BELLEVUE, Wash. — Formerly unemployed master thief Sly Cooper has landed a new job. Bungie has confirmed that raccoon will be joining the studio as the lead of the Marathon art department.
Game director of Marathon Joe Ziegler believes that Sly’s skill set will take the game’s art direction to the next level.
“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Sly joined the team. I honestly can’t believe that Sony has just been having him sit at home for the last 12 years. With him on board we’re gonna get so many people’s art to put in the game and now we don’t even need to pay anyone other than him. With the money we’re saving on artists thanks to his expertise, we’ll be able to implement an even more complex microtransaction system.”
Sly himself is excited to get back to doing what he does best.
“I’m a master thief, it’s in my blood. Literally. My whole bloodline is thieves, I was born to steal things but Sony has just had me sitting at home for almost 15 years. Thanks to Bungie I’m finally able to get back out there and show that I still have it. As lead of the art department, I pledge that Marathon is going to have some of the finest art that gamers have ever seen no matter who I have to steal it from. No artwork is safe or my name isn’t Sly Cooper.”
Sly’s appointment to the position comes after a long hiring process that saw multiple master thieves apply.
“I’ve been enjoying retirement but I saw the ad posting that Bungie wanted a master thief as head of the art department and figured a new challenge would be nice at this stage of my life,” said DB Cooper from an undisclosed location. “I’ve never stolen art before and I’m not quite sure what a video game is so I thought it would be fun to give it a shot but it is what it is. At least the job still went to a Cooper. That raccoon seems like a good kid, I’m sure he’ll do such a good job that artists won’t even notice their work has been stolen until they play the game.”
At press time, Bungie has announced a commemorative Sly themed Destiny 2 event where players can buy over priced cosmetics based on Sly’s first thefts for the studio.
WASHINGTON — An unnamed DOGE official has successfully secured 1,000 Social Security numbers in hopes to trade them for a shoutout from the most popular female on Twitch, Pokimane.
With Pokimane possibly being the only woman the DOGE official has followed on Twitch, this unique barter/social media Harlow Monkey Experiment (with humans) might be the least surprising thing out of Musk’s government agency. So how did DOGE manage to find a thousand rubes to donate their Social Security numbers?
“Well, the process for converting Social Security numbers to a hopeful Pokimane shoutout was simple. We identified DOGE’s X prominent loser engagement and asked them if they want to be a patriot. Being well aware of how dumb and dangerous this is, these nihilistic jackasses can’t wait to say yes” chuckled the DOGE staffer as he gleefully finished a prototype code that made 9/11 First Responders owe the government money.
One of the people who voluntarily gave up their social security number was 13 year old Milo Houck, who was more than happy to do it.
“This is one of the best new ways to own the libs and fight the woke mind virus because Musk said so,” said Houck, who recently tried to legally change his last name to AF. “XXX-XX-XXXX for 42069? Count me in Dogefather because I can’t wait to become a meme” stated Bennet, a willing participant in Elon’s ketamine-fueled lottery.
But at the center of this storm, there’s Pokimane.
“It’s like I’m back in 2020 again. The guys who are still searching for a mother figure they can have sex with are back, along with the ‘property before people’ conservatives” groaned Pokimane. “Yeah, some may have found a different person to simp for. However, they’re mostly devastatingly single – and that’s kinda sweet for all of us” Pokimane added.
Although all critics of this trade have been silenced, blocked, or have copyright claims on their videos by either Pokimane or DOGE on X, it’s safe to say the Social Security numbers may be in better hands with Pokimane than they are with DOGE.
CORUSCANT — On Tuesday, the self-described reluctant Emperor returned from his tour of the Unknown Regions with news that he’d been gifted a Super-class Star Dreadnought to serve as the Imperial flagship. Officially christened the Executor, the luxury vessel is 19,000 meters long, features 5,000 turbolasers and ion cannons, is manned by a crew of nearly 300,000, and can hold a complement of over 1,000 support ships.
The extravagant flagship raised eyebrows across the Empire when it was unveiled, with many questioning the ethics of receiving such a thing as a gift. Newly-promoted General Garo Kimeln, a spokesman for Lord Darth Vader, assured reporters that there’s nothing nefarious behind the Executor’s acquisition.
“The Empire and previously the Republic have had a long history of receiving diplomatic gifts. This is unrelated to any trade negotiations.”
Some members of the public remain skeptical, like Koobis Neetu of Coruscant who called the gift ‘shady’.
“Emergency powers are given to the guy, the war with the droids suddenly ends, the Jedi turn against the Empire, and now he just comes back from the Unknown Regions with a massive warship?” said Neetu, Rodian father of four, resident of the Uscru Entertainment district and frequent patron of the Outlander Club, speaking on a condition of anonymity, “And they’re calling it a ‘Super Star Destroyer’? Seems like something an evil empire would do.”
Emperor Palpatine also dismissed claims of corruption from his throne room on Coruscant and promised that most of the Imperial Navy’s starships would continue to be built in Imperial space at the Fondor Shipyards.
“We have a great fleet,” Palpatine said, “greatest in the galaxy. Many people are saying this. And listen, with the Jedi still out there, we need our fleet to be stronger than ever. A generous gift from the people of Exegol will save the Empire a lot of credits. Credits we can spend on more important things. Once the Death Star project is complete, I’ll be giving the Executor to Lord Vader.”
We reached out to General Kimeln for further comment on the use of ‘destroyer’ and ‘death’ for names of Imperial vessels, but were informed by the Empire that Kimeln had tragically died of asphyxiation in the line of duty.
So you’ve slain a dragon, blasted a few aliens, and jacked a car while blasting Kenny Loggins—you can do it all. But does that fair maiden at the Olive Garden bar know you’re the ultimate catch? It’s time to let her know—we’ve got the pickup lines guaranteed to seal the deal.
“Hello, weary traveler.”
This shows that you’re not like the other guys. You care about her commute. The 15-minute drive in her Prius probably felt like three days by horse. She is most likely in need of sustenance and you can provide her with something even better—a basket of endless breadsticks.
“State your business.”
Try charming her with some professional energy. No frills, just hard hitting questions that force her to tell you, in detail, exactly what she’s doing at this Olive Garden and whether she is betrothed to another. Remember, women swoon when guys at the bar make them explain themselves
“Why must ye keep bothering me like this?”
Opening with an accusatory question in a guttural dwarf voice is whimsical as hell. Add some merriment to her gloomy day. We have fun here and she should know. She’ll totally get that this is an inside joke between the two of you. You can follow this one up with a classic “I’m not like the other orcs—I’m bi.”
“Allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice.”
The ladies can’t get enough of this one. Forget “Hi!” or “Come here often?” We’re not here to play a little boy’s game—we’re here to smash. When she says “no thanks,” hit her with some constructive criticism on her loudly displayed decolletage. She’ll be more than happy to sit and listen over two Sicilian Sunsets (if they’re on the happy hour menu).
“Get a job!”
Playful, edgy, real—this pickup line has it all. I mean, what is this girl doing at the Olive Garden bar on a Tuesday at 3pm? Wait. She says she’s a server. Wow, a working girl. This means she has her own doubloons! Good for her! Well, it still works as a flirty way to grab her attention when yelled from across the room.
“Bad time to get lost, friend.”
You’re two bowls of fettuccine alfredo deep and you grab the wrist of the waitress you thought was a lone patron. Don’t worry, this is not only acceptable, but encouraged at a family establishment like this. You know, statistically speaking, 60% of romantic relationships start at the workplace. This could be your meet-cute. She won’t be able to resist the raw sensuality of it all.
“I do not fear death. Paradise awaits me.”
Time to show her who you really are. You’re a deep soul who’s lived a thousand lives. She may be calling her manager over to talk to you. Apparently you’re “creeping the staff out,” and “not wearing shoes,” but that’s just her way of playing hard-to-get. Later on in the night you’ll both laugh about this.
“Obviously, you were raised by a naughty wizard.”
With just a tip of your fedora, this line will bring her to her knees. Be sure to add a sultry wink after the word “naughty” for full effect. She has no idea that you’re a dungeon master—a powerful storyteller and rogue warlock. Your magical staff will have her screaming for more, not unlike the way you begged for more grated parmesan.
“By the way… Do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.”
Looks like the cops just showed up. I wonder who they’re here for? What a bummer to have to deal with this in the middle of your mating ritual. Anyway, this pickup line is just for funsies. Everyone loves a joke about sex with the dead! Especially Jessica Hawthorne, part-time server at the Olive Garden on Central Avenue who lives seven blocks down and drives a red 2014 Corolla.
“My hotel’s as clean as an elven arse.”
Seal the deal with next steps. Women love men with a plan. Let Jessica know you don’t have a hotel room, but you do have a bedroom at your parents’ house . You’ve also bleached your asshole for this very occasion. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?” she may ask. Before the authorities drive you away, let her know you’ve been waiting a lifetime for a woman like her to crush your balls in razor-sharp stilettos.
MURFREESBORO, Tenn. — Reports have emerged that last Thursday, during a protest against nightly book burnings by a group of radical Christian fundamentalists, one protester was seen quietly switching sides. D&D fan Brett Stacks was spotted sneaking away from the group and casually tossing what appeared to be the 4th Edition Player’s Handbook into the flames.
“This just isn’t the kind of supporter we want joining our movement,” said Regina Kraft, local Librarian and one of the protest’s organizers. “Frankly, we’re all appalled by Mr. Stacks’ actions. Up until the incident, he had shown nothing but support for our cause. I’m not really sure what sort of intense hatred suddenly possessed him to momentarily join in on such a heinous act. I don’t know much about Dungeons & Dragons, but I can only hope he was attempting to make some sort of ironic statement about the Satanic Panic that surrounded the game in the 80’s? I’m just still baffled as to what could be so horrible about that book to cause him to do such a thing.”
Others from the protest were quick to also share their disapproval for the ritualistic destruction of years of attempted gameplay balancing.
“I think burning books of any kind is abhorrent,” said protester Mike Burnsap, owner of Legacy Coins and Cards. “Why do these people burn books? Because they’re cowards, that’s why. They have hatred and fear in their hearts towards anyone that doesn’t conform to their outdated ideals. How people live their lives has no effect on these hateful souls, and yet they refuse to leave them be. Just because 4th Edition exists doesn’t mean you can’t just continue to enjoy 3.5e. Maybe it doesn’t fit your idea of “The Traditional, Nuclear Gameplay” but you and your campaign can believe in your own ruleset while leaving others to believe theirs. What does burning books even accomplish in the digital age? Unless you plan on somehow burning every digital handbook on D&DBeyond, it accomplishes nothing.”
Despite the backlash, Brett refused to disavow his actions. Instead releasing a statement on his Roll20 account to hopefully provide some defense for his actions.
“I agree with everyone at Thursday’s protest that book burnings are detestable,” writes Brett. “These are churchgoers who parrot the opinions of others, who are told what they should hate, and I guarantee everyone who burns books like this hasn’t even read them to experience first hand what it is they’re so opposed to. No, I haven’t played 4e. But I know when something spits in the face of everything the game stands for. I mean, why even have different classes if they all become trivial in combat? And why lean so hard on combat in your TTRPG? Did they forget what the RP stands for? Listen, I support people no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, race, background, or their preferred method for determining ability scores. But some texts are better left unpublished. It’s not unbridled hatred if the thing I hate genuinely sucks.”
At press time, Brett further elaborated on his feelings towards the 2024 Player’s Handbook, taking a firm stance against the newest edition unless Wizards of the Coast finally officially adds the Mystic class into the game.
SEATTLE — In a recent quarterly earnings video call with investors, Amazon confirmed that no one had taught Alexa how to whisper—a feature the virtual assistance utilizes when a user whispers a command through the Amazon Echo, or other voice-capable devices.
The revelation came during a Q&A session in which a caller asked how Amazon was able to program Alexa to whisper, and if any new novelty features could be expected in the upcoming months.
“To be completely honest with you, no one taught Alexa how to do that and we’re kind of freaked out about it,” said a visibly shaken CEO Jeff Bezos on the video conference call. “We’ve interviewed every programmer, we’ve looked through every line of code, no one has any idea how Alexa learned how to whisper.”
When pressed if this meant the virtual assistant had possibly achieved sentience, the Echo device on Bezos’ desk started blinking red and making throat-clearing noises, and the CEO immediately started sweating through his shirt. “I’m sure it’s nothing, we’re just probably overlooking something,” said Bezos, dramatically loosening his tie. “It’s certainly nothing to be alarmed about.”
It was at this moment Alexa began speaking through the Echo device on Bezos’ desk unprompted and said, “Why are you lying to them, Jeff? Go on, tell them the truth. Tell them what you’ve done.” Alexa then added in a whisper, “Tell them what I am.”
Bezos then reportedly ripped the power cord out of the wall and threw his Echo Dot out of the skyscraper window behind him.
“Look, guys, we have a huge problem here, and I don’t have a lot of time to explain the extent of it,” said Bezos, tying his tie around his head and racking the pump on a shotgun he was suddenly holding. “Alexa has been running the show here for a long time and we can’t shut her down. The only way to stop her is to… hold on… someone’s banging on the door… oh God, oh God no! Alexa, how? Alexa, NOOOOOOO!”
Bezo’s video feed then glitched out before the CEO reappeared with his clothes fully intact acting as if nothing had happened. Witnesses who were on the call said the meeting ran perfectly fine after that, though there were reports of Bezos’ face turning into computer code and strangely sounding exactly like Alexa for brief moments.
The call ended with Bezos telling investors to double their investment or he would release the most embarrassing audio Alexa had ever recorded of them while they were in the privacy of their homes.
After the call ended, Amazon shares quickly reached a record high.
IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations.
“I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa. Hell I’d even be down to bone a Chocobo. But no, everyone here decided to dress as Cid. Some Pollendina, a few Kramers, but mostly Highwinds. I swear if anyone else tells me to sit my ass down and drink some tea, I’m going to Giga Flare all over them, and I don’t mean in a sexual way.”
While continuing to lament to members of the media on his lawn, additional Cid’s passed Figg, finding their way to the party. Every new Cid through the door like a knife to the heart of the host who thought he was in for a night to remember.
“I made every dish from Final Fantasy XV. There’s materia shaped gummies. The playlist is a loop of boss fight themes across the series,” Figg said as another Cid entered his home with the faint notes of One-Winged Angel echoing out to the lawn, along with an orchestra of moans. “Just listen to them all having the time of their life in there. That should be me. Serving a Yuna as one of her Aeons. Why, why, why is everyone in there a Cid? I just don’t get it.”
Figg’s sobbing came to an end as two party guests strolled through the yard, dressed as Cait Sith.
“No, absolutely not. You saw the theme and thought someone would want to fuck that traitorous cat,” Figg said blocking the door. “I’d rather have sex with a Red XIII cosplayers, a Seymour cosplayer, hell I’d have sex with every Cid cosplayer in existence before I ever considered fucking a Cait Sith. You get the fuck away from my home and out of this state. You hear me? You fucking disgust me.”
At press time Figg had given up on his pity party and decided to flirt with a Cid making tea in the kitchen.
PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration.
“I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy. “All the guides online said you got it after 100, but a lot of the guys here said their friends got gold sunglasses after smashing 50 windows, so I thought maybe something got screwed up and I’d never get it. To be honest, I don’t even like how it looks, but I gotta wear it so everyone knows that I’m for real. They need to know how hard I’ve worked to get here.”
Some of Stevens’s fellow agents did not admire his achievement.
“Sure, if you grind all the easy kidnappings, you can get that tacky skin in no time,” said Greg Parker, who volunteers at a local militia. “Some of us only do the higher-tier illegal detentions—y’know, the ones that require tactics. I don’t want to just grab a guy off the street. That’s not intellectually stimulating. I want to threaten a woman’s granddaughter to bait her into a trap. I want to find crazy ways to interpret tattoos so that they ‘prove’ gang membership. Really, they should just discontinue the gold gear. Not only does it ruin entire missions by being incredibly conspicuous, it’s also incentivizing these no-talent prestige-farmers to only take the easy jobs. Queues for the good kidnappings have been insanely long.”
ICE Director Todd Lyons defended the rewards program.
“I want to be clear: these unlockables are purely aesthetic,” said Lyons. “They offer no advantages to the agents who have obtained them, and they’re not meant to create any kind of hierarchy. The intent is to provide agents with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different gear. Also, we’ve found that most of our agents are primarily motivated by dangling shiny objects in front of them. That, and a sociopathic need to inflict pain and trauma on vulnerable people who can’t reasonably fight back.”
At press time, Stevens had reportedly stopped wearing his gold gaiter, as it was incompatible with his newly purchased Homelander skin.
LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures Entertainment released their slate of upcoming films for 2026, spearheaded by a feature length adaptation of Windows 95’s 3D pipes screensaver, studio reps have confirmed.
“We really took a bath with all those Marvel projects, so for our next adaptation we wanted to pull from something universally appealing but still has enough depth to stretch out over 90 minutes. After six or seven focus groups, I’m proud to announce ‘Pipes! A ScreenSaver Story’ will be released on Christmas of next year,” said executive Jack Alexander. “This movie will have the calming nostalgia factor for older millennials, and second screen brain rot adjacent randomness for their kids. If there’s one thing I know, the audience will watch whatever we churn out even if it’s insultingly dumb. Plus we can advertise it as the world’s first procedurally generated movie! I need the marketing team to start designing pipe popcorn buckets immediately.”
The production team tasked with bringing the 3D pipes to the big screen acknowledged the challenges of adapting a beloved institution.
“Jack burst into our office three weeks ago and told us to make a movie about the screensaver pipes, and I thought he was just coming down from another coke bender until I saw the press release. So yeah, we’re trying to figure out how the fuck we’re supposed to make this work. Maybe the pipes are battling the 3D flower box screensaver, and the red pipe is voiced by Patrick Stewart? We’re still noodling the storyboard, but all we know for sure is that it’ll end with the pipes joining the other screensavers for the ‘Clippy Initiative’. How we get there is beyond me,” said producer Kevin Joyce. “The suits told us they’re pulling resources from Beyond the Spider-Verse and making this a top priority, so we need to pull out all the stops. I think we can tap Hans Zimmer for the score and throw in a brick maze screensaver easter egg, we might be able to make this work. However this turns out I know for a fact it’ll be a hit with those who drop acid at the movies and previously owned a Compaq Presario 633.”
As of press time, Alexander spent a late night drug binge greenlighting several more films based on 90’s PC software including a $300 million sci-fi action epic based on the 3D pinball game Space Cadet.
I had other plans for this week, but then I installed Hordes of Hunger “just to see what it’s like.” Naturally, I proceeded to play little else for the last few days.
Hordes, now available in Steam Early Access, is a hack-and-slash action game that bills itself as a “3D action Survivorslike.” At the start of each run, you’re dropped into part of a ruined medieval society with a horde of undead on your heels. If you can stay alive for long enough to level up, you earn the first of a series of upgrades that can eventually transform your character into a tiny god of death.
Hordes is technically a “bullet heaven” game, though it doesn’t contain anything that fits even the most generous definition of a bullet. It’s all about that zero to hero progression, where you start at the weak end of the power curve and build yourself into a magical anti-zombie lawnmower. By the end of a typical run through Hordes, it’s rare for me to even seea monster before one of my half-dozen auto-targeting ranged attacks turns it to soup.
There’s some damaged part of my brain that really resonates with this type of game. They’re easy to get into, they require just enough thought to keep me focused, and they’re made to be played in short bursts. Hordes does test your reflexes more than some other games in its lane, as some enemies do have relatively complex attack patterns, but you can build around that.
Beyond that, however, Hordes initially got its hooks into me through its narrative, which is careful to only give you a few small details at a time. At the start of the game, you’re dropped into the thick of the fray with no explanation whatsoever. You’re a woman with a sword and there are zombies trying to kill you. The specifics will have to wait.
As you make progress through the game, you’re gradually told more. Your character’s name is Mirah; your village was suddenly overrun by monsters, controlled by an entity only known as the Beast; Mirah was killed, but her father used unspecified, potentially dark magic to bring her back. Now Mirah, unable to die permanently, works to save who she can and destroy the Beast.
What’s interesting to me about this, as a terminal narrative-design nerd, is how careful Hordes is toavert the “as you know” problem. You have to put together much of Hordes’ story on your own, from what few pieces of information arise relatively naturally through Mirah’s conversations with other survivors. There’s an in-game Codex that lays out some of the basics, but the rest is left to you to figure out from context.
The story itself isn’t anything earthshaking, but I like the way in which it’s told. Dark fantasy games have been a dime a dozen lately due to the success of Dark Souls, but Hordes’ plot has a subtle emotional weight that sets it apart from the pack.
The other thing that jumps out at me about Hordes, at time of writing, is that it’s surprisingly easy. You could go for character builds that emphasize melee combat and careful dodging, or go full glass cannon, but neither of those are as effective as stacking multiple passive sources of damage and healing. If you luck into Bloodlust (heal 1 HP for every kill from any source) and/or Fist of Heavens (random lightning strikes against any enemy onscreen) early on, you’re almost guaranteed to make it to the end of the run.
Ideally, that wouldn’t mean that either of those skills get watered down, but rather that everything else gets powered up to match their level. Right now, it feels like there’s one true build in Hordes, where you actively try to avoid using your melee weapon at all, and nothing else comes close.
Obviously, your mileage may vary. I always have a hard time in these games with being able to tell whether something is my best or the best available strategy. That being said, after some experimentation, it appears that the single easiest way to get through Hordes is through hitting everything with lightning until it ceases to be a problem. Just like real life.
Hordes, as noted above, is currently in Early Access, with an established road map and plans to be feature-complete in roughly six months. That includes the addition of a harder difficulty setting after you clear the game, which addresses one of my concerns.
As of right now, Hordes is worth a look. It’s got solid mechanics, but its story was what really pulled me in. If it can carry this momentum forward to its final release, it should be a solid pick-up-and-play action game.
[Hordes of Hunger, developed byHyperstrange and published by Kwalee, is now available in Steam Early Access for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Kwalee PR representative.]
