Exciting news from Amazon this week as they unveil new plans for their upcoming delivery drone program. Jeff Bezos has announced that each and every drone will be equipped with the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System or V.A.T.S. for short.
“We’re extremely excited to roll out our new delivery drones in 2024 and I’m personally ecstatic that we’ll be able to implement this new technology as well” Bezos said in his statement, while dressed in a red smoking jacket on the balcony of his penthouse, “Our drones will be able to delivery our customers packages with pinpoint accuracy!” he said as he fired a rifle at passersby on the street below.
Bezos wanted to emphasize that V.A.T.S. was primarily just being used to help eliminate possible errors and ensure packages were delivered to the correct addresses, however when pressed about the other capabilities of the targeting system he didn’t shy away from revealing the lethality of the project.
“Well of course the drones will be fully armed, we can’t take any chances can we?” Bezos said as he took a deep inhale from some sort of hallucinogen he referred to later as Jet, “What if a pack of feral ghouls show up and try to steal your toilet paper or noise canceling headphones? Not gonna happen! We’ll shoot those mother fuckers in the head! What if a group of raiders tries to take your baby’s new Amazon Kindle?! Wouldn’t it be easier to cripple their legs instantly so they can’t take a single step closer?”
It’s a bit unclear what made Amazon rush to make this drastic change to the design of their delivery drones, though many speculate it’s inspired by the launch of their new Fallout series to be released next year. One unnamed cast member has said that Bezos actually visited the set, and after a while began to act strangely,
“He kept asking everyone to refer to him as the Overseer, it was really strange,” our source on set told us, “The weirder thing was when I was negotiating my contract with him he kept trying to pay me in bottle caps. I really couldn’t tell if all this was some sort of elaborate joke only a crazed billionaire would try to pull off or if he had just blurred the lines between reality and the game.”
Either way it seems Prime members are in for a rad new experience and Bezos promises the show and the drones will have a 100% chance to hit.
GENT, BELGIUM – Larian Studios announced today that a new 50GB patch is available for their smash hit Baldur’s Gate 3 — adding only a single feature, but one that players have reportedly been begging for: an extremely detailed dick vein.
“Today’s update is absolutely huge, and we can’t wait to get it into the hands of our players,” a representative for Larian said. “Our amazing team of designers has spent the last 6 weeks intensely studying scientific diagrams, real male models, and King Size Snickers bars. We’re excited to announce that today’s new release contains the most detailed dick vein in any RPG, ever.”
The rep continued, “This thing is stunning: big, blue and perfectly shaded for viewing from every angle. We’re talking 50 full GB of gorgeous lifelike detail, down to the last centimeter. It’s ready for every closeup and cutscene, with no clipping at all.”
The patch notes for the massive update were surprisingly succinct.
“Added an incredibly detailed dick vein for Penises B, D, and E. No additional crash fixes or dialogue updates at this time, as the update would have been too big for release and players definitely would have had to delete the game and redownload it, instead of just maybe having to do that if they didn’t have enough free space.”
Players were thrilled to get started playing with the new addition.
“I’m so glad they’re finally getting this added, even though I had to delete the game and wipe my entire hard drive for enough space to download it,” said Skyler Eckert, an avid fan of Baldur’s Gate 3. “I’ve been sending bug reports three times a day for the last two months! The game was practically unplayable without it. How am I supposed to feel fully immersed in my sex scenes with Minthara when my Tav’s dick is as shiny and smooth as some baby’s ass?”
At press time, Eckert was seen parading his character around camp in the nude.
We’ve all been there. Just when you think you’re ready to go to town with Mr. Right, you spot it from the corner of your eye: the gleam of a silver blade, and we’re not talking about some dinky butter knife. Yes, you’ve found yourself in the arms of a full-on sword guy, and now you’re scrambling for the exit while babbling some half-baked excuse. That’s why we’ve compiled the ten hottest tips for spotting a swordsman before going home with him.
#1 — He Owns a Black Overcoat
Watch out if his social media features a black trench coat, duster coat, or any other outerwear that’s clearly too long for the 21st century (but just long enough for the 23rd). If he’s wearing sunglasses at the same time, it’s already over: you’re about to find yourself at the business end of a katana. He may think he’s Neo, but he’s definitely not The One for you.
#2 — He Refers to His Junk Using a Sword Emoji Instead of an Eggplant
It’s not that he doesn’t know emoji etiquette. He knows exactly what he’s doing. If you sent a peach and he replied with crossed swords and sweat droplets, it may be time to send him a wave goodbye. Worst case scenario: you’ll find the polished broadsword on his mantle more than outshines the rusty dagger in his jeans.
#3 — He Plays Fantasy RPGs
Maybe you enjoy snuggling on the couch and watching your man play Call of Duty, but be warned: your future World of Warcraft boyfriend does not play on the couch. He doesn’t even own one. He plays in an overpriced red and black gaming chair that’s actively giving him scoliosis. Not only that, but he proudly displays a replica of some famous fantasy weapon, like Frostmourne, the Master Sword, or Cloud’s Buster Sword. He’ll assure you it’s perfectly safe, but don’t be fooled: these items’ stats are through the roof.
#4 — He Invites You to His D&D Campaign
If you’ve got a thing for the shy, nerdy type, even you ought to know that for every cute dork, there’s a Machiavellian wargamer on the prowl for fresh meat. Be vigilant: this guy’s sword is probably engraved with a quote he came up with himself. If you thought the trench coat was embarrassing, wait till you see this dude wearing a cloak. Spending time with him may even be a slippery slope to LARPing, and once a man carrying a fully illegal Zweihander throws a hackysack at you and calls it a fireball, your life is basically done.
#5 — He Plays Minecraft
While not technically a real sword, guys who own a toy Minecraft sword are on thin fucking ice. What is that, styrofoam? I’ve got my eye on you.
#6 — He’s Too Dumb to Cast Spells
If this bumbling oaf struggles to even cast a simple cantrip, it’s time to open a portal back home. He may have charisma, but you’re far too good for a man whose dump stat is intelligence. He’s got no enchantments, no potions, and no orb, so of course his barbarian ass thinks a sharp metal stick will do the trick. With zero magical properties, that glorified letter opener is limited to the physical realm and won’t be able to touch you after you ghost him.
#7 — He Carries a Pocket Knife
It’s not rocket science. Knife guys are just a skip and a jump away from sword guys. You can easily root out these guys by presenting literally any situation that could possibly call for a pocket knife. Trust us, he’ll make himself known. If you go home with this guy, he’s going to show you his collection and you’re going to realize there are more knives than clean dishes in this house. You may think this former Boy Scout would make a great hiking partner, but be careful not to earn your Genealogy badge with a dude who can’t even tie the knot.
#8 — He Was a Samurai during the Edo Period
From 1603 to 1868 CE, the Japanese Edo period is when katana-forging blossomed into a highly respected art form. Samurai of the Tokugawa shogunate were required to carry the traditional daishō, the pairing of the katana with a shorter blade, usually a wakizashi but sometimes a tantō. If your crush was a military noble during this time, there’s a high chance he kept his swords and an even higher chance that he’s way too old for you. What a loser!
#9 — He Tells You about His Sword
What are you, a mind reader? Just because he told you he owns a sword, that automatically means he owns a sword? We can’t blame you if this subtle hint flew straight over your head, but luckily, the Sherlock Holmes of Grindr is here to make sure you’ll know better next time.
And voila, you’re a human metal detector—you’ll see that sword coming a mile away. Stay safe out there, besties. And remember: if the sword owner happens to be a woman instead of a man, disregard this article entirely. That’s hot as fuck.
Santa Monica – In a surprise move, Naughty Dog, the master storytellers behind The Last Of Us, have officially announced a teaser for their pre-remake of their iconic title for the highly anticipated but non-existent PS6.
The pre-remake will reportedly feature impressive 16k graphics, immersive beard physics, and more comparisons to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. In a press release that left fans confused, Naughty Dog stated, “We believe the true essence of a classic lies in its sheer ability to be remade, remastered, and then pre-remastered.” Despite The Last Of Us having several remakes under its belt, Naughty Dog insists this pre-remake is also more definitive than the last definitive edition.
Neil Druckmann, director at Naughty Dog, expressed his joy for the project, saying, “We really wanted to give players a chance to relive the experience of playing such an incredibly depressing game.” To reinforce this, the collector’s edition of this pre-remake will ship with a copy of Trainspotting, as well as Requiem For A Dream, to further enhance the melancholic experience.
Some fans are disappointed that there’s no mention of Ellie’s guitar, which many had hoped to ship with the collector’s edition. Previous leaks have revealed that this guitar, no matter how well you tune it, will always sound like it’s being played by someone with 3 fingers. While other fans, delighted by the announcement, patiently wait in fungi-encrusted couches.
The announcement has sparked mixed reactions among fans, with some expressing rabid enthusiasm for the chance to experience the pre-post-apocalypse, while others wonder if we’ve officially run out of ideas. In any case, Naughty Dog is determined to prove that when it comes to remakes, there’s always room for one more – or in this case, one before the one we already had.
If you’re sick of playing high-cost, overdeveloped, major AAA releases like Dave The Diver, why not expand your gaming palette and try out some indie recommendations below. We guarantee that, while they may have big budgets, high production value, and a publisher, these titles have easy to recognize elements that will have you asking, “Why haven’t I played this stellar indie game that has such obvious faults that only a AAA developer could solve?”:
Far Cry 6
While Far Cry 6 is about liberating a tropical paradise again, rest assured you will be going after another Wish.com version of Vaas, but in a narrow 60 FOV. Since they can’t afford it, it’s clear only an indie game would buck accessibility and have you playing the game as if staring down a glory hole.
FIFA
It’s quite obvious when a sequel simply changes the number on the cover with no meaningful changes in the game, it’s a clear result of being an indie with no budget. Since indie games are about innovating, they’ve revealed a new system for a sequel that brings sweat to players. That’s it.
Assassin’s Creed Mirage
(No, that’s not a map from Assassin’s Creed 2003. That’s from Assassin’s Creed Mirage.)
When a developer has to walk back all the innovations they’ve made on a franchise and go back to the purest, most boring iterations of its past, it’s obvious they’re an indie developer. Only with corporate guidance would Ubisoft have the wisdom to actually listen to fans who just want a cool pirate boating game.
Final Fantasy BirthWalker/NeverParadise/ChocoboRhythm Remastered
Some indie developers crowdfund, some seek out other external investing. Some do what Final Fantasy has done, which is spin off games that no one wanted. Only a true indie developer would innovate this hard, while still retaining archaic gameplay from 20 years ago.
Elder Scrolls VI
A real screenshot of Elder Scrolls VI’s teaser
When indie developers literally cannot develop their own games, they release frameworks and have the modding community make the game for them. This is the premise of Elder Scrolls VI, from famed indie developer Bethesda Game Studios, who pioneered this revolutionary indie developer idea.
Star Wars Jedi: Survivor
One of the big benefits of AAA development is QA and having massive budgets to ensure performance is top-notch for release. Jedi: Survivor not only had terrible performance issues, but they were so bad, the game became pixelated. 2 points in the indie bucket for this one.
Red Dead Redemption 2
The big metric for AAA games today is how fast they are. You must be able to drive, ride, walk, run 2x faster than real life. Unfortunately, Rockstar Studios being an indie developer, everything you do in-game is 2x slower.
If you want to continue supporting the little guy instead of coddling corporate product pushers, then these indies will surely break the bank of Ubisoft, EA, and more when you buy them instead. Don’t see an indie you loved on this list? Tell us on socials!
Though baby Pokémon are often derided by players for their relative uselessness, being weaker pre-evolutions of existing Pokémon, it is difficult to deny the way they trigger my ingrained evolutionary instincts to nurture and protect my young. For this reason, some could argue they are in fact more powerful and holdable than their evolved counterparts. First introduced in the second generation games, baby Pokémon have been added in each subsequent Pokémon game for a total of 19 adorable little sweetiepies. Today, we’ll be ranking each one based on how receptive they were when I tried to give them a nice pat on the head.
#19 — Mantyke
Starting off our list, we have Mantyke, a Water/Flying-type Pokémon who I could not get to land long enough to pat its soft, bulbous antennae. When it traded the gentle safety of the skies for the salty ocean currents, I attempted to pursue it on boat, but ended up capsizing and had to be resuscitated after risking it all for one single, slimy pat.
#18 — Azurill
Poor guy. This Normal/Fairy-type Pokémon was anything but normal when I approached, hand raised, itching to dribble its tail like a basketball (gently). It ran away sobbing. I’m so sorry, little friend. Maybe next time?
#17 — Munchlax
Tried to bite me! What the hell?
#16 — Tyrogue
To be honest, I didn’t try very hard with this Fighting-type Pokémon, and that’s on me. It’s just… it just looks like some dude, you know? Like a grown man, almost. I don’t want to pet some dude. Where would you even pet it?
#15 — Wynaut
My first success! It took a bit of sizing each other up, but Wynaut eventually let me approach, and I was able to pat the weird thing on its head. It seemed happy enough, though I’m still not sure if it knew what was happening.
#14 — Elekid
This Electric-type Pokémon broke into my home. It drained all the electricity in my house, then stood above my bed while I slept, none the wiser. Maybe it stood for hours in the dark. They say the human brain generates electricity as it spins the lie of reality before our eyes. Perhaps Elekid hungered for that secret feast inside my skull, wanting what it could not have, or would not take. When I awoke, it was gone.
#13 — Smoochum
For a Pokémon who loves to kiss, you’d think Smoochum would be comfortable with other forms of intimacy (head pats). Sadly, that wasn’t quite the case, but it did accept a nice kiss on the head, which was a sort of pat. A lip pat.
#12 — Cleffa
I was urged repeatedly NOT to touch the squiggle on its head. This proved impossible. Is it hair? Is it flesh? Is it vestigial? I had to know. Though knowledge brought me no comfort.
#11 — Magby
Tried to bite me! But I got what I came for.
#10 — Togepi
Togepi was so shy when I met it, but warmed up in no time! You would think the spikes on its head would make it difficult to give a good pat, but I cannot overstate how this is simply NOT TRUE. They’re actually quite soft and rubber-like, and you can bend the center spike forward and boop Togepi on the nose. Well, if it had a nose, that is. This Pokémon is only ranked relatively low on this list because it offered me a bribe for number one placement, which left a bad taste in my mouth.
#9 — Chingling
Chingling did not move when I approached it. It remained perfectly calm for the entirety of our interaction. Its eyes were open, but it never blinked. Now that I think of it, I think this Chingling was dead. Christ, did I pet a dead Pokémon? I should go wash my hands again.
#8 — Happiny
For those asking, yes, I got to pat the egg too. I will return to this happy memory as often as my dreams will take me there.
#7 — Pichu
This sneaky rat bastard didn’t make it easy. I chased him through three gyms and two parking lots and I’m not even sure it was the same one I eventually caught. I snatched it up by the tail, wriggling like a damn fish, and gave it a firm pat on the head, which was great. Afterwards, Pichu looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. I’ll admit, I was shamed.
#6 — Riolu
Though I’ve never been a big Riolu fan, this one managed to sway me with its enigmatic bow and its patience while I decided whether it was wise to go for its black ear things. I decided against it and went for the classic pat. Riolu flinched ever so slightly at my touch, but soon we seemed to come to an understanding in our own solemn, professional way.
#5 — Bonsly
Authorities will never find this Bonsly. After our encounter in the wild, I took it home and planted it in my garden, up to its eyes so it couldn’t move, and I pat it there as often as I like.
#4 — Toxel
This Electric/Poison-type Pokémon seemed really down when I met it, which made it a prime target for a pat on the head. Toxel didn’t disagree, as it nuzzled up to me and made happy sounds upon repeated patting. Definitely a highlight of my week, and presumably Toxel’s week, too.
#3 — Mime Jr.
Upon reflection, Mime Jr. was probably a little too excited to get a pat on the head. It made me question its intentions. That said, in a ranking of how receptive baby Pokémon are to a pat on the head, you can’t get much higher than “wants it so bad it scares you”.
#2 — Budew
Planted in the garden with Bonsly.
#1 — Igglybuff
Was there ever any doubt? Our number one spot belongs to Igglybuff, the sweet, bouncy Normal/Fairy-type Pokémon! Igglybuff has been a personal favorite Pokémon of mine ever since I fell for its siren song upon awakening one night alone in my house, sensing an Elekid who was no longer there but whose presence lingered still, on a deeper level than my lizard brain could comprehend. I followed the echo of a dream deep into the grasslands where Igglybuff welcomed me with a look that said, “you are perfect, you will be okay, you are loved,” and our pact of friendship was sealed with a single, perfect pat on the head.
MINNEAPOLIS – Electronics retail chain Best Buy is pivoting to a “100% all in” focus on selling Reese’s Dipped Pretzels at the front cash registers, according to internal documents shared exclusively with Hard Drive.
“The landscape is always evolving, and Best Buy must remain on the cutting edge,” wrote CEO Corie Barry in a company wide email. “We’re phasing out physical media and renting store space to corporate partners, yes. But the future of our family must be milk chocolate and peanut butter pretzels that customers impulse buy as they’re checking out.”
Best Buy CFO Matt Bilunas argues that Reese’s Pretzels offer financial security in an increasingly volatile market.
“Are [Reese’s Pretzels] related to electronics in any way? They are not,” wrote Bilunas in a separate email. “Does the data show, thoroughly and unambiguously, the foodstuffs provide steady revenue where other sectors fluctuate unpredictably? It does.” Bilunas also provided graphs and charts, in orange and black colors.
Economist Vlad Simpson is “not surprised” by Best Buy’s transition.
“We download games, buy used appliances, and order printer ink off Amazon,” said Khosla. “But the brick-and-mortar model still works for that underutilized ‘running errands all day and could use just a little snack’ class of consumer.
“Frankly, other retailers should follow suit,” added Simpson. “I went to an REI the other day and left only with Sour Patch Kids and a Gatorade. It’s recession-proof.”
Sources also report that Best Buy is laying off 70% of their workforce, to make more room for “the pretzels and what the pretzels need for their success.”
Let’s be real here for a moment: video games can be kind of embarrassing. When someone else sees the fictional world you’ve chosen to inhabit for a time, it’s like they’re peering right into your soul. And when they see you playing a JRPG – sure! Sometimes they’re seeing you play a brave warrior cleaning the land of ancient evils. And sometimes they see you receiving “puff puff” from a girl of unknown exact age wearing a bunny costume, or shouting abstract nouns from the top of your lungs with two-toned hair that conjures up thoughts of a rejected energy drink mascot.
With all that in mind, here’s seven major modern JRPG series ranked by how embarrassed you should feel about playing them. And yea, if I didn’t include a JRPG then maybe that means I don’t consider it major enough.
#7 — Like A Dragon
Well, I guess Like A Dragon’s a JRPG series now. I guess it’s also called Like A Dragon now. I’ll go ahead and be the world’s least daring person and say that I think Like A Dragon is cool. It subverts typical JRPG norms by forgoing escalating monster battles that lead to a standoff with god in favor of this kinda urban, “street-punk” vibe. Instead of imps and goblins, you and your party of down-on-their-luck 30 or 40-somethings are scrapping with finance workers, middle managers and garbage men who use bin lids as shields. It’s all genuinely very funny, and the fact that the “humor” doesn’t make you wanna gouge your own eyes out with a spoon is yet another smart subversion of JRPG tropes.
#6 — Dragon Quest
Aforementioned “puff puff” (you can look it up for yourself) aside, yeah there isn’t much about playing Dragon Quest that I’d argue you should feel embarrassed about — apart from the fact that you’re probably old as balls, of course. It’s one of the oldest and “purest” JRPGs out there, it’s a huge hit in Japan yada yada yada, I just wanna make something clear. If you consider the British accents to be something worthy of embarrassment, fine, but as a Brit, most of us don’t sound like that. Most of us sound way cooler. Thanks.
#5 — Final Fantasy
I’m gonna be real with you gamers: I could have easily swapped this with Dragon Quest but I’ve mostly put it here out of spite. You get everything you want. As someone whose favorite games are like, Spyro, Pokemon and Team Fortress 2, it is exhausting to watch how much you guys EAT. Final Fantasy VII Remake? No problem, it gets a huge budget and multiple games. Y’all want a new mainline game? Sure, here’s Final Fantasy XVI sandwiched right in-between the FF7 remake! And it’s apparently pretty good! “Oh yeah, by the way, we went back to that disastrous MMO and turned it into one of the most acclaimed ever.” Should you ever collect the willpower to log off of Final Fantasy XIV and go outside for five minutes, I hope you use that time to reflect on how spoiled you are. God.
#4 — Pokemon
Ahh, how the Mankey’s paw curls. See, the thing about constant releases is sometimes it isn’t everything you want. Sometimes a once-beloved series known for its consistently high bar of quality slowly dissolves into dust in your hands. Enter Pokemon, which I still have a soft spot for, but absolutely refuses to grow up with me. It will never ask me if I’ve played a Pokemon game before and allow me to skip the tutorial, it will talk to me like I’m nine years old throughout its whole duration, it will railroad me through a plot with all the depth of a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Even worse, it’ll now also explode and run horribly and have my guy clipping through 3000 textures all the while. I’m a sucker for still buying these games, I know. That’s me, I suck.
#3 — Persona
Persona presents a weird duality. In some ways it’s by far the coolest JRPG series out there right now. These games have a sense of style none can match — their UI and visuals are mindblowing, and their soundtracks absolutely slap. However, because I’m not a Kotaku writer and you’re not frothing at the mouth at the mere thought of my existence by default, I’m gonna be the one to break it to you that the series has in fact had some weird politics throughout the years.
Despite being a series largely about progressive youth rebelling against incompetent authority — I don’t know! It treats gay and trans people quite weirdly! And Chie becoming a cop at the end of Persona 4, a game all about how the institutional corruption and blatant incompetence of the police force allows a man to get away with murders, kinda makes my head hurt! Persona is good. They are good games. But right now it’s probably best to enjoy them a bit like you enjoy your favorite stand-up comic who’s mostly got the right idea but then occasionally says how much he hates snowflakes. It’s okay to criticize things you love guys, you’ll live.
#2 — Fire Emblem
In time, the Genshin Impact-ification of Fire Emblem could be studied by those looking into cultural differences between the East and the West. If you ask me, Fire Emblem used to have dignity, it used to have class! And it still kinda does, Three Houses ripped and I have faith that the next game will bring us back on course a bit, but man. As is the case with most embarrassing transformations, it all started with a mobile game. A gacha game at that. One whose fans I’m sure won’t have irrationally angry responses to this article for suggesting that such a game is inherently predatory and counter to art! Thankfully, we don’t even have to worry about fans of Engage because they can’t read! The only visual stimuli they respond to is jiggle physics and terrible character design. I’m confident that I could beat up at least 50% of the Fire Emblem: Engage cast if I met them in real life.
#1 — Xenoblade Chronicles
Y’know, if this series consisted entirely of Xenoblade Chronicles 1, Xenoblade Chronicles X and Xenoblade Chronicles 3, it could be number #6 on this list — hell, it could be #7! Xenoblade 1 in particular totally slaps, especially in terms of story and characters. Unfortunately for you Xenoblade fans, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 exists, and your reputation may never recover from it. Oh, it’s got the gacha mechanics. Oh, it’s got the anime-style voice acting. Oh, it’s got dialogue written by someone kicked off the Kingdom Hearts team for being too embarrassing. (Kingdom Hearts would rank #2 on this list if it were not an Action RPG, for what it’s worth.) And you’d best believe it’s got crazy jiggly cleavage every which way you look for no reason. There’s a “Blade” in this game (kinda like a mix between a bodyguard and a hentai drawing) whose proportions are such that she literally has the silhouette of Yoshi. You know the one.
Xenoblade 2 carries this series to the top spot all on its own, baby. A true crowning achievement in media, the only game that bests Fire Emblem: Engage in matters of sheer mortification. And of course its case is only made all the stronger by that picture in the Xenoblade 3 ending. HAHAHAHAHA. It’s not gonna happen to you, nerds! Hatsune Miku isn’t real, and she can’t reproduce! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Great stuff.
BOSTON — As a long night of deck-building turned to an early morning, sources report a local gamer concluding his 300th run of Slay the Spire looked up in terror to realize it was now the year 2023.
“To tell the truth, I’m still at a loss with what happened,” said Nick Thresher, cradling his head and stroking a long, unkempt beard. “I was browsing through Steam one night despite my doctor’s warnings, and I came across a game that had just released in early access: Slay the Spire. It described itself as a roguelike deck-builder, which sounded like an interesting concept. So I downloaded it and started my first run. It still feels like just a few hours ago, but apparently that was November 2017. And now it’s 2023? Christ. Can’t wait to play Beyond Good & Evil 2 though.”
“I really have my mom to thank,” continued Thresher. “She never gave up on me. Here I am wrapping up what must’ve been my 300th run, and I’m in deep, I’m talking Act 3 Time Eater about to play my 12th card deep. I’ve got the world’s nastiest Claw deck on the Defect, I’m flying high with Torii/Tungsten Rod Combo, Ice Cream, Cursed Key, Happy Flower, I’m just drowning in energy. That said I’m also drowning because this is Time Eater and also I’m told I haven’t showered in six years. He’s about to nuke me and pop my Lizard Tail, when all of a sudden the door to my apartment bursts open and there she is: my mom, looking 10 years older from worry and also I assume aging six years. That’s when I look up and realize it’s 2023.”
Nick’s mom, Barbara Thresher, says it’s a miracle she found her son when she did.
“I had almost given up, I really had,” Barbara told reporters. “Nick hadn’t called or responded to my dog videos or broken Facebook links for almost three years, which was a little longer than usual. I knew something was wrong— I knew I had to start looking for him. I just never expected him to get lost in the genre-defining gameplay and complex card synergies of Mega Crit’s indie hit Slay the Spire.”
“After me and the authorities peeled Nick away from a Heart fight he was clearly losing, we started taking his vitals and asking him questions. Things like ‘What year is it?’ ‘Who’s the president?’ and ‘Is Twitter still called Twitter or is it something much, much dumber?’ Turns out, he had a lot of catching up to do. To be honest, I’m just happy to have my boy back.”
Slay the Spire’s developer Mega Crit Games was reportedly saddened to learn of Nick and his family’s tragedy, though not necessarily surprised.
“As game developers, you can’t help but feel somewhat responsible when something like this happens,” wrote co-founder Anthony Giovannetti in a statement published to social media. “Our art can have real-world effects. You can publish a game, and it might make someone’s day or inspire someone else to be a better person. But it might also cause a 25 year-old man to fall into a six year stupor in which the only fleeting moments of consciousness come from playing Snecko Eye or pulling Corpse Explosion in Act I. And that’s scary to think about.”
“I’m beyond proud of the game me and my team have developed. But that’s the risk that comes with addictive gameplay loops. We’ve created the perfect cycle of advancing up floors of enemies, drafting cards, and getting curb-stomped by the Heart on turn two no matter what you do. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
At press time, Thresher reported he was adjusting well to 2023 and dipping his toes into a large backlog of deck-builders and roguelikes inspired by Slay the Spire. He was last seen installing Hades on his Nintendo Switch with the intention of starting “one more run before bed”.
LOS ANGELES — The scene at local card shops across the U.S. was pandemonium today, sources report, as players of the popular Yu-Gi-Oh TCG found their previously tournament-ready decks become 4th rate when facing off against a new meta threat: Frog the Jam Turbo.
“As Yu-Gi-Oh players, we don’t expect a lot from Konami [the game’s publisher],” spoke Serenity Rhodes, a former tournament judge. “We get a new set every month or so; old packs added to Master Duel semi-frequently; an overzealous ban list three or four times a year that hits all the wrong cards and makes no one happy. But errata-ing all Frogs so they can combo with a boss monster like Frog the Jam? That’s a step too far, even for Konami.”
“Have they forgotten their history? ‘Except Frog the Jam’ wasn’t just a clumsy way to correct a bad translation on a card printed before there was a proper Frog archetype to make use of it. It was a safety measure: a seal on a power too great to ever see play. Now the meta is in shambles, and for good reason. Frog the Jam is splashable in any deck. Apollousa, Accesscode Talker, ZEUS— none of them can compete with a level 2 vanilla monster with no stats and presumably no bones. It’s the most toxic, game-winning card since Mystic Mine, since Yata-Lock— since licking your hand at a tournament and playing Yu-Jo Friendship. We all laughed and shook our heads when we saw ‘Except Frog the Jam’, but now that we have to Accept Frog the Jam? No one’s laughing.”
Meanwhile, Yu-Gi-Oh players across the country are already seeing the new deck, dubbed Frog the Jam Turbo—reportedly capable of getting the aforementioned frog on the board by turn 7 or earlier—smashing the powerhouses of old.
“Things were going pretty good, maybe even better than good,” said Billy Hoban, a pro player eyeing a spot in the 2024 Yu-Gi-Oh! World Championship. “I’m 0-4 playing Cloudians in a room full of Floos, Sprights, and Tearlaments, which is actually great because I’m addicted to pain and crave defeat the same way the sinner craves the lash. It’s why I play competitive Yu-Gi-Oh. I’m waiting for my opponent so we can do the coin toss, when he takes a seat and I realize he’s just this kid. Probably playing Melffys or his big brother’s Hero deck, I’m thinking. God, was I wrong.”
“We go a few turns, because Christ this deck is allergic to anything even approaching an FTK. Meanwhile, kid’s playing Frogs. Not Paleo-Frogs, not Frog Monarchs, just… Frogs. He crashes his Dupe Frog into my Smoke Ball, which procs Dupe’s graveyard effect. Then I hear those words every pro player is tired of hearing from newbie players: ‘I add Frog the Jam from my deck to my hand.’ I’m smiling, shaking my head, already calling a judge over, when the kid shows me his Dupe Frog. You know where you usually see the words ‘…except Frog the Jam’? There was nothing there. The only thing holding Frog the Jam back, keeping it at bay… gone.”
Konami is reportedly floating the idea of an emergency ban list this month to deal with Frog the Jam Turbo, inside sources suggest— but publicly, the publisher is sticking to their guns.
“We just want to see what it can do,” said a Konami representative. “Let the jam be free.”
When asked specifically how Frog the Jam was a meta threat despite having no effect and no apparent synergy with the Frog engine or actually any engine, the response from players was unanimous: “It attacks by croaking terribly.”
