Hideo Kojima Brings Scanner To MET Gala

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — Under the guise of “research” for the sequel to the popular and enigmatic video game Death Stranding, noted game designer and head of Kojima Productions, Hideo Kojima, was spotted with what appeared to be a full-body scanner at this year’s MET Gala, per multiple reports.

“I am always looking for inspiration, everywhere I go.” Kojima told the press. “Which celebrities’ likenesses will appear in my next game? Even I am unsure. That is why I always come prepared with my scanner, so that at any moment, I am able to adapt a real-life star into the digital world. Will it make sense as a part of Death Stranding 2’s story? Of that, there is also no telling. Sometimes I just ask Lea Seydoux to show up, and she does. Ah, your question was about who I’m wearing? I do not know. Now, who I am scanning…that is more concerning to me. …Oh, there is Ana de Armas. I must go. Thank you very much.”

Multiple A-listers on the Gala’s red (or rather, blue) carpet found Kojima’s behavior confusing, assuming that the scanner was simply a part of his attire for the evening.

“Yeah, we didn’t really know what the hell that was.” commented comedian and actress Ego Nwodim, who co-hosted the Gala’s red carpet livestream with singer-songwriter Teyana Taylor. “Teyana and I were asking him for the inspiration behind his jet black suit when he cut in and asked if either one of us minded being scanned. He had this giant, like, futuristic-looking device with him, I don’t even know how to describe it. We thought it was just an accessory, like the piano Andre 3000 was wearing. He didn’t even tell us what it was for, so we said no. It was a really awkward TV moment. But then again, those happen all the time on SNL.”

Among the celebrities that agreed to be scanned was pop star Sabrina Carpenter, who shared her experience speaking with the celebrated game developer.

“I don’t know, it was kind of flattering, I guess. He told me I have a beautiful smile and asked if I’d agree to be scanned and ‘put into a video game.’ I’d heard of him before and I just did that with Fortnite, so I do have some experience. He seemed very grateful. I just held my arms out spread-eagle and his, uh, doohickey scanned me up and down. It took an extra long amount of time to scan my feet… a little kinky, but I don’t mind that.”

At press time, Kojima was seen analyzing his newly-scanned celebrities and showing the digital renderings to Norman Reedus at their gala table.

Trans Girl Devastated After Discovering That Estrogen Doesn’t Give You Superhuman Mountain Climbing Abilities

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

VICTORIA, British Columbia — A trans girl looking to climb Mount Celeste was left heartbroken today, after realizing her Estrogen injections didn’t grant her extraordinary mountain climbing abilities.

“I don’t get it,” said Lena Raine after attempting a “mid-air” dash and falling into a nearby pile of snow. “Where are my enhanced jumping abilities? My wall-climbing powers? Where are the magical blocks that can teleport me from one place to another? I’m beyond happy to be transitioning. I was just hoping I’d be able to sprint for longer than three seconds before collapsing.”

According to frequent climbers, Lena Raine isn’t the first trans girl to visit the mountain.

“You see it all the time,” said hardcore mountaineer Maddy Thorson. “I don’t know what it is, but trans girls are just drawn to this place. Some of them just want to climb, but others come looking for something. I caught a few of them digging through the snow for strawberries. One of them even showed up with a jellyfish parachute?”

With rumors about the platforming abilities of estrogen continuing to circulate, medical professionals have since stepped in to clarify matters.

“I’m afraid the science is still out on this one,” explained Dr. Mario Boulder. “But rest assured that we’re hard at work ensuring only those who need gender-affirming care can get their hands on this medicine. Namely, fascist freaks with receding hairlines.”

At press time, a slew of wealthy individuals were offering up massive bounties in exchange for “magical Estrogen”.

Selection of New Pope Delayed as Cardinals Try to Navigate Ancient Puzzle Room

Posted on by Peter Cunis

VATICAN CITY — Following the passing of Pope Francis, the College of Cardinals have assembled in Vatican City to elect a new supreme pontiff. The cardinals are to hold a daily conclave in the Sistine Chapel, voting on the candidates every day until they reach a two-thirds consensus. However, reports from the Vatican say that the conclaves have been facing delays as the cardinals struggle to work their way through the Sistine Chapel’s ancient and mysterious puzzle rooms. 

“People assume we just put our votes in a basket or something,” said Cardinal Tagle of the Phillipines in a statement to the Vatican News, “Nothing could be further from the truth. We each have to enter the underground trial chambers, two at a time, then vote using the Holy Ballots of Saint Peter, which are all made from stone and locked securely inside the subterranean tomb of Pope Julius II.”

When asked to elaborate on this subterranean tomb, Cardinal Tagle explained, “The history books say that Michelangelo never completed the elaborate tomb of Pope Julius, which was to be flanked by statues called The Dying, The Rebellious Slave, and Moses. The truth is, the tomb actually was completed in secret under the Sistine Chapel, but the statues all face east, and in order to retrieve the tablets, you have to pull a series of chains to make them all face west, and each chain is at the end of a different hallway, and…” then Tagle trailed off, sighed, and threw up his hands in a “what-can-you-do” gesture. 

Emerging from the Sistine Chapel on the first day of the conclave, covered in soot and scars, Cardinal Gumbert of Rhode Island spoke of his experience to a journalist from First Things magazine.

“So it turns out, just to get to the tomb, we have to undergo an agility test. I’m not in the best shape, so I was, in fact, badly burned by flamethrower traps,” coughed Gumbert, “I may also have been nicked by a swinging saw blade. Since that blade was installed under instruction of Giovannino de Dolci in 1483, I am almost certainly infected with something horrible.”

“Oh, and I found the Holy Grail down there,” continued Gumbert, “But I needed to fill it with molten metal and place it on a pedestal to make a shield rotate in place. It’s…hard to explain.”

In a statement on their official website, the Holy See reported that the conclave was expected to continue meeting until “at least one cardinal gets really good at swinging across gaps with a bullwhip.”

Elon Announces Further Delay in Full Self Awareness

Posted on by Ted Kindig

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk, mascot and “co-founder” of throwback automotive company Tesla, disappointed shareholders yesterday by announcing further delays to his development of full self awareness.

“It’s not going to happen this year,” the social-media-addicted fifty-something father of at least fourteen reported on an earnings call, “but I am confident that my cognitive and emotional shortcomings, my deep-set trauma and lifetime of disturbed coping mechanisms, and the basic fact that I am an adult man whose actions have consequences will all become clear to me by the second quarter of next year. Third at the latest.”

“I am aware, for example, that people hate me,” he continued, pausing interminably before speculating that this was likely due to his status as a “deadly threat” to a perceived “woke mind parasite” and the “humans” it allegedly “controls,” referring to the estimated 53% of Americans that, according to recent CNN/SSRS polling, think he’s a clown-ass bitch.

This theory was met by angry murmurs, audible groans, and at least two distinct come-the-fuck-ons from investors on the call. Hundreds of thousands likely to die in immiserated poverty due to unfulfilled U.S.A.I.D. commitments, each of them as individually real as Elon himself and made of the same stardust, were not invited to comment.

Many Tesla stakeholders expressed disappointment at the delay. 

“When I first bought my Model X, I expected Elon to deliver some semblance of self awareness at some point,” said an anonymous former fan with a paper bag over his head. “It’s been years since he called that cave-diving hero a pedo, and then he got into the Trump shit, and now there’s a gaming rig in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. We’ve clearly hit a hardware plateau.”

Other commenters adopted a glass half full attitude toward the delay. 

“If anyone can achieve full awareness someday, it’s Elon,” tweeted podcaster Lex Fridman. “The more we can love and cherish and express empathy for billionaire authoritarian psychopaths, the more we can…” at which point this reporter punched a hole through his iMac and was unable to finish reading the tweet.

Despite claiming substantial progress, at press time, Musk was reportedly still asking a couple DOGE interns if they’d seen Tiger King yet and bragging that he could score them some beers.

Pursuer Enemies in Video Games Ranked by Our Sexual Tension

Posted on by Nik Theorin

Whether it’s stalking you through the corridors of a spaceship, chasing you down at the speed of a brisk walk, or searching every human-sized locker in hopes of stealing a secret glance, pursuer enemies in video games are as common as empty promises in an E3 trailer. Known for their dogged pursuit, nigh-invincibility, and unwillingness to simply take a hint, pursuer or “roaming” enemies exist to apply pressure on the player throughout a level and introduce tension with every far-off stomp or suspiciously timed in-game tutorial informing you what the Run button is. While these enemies come in many shapes and sizes—from small and lanky to thick and tanky—one thing unites them all: they want me bad. These freaks will not be sated until they have me in their arms, breathless and mewling like the fans on a PS5 approaching hour two of Ghost of Tsushima. With that fact in mind, here is every pursuer enemy in video games ranked by our sexual tension.

#25: Debilitas: Haunting Ground

Starting off at the bottom of the list, we have a character so unobjectifiable he threatens to kill the joke right off the bat. Haunting Ground, the 2005 cult classic that features not one but four unique stalker enemies throughout the course of gameplay, throws a wrench in the works with its first enemy Debilitas, a homunculus with the mind of a child and a name as subtle as an elephant. Despite his large physique and himbo potential, Debilitas and I have no sexual tension whatsoever on account of 1) his ambiguous sexual intentions toward the game’s protagonist Fiona, and 2) the fact that he is clearly mentally disabled in that unspecified, vaguely offensive video game way. Maybe in another life, Debilitas.

#24: EMMI: Metroid Dread

The EMMI may be sleek and suspiciously, tantalizingly flexible, but unless you’re a top engineer at Google who thinks your algorithm is in love with you, it’s going to take a lot of convincing for most people to get greasy with an AI.

#23: Sausage Dog: Animal Well

Now, is the unassuming sausage dog in Animal Well a roaming pursuer in any legitimate sense? No. Would it be an understatement to say the moment he follows you into the maze of tunnels too small for every other dog scared me more than any encounter with Mr. X? Yes. That said, for the purposes of this list, he is quite literally a dog, and I’m not about to condone that in the Hard Drive name.

#22: Lorenzo: Haunting Ground

The second pursuer enemy on this list from Haunting Ground, Lorenzo is a pervy old man in a wheelchair who straight-up crawls on the ground after Fiona during his chase sequences. If that wasn’t kinky enough for you freaks, he’s also Fiona’s grandfather who watches her change through a peephole in one cutscene, a powerful reminder that video games don’t quite do it like they did in 2005. His only redeeming quality comes late game when he cleans up nice thanks to alchemical immortality and a haircut that I can only describe as Ganon-esque. There’s something about a man groveling after you that I can’t ignore, but one-sided sexual tension isn’t “tension” any more than “Dave Chappelle” is a “comedian”.

#21: Super-Fast Invincible Anti-Piracy Scorpion: Serious Sam 3: BFE

Although you wouldn’t know it on account of the fact that the video game Serious Sam 3: BFE charges rent to live in your head for any more than five minutes, the 2011 Serious Sam prequel game isn’t horror. That said, it does have a notorious anti-piracy measure that makes it worthy of this list. If the game detects a pirated copy, it spawns in a super-fast, invincible red scorpion enemy that zooms toward you at the speed of a child in Heelys as soon as the game starts, making escape near-impossible. Though it has two massive chain guns in place of arms and an understandably unhappy second face where his groin should be, we love a man who knows what he wants.

#20: Ustanak: Resident Evil 6

He wishes he had what X and I have.

#19: Slender Man: Slender: The Eight Pages

There’s something will-they-won’t-they about Slender: The Eight Pages. Does he want me? Does he hate me? Is sexual tension possible with a lumpy 3D model that has less fidelity than Elon Musk? One day Slender Man and I will finally consummate our game of cat and mouse with a sloppy makeout sesh behind the oil tanks, but until then, that emotionless mashed potato face betrays nothing.

#18: SOMETHING TRULY EVIL: World of Horror

SOMETHING TRULY EVIL is a nameless entity encountered in World of Horror, a work of profound Junji Ito fan service. It can appear in any number of random events as you play, after which it slowly stalks you as you continue investigating mysteries, until the day it finally comes for you. It even takes away your ability to save the game when it’s on your trail. Obsession is nice and all if you’re into that, but when it comes to pretty faces, I need a little more to go off of than a starless, gaping void where the black dregs of my mind overflow like ants from a grave.

#17: Everyone, Everything: Spooky’s Jumpscare Mansion

Where is the vague sense of horniness coming from in Spooky’s Jumpscare Mansion? Is it the tongue-in-cheek writing? The way it sometimes feels like fan art? The adorably high-pitched voice of Spooky who I know is creator Akuma Kira speaking to me through a voice modulator like the voice of God to Moses from the burning bush? Everyone and everything from Spooky’s is an edge case (don’t say it) for the purpose of this list, both on account of the specimens only fulfilling the latter half of the “roaming pursuer” criteria and because when it comes to sexual tension, they’re pretty hit or miss. Sure, Bab’s got those curves and Parasite is good for a carnal embrace, but the likes of Deer Lord, or Ringu? And how would I even do it with a room?

#16: The Hunter: Dead Space 1 & 2 & Damn I Guess 3 as Well

Though it goes by different names throughout the Dead Space series, The Hunter, as it’s called in the first game, is a one-of-a-kind late-game enemy with a tiny bit of lore thrown in for kicks in Dead Space 1 and then for truly no reason in Dead Space 2 and 3. It’s a muscular, fearsome Necromorph capable of regeneration and, presumably, human pleasure, but I don’t get the sense he’s into me like that. Which is a shame, because we could get up to some shenanigans with a Stasis Module.

#15: Grunts: Amnesia: The Dark Descent

While clearly into rope play and boasting surprising strength in the face of a wooden door piled high with every chair, barrel, and physics-enabled object not nailed to the ground, Alexander’s servants are undyingly loyal to their master. I’d have far better luck with the suitors from Amnesia: Justine. Forget A Machine for Pigs, with Justine you get full hog straight out the gate.

#14: Mr. Shakedown: Yakuza 0

Mr. Shakedown is a special enemy in Yakuzo 0 with one goal in mind: walking slowly toward you and shaking you down for cash when he catches you. That may sound like two goals, but they both get lumped under the banner of being a pain in the ass at inconvenient times during gameplay. While Mr. Shakedown may be handsome in all his appearances, I know a gold-digger when I see one. Keep walking, buddy, I know my worth— specifically when it comes flying out of my ragdoll body in the form of coins and paper money.

#13: The Pursuer: Dark Souls 2

The Pursuer deserves a spot here purely for being an absolute SEO nightmare and completely screwing up all my attempts at research for this list. “Pursuer enemies in video games”? He’s there. “Best roaming pursuer enemies”? He’s there. “Horny knights with bullshit weapon hitboxes near me”? That’s him, officer. This isn’t one of my Dark Souls lists, so get outta here.

#12: The Beast: Amnesia: The Bunker

What can I say? I’m a big fan of enemies to lovers ships.

#11: Daniella: Haunting Ground

There’s a thin line between jealousy and desire, and Daniella walks it flawlessly. Starting as a chilly but harmless NPC in the game’s gloomy castle, Daniella becomes Haunting Ground’s second stalker following the defeat of Debilitas, after which she does what any caring maid would do for a would-be victim of kidnapping and murder: she tries to feed you ten bowls of soup, says very normal things about your “womb”, then smashes her head into a window repeatedly before chasing you with a comically oversized shard of glass. Despite or maybe because of all this, the sexual tension between me and Daniella is strong right off the bat, but like every other character in Haunting Ground except the dog, Daniella only wants Fiona for her own violent, vaguely sexual purposes, so it’s only fair she’d place in the middle of this list.

#10: Scissorman: Clock Tower

There’s something appealing about a short king. And who could deny that little dance he does when he hits you?

#9: Nemesis: Resident Evil 3

Resident Evil fans may be surprised to see one of the original pursuer enemies in video games show up relatively low on this list. Though Nemesis may have a singular focus on the player and an outfit halfway between fetish gear and a trash bag, he also tends to play hot and cold. One minute he’s grabbing me with those big strong hands, only to throw me away the next. Make up your mind.

#8: SA-X: Metroid Fusion

Although not romantic in itself, there is a kind of carnal tension in the humiliation and eventual triumph of a honed warrior over their stronger, primal shadow self. This is what Metroid Fusion brings to the table with the SA-X, an X Parasite that takes the form of Samus Aran, sporting her toughest gear and an ice white stare that can be felt through the screen as it roams the space station. When Samus finally conquers the parasite and reclaims her identity, it is a reunion as sweet and charged as a stolen kiss.

#7: Riccardo: Haunting Ground

If you’re tired of hearing about the 2005 cult classic Haunting Ground, in which everything with two legs wants to objectify and/or assault you, you’ll be happy to know Riccardo, Haunting Ground’s hooded, sandal-wearing stalker, is the final enemy from the game to appear on this list. He is the second to last roaming pursuer Fiona faces and has the distinction of being the only character on this list whose weapon is straight-up a gun and who will shoot you in the head execution style if his AI feels so inclined. So what if he’s bald? So what if he has a statue of you but pregnant? So what if he’s the clone of your father who killed him and locked you in a cage in a castle? He’s a suave and arguably gracious host, calling you “miss” and “dear”, and his monkcore style and goatee is undeniably sexy. The only thing stopping Riccardo from being higher on this list is Haunting Ground’s “Ending D”, which I read about so you don’t have to. That, and he’s mean to dogs.

#6: Pyramid Head: Silent Hill 2

Pyramid Head is pure sex. Literally, in the way that he’s a manifestation of James’s sexual frustration and desire for punishment. But also in the way that his arms could lift me like a doll and his powerful thighs could send my brain squirting out of my skull. That’s not to mention his bulletproof abs and constant heavy breathing. And remember that time Dead by Daylight had to patch out his cake?

#5: The Alien: Alien: Isolation

H. R. Giger was put on this earth to make penis cities and vagina monsters and he damn well knew it. Sex is both canvas and brush to him, with the design of the original Xenomorph being so inherently erotic—both phallic and yonic depending where you look and how little you value your life—it’s impossible not to confer some level of sexual tension to the game of cat and mouse played between me and the alien in IGN’s favorite horror game. Alien: Isolation features novel enemy AI that has eyes only for you, as well as the ability to walk face first into a drizzle of alien spit many, many times over the course of its twice-as-long-as-it-should-be playtime, and if that doesn’t earn it a place in the top five I don’t know what does.

#4: Mr. X: Resident Evil 2

Daddy.

#3: Jack Baker: Resident Evil 7: Biohazard

After a five-year hiatus, Resident Evil 7: Biohazard was able to breathe new life into the RE series thanks to a renewed focus on horror, a de-emphasis on decades of established lore, and a sadistic family of rustic villains almost on par with the Republican party. Their patriarch is Jack Baker, a kindly host whose violent outbursts are matched only by his folksy charm and fondness for saying iconic shit seconds before knocking you out cold. Our sexual tension grows with every playful taunt, and that’s to say nothing of his dad bod— or rather, his series of increasingly grotesque dad bods, some of which sport glowing weak points.

#2: Rick Trager: Outlast

The first time you meet Rick Trager, he lures you into a dumbwaiter in a moment of desperation before punching you in the face, and the last time you meet him he’s lunging at you with a pair of bone shears in an elevator. The compellingly designed and voiced Trager is, in the lore of Outlast, a former Murkoff executive playing doctor, who espouses his belief that “God died with the gold standard” and uses business school buzzwords as grounds for chopping up patients (“turning the consumer into the means of production”). His grift has become his obsession, his art. You can’t keep calling someone “buddy” with your ass fully out like that and not expect me to fall a little bit in love.

#1: Lady Dimitrescu: Resident Evil Village

To the surprise of no one, not one soul on this earth, the top spot for pursuer enemy who has the most sexual tension with me is none other than Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu: a character precision-engineered in a sick Capcom lab to satisfy the far-reaching corporate interests of Big Femdom. The 9’6” vampire became what they call a Breakout Character following her reveal in the first trailer for Village, which is another way of saying she currently has the most search results of any RE character on Rule34. She’s instantly memorable: her towering frame, her wide-brimmed hat, her ivory gown with questionable back support, it all comes together to paint a frightening yet seductive picture of what would happen if the sentiment “I want her to step on me” grew wings and flew away to a place where dreams come true and God is blind. Her dogged pursuit of the player through Castle Dimitrescu is one of the highlights of Resident Evil Village and a likely turning point in the lives of tall women everywhere who had given up on the idea that Halloween could be for them.

Game Night: Let’s Dunk on Ghosts in ‘Scarred’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Scarred is a cautionary tale. It was rushed to release before it was ready, and as a result, it’s riddled with bugs and weird mechanical decisions. There’s nothing here that a few more rounds of playtesting couldn’t have sorted out, and the publisher has offered an apology and said that they’re working on fixes. For right now, it’s an ambitious mess.

Ordinarily, that would mean that I put it aside for now and focus on something else, but Scarred was already my emergency fallback pick for this week’s column. It’s been a weird few days, even before roughly a third of the remaining American games media got torched for the insurance money.

Anyway, it’s a shame that Scarred shipped in a broken state, as I wanted to like it more than I did. It’s a short, cheap horror game set in modern-day Singapore, with no real gore, lots of atmosphere, and the occasional big jump scare. It’s the sort of thing you’d pick up if you wanted to kill an evening or a weekend.

Alan Wong is a high school student and basketball player who’s trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Then his friend Olivia suddenly disappears.

Alan subsequently wakes up outside Olivia’s apartment building in the dead of night with no idea how he got there. When he enters, he discovers the building is now haunted by old memories and new ghosts, many of which involve the parts of Olivia’s life that he never saw.

For the first 20 minutes, Scarred comes off like it’s going to be one of those weakly interactive adventure games that people like to call “walking simulators.” All you really do is walk around and click on things.

Thankfully, that’s just the prologue. Once you hit the first chapter, Scarred opens up its map, adds several puzzles, and gets a little less linear. As you explore Olivia’s building, you collect coins that you can use to unlock access to other floors, which also steadily makes the building more dangerous. Your only means of defense is Alan’s basketball, which you can use to stun some enemies, throw switches, knock over distant objects, or dispel the occasional inconvenient ghost.

By Scarred’s halfway point, it’s evolved from a low-stakes adventure game into something more like PG-rated survival horror. However, that halfway point is also when its cracks start to show.

I was initially inclined to cut Scarred a lot of slack, as it was created by a solo developer, and the first couple of hours are genuinely interesting. Its core mysteries are revealed at a careful pace, it’s got a handful of decent puzzles, and the building itself slowly shifts from a generic apartment building to something creepier and more evocative. I particularly liked the chance to check out some Singaporean horror, since I don’t have much experience with that.

However, the further I got into it, the less sure I was that it had ever been playtested at all. I’ve never run into any of the progress-halting bugs that I’ve seen reported on Scarred’s Steam forum, but I’ve hit several different issues where its mechanics were either flawed or so bad I thought they’d glitched out.

The first boss is a particular low point, which removes your control of your character until a specific, unlabeled split-second window, then kills you if you don’t immediately run away. I’ve also had a consistent issue with enemies placed around blind corners, so it’s impossible to react to them before they kill you, and there’s a forced stealth sequence in the third chapter that’s truly a slog to get through. You can get to the end of Scarred in its current state, but I can’t imagine you’d enjoy the process.

Scarred is one of several indie games I’ve played in the last few years that feel like they got scooped up by a new publisher, then kicked out the door before they were ready for wide release. The only big difference here, as noted above, is that the publisher apologized this time.

There’s nothing wrong with Scarred that couldn’t have been addressed with more testing. The ideas are solid, and there are some genuine storytelling chops on display, but the implementation isn’t there. My plan for the moment is to give Scarred a couple more weeks, then revisit it and hope the developer can pull out a win.

[Scarred, developed by KOEX Studio and published by the Iterative Collective, is now available for PC via Steam for $7.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Iterative Collective PR representative.]

Trump Announces Tariffs Against Wherever Pikmin Are From

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — In an Oval Office address, President Trump has announced sweeping new tariffs against the Pikmin homeworld.

“For decades these so-called Pikmin have taken advantage of our great American workers,” said Trump. “Aided by the communist Democrat party and at least one pink-haired girl astronaut, they have illegally and viciously dumped foreign fruit into our beautiful free markets. They’ve also been seen smuggling suspicious electronic devices into our beautiful country, all while solving little environmental puzzles and evading very cute monsters. Not anymore. The chaos ends today.”

According to one prominent expert, Trump’s proposed tariffs could have an immediate impact on supply chains worldwide.

“The President doesn’t seem to realize how much American companies depend on Pikmin labor,” said Captain Olimar, the Hocotatian spacefarer who made first contact with the creatures when he crash landed on their planet. “Pikmin are ideal workers – they don’t take breaks, they don’t need to eat. Hell, the yellow ones fucking love to get electrocuted at work. Try finding that in Cleveland.”

SpaceX CEO and Trump ally Elon Musk applauded the policy change, citing interest in someday colonizing the economically weakened Pikmin civilization.

“The [Pikmin] planet seems perfectly able to provide the single daily bottle of fruit juice that humans like me need to survive,” said Musk. “Plus, there is no woke nonsense about labor unions or child support or not boofing ketamine. It’s great. It’s like some genius just walked around his garden and daydreamed the whole thing into existence.”

At press time, one whistleblower from within the Trump administration had accidentally summoned dozens of Pikmin to his side.

Ten AI Movie-Making Tips from a Guy Who Both Hates and Misunderstands Movies

Posted on by Sean Fallon

Making movies is hard work and if there’s one thing a passion project shouldn’t be it’s difficult. Every artist worth their salt wishes they could slap together some images and sounds to make a movie rather than the tiresome business of “craft” or “talent”.

As a tech guy working in Silicon Valley, I hate it when art gets in the way of commerce or if art makes me feel things or art that makes me think about my place in the world. No, that’s all for losers so here are my top ten tips for making movies using AI instead of love, hard work, or dedication.

Consistency is for Losers

Continuity errors are something that people complain about with movies but those people are dorks. So what, a character’s drink is a bit more full from scene to scene, or a character changes ethnicity when they leave a room. Big deal. And yeah, maybe the AI means that a character’s entire body might change each frame, but only the dorks will notice and you’re not a dork are you?

Don’t worry about the amount of Fingers.

People don’t notice if your character has six, seven, or even eight fingers on each hand. Just make sure you name the characters after their finger amount like in my movie Johnny 25 Fingers vs the Martians.

Dialogue is Overrated

No one goes to the movies to listen to talking. They want explosions, rock music, and the sounds of engines revving. That’s why in my movies when a character opens their mouths, they don’t speak, they make the sounds of explosions, rock music, and engines revving. It’s cool, effective, and cheaper than buying a subscription to Respeecher.

As long as the car chases are fast no one minds if the car keeps changing make and color

Ever watched Bullitt or The French Connection? Me neither, but I saw some clips on TikTok and they have cool car chases which people like. But those movies are from the 1920s or something so when we’re making movies we tell our AI program to use those other movies but %1000 faster. And yeah, sometimes the car changes make and color and amount of wheels between shots, but when that happens we just speed it up. Yeah, fast cars get me hard in a way that women can’t anymore because of my AI porn addiction.

AI music is the Future.

Music is hard to make, good music even harder. That’s why it’s best to let an AI program make something that sounds like music but without any talent or soul. AI will put instruments together haphazardly and if you want to make Kendrick Lamar duet with Frank Sinatra on a reggae song, you can go nuts. You’ve probably guaranteed your spot in Hell doing that, but it’s better than studying a craft.

Scenes can happen in any order.

Beginning, middle, and end is for pussies. With modern movies, people don’t care what order the movie takes. Tell the AI program to make a movie and who cares if the credits happen five minutes in or a character dies in one scene and is alive in the next? After all, movies are just something to put on in the background while the bros and I are masterminding. Just let me know when the chick with four undulating boobs is onscreen, amirite?

Actors take it as a compliment if you use their image

Actors are busy and they don’t have time to be in every movie they want to be in, or even the ones they don’t want to be in e.g. the ones you’re making. AI gives a quick solution by simply, what’s the word?…stealing their image. They don’t get paid but they don’t do any of the work so it’s really win-win.

When in doubt, make the characters nude

With AI, post-production is basically being God. Want your actor to have different colored hair or eyes or skin? Press a few buttons and voila, your sort of human-looking character now has blond hair and blue eyes. Feel like the scene is missing something? Make everyone nude. Chances are the AI won’t be able to recreate genitals in a way that offends censors even though it might be a crime against nature.

Dead actors can’t say no.

Looking to cast your movie? Look forward to working with prima donna actors wanting to be paid and work reasonable hours. Have fun with so-called thespians who won’t read your script because it’s “bad” or “incomprehensible”. Instead, why not cast Chadwick Boseman or Philip Seymour Hoffman in your movie? They won’t say no to your requests because they’re dead. And because they’re dead, people will want to see your movie so they can see them again. Is it ghoulish? We don’t know the meaning of the word and we’re too busy to look it up.

Viewers don’t want to see a single frame of love or effort in their movies.

You know when you read a movie review and the critic writes that they can see the filmmaker has created a labor of love? Well, that sounds gay and not very alpha. All viewers want is moving pictures in front of their eyes with no distractions like love of craft, creativity, or the slightest hint that a filmmaker has enjoyed making the thing they’re watching.

Dad Puts Life Advice Behind Paywall

Posted on by Tim Graham

EVERETT, Mass. — Father of three Paul Danvers announced he has ceased dispensing guidance unless his adult children pay up, according to intrigued neighborhood dads.

“When my kids were young, I freely doled out my advice,” said Danvers. “But now that my youngest has turned 18, things are changing. I’ve got five decades of accumulated wisdom, and if they want to continue to tap into it, they’re going to subscribe to one of the plans I’m offering. The Economy program is only $10 per month, and entitles subscribers to access my knowledge concerning basic topics like car repair and sports, while the Gold level gives access to the full breadth of my wisdom. This includes advanced home repair, investing tips and even bonus ‘atta boys’ and ‘atta girls’.”

Danvers’ youngest child Lucy was disappointed when her father’s advice was abruptly cut off.

“Dad always gave us great advice when we were growing up, but I guess at some point he realized he shouldn’t be giving this stuff away for free,” said Ms. Danvers. “I decided I’m willing to pay for the Intermediate tier just so I can continue to go to him for his input on important issues. Like last week, I was put in charge of the grill at our sorority cookout and his tips saved the day. However, when I recently asked for his opinion on my new boyfriend, dad told me that sort of content is only available to Gold tier members.”

Ethan Swain, host of a motivational ‘grindset’ podcast, applauds Danvers’ ingenuity.

“It’s the 21st century, dog,” said Swain from somewhere within a thick vape cloud. “It’s not enough just to have a side hustle. Your side hustle needs a side hustle. So if this dude figured out a way to commodify something that most people give away for free, more power to him. I say don’t stop there. He should put together a pitch deck, get some angel investors and launch an app to make it easy for other dads to monetize their advice. You never leave money on the table.”

At press time, Danvers had informed his children of price increases across all tiers and the inclusion of ads with the Basic membership.

RFK Jr. Demands Records of Everyone Who Has Played a Sonic Game

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

WASHINGTON — As part of his alleged plan to find the cause and cure for autism, US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has ordered the creation of a national registry of all Americans with autism as well as those that have played a Sonic the Hedgehog game.

“For years, I’ve tried to warn people of the link between vaccines and autism, only to be dismissed by so-called ‘scientists,’” explained Kennedy in a recent press conference. “But in the process, I’ve neglected something only a fool could deny is connected to the recent autism epidemic: Sonic games. Ever since the Blue Blur made his debut in 1991, autism rates have skyrocketed, and countless of those poor, useless children claim to be fans of the series. I don’t know for a fact that Sonic games are the cause of autism, but give me enough personal information and I’ll know it in a few months.”

Disability advocates, human rights organizations, and Sega shareholders have denounced Kennedy’s plan as the beginning of a sinister eugenicist plot, though the Trump administration insists it’s all purely in the interest of national health.

“Any rumors you’ve heard of this being a pretext to send innocent American citizens to concentration camps is simply absurd,” said NIH director Jay Bhattacharya. “We already know how to do that without autism, why make up a reason? No, once we have the names, addresses, and financial information of every single American who’s ever touched a Sonic game, that data will be used strictly for scientific research. Even now, we’re making great strides into uncovering the link between Sonic and autism.” With this remark, Bhattacharya removed the last screw from the case of the Sega Genesis he was taking apart. “Did you know that the original Sonic machine used ‘blast processing?’ I don’t know what that is, but until we know more I can’t rule out that they blasted autism directly into children’s minds.”

While the NIH collects the private medical records of every person diagnosed with autism in the United States, Kennedy has begun consulting various retailers and financial institutions to collect every known instance of a mainline Sonic game being purchased, with hopes of including spin-offs and crossovers by the end of the summer.

“While we’ve been contacted by Secretary Kennedy about our records, we’re appalled by this administration’s efforts to breach our customers’ privacy,” confirmed GameStop CEO Ryan Cohen. “GameStop will not disclose decades’ worth of other people’s confidential personal information so a corrupt government can chase harmful pseudoscience. Not unless they paid us a lot of money for it. Like, a hundred dollars at least.”

At press time, Secretary Kennedy was musing if a real-life recreation of the Carnival Night Zone barrel would make the wellness farms easier or harder to escape.