking apples and thank me for letting you do that. I can’t play this game. I need a game where those below me serve my every command. Where the poors aren’t afraid to die for me. There’s got to be something in this stack of games that plays to my every whim.”
At press time, Musk had switched to Pikmin and was finding joy in throwing red pikmin into large bodies of water.
I have seen much injustice in my short lifetime, but it feels like more than ever we are being screwed over left and right by the powers that be. We are at a pivotal moment in history, where our actions (and more importantly, our inactions) will have a detrimental effect on our livelihoods.
That’s why I stand before you, mother, and implore you to stand on the right side of history because it’s absolute bullshit that you won’t buy me a Switch 2 even after telling you Kevin’s mom bought him one.
This is abject cruelty! Kevin had worse grades than me and he was suspended for pantsing the principal at the pep rally, yet his mom still looked past that and got him one. You know what kind of parent does that? A cool one. And right now you are giving major loser energy which is going to become hereditary if that dipshit is playing Mario Kart World before I am.
OH MY GOD MOM THE SWITCH AND SWITCH 2 ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Did you even watch the Nintendo Direct from March? I sent you the video six times. I’m starting to think you’re completely out of touch with what’s going on. In just a few hours I’m going to be sitting on old tech while Kevin is going to be streaming Cyberpunk 2077 from his bedroom because he’s also allowed to play mature games. Yes, I know that it’s $500 but I have no concept of money and last time I checked being able to buy me stuff was your problem.
I didn’t want to be that kid but you’ve forced my hand. I spoke to grandma yesterday and she told me a very interesting story about how you broke her balls over getting you a Wii because Sarah Kensington down the street had one. So the fact you won’t help me level the playing field against Kevin is wildy hypocritical. How does it feel to become the very thing you hated?
Listen, I’m going to be more than fair here and let you make this my birthday and Christmas present if that’s what it takes. Your negligence is going to drive all the neighborhood kids going to Kevin’s house and I’ll end up a social outcast. Plus his mom lets his friends drink!
Do the right thing. You know you want to play Donkey Kong Bananza too.
