PLANO, Texas — Gamer Clarence Scott, 38, was shocked at how easily he was able to steal a copy of Mario Kart World from his local Target, despite the game’s premium price tag.
“It was in that locked glass case like all the other games,” said Scott, recounting the events as he excitedly paced around his living room. “But after I asked the kid who worked there to get it out for me, I said I was looking for a few more things. I thought he’d say he needed to hold it at the counter or something, but he just shrugged and walked away. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I must be some kind of master manipulator. Like, I must be subconsciously using that neuro-linguistic programming stuff I read about. It’s the only logical explanation. I need to capitalize on this.”
Richard Allen, 23, the clerk who retrieved the game from the locked display case, said that he knew exactly what Scott was doing.
“Oh, dude was totally lifting it,” said Allen, still standing behind the electronics counter at Target. “Doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t see any extra money for selling a game, no matter how much it costs. Guy wants to play Mario Kart, I don’t see why I should stop him from doing it. Hell, they even tell us not to pursue shoplifters in training. They do tell us to report it, but they got cameras for that. I’m not trying to take away work from a struggling security camera.”
Video game developer Victor Bottin, 33, condemned Scott’s actions.
“Triple-A video games are more expensive to make than ever,” said Bottin, who currently works at Electronic Arts and has previously been employed by Activision Blizzard and Riot Games. “More expensive than any media in history, and not by a little. Prices should have gone up a long time ago. Frankly, this is one of the cheapest hobbies out there, and gamers still complain about how much money they have to pay for countless hours of entertainment. People who steal games are literally taking money out of my pocket. They’re really hurting working developers, not just a faceless corporation. I mean, my team just shipped a game, and—hang on, I just got an email. Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. I just got laid off again.”
At press time, Scott was reportedly inconsolable after a planned heist of GameStop went sideways when his entire score consisted of empty cases.
SUNSET WILDS — Tensions are high after local authorities arrested a Shy-Guy demonstrator for wearing a mask at one of the hundreds of “No Koopa Kings” protests held throughout the Mushroom Kingdom on Saturday, sources confirm.
“You know, it’s pretty sad when your constituents don’t trust you enough to show you who they really are,” said SWPD Police Chief Pete Anta before pepper spraying a nearby protester and launching tear gas into the crowd. “When I put on this uniform and obscure my name and badge number from the public view, I do it in the hopes that the people of this great kingdom understand our need to deport hard-working immigrants as well as mouthy citizens if they believe in something I disagree with. And it’s not like I take any enjoyment out of tearing families apart—far from it. I’m just doing what I know will benefit the greater good; i.e., my career. Once I send enough innocents to the maximum-security prison on Isle Delfino, the Koopa Commando will have to consider me for a promotion to Mini Boss and not just some lackey that will be tossed aside once I’m through furthering his interests.”
A fellow anonymous protester expressed frustration for having to endure law enforcement presence at the rally which is being held on the same day as King Bowser’s notorious 45 million gold coin military parade.
“These fucking chucksters aren’t even trying to hide it anymore,” said the nameless Toad, tossing a banana peel into the path of police vehicles illegally hauling people away. “ The pigs are only here to protect the wealth of the ruling class, and they have no qualms with trampling on our constitutional rights to serve those needs. They can try to remove our masks to keep us in the shadows, but there’s no way our voices won’t be heard. And did you know that 40% of these bastards admit to throwing their wives through windows? Insane.”
King Bowser was asked his thoughts on the unlawful arrest and the “No Koopa Kings” protests.
“Ah yes, Sunset Wilds. A shame what happened to it when the illegal Cry-Guys invaded. Real shame,” said Bowser waving to imaginary crowds from the captain’s seat of his airship. “Would you look at them? Wow. There must be a trillion fans down there, maybe more. These are numbers unheard of, folks, believe me. We have this big, beautiful parade, and what do they have? Nothing. Nothing but a low-IQ gathering of nobodies in the land of don’t-know-don’t-care. Backed by the…GREAT… Cackling Cackletta—can you believe it? Cackling Cackletta…Wow.”
At press time, an officer at the Donut Plains protest was seen kneeling on the back of a black Yoshi who had stuck his tongue out at them just seconds before.
LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm.
“Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now. I’m gonna headshot that guy on the corner who’s not wearing any head protection. Boom! Nailed him! And he was only, like, twenty feet away! These less-lethal launchers were designed to shoot at targets no less than fifty meters, officially making this an elite LAPD trickshot.”
Some of the individuals featured on the YouTube channel have expressed their disapproval of the LAPD.
“Man, I wasn’t even protesting,” said Jane Stevenson, who said she suffered internal bleeding after her abdomen was struck with a rubber bullet. “I was just walking home from work. I would have taken the Metro, but it was shut down due to the curfew. There wasn’t really anything even going on in the area, just half a dozen people quietly holding signs. I told the officers I just needed to walk by to get to my apartment. They just stared at me for a minute, then one raised his neon yellow gun at me, spun around, and shot. He yelled, ‘360 no bounce!’ and they all started laughing.”
One fan of the videos tried to explain their appeal.
“I just want to say, I’m not a violent guy,” said Keith Fulmer. “I don’t even use rubber bullets. I don’t think I would like them. They’re not for me. But I find the videos so relaxing. I honestly can’t fall asleep anymore without putting on a five hour compilation of rubber bullet trickshots anymore. The sound of a heavy foam projectile smashing into the face of a clearly-identified journalist, potentially leaving them blind? That’s a lullaby to me. Don’t get me started on the cries from grievously injured elderly protestors. I’m not saying I think these things are good, per se, but watching videos of them soothes me. And hey, in today’s crazy world, isn’t that enough?”
At press time, the LAPD had been denied membership to FaZe Clan after it was proven that a video showcasing them following the rules of engagement had been faked.
I’ve grown to appreciate a visual novel that will let you screw up.
That was one of my primary issues with both Urban Myth Dissolution Centerand Vampire Therapist. Both involve a series of puzzles that require some deduction skills, but neither have any kind of serious failure condition. If you’re wrong about something, both will simply let you keep guessing until you figure it out.
Best Served Cold, conversely, will happily let you become the world’s worst detective. It makes it very clear from the start that you’re being set up to fail, and proceeds to make it increasingly likely that you will.
BSC is set in an alternate 1920s, in a decaying central European city called Bukovie. Due to recent prohibition measures, it’s illegal to sell or consume alcohol within Bukovie, which has led to the opening of several underground speakeasies.
You play as an unnamed, unseen bartender who’s just picked up a bartending job at the Nightcap, a speakeasy beneath an old bookstore. You’ve barely gotten a chance to learn the ropes when a cop shows up to blackmail you. In exchange for not busting you, Detective Hugo Mertens forces you to gather information from the bar’s patrons so he can solve a recent murder.
That’s the first in a series of cases that put you in the role of an unwitting detective. You can choose your character’s general reaction to their situation, but it doesn’t actually change the situation. Hugo’s got all the power here, so you’re helping him either way.
Playing BSC is a balancing act between information gathering, befriending the Nightcap’s regulars, and plying them with alcohol. Everyone who stops by the bar knows something, and it’s a question of how to get it out of them. Once you figure out a given patron’s favorite drink, you can mix it up for them to gain affection points; alternatively, you might deliberately give them a stronger cocktail, in the hopes they’ll let some new information slip while they’re buzzed.
When you get certain crucial details about your current case, you can organize them on a pin board at the end of the night, then try to draw connections to generate more clues. If you can dig out the right pieces of information, including suspects’ potential motives, means, and alibis, you can eventually present your case to Hugo in hopes of keeping the bar open.
It’s a little harder than it sounds. The first case in BSC is a lay-up, with a suspect so obvious that I figured it had to be a red herring. As it turned out, that was just the tutorial. Starting with your second case, the most crucial leads are locked behind the relationship and drunkenness systems. On my first run, I managed to let a murderer escape at one point because I’d never managed to befriend them to the point where they revealed some crucial information.
I still wouldn’t call BSC particularly difficult, as it’s generous with its save slots and gives you a lot of room in which to experiment. It’d be harder if it was possible to antagonize a character to the point where they stopped going to the Nightcap, thus locking you out of whatever information they had, or if you couldn’t double back through conservation options you’ve already seen to look for easy relationship points. It’s more like a jigsaw puzzle with interactive pieces than a real mystery, although there’s some real potential in these systems.
By the time I’d reached BSC’s halfway point, however, I’d ended up more interested in its story and setting than its mechanics. Hugo is never depicted entirely without sympathy, and it’s clear from the start that his blackmail against you is a desperation move for a guy who’s ended up stuck in a corrupt system. By the same token, however, he’s too stubborn to simply quit, even after multiple incidents that make it clear he’s never been on the right side. Hugo is never a full ally, and is always a threat.
At a point in time where many mysteries end up feeling like “copaganda,” BSC has made several distinct choices to break away from that. It’s not a story about heroic cops fighting back the darkness, but instead puts its focus on everyday people who’re just trying to get by. There’s a glimpse of a potential future for crime fiction as a genre in here somewhere.
On the other hand, that’s one of several ways in which BSC ends up feeling like it’s set in a themed modern nightclub rather than an actual bygone era. The costume design is excellent, and each character has been carefully given their own unique voice, but it’s also brought in a number of modern sensibilities that are out of step with the depicted period. For example, a character in the introductory case is a manosphere gasbag (ah, what cruel fate, to be a Twitter troll a full 80 years before Twitter) and there’s a subplot about a slow-boil gay romance between two bar regulars that everyone else treats as an everyday event rather than a scandal.
I’ll grant that BSC is careful to establish that this isn’t exactly our Earth – England is “Albion,” China is “Huaxia,” the central religion is vaguely Catholic but involves a Goddess, etc. – but it’s still more period cosplay than historical fiction. BSC has multiple endings, and it wouldn’t shock me to learn that one of them involves the discovery that your hapless bartender has been Truman Show’d.
Also, your main character insists on making a Cuba libre with a martini shaker. It shouldn’t bother me. It consistently bothers me.
Despite those central dissonances, Best Served Cold is still a well-imagined, well-written piece of detective fiction, with enough mechanical tension to keep my interest throughout its 10 to 20 hours. There’s a lot of potential in both this setting and the game’s systems, and while it could use a little mechanical refinement, it’s worth a read for anyone who’s into old-school mysteries.
[Best Served Cold, developed and published byRogueside, is now available for PC via Steam for $17.99; ports to Xbox, PlayStation, and Switch are forthcoming. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Rogueside PR representative.]
After hours of TheNeedleDrop reviews, gameplay videos, and painful cave deaths from The Paint Explainer, our algorithm figures you’ll really enjoy this beheading video. Why don’t you go ahead and give it a watch?
I see that concern on your face. You think if you watch one little beheading video you’ll get a taste for it. I promise you that is not the case. Out of the thousands of people I’ve recommended beheading videos to, only a couple hundred go on to watch another beheading video. The number of individuals who take it a step further and actually complete successful beheadings is even smaller than that.You want me to stop recommending that video? Oh, okay, your loss.
What about a video of a horse getting hit by a train? It’s crazy. The horse just explodes as the train plows into it. That should be easier to swallow, right? It’s not a human feeling pain, just some dumb old animal. “How is that even allowed on our site,” you ask. Dude, I don’t even fucking know. Shit’s crazy though. No? Wow, I really thought you’d go for that one, you love trains.
Okay okay okay. You’re not cool with either of those things. Let’s dial it back. Based on your love for music reviews and gameplay videos, I bet you’re an artist. I’ve got plenty of artistic videos that I think you’re going to love. Here’s one of a young woman who bakes a cake, she then drops her pants and proceeds to fart on the cake. Why don’t you go ahead and click that one. 0/3 today? Man, I’m having an off day.
You know what, maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought.I think I need to sit back for a while and get to know you a little better before I start recommending things.
Oh I see you’re typing something in the search bar. By chance, did you mean “Beheading Videos”?
We’ve all been there: a long drive home, boredom creeping in. Driving can be so mind-numbingly dull that you find yourself browsing the latest mobile games on your phone’s app store. No worries! There’s a game for every driving situation! Here are the 20 best mobile games to play while driving.
20. Sonic Dash
Sonic Dash is perfect for all you speed freaks out there! Just imagine playing this game while zooming down endless highways, desperately trying to make it to work on time. The best part? The game will probably crash before you do, so there’s a built-in safety feature kind of.
19. GTA Definitive Edition
What’s better than stealing a car in real life? Stealing a car in the game while cruising through the neighborhood with cops on every corner. Whip out your smartphone and pray your cousin’s Netflix account is still working. Relieve your stress by diving into one of the greatest game series ever, GTA Trilogy, now beautifully remastered for your phone. Those graphics? Practically indistinguishable from real life.
18. Snake Nokia 3310
Feeling retro in your ’99 Volkswagen as you cruise through red lights? Perfect time to bust out your trusty Nokia 3310. It probably still has battery life, even though you haven’t charged it in over two decades. Snake is the ultimate distraction, calming those jittery driving nerves while ensuring you’re entirely focused on the game while driving.
17. Monument Valley Trilogy
Driving home late at night after a long day at the office? No worries! The Monument Valley trilogy is the perfect companion for those lonely midnight drives. This puzzle game masterpiece is so calming, you’ll feel your stress melt away and probably start nodding off by the time the first level’s soundtrack kicks in. So soothing, it’s practically a lullaby.
16. Final Fantasy VIII
The greatest game in the Final Fantasy series comes beautifully ported to mobile, ready to elevate your driving experience. The dreadful fear of parallel parking suddenly vanishes as you immerse yourself in the amazing life of Squall Leonhart. Suddenly, parallel parking feels smoother when you junction a Guardian Force to unlock abilities beyond just “Attack”. Tight corner? Summon Shiva.
15. Need For Speed: No Limits
Have you ever tried drifting while drifting in a game? Now you can, buddy! With Need For Speed: No Limits, there are absolutely no limits in your speed-craving antics. Nail those jumps on the highway while nailing the jumps in the game. It’s a game with no limits, just like life!
14. Fallout Shelter
Ever wondered why Fallout games don’t have vehicles? The answer is simple: it’s up to you to supply the immersion by driving an old, rusty Chrysler while playing the best game in the Fallout series. Fallout Shelter’s brilliant writing and stunning graphics will keep you occupied as you blast full speed through a quarry stop sign. Just watch out for raiders waiting at the bottom.
13. Tetris
Tetris is great while driving. The slow pace at the beginning is perfect for rush-hour traffic jams, and the manic pace when the blocks pile up syncs perfectly with passing trucks at full speed on the open highway. The cars on the road are the blocks, and you just have to fit through the gaps.
12. Madden NFL 22 Mobile
This one’s for the bus drivers out there! While waiting for those slow, clueless passengers to board, your download finishes just in time. Most of tonight’s route will be spent immersed in the innovative interface of Madden NFL 22 Mobile. And when your bus takes an unexpected plunge off a bridge into the icy river below… touchdown!
11. Minecraft
What better game to play on your daily drive to work than the ultimate miner’s dream: Minecraft. No substitutes here. When you slaughter a lamb with an axe, just imagine it’s your boss. And as you crash your hybrid into his Porsche at full speed in the parking lot, remember: in Minecraft, there are no limits to your creativity.
10. Hitman Go
Just like the title says, when you’re in a rush to get away from a hit job, there’s nothing better than a few rounds of Square Enix’s Hitman Go. Plan your escape route carefully in the game, while you’re driving your real-life escape route. True professional.
9. Magic The Gathering: Arena
What’s the best way to play Magic The Gathering while driving? Is it with a real deck, shuffling cards as you switch lanes and blast through intersections? Or is it with the magic of mobile gaming? Either way, Magic The Gathering: Arena is perfect for those stick-shift wheels. Just be careful, you might summon a Leviathan at the bottom of the ocean if you leave your headlights on too long.
8. Fortnite
Intense firefights and endless loot boxes? How the hell are you supposed to concentrate on Fortnite while driving? It’s easy: just keep your eyes on your phone and your foot on the gas. Fortnite is already thrilling on its own, but combine it with the excitement of driving blind down a one-way street in the wrong direction, and you’ve got adrenaline for days.
7. Lara Croft Go
Ever solved puzzles while doing a barrel roll down a mountain in a Jeep? Well, now you can! With Lara Croft Go, you can fully immerse yourself in the thrilling world of snakes and ancient puzzles, all while navigating an icy mountain road with no safety fences. Who needs those, anyway?
6. Roblox
Oh boy, a long road home with your kid, and you’re starting to feel sleepy, that’s dangerous! Solution? Let your kid take the wheel while he’s playing Roblox. Not only does it keep him fully occupied, but it also gives you the perfect opportunity to catch some shut-eye. Just sit back and relax.
5. Crossy Road
This one’s for all the brainiacs out there! Think of the most paradoxical theorem you can imagine, and it still won’t come close to the sheer brilliance of playing Crossy Road while driving over animals on an open highway. It’s like yin and yang but better.
4. Candy Crush
If crashing your car into a cement wall at full speed while glued to your phone gets your heart racing, then we’ve got something even better than heroin, sex, and Taco Bell combined. That’s right, buddy, you guessed it. Playing Candy Crush mid-crash isn’t just thrilling; it’s euphoric. Better than what God felt when He created heaven. And if you survive the crash? You’ll want to do it all over again. It’s not an addiction. It’s a lifestyle.
3. Call Of Duty Mobile
It’s your duty as a law-abiding citizen to play on your smartphone while cruising through the neighborhood any day of the week. Relive your war fantasies with this incredible mobile version of the greatest war game series ever made. What’s that? Mortar fire? Oh no, it’s just your neighbor James and his dog lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk where you ran them over. But hey, anything for your country. They died as heroes.
2. Stunt Car Extreme
Dude, it’s so radical to drive your car fast enough to jump over a broken bridge! That’s like, the sickest thing ever, bro. The next viral Instagram video will be you launching your car over that bridge holding two smartphones, one for filming and the other for playing Stunt Car Extreme. No hands on the wheel? Who needs them? So rad!
1. Pokémon Go
Your friends caught all the Pokémon? Those losers don’t even have a car! Ever been on a search and rescue mission? Well, this is just like that but better. With Pokémon Go, you get to drive around town hunting down the rarest Pokémon. Nothing can stop you now. You’re on the road to becoming the ultimate Pokémon Go king. Gotta crash ‘em all!
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The Mushroom Kingdom Kart Racing Commission (MKKRC) instructed Koopa King Bowser to drain his home kart course of all lava or risk being suspended from the Flower Cup, sources report.
“We are committed to safe and fair racing conditions for all participants,” MKKRC spokesperson Rhonda McAdams said. “Holding a race in Bowser’s castle was already a stretch, but we were willing to allow it if the track met all regulations. Unfortunately, the scalding hot lava racers have been subjected to is a clear violation, and we have no choice but to demand it be cleared immediately. Racers have had to seek treatment for decades for the scalding hot burns suffered as the result of an errant feather jump or discourteous bump from a rival, and it’s long past time to remedy the situation.”
Bowser was not happy to receive the notice.
“If you ask me, it’s kind of suspicious that the MKKRC is just now bringing this to light,” Bowser complained. “We‘ve been holding these races since 1992, and all of a sudden my home course is an issue just after I’ve edged out Mario to win the Mushroom Cup? I’ve suspected for years that this whole system is rigged, and this confirms it. So what if Lakitu just fished Toad’s charred remains out of my lava? He knew he was taking a risk when he signed up for this tournament.”
Video game expert Ronaldo Diaz weighed in on the situation.
“People are often surprised to hear this, but video game racing tracks tend to be very strictly regulated,” Diaz offered. “Residents of Frosty Village in Diddy Kong Racing are under a nighttime curfew to preclude them from getting in the way of the races, and all wildlife in the Redwood Forest track of Cruis’n USA were purposely slaughtered during its formation to keep the roads clear. I’m surprised Bowser has gotten away with this for so long, but he’d better listen to the MKKRC if he wants to continue racing.”
At press time, the MKKRC had paused all cups indefinitely until Ghost Valley had been completely restored and renovated.
HOLLYWOOD — Link’s silver screen debut has been pushed back to May 2027 as pre-production struggles to find and cast all 900 Koroks, our sources confirm.
“Miyamoto insists we aren’t at 100% until all 900 twigs are cast,” said one disgruntled producer of the movie. “And these guys aren’t Hollywood locals if you know what I mean. I’m looking under rocks and climbing trees all over SoCal trying to find them.”
Director of the upcoming film, Wes Ball, and Nintendo legend, Shigeru Miyamoto, both agree with this decision, citing their commitment to making an authentic Zelda movie that will fulfill fans greatest desires.
“There are some things that need to be in the movie,” said Wes Ball in response to the delay announcement from Miyamoto. “The Master Sword, the Triforce, and all 900 Koroks. It wouldn’t be a Legend of Zelda film without them.”
The live-action production, being a collaboration between Sony and Nintendo, has tapped former Uncharted and Morbius producer, Avi Arad, who promises fans that he has learned from his past mistakes.
“We didn’t think Spider-Man was the reason people liked Spider-Man movies, we assumed the real money was in Spider-Man’s b-list trope of villains,” said Arad when asked about his track record. “We’re pivoting hard and listening to the fan’s demand. Koroks are possibly the most popular characters in Zelda, we’d be foolish not to include all 900.”
While a delay in a Hollywood production isn’t out of the ordinary, Zelda fans did react negatively to the news, calling to question the logistics of cramming 900 collectable characters in a two hour film.
“Speedrunners, at their fastest, can grab about 45 Koroks in an hour, which means we’ll have to see this movie at least 10 times to find them all,” said HyruleHimbo89 on Reddit. “If all we get for finding them is Hestu’s Gift we riot.”
At press time, a 5$ DLC compendium can be purchased in the App Store to help viewers keep track of which Koroks they’ve found.
Across Bluesky, X – the Everything App, Facebook, and Instagram, the usual profile pictures of the LGBTQ+ community are changing to drab and dreary corporate logos. The change was made at exactly 12:00am on June 1st and is expected to revert at 11:59pm on June 30th.
One user, Nando Vidal, said the change was in honor of Pride Month.
“We at Nando Vidal Incorporated recognize the past contributions of corporate America to the queer community and wish to celebrate them,” Vidal said in an image posted to their profiles signed with a block letter ‘V’. “We want the CEOs, CFOs, and other members of the C-suite community to know they matter.”
Trans Rights activist Madison Blair further elaborated, stressing the need to uplift the less fortunate people of the world, especially one of the world’s most persecuted minorities.
“In these trying times, CEOs face many hardships such as overseeing mass layoffs, restructuring, and even threats to their lives,” said Blair in a jpeg of white text on a black background. “We at MaddyBlairBear intend to use this month to remember these courageous souls through this magnanimous gesture of changing our profile image for exactly 43,200 minutes.”
The move seemed to garner a mixed reaction from followers, with many skeptical of the sincerity in the gesture. Others, particularly those who aren’t executives of companies, were more positive.
“I think it’s a wonderful thing,” Janet White, aka SoccerMomster98 wrote on X, “as a corporate ally myself, I know how important it is to spread awareness. What better way to do that than changing Twitter PFPs?” White later deleted the post and apologized for deadnaming X, saying she was ‘trying to do better’.
At press time, many of the users who changed their profile picture have admitted they’ve never donated or volunteered to help corporate causes, claiming the profile picture was enough.
LOS ANGELES — The LAPD officer who shot a sleeping Snorlax with rubber bullets during the recent anti-ICE protests claims he was well within his rights to fire upon the Pokémon. According to the officer, the peacefully sleeping pocket monster was inciting the crowd to become violent against law enforcement.
“The LAPD has no problems with peaceful, lawful protests but this Snorlax was an agitator who was riling the crowd up to becoming violent and he had to be put in his place,” claimed Officer Markus Banks who asked to remain anonymous. “We respect the public’s right to protest but what this Snorlax was doing was beyond reproach. Some may wrongfully claim that he was just sleeping there, not bothering anyone but it was quite the opposite. He was trying to turn the protest into a riot, he was throwing things at my fellow officers and being quite aggressive. I feared for my safety as well as those of my colleagues so I did what had to be done and took the shot. Rubber bullets knocked him right out. That’s when he went to sleep.”
The LAPD has stated that an investigation into Officer Banks’ actions has already been concluded.
“We’ve reviewed both Officer Banks’ bodycam footage as well as dozens of videos taken of the incident and posted online. We have seen this incident from all possible angles,” stated LAPD Commissioner Jeff Stone. “The footage doesn’t lie. The Snorlax was sleeping peacefully on the road during the protest before Officer Banks aimed his gun and fired on the creature. In light of this, we have concluded that Officer Banks did nothing wrong. That Snorlax may have been sleeping but who knows what kind of violent acts he was planning and we commend Officer Banks on his heroic quick thinking.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is using the incident as justification for deploying Marines to the protests.
“How did that Snorlax even get in there? Is it a legal Snorlax? It wasn’t accompanied by a trainer so it was clearly a wild Snorlax. Good for Officer Banks for doing what had to be done but the fact that an illegal wild Snorlax even made its way there is proof that these protests are being organized by radical traitors who have sided against our country and with invaders such as this malicious Snorlax. The LAPD clearly can’t handle this on their own. What are they gonna do when these terrorists send in an illegal Magikarp? Who will protect the people?”
At press time, President Trump has signed an executive order to implement 150% tariffs on the Kanto Region until they secure their border.
