Jeffrey Epstein, or Jeff as his friends called him before he definitely killed himself in prison, was by all accounts a bad man. Turns out a lot of rich and powerful people are bad because ole’ Jeffrey sure did have a lot of friends and associates join him on sex crime island. While the world waits with bated breath to see which celebrities are revealed to be on Epstein’s List, we here at Hard Drive wish to exist in a world where video game characters are real.

If video game characters were real, you can bet your bottom dollar that they would be rich and famous and that means one thing. They too would know Jeffrey Epstein. Some of them would even be on his list because let’s face it, not even our favorite game characters are immune to the evil temptations of wealth and power. These are video game characters we think would probably be on Epstein’s List. – Matt Fresh

Waluigi

Sure, he’s been featured in Mario Kart since 2004’s Mario Kart: Double Dash, but Waluigi has never been featured on a Super Smash Bros. roster. There’s a good reason for that. Waluigi looks out of place trading blows with the likes of Link and Mario on Wahu Island and instead looks more at home on Epstein’s Island with his overly groomed mustache, blocky grin, and orange snakeskin boots. We also can’t account for Waluigi’s whereabouts on the night of Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide.” – Nick Coffman

The Dog from Humanity

Upon first glance, you’d think this is just another good pup who needs a scratch on the head. That couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a very very bad boy. Before going legit and using his arrow powers to guide the masses through puzzles, this Shiba Inu used its powers to guide Jefferey Epstein’s guests to and from his island. This furry tour guide was also spotted on numerous walks with Epstein in Central Park. No boops for you, pooch. – Nick Coffman

Dr. Light/Dr. Wily

As was the case with many prominent scientists and tech figures looking for alternative research funding sources, the names of Doctors Light and Wily popped out to us while reading through the leak. One might be inclined to give Light the benefit of the doubt, but it’s worth asking what an isolated scientist making robot children might be doing in their spare time. – Mickey Nolan

Duke Nukem

Do I even need to explain this one? I mean come on, of course he would be – Matt Fresh

Villager

What better place to hide for a predator than inside a game that is played by millions of minors? This rich scumbag destroyed so many lives not only by selling heroin to kids, but also by being a frequent guest at Jeffrey’s sex crime block island. I wish this disgusting piece of trash burns in lava. -Matt Youngspruce

The Space Beetle from Thumper

This unexpected entry is sure to be a shock to those like me who are massive fans of the persistent Space Beetle from excellent “rhythm violence” game Thumper. But consider: Why is he running so fast? What (or who) is he running from?

The answer, unfortunately, is crimes. Horrible, nasty crimes. We love you space beetle, but you drift too tough. Your carapace too shiny. Your beat is too bad. They’ll kill you, space beetle. – Nik Theorin

V.II Snail

Deputy commander of the Vespers, the Arquebus Group’s augmented human squad, V.II Snail is a powerful, selfish, psychopathic AC pilot with a god complex, sacrificing his own troops on a whim and submitting the “vermin” around him to re-education. War crimes aside, however, Snail is on this list because he has a voice that just screams “I had a lovely steak dinner with Jeffrey Epstein and we had a lot to chat about”. Despicable. If you’ve played Armored Core VI, you already know the sound this guy is gonna make when that list comes out. – Nik Theorin

Zoo Tycoon

Anyone with the wealth to own dinosaurs and the desire to own mermaids is bound to kangaroo hop onto the PJ with Jeff. The mysterious figure has managed to remain unnamed for years, but evil like his could only remain in the shadows of a Thatched Shade Structure for so long. The titular Tycoon would surely see the lush flora of Little St. James and immediately begin drafting plans for a rhino and polar bear enclosure to drop the occasional child ‘guest’ into.

He and Epstein would eventually have a falling out after the Tycoon insists his buddy could build a rollercoaster to replace the Lolita Express, but instead uses the funds to create a giant maze that leads to the island’s only bathroom (and overpriced gift shop). – Kendall Plapp

Wilbur

Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ avian pilot, Wilbur, seems to keep his flight logs safely sequestered under lock and key. Sure, his brother, Orville, appears to keep his hands clean working the counter of DAL Airlines, but in Wilbur’s line of business, everyone knows not to mix work and family. Orville keeps his cushy job while staying outside the know. And trust me, Wilbur knows a lot.

This Dodo seems all too eager to jet set around to whatever Mystery Island Tour strikes his passengers’ fancy. While most of these trips may be for the purpose of locating rare bugs or attempting to recruit Raymond to visit one’s island, who’s to say that Wilbur would show any moral qualms with recruiting guests of a younger persuasion to visit islands at the behest of some other private employer? Though a seemingly far departure from the usual destination spots of Harv’s Island or Paradise Planning Archipelago, he holds a suspicious familiarity with the ports of St. Thomas. Not to mention skirting the local government and passport proceedings by virtue of his seaplane makes touchdown directly at Little St. James all the easier. A careful look at his ATC Transcripts reveals a deluge of carefully constructed pilot code, though communication with a passing “Delores Express” seem to unravel a bit more of the truth than Wilbur may like.

Despite the evidence though, this flightless feathered friend of fraternization has yet to be found guilty of any such crimes. Could this mean his innocence? Or could it be a certain wealthy benefactor of the much maligned Nook Incorporated has stepped in to sever any connection their privately-funded airlines might have with the case? If you ask me, it seems all too obvious that the Dodo wouldn’t be the true mastermind behind it all. –Trevor Hazell

Victor Sullivan

Victor “Goddamn” Sullivan is the quintessential dirty old man. He brought a hooker to church for goodness sake. This man has been around the shady block. He’s been treasure hunting, smuggling, and conning since before most of us were swimming towards the egg. Sully has been hanging around shifty individuals for at least 40 years, there’s no way that he and Epstein never crossed paths. As I said before, this guy brought a hooker to church, he’s a sick pervert who loves a good time so it stands to reason that he would take Epstein up on whatever sicko offers he had. Sully loves nothing more than exploring islands and getting some tail and Epstein gave him both. Victor “Goddamn” Sullivan is the Sean Connery of the PlayStation universe, we might love him but let’s face it, he’s definitely not a good guy and he’s definitely done sex crimes. They even had Mark Wahlberg play him in live action so you really know how not great of a guy he must be. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sully was the most frequent guest of Epstein Island and you shouldn’t be either. – Matt Fresh

Adrian Ripburger

A titan of the automotive manufacturing industry, Ripburger is the kind of morally flexible capitalist ol’ Jeffy loved to pal around with. As vice president of Corley Motors, Ripburger oversaw the widespread implementation of hover technology on Corley cars, and rumor is he plans to discontinue the famous line of Corley motorcycles in favor of hover minivans. Anyone planning to inflict that kind of cruelty on the world would be right at home on Little St. James. On top of that, Ripburger seems to have…unconventional plans for climbing the corporate ladder. And just look at his face. That is a man who doesn’t take no for an answer, a suggestion, or a defense. Who knows, maybe Epstein wanted Adrian to revamp the Lolita Express. Or maybe Epstein just misunderstood the nickname “Boy Wonder.” – Nick Ortolani

Albert Wesker

If there were two things Epstein loved, other than running an international pedophile ring linked to some of the most high profile people on the planet, it was weird secret police and ill-advised biological experiments. With Wesker, you get both! A double agent for the Umbrella Corporation, Wesker infiltrated the STARS team to recover samples of the T-Virus for…science? It’s hard to imagine Wesker chilling out with a bunch of weird sex-pests seeing as he’s maybe the most sexless guy to ever wear sunglasses 24/7. He honestly probably just gets off on being adjacent to cruelty. Either that or he’s helping Epstein with his weird penis freezing thing. Oh you didn’t know about Epstein’s weird penis freezing thing? Yeah Epstein wanted to freeze his penis after he died. So maybe Wesker’s figuring that out. Or turning it into a weird penis monster. – Nick Ortolani

Yoshi

It’s easy to believe horrible things about out-of-touch tycoons who control the world from ivory towers – it’s harder when it’s people we love.

It will be a sad day for Yoshi-stans when the lists are finally made public. We’ve all heard the rumors, many simply did not want to believe them. And that’s how the system survives – not just on bribes and power, but on wilful ignorance when complacency feels more convenient.

It’s easy when the villains are cartoonish caricatures stroking cats in a darkened lair. It’s harder when they’re a shell-spitting dinosaur you ride like a horse.

NBA Jam Superstar Bill Clinton

Bill “Slam Dunk” Clinton is mostly remembered for his time as a Small Forward on the Phoenix Suns, but he also had a habit of traveling to remote locations with shady businessmen. Of course, this doesn’t mean he’s guilty of any impropriety – and there’s nothing in his past that should bring his character into question. Unless you count awkward horn playing. At the very least, we can all agree he’s a notorious sax offender.

Either way, let’s examine the details. If you look at the flight logs from 2002 and 2003, you’ll see that — Ugh. Hold on one second – there’s a mysterious man in coveralls knocking at my door. Be right back.

Old Xehanort

While usually preoccupied with the battle between darkness and light, Xehanort has three different versions of himself, minimum, that can handle all those responsibilities. This gives the Kingdom Hearts antagonist the time for his favorite hobby: kidnapping children from their homes and sending them across the Disney multiverse. It’s easy to imagine Sora could’ve ended up on a certain New York financier’s island if the whim had struck Xehanort.

As a master manipulator, he could likely convince the children they wanted to be there, even pairing them up with a couple of cute animals to keep them company. – Christian Harrison

Moira

Moira likely doesn’t have much interest in kids – she wouldn’t have patience for their low intellect – she just wants access to Epstein and those in his circle. She wants their money so she can advance her research.

Simply put, Moira doesn’t have any moral compass and will cozy up to anybody with resources to offer. Talon or the pieces of garbage who frequented Epstein Island…it makes no difference. She wants to push humanity’s evolution forward, they want power and influence. Match made in vomit.

Moira could certainly convince some of the jet setters to be test subjects themselves. The thought of super powers and pumped up genetics would be too tempting for those who already have everything. And if some of these pigs suffer irreparable damage? Moira shrugs.

She’s also my main.

“Overwatch held back the pace of scientific discovery for decades. They believed my methods were too radical, too controversial. They tried to silence me. But there were others in the shadows, searching for ways to circumvent their rules. Freed from my shackles, the pace of our research hastened. Together we delved deeper into those areas forbidden by law, by morality, and by fear. New patrons emerged who possessed an appetite for my discoveries.” – Dan Katz

Tony Stark

“I don’t think this should come as a surprise to anyone who knows Tony Stark,” said a former Stark Industries employee who asked to remain anonymous. “The guy buzzes around the world in a robot suit killing omnipotent gods all day as a side gig, how else do you think a man with that kind of power gets his rocks off? He’s been hanging out around that Spider-Man kid — who’s just in high school — so the signs really should have been clear to anyone who was paying attention.” – Walker MacDonald

LEGO Yoda

People in the halls of power do little to defend the poor and unprivileged. They stand on platitudes of morality, but their inaction speaks volumes. This plastic little frog bastard let the Republic fall to the Sith, and nabbed children away from their families to make them soldiers of war; warping their minds by preaching a dogmatic, twisted translation of the Jedi Code. Where do you think he was finding all those Force sensitive children? Burn in Hell, you will, Yoda. –Ro Rovito

Tingle

Tingle is in Epstein’s flight logs, but not for the reasons you think. His main passions are flying around with a balloon and cartography. If a man with a lot of rupees offered Tingle a ride in a futuristic flying machine to an island he can explore and make maps of, how could he possibly refuse? Tingle insists he is merely an innocent victim of circumstance, and cannot possibly be a pedophile because before his visit he had no idea what sex was. -Ryan Mahan

The Naughty Dog from Naughty Dog

Sometimes they just hide in plain sight. Yes, there’s an actual dog always hard at work at Naughty Dog. We got double confirmation from both the Epstein list and this whistleblower who prefers to just go as Deep Ruckmann. He told us that the dog is responsible for every bad thing that has ever taken place inside the studio. D. Ruckmann even went as far as to confirm that all the cruelty towards dogs in The Last Of Us Part 2 is just a last-ditch way of protesting against this toxic employee. Maybe we should’ve seen it back in the days when the company logo turned into a topless woman out of nowhere. – Tiago Manuel

Tom Nook

A rich, soulless bastard with a fondness for islands. A description that applies to both Epstein and Tom Nook. It’s obvious that those two would’ve gotten along swimmingly. I mean, what else could he be doing with all those bells he charges for adding one room to your house? – Traye Holland

Every Cid in Final Fantasy history

Yep, every single one of them. The one you’re statistically likely to have as your favorite, Cid Highwind? Man, who do you think was piloting Epstein’s plane? Well, in all honesty, he actually took turns with the one from FFX and the one from FFIX. Fun fact: It turns out that CID isn’t even their real name, but just Square’s in-company code for people who do this kind of thing — the crime, not the piloting. Not that it would be silly for them all to have the same name, which most of them actually do. We’ll share every Cid’s real name by the same order that they kill themselves in jail. – Tiago Manuel

Pagan Min

I mean…right? I don’t think I’m taking too far of a leap with this opium dealer-turned politician-turned-coup organizer-turned-ruler with a penchant for intellectualizing the everything he does to hide the fact that he uses casual violence to stay in-power. Even his penchant for camp flair seems more like the affectations of someone trying hard to be quirky and off-putting rather than someone genuinely delighting in all life has to offer. He seems like the type who wouldn’t necessarily be into everything going on, but who makes a huge deal about how “unphased” or “unmoved” he is by all of it. And hell, they made DLC for Far Cry 6 trying to make him sympathetic, and I have a feeling a lot of “redemptive arcs” that fall totally flat are incoming.

–Corey Arder

Bob Page

Look. This one’s easy. He’s an all-powerful world leader, with massive political ties, tied to basically every conspiracy known to man. He is, quite literally, in-game, a member of the Illuminati and one of the leaders of the canonical New World Order. You know that EVERY member of Majestic 12 is on Epstein’s list without a doubt. He is the Bill Gates of the Deus Ex universe. Deus Ex: Pizzagate will be released one day, trust me. (if the feds at Square Enix allow it, of course.) – Rebecca Kimpel

Caleb Goldman

The least enthusiastic main villain in the history of gaming. This guy had been in too deep, for far too long. His heart wasn’t in the game anymore, and he was fully aware of what he was doing. Goldman even out-Epsteins Epstein himself by jumping off a building before going to prison. Farewell, friend. – Tiago Manuel

Jonathan Irons

It’s not a shock that powerful people make this list. They have the money. They have the access. And in this case, they have the voice and computer-generated face of Kevin Spacey, former acting A-Lister and accused sexual predator who has already been reported to have flown on the “Lolita Express” by Epstein’s former pilot during Ghislaine Maxwell’s 2021 trial. So taking the leap that gaming villain Jonathan Irons, played by Hollywood villain Spacey, might have also crossed paths with the deceased criminal isn’t beyond the realm of possibility. One’s a disgraced wealthy elite whose enemies wind up dead, and the other one’s the main antagonist in 2014’s COD: Advanced Warfare. Need we say more? We would like to, but our lawyers warned us not to get sued for libel, so we’d better stop here. – Doug Kolic

Solid Snake

Snake isn’t even a creep or anything, but there are only so many planes you can blindly sneak into via cardboard box before ending up in some absolute whack places. It also doesn’t help that he landed on Epstein’s island before shaving off his pervy MGS4 mustache. – Tiago Manuel

Darpa Chief

Darpa Chief Donald Anderson, the head of one of the most advanced military tech companies, was found on Epstein’s flight logs. This guy is a full-on weirdo. He can’t shut up about how he isn’t the real Darpa Chief and had us using his one phonecall to contact Macdonnel Miller, a highly decorated Militaire Sans Frontères officer. Though we contacted him out of nowhere, he was kind enough to quickly shift from a hard British accent to a more understandable American one to confirm that Anderson is indeed innocent. Weird, as he was scanned at a top-of-the-line facility, and the experts concluded that a hypothetical impersonator would have to be imitating this man down to his genetic code. While We’d never doubt Miller’s honesty, we’re pretty sure Anderson is lying and there’s no way that any real criminal is getting away scot-free this time around. – Tiago Manuel

Mr. House

Mr. House lives at the top of a Casino no one is allowed in without permission, he has an army of securitons protecting him, and he’s rich as hell. This guy is shady and he’d get along famously with ol Jeff. I wouldn’t be surprised if he used the Lucky 38 for some of their special “parties”. Of course behind the screen this guy is just a weird little creep so I don’t think he could fly to Epstein’s secret island, but I’m sure he’d have special guests delivered to him. Especially if they had a platinum chip. –Brendan Osorio