Lara Croft Accused of Setting Unrealistic Body Expectations for Archaeologists

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Popular video game character Lara Croft of Tomb Raider has come under fire, accused of setting unrealistic body expectations for active archeologists. 

“It has to stop. We are speaking up as a precedent to end body-shaming and promote body-positivity among archeologists,” director Cecil Dwyers of the Society for American Archaeology said in a statement. “It’s hard to believe, but this single video game character has led to so much suffering among our members. The cases of body dysmorphia have gone through the roof, not to mention the reported increase in therapy. Frankly, I blame the improved graphics. This was never a problem in Lara Croft’s ‘triangle boobs’ era.”

The pressure is felt by many across the field, including archeologist Louisa Altmeyer. 

“It’s hard enough spending all day in active dig-sites with a trowel in my hand, now we have to keep up with Lara Croft?” Altmeyer complained from her trailer in the high desert. “These excavation sites aren’t exactly glamorous, nothing like the destinations she explores. “Not only is there constant travel, but the early hours are a slog. How am I supposed to have a killer bod and toned abs if I spend most of my time writing grant proposals to secure additional funding? Not all of us can be out there sword-fighting skeletons or rappelling into tombs like Lara Croft.” 

Crystal Dynamics COO William Rochet addressed the controversy head on. 

“We hear you, and we need to do better. These archaeologist broads have really worn me down. So I guess we’re acknowledging the criticism, which is why Lara will be adjusted to reflect the so-called struggles of modern archeologists. Our current game will be updated to equip Croft with standard fieldwork attire, including long-sleeved flannel and baggy cargo pants under a high-visibility vest – all to completely obscure her body shape. The new Tomb Raider gameplay will focus on surveying landscapes or thoroughly documenting artifacts, featuring a more relatable Lara Croft furnished with a Patagonia sun hat and Gore-Tex boots.”

At press time, Crystal Dynamics are reportedly looking to phase out Lara Croft from the franchise and replace her with Eileen Schermerhorn, a middle-aged archeologist with sleep apnea and a bad knee.

Ouija Board Bought on Craigslist Gives ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL’ Error on First Try

Posted on by Matt Youngspruce

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A local man has learnt the dangers of buying used products online as a Ouija board he bought off of Craigslist was delivered to him broken.

38-year-old construction worker, Steve Canvas, bought the Ouija board that he immediately noticed was in faulty condition.

“Look, I just wanted to talk to my dead dog, Rusty, and I read online that the best way to contact the dead is by using a Ouija board. I found one for 2 dollars on Craigslist. The price should have been a red flag, along with the seller’s username, ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch.’ But what can you do? I was missing Rusty so much,” said Canvas to the local news.

After receiving the item in the mail, Canvas sadly found that the Ouija board did not work.

“I got the damn thing wrapped in tinfoil. I was like, ‘This is not good…’ but I gave it a try. You know, I trust people; I’m not going to judge ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch’ just because the dude had a funny name. My dog’s name was ‘Rusty,’ for goodness’ sake. Anyway, I got my hands on the damn thing, and the first thing it did was give me this message: ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL.’ I tried and tried, but it always showed the same message. That’s not Rusty. Rusty would never say anything but ‘Give me sausages.’”

When asked for a comment ”Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch” replied,

”Hell yeah bröther!!!”

Steve says he contacted Ouija customer support but says they were less than helpful.

“They told me to boot it from a Ouija Boot Board but I don’t have one. Then they said they would send me a Ouija board with a boot file that he can use to clean install a new Ouija 11 operating system. But the install keeps getting stuck.”

At press time, Steve was reportedly seen starting a seance in his home to try fixing the issue but neighbors could see a bright blue light emanating from his home indicating he once again failed.

RFK Jr Revealed to be Elaborate Kojima Marketing Bit

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — In a shocking, albeit not that surprising in hindsight, turn of events, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been revealed to be another one of Hideo Kojima’s elaborate forms of marketing.

The reveal happened at the end of one of RFK Jr’s signature strange livestreams as he was eating honey from an active beehive while telling the story of how he once killed a Chupacabra. 

“Was I frightened when I was confronting the Chupacabra? Of course I was but that fear fueled me and made me stronger than any man has ever been,” claimed Kennedy in his signature hoarse voice. “I became so strong that I tapped into a part of my DNA that made me transcend my own humanity and with the help of the nanomachines that were injected in me long ago I was able to telepathically control all the insects in the forest to help me defeat the mighty beast before I consumed its heart and absorbed its power for myself.”

It was at this moment when the livestream began to have apparent technical issues as it started cutting in and out before fading to the Kojima Productions logo. Hideo Kojima himself then came onscreen to reveal the ruse.

“What happens when the strange becomes normal? What happens when those in power are more monster than man? What happens when fear and confusion become the driving force of humanity? These are the questions that I will be exploring in my next project, an action thriller starring Charlee Fraser as a young woman forced to fight against a corrupt politician who abuses the laws of nature to threaten what it means to be human and all we take for granted. Thank you.”

The announcement sent the gaming world into a frenzy, with many claiming it all makes perfect sense in hindsight.

“OMG OMG OMG NEW KOJIMA GAME!!!!! RFK Jr. was never real, just a way to announce the game. I can’t believe we never figured it out, this man is talking in that voice, discussing killing bears and taking videos covered in bugs. No human acts like that, only Kojima characters,” wrote Twitter user FatSkinnyMan.

At press time, many gamers are claiming that this new Kojima game is actually a rework of the previously announced PS5 game Abandoned.

Indie Comics Interview: Garth Ennis on His New Sword & Sorcery Book ‘Babs’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I can’t do much better for an introduction to Babs than the first page of the comic:

“And so came Babs… raven-haired, suspicious-minded, wielder of an okay sword… fair of face yet shit of luck, a wanderer, a mercenary, a goblin-stomper and a dragon-dodger.”

Out this week from Ahoy Comics, Babs is a new sword & sorcery comic created by Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows. The team has previously collaborated on Avatar Comics’ Crossed and The Chronicles of Wormwood, Marvel’s Punisher: Soviet, and last year’s indie horror/police drama The Ribbon Queen.

Ennis is best-known at the moment for his 2006-2012 superhero parody The Boys, which was adapted into the currently-running Amazon TV show. Before that, Ennis built a reputation with comics like Preacher, Hitman, and a long run on Hellblazer.

Most of Ennis’s best-known books are action, horror, and/or historical fiction, but he’s branched out in recent years to virtually every genre there is. Babs is Ennis’ first fantasy comic, as well as a comparatively gentle comedy.

I should note that the word “comparatively” is doing a lot of work in that sentence. This is an Ennis/Burrows collaboration, so we only have to wait a few pages for our first evisceration. On the plus side, the worst of the violence so far is reserved exclusively for leprechauns. It’s a victimless crime.

Issue #1 introduces us to Babs, a broke mercenary with a bad reputation, a magical sword with a bad attitude, and a horse that might be smarter than she is.

When Babs pummels a bar full of bitter goblin incels, they set out to seek revenge. Meanwhile, Babs has problems of her own, not least of which is her uncomfortable scale-mail halter top.

Ahoy’s PR team let me read Babs #1 ahead of time and send in a few questions for Ennis. The following interview has been slightly edited.

So as of now, Babs is an ex-princess swordswoman against a bunch of mediocre dipshits who’re [spoilers for issue #1 redacted]. What else do you have planned for the series?

Undead army, crappest knight in the realm, wizard with a peculiar method of spell casting, ship full of saucy elves sailing the seas of sex.

A careful reread will reveal that Babs never actually qualified as a princess, and that there’s nothing mediocre about the dipshits’ dipshittery. They do in fact take Olympic gold.

Babs is a piss-take on Red Sonja and the greater “wandering mercenary” archetype. Out of all the various sub-genres of fantasy, why’d you start with this?

It began with the title, really. Babs the Barbarian. Seemed like a winner.

For that matter, why Sonja and not Conan, who’s been much more in the forefront in the last few years? Was it just for the sillier outfit?

I find Conan pretty boring and humorless, a giant “pituitary retard” (thank you, Bill Hicks) wandering around scowling and being grim. Somehow I could see a woman having just enough self-awareness not to take all the genre nonsense too seriously, but not a man—or not an oaf of the Conan variety, anyway.

It’s worth noting that I find Red Sonja pretty lifeless too. The comparisons with Babs go no more than skin deep.

I was looking around online, and saw that you’re generally not a fantasy fan except for Hawk the Slayer, which in turn is what led you to Babs. Out of pure curiosity, what is it about Hawk that passes muster, compared to the rest of the field?

I probably saw it at just the right age. But I think in a genre that generally takes itself far too seriously, Hawk succeeds with a certain naive charm. I should say that there are other sword & sorcery stories I like, such as Sláine in 2000AD, Stormbringer, and The Hobbit.

I like Lord of the Rings as well, at least until about halfway through when Tolkien convinces himself he’s writing Great Art and all the thou and thy stuff comes in, the hobbits become halflings, etc.

What led to the notion of the “incel goblins” as antagonists? Just a natural follow-through from the concept of internet trolls?

They seem the type. Orcs and goblins and crawling things in caves. Gollum would be the most obvious example.

I’ve noted that in the last decade or so, you’ve been branching out to make comics for virtually every genre besides superheroes, such as romantic comedy (A Train Called Love), space/cosmic horror (Caliban), children’s books (Erf), straight-up crime (Red Team), and now fantasy. Is there a genre you haven’t hit yet that you’ve got plans for?

Not sure there are any others, are there? I’ve also done westerns, horror and a ton of war stories. Going to be plenty more of the latter.

In your recent work, you’ve made a real effort to write more stories with female protagonists: A Walk Through Hell, The Ribbon Queen, arguably A Train Called Love (Valerie seems more central to that book than anybody else), and Marjorie Finnegan. I’m curious what, if anything in particular, spurred this.

I just like writing women. Sometimes I think Sigourney Weaver casts a long shadow; you didn’t often see women survive movies like that in those days, and I saw it at an impressionable age.

The comics I was reading had some good female characters too, like Judges Anderson and Hershey, Purity Brown and Durham Red, and in particular Nina Petrova. They were the kind of women who didn’t need men to help them.

Gabe Newell Declines Generous Threesome Offer

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Bellevue, Wash. – Following previous reports that Gabe Newell had been propositioned by a local couple for a threesome, Newell has confirmed that he turned down the generous offer.

Newell cited his guiding principles which led to him turning down the deal in a Twitch stream. 

“This couple’s been trying to get me to participate with them for the last 17 years,” Newell said, stroking his sexy beard with his even sexier hand. “It’s not that I’m opposed to ever having a threesome, but if I’m going to do it I want to reinvent the threesome as we know it. I want to change the threesome game to the point where you can’t help but think of me as you’re preparing to penetrate your partners.”

Newell’s stream continued with him discussing his previous works and how they revolutionized numerous bedroom endeavors.

“No one was sitting on their hands before I did it. I don’t like to brag about it, but I invented ‘The Stranger’,” Gabe bragged. “Then years later, I followed up that innovation with sex that changed the way we thought about physics in sex. The movement and the gravity involved were revolutionary. Each of my lovers came away from it a new person.”

These words echoed across the internet as many learned what most already assumed to be true about the very sexy billionaire. Not all agreed though, as one of Newell’s former lovers took to r/OffMyChest to detail their love affair with the Valve Co-Founder.

“For a guy who co-founded Valve, he sure did struggle to find my valve. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but it would have been better if he’d stop trying to innovate and spend more time in the moment,” user GabenUpOnLove wrote on Reddit. “Gabe is a beautiful spirit and I think of him often while I’m in the throes of passion. I just hope he knows he doesn’t need to reinvent the threesome and can just enjoy it for what it is.”

At press time Newell had decided to revisit a classic and proceeded to sit on both of his sexy hands. 

New Study Confirms Falling Birth Rate Directly Caused by Atreus

Posted on by Matt Fresh

BETHESDA, Md. — A new study by the National Institutes of Health has confirmed that the decline of global birth rates has been directly caused by Atreus of the God of War series.

The rapid decline of birth rates across the globe, especially in wealthier nations has been a problem that has stumped experts until now.

“There are so many possible factors involved in a problem as widespread as this that it really could have come down to anything,” said head NIH researcher Yarden Angel. The big breakthrough for us was when we noticed 2 very similar dips a few years apart. We tried to find what two events occurred within the timeframes that could be a cause and when we realized the first dip happened a couple weeks after God of War released for the PS4 it wasn’t hard to figure out that the even steeper drop four years later was God of War Ragnarök.”

Angel says that after careful research, cross data examination, and focus group tests, they determined that the element of both of these games that caused the decline is Atreus.

“We looked at all the data we had, we cross-checked everything with data that game researchers had and we had focus groups come in. The logical conclusion that we came to and that was confirmed by our research is that Atreus is the main cause of declining birth rates since 2018. Even people who didn’t play those games were still so annoyed by Atreus that they decided to never have children for fear they would turn out like him. That character may well be the cause of the greatest population crisis in human history.”

Upon the study being published, gamers came out in mass to declare how much sense it makes in hindsight.

“I always knew that the reason I never wanted kids is because of that annoying little twerp. But I assumed that was just me and the reception to him was generally positive. It all makes perfect sense now because honestly who would ever want children after they’ve spent hours trying to enjoy a God of War game while being incessantly badgered by an annoying kid who never shuts up,” wrote user TiltedTowerofPisa on Twitter.

“Me and my wife were expecting our first born while we played through Ragnarök and once we finished it we went out and got her an abortion so I’m really not surprised by this study,” tweeted user KDGamer

At press time, NIH claim that if Santa Monica Studio do not drastically rework Atreus’ character for the third game, the population may never recover.

Krafton Digs Lightly Used Tango Gameworks Out of Microsoft Dumpster

Posted on by Nick Coffman

REDMOND, Wash. — Tango Gameworks’ shuttering has been reversed after Krafton CEO, Changhan Kim, found the game studio in a dumpster behind Microsoft’s headquarters. Kim discovered the recently tossed out game developer while doing his monthly dumpster dive of competing publishers.

“Look at this, they just threw out the entire studio. It’s still got that up-and-coming studio smell,” Kim said as he pulled another coder from the dumpster. “Wow, a full set of coders. You clean these up and get them fed and you can easily get another twenty to thirty years out of them. Holy crap—there’s a brand-new game designer in here. He’s still got his HR training folder and everything.” 

Kim’s search lasted hours as he pulled Tango Gameworks out piece-by-piece. Kim’s efforts yielded an entire Q/A department, an assortment of audio and visual artists, and “Hi-Fi Rush” Lead Director, John Johanas, the latter of which left Kim a bit disappointed.

“This John Johanas is like new, but I can’t use him if I don’t have the IP,” Kim said, dusting a banana peel off Johanas’ head. “I see it all too often with these publishers. They extract the IP from these little shops before discarding them. It sucks ‘Hi-Fi Rush’ isn’t out here, but a free studio is a free studio. I can find something for them to work on in the PUBG Extended Universe.”

Kim’s prolonged search eventually attracted the attention of Xbox administrators, who were not too keen on competition digging through their trash. CEO of Microsoft Gaming, Phil Spencer, approached the impromptu treasure hunt with heated words for Kim.

“You can’t just steal our trash for nothing,” Spencer said, wearing a “Hi-Fi Rush” t-shirt as he approached the dumpster. “If you really want this studio, make me an offer that rocks my Voodoo Vince socks. Make it a sweet enough offer and I might be nice enough to throw in an IP or two. Just remember, this is an up-and-coming studio with a high trajectory. ‘Hi-Fi Rush’ was a breakout hit for us and our players in all key measurements and expectations. We couldn’t be happier with what the team at Tango Gameworks delivered with this surprise release. So, how much are they worth to you?”

At press time, Kim had turned his attention to the dumpsters at Sony’s campus, hoping to scrounge up some near-mint Bungie concept artists.

HBO Executive Kills Off Promising New Animated Series and the Animator That Came up With It

Posted on by Harpal Khosla

LOS ANGELES — In an effort to make sure quality work does not continue, HBO executives have killed off a promising new animated series and, for good measure, the animator that came up with the idea in the first place.

“Anything creative or interesting has no right to continue on our network, or for that matter in this corporeal plane,” says HBO Executive Anthony Frunze. “It’s not personal at all. It’s just against HBO’s culture to put out quality, innovative animation. In fact, I didn’t even watch it. I just heard people saying a lot of nice things, and I have never heard people describe me that way so I blacked out. The next thing I knew I was standing over the body of a talented, lifeless animator.” 

The animator’s body was found by an individual who wished to be identified as Tyler Kim, who claimed to have worked on the show. The corpse was clutching a very unique character concept for what would have been introduced in the show’s second season. 

“I really loved working on this project. I remember when we were working on the climax of the show it made me cry and laugh out loud and that’s when I knew that our lives were in danger,” said Kim. “I’m currently on the run, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I’m just glad I didn’t get a producer credit on this. It puts me lower on the kill list.”

Expert employee killer and former Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun was shocked at the news.

“I understand killing for profit or personal gain, that’s just human, but to destroy art is unfathomable and monstrous,” said Calhoun. “Art helps us heal from our spiritual wounds and loss. Like the death of the only ethical employees at Boeing. That hit me hard, when I made that happen, and this TV show really helped me get through it.”

At press time, Anthony Frunze was observed cocking a gun and entering a pitch meeting.

Pip-Boy Adds Screen Asking for Tip

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

NEW VEGAS — A remote update has added a new, mandatory tipping interface to RobCo’s ubiquitous Pip-Boy device, sources confirm.

“I was just trying to get rid of a Radscorpion infestation on my farm,” said Dylan Wyatt, a local homesteader. “I encountered an individual who seemed up to the task. They went by some kind of try-hard pseudonym; I can’t quite remember it. ‘The Lone Dweller,’ or maybe ‘The Vault Courier.’ That should have a red flag. In any case, we came to what I thought was a reasonable agreement regarding payment for the job. Imagine my surprise when he came back after killing the scorpions, turned his Pip-Boy’s screen over to me, and said, ‘It’s just gonna ask you a few questions.’ He wouldn’t even make eye contact after that. He knew what he was doing.”

One Pip-Boy user, who wished to remain nameless, argued that he had no choice but to follow the device’s prompts.

“Look, I’m not happy with this system, either,” said the survivor, who was alone, “but that’s just the way it works. When I’m closing out a transaction at the end of a mission, the tip screen just comes up automatically. I’m not trying to make anyone feel obligated to tip. I guess I could click through the screen myself, but, like, what if they think I did an especially good job defending a settlement? They should have an option to tip, right? And it’s not like that’s the only question they have to answer. They need to select if they want their receipt printed, through text, or through email.”

Cultural observers noted potential misunderstandings.

“Well, it’s obviously not a ‘thing’ to tip in ghoul culture,” said Callum Sweet, self-proclaimed folk-sociologist from Megaton. “They just don’t understand the practice, so when you flash this fancy screen in their face, it drives them mad. In my opinion, it’s the number one cause of feral ghouls. RobCo was really irresponsible with this update.”

Several commentators wondered about the potential fallout that this type of Pip-Boy software might cause in Europe, but as of press time, there is simply no official way of knowing.

Boxing Gold Medalist Wrongly Accused of Having Unfair Advantage

Posted on by Matt Fresh

PARIS — Controversy has overtaken the world of Olympic Boxing as recent Gold Medal winner Matt is facing harassment after being wrongly accused of having an unfair advantage over his competitors. 

Both Matt and his coaches have come out with statements condemning the accusations. 

“I want to make it very clear that Matt did not have an unfair advantage over any of his opponents and he definitely isn’t overtuned,” claimed head coach Kazuchika Takeshita who moonlights as a Nintendo game developer. “Matt is simply an elite level boxer and the only advantage he has is his opponents lack of skill. If his opponents spent more time getting good instead of making baseless accusations maybe they would have done better.”

Matt himself is planning on pursuing legal action over what he claims is defamation.

“To see everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve be trivialized by these false accusations is heartbreaking and fills me with rage. I have looked into my legal options, my coach knows some great lawyers at Nintendo who are all too happy to help. I’ve tried so many sports before finding my calling in boxing. I’m absolutely terrible at tennis and baseball but boxing, that’s my calling. I’m a multiple time champion and I even spend my off time coaching the next generation of boxers that I then destroy.”

Despite all the evidence pointing to Matt simply being an extraordinarily skilled boxer, some are continuing to believe the ridiculous and baseless claims about him.

“I trained with Matt for a while and under his guidance I was able to breeze through most of my competition before facing him for the championship and he hit me with absolutely unreal combos right out of the gate,” claimed Jackson Hale on Twitter. “I couldn’t defend myself, I couldn’t get a hit in and even when I did he just kept coming. I was a champion in several other sports by the time I fought him and he still handled me like a ragdoll. It definitely wasn’t me not being good, he was just unfair, I was fighting in the Mii League but he fights like a Punch-Out boss. His presence is bad for the integrity of the sport.”

At press time, many of those who have been relentlessly harassing Matt online are reporting that they are extremely distraught and offended over being told they should simply git gud.