LOS ANGELES — The upcoming second season of Prime Video’s hit video game adaptation Fallout will feature a very special 40-minute long brutal killing spree preceded by a quicksave, sources working on the show confirmed.
“Our main goal this season was to really get experimental with the format of our episodes, while also remaining true to that unique Fallout experience,” said Fallout showrunner Geneva Robertson-Dworet. “In our research we found that an overwhelming number of Fallout fans have experienced the seemingly ‘canon event’ of quicksaving, absolutely unleashing hell on whatever poor settlement or group of people happens to populate their immediate surroundings, and then loading back to that quicksave as if nothing ever happened at all. And we knew we just had to put that on the screen.”
Ella Purnell, who plays Vault 33 Dweller Lucy MacLean in the show, was happy to share her experience in devising and performing the ground-breaking scene.
“It was all adrenaline, really,” said Purnell. “[Wayne] Yip directed that episode, and he really gave me a lot of creative freedom on this very visceral, almost primal scene.They put me in the middle of this beautiful set of Camp McCarran with fifty or sixty stunt performers and I just went apeshit. I started unloading into these very talented people who I’d come to love working with. I was huckin’ firebombs and frag grenades like nobody’s business. I think I remember beating a script supervisor to a bloody pulp? Honestly, I kinda blacked out. But once the scene was over, we all just reset back to one and it was like nothing ever happened. It was extremely cathartic.”
We also spoke with Matthew Ryerson, who works as a PA on the show and was fortunate enough to witness the scene first-hand.
“Honestly, it was the most bizarre day of work I’ve ever experienced,” said Ryerson, 23. “As soon as Yip called ‘action’ the carnage began, and we were all helpless to do anything but stand back and watch. It was a truly harrowing display of violence, but also, you could tell there was a beautiful sort of release of tension. It’s something we’ve all thought about, just being able to go absolutely postal and then erase it all from having ever happened. All in all, I think it’ll make for some damn good TV.”
At press time, the Fallout writers are crafting a scene where a Deathclaw tears Walton Goggins limb from limb.
HYRULE — The economy was in shambles Tuesday after groundskeepers mistakenly mowed Hyrule Field, uncovering hundreds of thousands of rupees. The workers were meant to be tending the Hyrule Castle garden as part of the ongoing renovations after the last three near-apocalypses.
“We coudnae tell where th’ bloody property line was wi’ hauf th’ ground floatin’ in th’ air like that,” said groundskeeper William MacDougal, recounting the incident, “we were just cuttin’ the weeds back a wee bit when it started rainin’ the blighted things.”
Word soon spread to nearby villages, causing locals to rush to the field to fill their wallets. Giant’s Wallets were soon the hot commodity around the kingdom, selling out within hours. However, the impact on the local economy was nearly immediate, with shops quickly running out of goods and the rupee value tanking.
Paul Moneybags, a spokesman for the Bank of Hyrule warned that inflation and economic collapse was inevitable.
“It’s simple math,” said Moneybags, “if everyone is rich, then no one is rich. Shopkeepers will need to raise their prices to keep up with demand. Ten arrows may be thirty rupees today and three hundred tomorrow. We’re already seeing the rupee being devalued in other kingdoms.”
Moneybags refused to entertain the idea of a new currency standard, but is rumored to have begun hoarding Korok Seeds. Local medicine shop owner Matthew Mercer scoffed at the idea.
“You know that’s their shit, right?”
At press time, the royal family had yet to release a statement regarding the incident or the fallout, though the dark red cloud over Hyrule Castle may indicate the economy is the least of their worries.
The famed Bechdel Test, wherein a piece of media is judged on whether it has two named women characters engaged in a conversation about something other than a man, is perhaps the most well-known indicator of active female presence in media. It was developed by cartoonist Alison Bechdel in 1985, and has rightfully called attention to the ongoing problem of gender inequality in film and television over the past several decades.
As a means of encouraging representation in interactive media, the Hard Drive investigative team has decided to begin regularly applying the Bechdel Test to certain video games. Unfortunately, the first game chosen, socially-backward 1996 FPS “Duke Nukem 3D”, might not have been the best example to test the medium’s execution on the subject.
VERDICT
Fail. While Duke Nukem 3D does include scores of women throughout the entirety of the game, they are far from empowering depictions as the protagonist battles invading aliens who have taken over Los Angeles in between bouts of cringe-inducing remarks and needlessly explicit urination animations. The vast majority of women only speak as a means of begging for death as they are left suspended in strange cocoons by the aliens, only to be abandoned by the heartless Nukem as he progresses to the next level in his mission to conquer the aliens. Furthermore, it is later revealed that these poor women were only used as a ruse by the aliens to distract him while they begin their attack on Earth.
The Hard Drive investigative team was given a false sense of hope in the final cutscene, as Duke Nukem, having retired to his quarters after killing the Cycloid Emperor (the leader of the aliens) is called back to bed by an anonymous young lady. However, no further conversation is provided, and at any rate, there appeared to be only one woman present in the scene. The ensuing copulative noises are an embarrassingly unsubtle indication of the lack of insightful conversation that closes out the game.
Further hope was provided by the extra stages in the game’s Atomic Edition, with one of which being set in a place called “Babe Land”. However, while this lamentably appears to be the game’s biggest effort to pass the Bechdel Test, it still falls far short of a passing grade. Virtually none of the women in this level have a speaking part, and their inclusion only appears to be for the sake of dancing suggestively in sexy pirate costumes.
While the Hard Drive investigative team fully intends on continuing its probes into various games’ performances on this important metric, it would like to apologize to the readers for the rocky start to this new column, and assures them that more thought will be put into the selection process going forward.
SEOUL, South Korea — The latest Westeros-based video game, Game of Thrones: Kingsroad has proven to be a faithful testament to more of the same-old disappointment fans of the franchise have come to loathe, disillusioned sources confirm.
“We are absolutely delighted to finally share our newest addition to the Game of Thrones universe with gamers and anyone else with a credit card and low standards for quality,” said HBO’s President and CEO Casey Bloys. “We are so grateful to the thousands of Thrones fans out there who have continuously been willing to throw their money at us for almost nothing in return, and with this newest game’s price tag of sort-of-but-not-really free, we can finally prey on more of those fans than ever.”
Eager players were quick to weigh in with their thoughts on developer Netmarble Neo’s latest Game of Thrones title.
“They really knocked it out of the park with this one,” claimed Alex Schumacher, 26. “With boring, drawn-out cutscenes; broken movement and repetitive combat, I really felt like I was right back in 2017 watching my favorite show fall apart at the seams. The greed and perversion of it all just gave me such a rush of nostalgia. Plus, this game at least gives me something to do while waiting for George to write The Winds of Winter. Yup, any day now.”
Netmarble Neo Executive Producer Hyun-il Jang gladly recounted the long and rigorous development process for this absolute dumpster fire.
“Funny enough, we sort of worked backwards when we set out to make Kingsroad,” said Hyun-il. “We started out by making a much better, far more robust version of the game, before working with the good people at HBO to ‘rough it up’ a bit. They felt that the game was far too enjoyable for Game of Thrones fans, who have become accustomed to cheap, flashy cash-grabs over the course of the last decade. With their input in mind, we were finally able to make the lackluster capitalist nightmare that is Game of Thrones: Kingsroad.”
At press time, Jon Snow assured us that just one more in-app purchase will vanquish the Army of the Dead for good.
It’s one of those weird skip weeks for the column. This July has actually turned into a big month for indie games, but at time of writing, everything is either under embargo or I haven’t gotten codes yet. As such, I’m diving back into the janky end of the pool with something I found on Steam Early Access.
To use its full title exactly once, DEADCAM | ANALOG * SURVIVAL * HORROR is a new found-footage game from Joure Visser, a solo developer in Singapore. Visser previously published Stardrop and Spookity Hollow, in addition to working on last year’s Don’t Scream.
In-universe, the “DEADCAM Files” were an urban legend for the terminally online, back in the early days of the consumer Internet. Each of the files had no known or traceable origin, showed something uniquely disturbing, and appeared slightly different to every individual viewer. They were written off as a myth, right up until the modern day, when the DEADCAM Files have abruptly resurfaced.
DEADCAM is intended as an anthology series, with each file set in a different place and time. Its first and currently only scenario, “Onryō,” takes place in an abandoned high school in 1990s Japan.
You play from the perspective of Kenji Sagawa, a former instructor at Hoshima Private Girls’ Academy, who returns to the school several years after an unspecified incident that shut it down. As you explore, you’ll gradually learn what happened, why, and how Kenji was involved.
Off the top, DEADCAM’s best asset is that it’s built in Unreal Engine 5. The hallways of the school are close to photorealistic, with unique layers of debris, graffiti, and slow erosion in every room and hallway. It’s an undeniably evocative environment, and Visser has put some real work into it. While the school does have its share of improvised barricades and locked doors, so you’re often funneled into a linear path through the building, it’s a much bigger map than I expected.
It’s also worth noting here that “Onryō” is explicitly a survival horror game, rather than forcing you to outrun or evade enemies like an Outlast or Amnesia. Once you find your first weapon, the school rapidly fills up with hostile undead schoolgirls. At that point, it’s a race to figure out where to go and what to do before you run out of health and ammunition.
The rest of the scenario, unfortunately, is boilerplate. You spend most of “Onryō” hunting for keys with which to find more keys, and much of it’s made harder than it has to be by your character’s refusal to move at a speed above a brisk walk. It’s also fond of abruptly spawning new enemies into your blind spot, which is arguably cheating.
As a whole, “Onryō” is a great map in search of a better game. Its aesthetic is a deliberate flashback to the ‘90s, with grainy shot-on-video filters and a deliberately retro UI, but the overall gameplay is equally simple.
Still, that’s part of the fun of Early Access. “Onryō” could develop into something more worthwhile with some time, a bunch of bug testing, and a few post-release tweaks. For example, it’d play better if there were a fixed number of tougher enemies, rather than a theoretically infinite number of undead students who drop after two or three hits. As it stands now, “Onryō” can feel more like a weird beat-’em-up than survival horror.
As a testbed for future short horror scenarios, there’s some overall promise in DEADCAM. It’s got a flexible core concept, and if “Onryō” demonstrates one thing, it’s Visser’s knack for environmental design. I wouldn’t even call it bad so much as somewhat generic.
If “Onryō” is meant to be reflective of what comes next, however, then DEADCAM is doomed to end up as the video game equivalent of one of those 5-films-for-$5 discs that you used to see in electronics stores. Its next scenarios don’t necessarily have to go bigger than “Onryō,” but they absolutely should go much weirder.
[DEADCAM | ANALOG * SURVIVAL * HORROR, published and developed by Joure Visser, is now available on Steam Early Access for $7.99. This column was written using a Steam code purchased by Hard Drive.]
Working in an industry gives you insight and peeks into the behind-the-scenes operations that people seem to have a great deal of opinions and thoughts on, despite often having little interest in how decisions are actually made and companies are actually run. I think the most surprising thing to a lot of comic book, and superhero, fans is just how rigidly controlled the larger publishers are, and how shaky the grips of a lot of executives making critically important decisions are as well. A perfect example was in the mid-2010s, when DC Comics decided to release a pair of mega-collections covering the enormity of the histories of Superman and Batman. And the stories included can tell you a lot about how both characters were perceived at the time: Batman’s was full of varied stories, some origins, some failures, a lot of stuff you’d expect, a few things you wouldn’t. Superman’s told a very different story. A much more apologetic one. Superman’s stories were mostly focused on his origins, his failings, and the few times he became evil, whether in a side-story or the mainline titles. And people loved hearing about what was included in that collection, but few actually bought it. People just seemed to respond to how “OP” Superman was, and enjoyed the concept of him being taken down a few pegs. Not enough to buy it, of course, but they loved to talk about it endlessly.
And the people who actually liked Superman? All they ever heard about online and in comic stores was how boring, broken, and stupid he was. Why would they want a massive, expensive omnibus to appeal to THAT audience and not themselves? It’s the kind of environment where you might hand your biggest franchise character, the character that could legitimately lay claim to “starting this all,” to a director with a shallow, key-jangling, Randian vision of objectivism that means his inherent might makes him inherently right. He doesn’t need humanizing, his entire point is that he’s an inhuman god detached from the petty woes of stupid ants scrabbling for meaning in an uncaring world. Doesn’t that sound strangely like the loudest complaints people have always had about the character?
I’m not here to re-litigate the Snyderverse movies, I’m not here to defend the James Gunn Superman movie (I haven’t even seen it, as of the writing of this article), I’m here to say: it’s strange that filmmakers from Snyder to Burton all seem to think, when they take on a project like this, they’re the first one to ever have an idea like: Superman is CORRUPT. Or Superman is POWERLESS. Or Batman KILLS! Or Spider-Man has real-world PROBLEMS! They want to shatter a mold that’s already hanging up in a comics museum in 4 broken pieces, yet they think their vision is unique, special, and more adult than anything in comics. The irony can be seen from space.
The most common complaint you’ll hear anyone say about Superman is that he’s just “too boring.” He’s overpowered, so he can do anything, and there’s no peril in a hero who can do anything. Well, okay, he can’t do ANYTHING. There’s this green rock that fucks him up good, but otherwise? Totally invulnerable. Oh! Except magick, he has basically no resistance to that beyond a normal person’s because magick is a fundamental force, not an Earth-based one. Oh, also: that same rock from before? It screws with his mood when it’s encountered in other colors, but that doesn’t count cause I personally don’t find it compelling and they once had a pink one, so it’s stupid forever. The color pink doesn’t belong anywhere near the bright, cheery, uplifting world of fantasy superheroes! And, of course, there’s a half-dozen alien supervillains who can genuinely go toe-to-toe with him in a punchfight! Plus the interdimensional imp that can do anything and likes to mess with him. Oh, even his regular-ass human arch-rival has robots and power armor that can at least make him rate in a punchfight too! But otherwise, he’s SUPER boring and impossible to write a credible threat for. Except when he’s evil. When he’s evil, he’s interesting because he has even fewer limitations, that’s REALLY when he’s interesting! When he has EVEN FEWER limits!
You start to see where this is a deeply weird complaint, yeah? It’s why the character has often been the subject of social issues since his inception: no matter how much power someone has, they can’t solve fundamental problems of humanity. He was created as an overt power fantasy by two European-Jewish immigrants in the 1930s who wanted to imagine a comic book character so ridiculously powerful, he could solve the World War currently raging across Europe in a few seconds. Yes, while Captain America was punching Hitler in the jaw on the cover of his comics, Superman was plucking Stalin and Hitler out of their respective headquarters and gently delivering them to International Prison. Problem solved forever! And thus was born a modern Herakles. Or Beowulf. Or Sun Wukong. Or Robin Hood. Or Rama. Or…Paul Bunyan? No, he’s boring: Johnny Appleseed? Huh… Yeah, we kinda sucked at modern mythmaking before superheroes, didn’t we? Except all those forest cryptids, Calamity Jane, John Henry Irons, you know: the ones that people still reference. And that gets to the heart of why Superman can come off so boring: he’s a primordial being of fiction. He’s one of the first superheroes, a genre that’s recently become more like a medium to have genres within! But he also needs to come out with three comic book issues every single month, come hell or high water!
And here’s the thing (not Ben Grimm), I get it. I do. Superman has all of the powers and he got them by being born on another planet and coming to this one. In many ways, he’s the jingoist nightmare of immigration realized: someone who arrives and does better simply because they were born somewhere else. Writing a story where he’s imperiled isn’t the easiest thing in the world, despite my above list, but I hardly think it’s worth the gallons of analog and digital ink spilled over the decades to describe what an impossibility it is. And here’s where I would normally recommend the transcendental All-Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely, except I’m not going to do that. Mr. Myxlplyk’s not the only one with a trick or two up his interdimensional imp sleeve! A lot of people probably already have recommended the book, and I probably agree with most of them because it is absolutely worth all the hype. But I’ll tell you something funny: when I first read All-Star Superman, when I was 20 and had just started in a comic book store for the first time? I hated it. I despised it. I thought it was the most overrated schlock I had ever put my eyes to, and I’d been deeply ensconced in comics for two, maybe even THREE, whole years! It’s bright and colorful, and the characters have this odd look to them where they don’t look traditionally beautiful or glamorous, but they don’t look “ugly,” they’re just…ODD! What was this book DOING?! I hated it. Passionately! And then a very funny thing happened around the same time: people started taking Batman way too fucking seriously. Myself included.
All-Star Batman & Robin: The Boy Wonder (written by Frank Miller, drawn by Jim Lee, and yep: that’s the whole title) came out around the same time, the two books were meant to be “twins” in celebrating the legacy of both characters, and perhaps even starting something new. Things did not pan out that way. Batman & Robin became this bizarre time capsule of ultra-edgelord, reactionary writing as Miller seemed to internalize internet feedback in real time and openly mocked it in the pages of the issues as they came out, each more delayed than the last. Each snipe and swipe at the very fanbase that was supposed to be supporting the title seemed less and less biting, accurate, or even necessary. While it managed a few startlingly good issues, it was never at the level of All-Star Superman. Because I can tell you the NEXT time I read that book, it just clicked and I suddenly understood the hype.
And I wouldn’t deny anyone that experience, instead I’m going to swerve and talk about Emperor Joker. And that’s going to be tricky, because Emperor Joker wasn’t a planned, prestige, mega-collection, it was a story that stretched across the normal monthlies of various ongoing Superman titles. Passed from the hands of Jeph Loeb, JM DeMatteis, Mark Schultz, and Joe Kelly and that’s not even getting into the artists! Except I am getting into them! Don’t like it? Don’t read comics! We’ve got Ed McGuinness, Cam Smith, Tanya & Richard Horle, Richard Starkings, Mike Miller, Jose Marzan Jr., Kano, Marlo Alquiza, Carlo Barberi, Scott McDaniel, Duncan Rouleau, Todd Nauck, Jaime Mendoza, Richard Bonk, Richard Starkings, Armando Durruthy, Bill Oakley, Ken Lopez, and Moose Baumann along with WildStorm FX and Comicraft (WHEW!)
Written from the ground up to be Superman Vs The Joker, the ultimate do-see-do, or “Castling,” as it’s also called in the pages of Superman/Batman (by Loeb and McGuiness), the arch-nemesis of Batman is menacing the Big Blue Boyscout! Now, of course, there’s some heavy-lifting to be done to make those two stand on equal footing, and the Joker’s trick of Emperor Joker is, of course, the creative team does exactly that! Without introducing any new characters or breaking any existing rules, the creative team brings Joker well beyond Superman’s level and takes the audience along for the ride.
There’s going to have to be a few necessary spoilers, but the title of the collected issues itself is a spoiler: we open on Arkham Asylum with a black-suited Superman breaking out after declaring he isn’t insane and will no longer be held. Tearing through the Asylum into a world gone mad, he’s immediately confronted by the Joker’s League of Anarchy, led by the ever-irritating Bizarro, who keep stomping Supes back into the Asylum. Every night, Superman tries to leave, and every night he’s forced to yield and return, trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results in a world where insanity is the new norm. The Joker being behind everything isn’t even revealed until nearly midway through the title, it was called Superman: Arkham Asylum until then, but his presence is all over the opening half.
Superman and Steel, renamed Hank Aaron Irons in what feels like a veiled jab at the character’s original ham-fisted moniker, are at the forefront of the fight for rationality in a world where reality has truly come asunder. The other Justice League characters are all brilliantly re-imagined satirical takes on their most glaring flaws, and the villainous team is made up almost entirely of new creations from Loeb and McGuinness, but none are so wildly powerful that they become a backdoor contrivance to get the creators out of this pickle of a plot. There’s even a red-herring or two on the team to let the reader think they’re two steps ahead of the creators, but it never feels like a rug-pull when the truth is revealed. The creators ARE going to return to the status quo by story’s end, but they’re also not just going to have Mr. Terrific invent a Reality Machine to just “fix everything” after they run out of ideas for credible threats.
While I don’t think the team set out to do this from the start, the whole story reminds me of an anecdote Frank Miller and Alan Moore both tell of when they were tired at a comic convention’s end way back in the ‘80s, and had sat down to just shoot the shit over food, drinks, and to just recharge some of that energy that’s lost on the “working” side of convention life. They started talking about their writing methods and processes as peers often do and they began to debate and one-up each other on the worst situation they could put Superman in and still be able to write their way credibly out of: both settled on “Superman In Hell” being the most compelling. Rather brilliantly, that’s what Emperor Joker is: it’s Superman in Hell. But it’s Hell as shaped by the DCU and its decades-long history and stories. Supes is the only sane person in a world forced to go mad by The Joker and his near-omnipotent stolen power. And I hear you! The DCU is known for some of the most OP space gods in all comics, so surely the answer is just the Spectre, Darkseid, Ganthet, or some boring cosmic crap head just fixin- nope, stop, they’re there. They’ve been accounted for with one of the most “it was definitely the year 2000 when they wrote this” references possible.
I promise, as someone who was there: it was funny at the time…ok, it was funny-ISH at the time.
This isn’t some Johnny-Come-Lately filmmaker with his head below the clouds because “gray skies are cooler” thinking they’re the first person to try and break the foundational rules of a character and world whose history goes back almost a century, these are comic book writers and artists who know their shit because they live that shit. Once you stop trying to find loopholes in the story that this team is telling, you might even find yourself really enjoying it. It’s chock to the brim with background gags, references to deep-cut characters, and even pop culture of the time, and that all feels like part of the point. And the book is incredible, it’s one of the best Superman stories ever told. And Batman’s even in there too! And, oh he’s so brooding. He’s so grim. He’s so everything the weird martyr fanbois want out of their rich gadget Daddy, and he’s not even funny once! And it’s fucking tragic.
There’s a reason the same few Superman books are being recommended by a lot of people now: they’re stand-outs that are still referenced by modern creators for making the character more than he was: a rough, blunt power fantasy for people who were truly disempowered at the time. But he’s still that too! He IS still hard to write for, harder now than ever! It’s hard to continuously imagine problems he can’t punch, heat-vision, or frost-breath his way out of, it’s why him being a tentpole character is so WEIRD: he should be a character who only shows up when he’s needed. He’s perhaps the least suited to being written constantly and by a deadline rather than by an idea, because the quality floor is so much lower than someone like Batman, who seems to cycle through ideas like changes of costumes.
It’s little surprise that people gravitate toward the one of those two that seems more approachable, but c’mon, now, be real. Is Batman REALLY “unpowered,” or is he just very conveniently written? He’s not even “rich as a superpower lol wink nudge,” he’s got a pocket-dimension belt and gadget-crafting like Forge from the X-Men. That’s all. There’s nothing he can’t buy or invent in a single night in his lab, he’s just as OP and boring as Superman when he’s written badly. Apologies if this is news to you, but if you like “realism over superpowers,” you should know: there’s no real “body-armor reinforced eighty times with Super-American Military Kevlar Weaves and Uncle Sam’s Own Reaganomics Plating” enough for someone like Bane, Killer Croc, or a cosmic space-warlord to punch him hard enough to detach his head and still let him “walk it off.” If you want to get into stuff like “ninja training in the mountains,” I’d really like to ask for clarification on how that’s more “real” than giving him a magickal flaming sword, a suit of mystical armor, and calling him “Azrael the Batknight.” If Ra’s al-Ghul gets no credit for having no powers, then neither does Batman. He’s just OP with tech and convenience rather than magick or alien biology.
But here’s the thing (STILL not Ben Grimm) that’s important: Wonder Woman is OP. Green Lantern is OP. Plastic Man and Aquaman are OP. Jimmy Olson and Crazy Quilt are OP! Characters are only as powerful or weak as the creators who bring them to the page. That sounds obvious, but apparently not, people still talk about characters like they make their own decisions. People see a character with the multi-layered powers of a living alien god, one who came from the stars and is now trapped on a planet where people equally ask him to solve all their problems and warn him to not do too much because they hate being ruled, and he doesn’t even want to conquer, he wants to co-exist. If you were given that character and your first thought was, “BUT WHO CAN HE CREDIBLY PUNCH REAL HARD?!” maybe…just MAYBE…the character isn’t the one who’s being boring?
He’s the ultimate deus-ex machina, but he can still be vulnerable. And not just his Canon List of Plot-vulnerablilities, vulnerable in an emotional, human way. Or an aloof, alien way! He can be unapproachable by normal humans, and still be a decent person under it all. One of my favorite Superman moments involves Green Arrow and Black Canary trying to save their son Arsenal’s life while trapped at-sea. Arsenal’s taken an arrow to the torso, everyone on the boat is panicking, and then Green Arrow begins whispering the name “Clark,” gradually getting louder until he is full-throated screaming the name. The book smash-cuts to the Daily Planet in Metropolis where we see Clark Kent’s ears perk up, his eyes widen, he hears fear in cherished friend’s voice calling his real name. And suddenly Superman is landing in the boat, picks up Arsenal, tells everyone the hospital he’s taking him to and leaves. Yes, they’re still technically stranded at-sea, but he knows: the rest of the crew is resourceful enough to get back to land, just not fast enough to save Arsenal’s life. But Superman has that covered, because he’s Superman. He shows up when and where he’s most needed, sometimes even in someone else’s book! But not always. Never always. These characters don’t exist in a vacuum, at least not in the stories that stand the test of time. The way they’re written matters, the way they’re drawn matters, and the way they change matters the most. And I’d say no one superhero has changed more over the years than Superman.
Which is why he isn’t boring. He’s just very hard to get right.
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The school police officer who waited over an hour to respond to multiple calls of an active school shooter is reported to relentlessly pursue skateboarders from wallriding all five bells spread across the high school campus.
“The department spent a lot of money on this golf cart, and I’m sure they don’t want me getting it all shot up,” said Officer Richard “Dick” Black, 43, the school’s assigned resource officer. “No, they want me to chase down these skateboarding hooligans who are menacing our community. It’s not just the bells they’re screwing with, either. Any classroom that has a poster of the alphabet on the wall soon finds that they’re missing the same five letters: A, E, K, S, and T. There must be some kind of connection between those letters, but, hey, I’m not a detective. No, I’ve got one job, and it has nothing to do with ensuring kids make it out of school alive. My job is to hassle people who can’t fight back.”
Students who survived the shooting were shocked at the officer’s behavior.
“There I was, laying down with day-old taquera sauce spread on my scalp to look like blood, pretending to be dead,” recounted skateboarder and school shooting survivor Camden Gibbs, 16. “I thought the same cop who chased me with his nightstick for wallriding a bell would pursue the gunman with the same vigor. I was wrong. The full force of his power he wielded unto us skaters: golf carts, night vision goggles, that body armor suit with the weird neck for bomb disposal. But when it counted, he had no courage for an actual threat.”
Los Angeles County School Board superintendent Phillip Fuentes came out in full support of the school police officer.
“I salute all brave men and women in uniform who are doing their job protecting our expensive bell system, our first line of defense in a highly integrated safety network designed to warn students about active shooters,” said Fuentes, noting the recent installation of a fifth bell on top of the roof by the pool. “We’ve spent countless dollars maintaining and repairing the system over the last sixteen years, but we believe it has many productive years ahead if not destroyed by low-life skaters. After all, if the bells won’t protect our children, who will?”
At press time, local officers attempted to rehabilitate their reputation by violently assaulting skaters on Main Street, near O’Neil’s Bar and Grill.
NEW DONK CITY — Princess Peach’s chief steward Toadsworth has recently stated that he is not yet ready to endorse Pauline for mayor of New Donk City.
“We don’t really know each other that well,” stated Toadsworth to press. “Our districts don’t overlap and we’ve never had a substantive conversation. So until that happens I just don’t know if Pauline is the right candidate for me to give my endorsement to. There are many positives I see in her campaign but many negatives as well. I’ve been in this game a long time now so I won’t endorse just anybody even if their only competition is maniacally evil. I really have to weigh my options to make sure I’m endorsing the candidate that will be the best for the citizens of New Donk City. Whether that’s Pauline or Kamek remains to be seen.”
Many members of the Toad establishment reacted with alarm to Pauline’s victory in the mayoral primary.
“Her platform is simply too radical and it will alienate voters,” claimed Toadette. “I mean song and dance numbers? High quality of living? No kidnappings of government officials? Madness. She wants to completely restructure the fabric of what the Mushroom Kingdom is. She’ll lead voters right to the Bowser party. What we need is someone who can appeal to both sides while doing absolutely nothing to stop Bowser’s evil plans from progressing.”
While the New Donk City voters believe that Pauline will help bring about positive change to the city, especially in the face of the rising threat of Bowser, Toadsworth isn’t so sure.
“It’s great that she was able to rally the voter base but many of her ideas are just not how you deal with the threat that the Koopa movement brings. Sure making life better for everyone sounds good on paper but that’s just not how this kingdom works. You can’t just decide to make things better and then make sweeping changed to actually do it. Fixing the systematic issues that lead to support of Bowser isn’t how we do things. We call Mario to stomp on some heads, then do nothing to dole out any lasting consequences so Bowser is enabled to try again. It’s what keeps our economy going.”
At press time, the Toads have launched an investigation into Pauline over her alleged past with Donkey Kong.
PRINCESS PEACH’S CASTLE — Mario 64 cameraman Lakitu revealed that you’re going to have to replay the famed 1996 action platformer because he forgot to hit “Record” on his camera, aggravated sources report.
“Oh man, I’m so sorry about this,” Lakitu groaned as he buried his face in his hands. “Normally I’m really diligent about making sure my equipment is all set up to capture your playthrough, but I guess I was just getting used to my new 3D space. Also, I was nervous about Bowser having just kidnapped Princess Peach, and I guess it just slipped my mind. You’re going to have to come back here and start again, back at Bob-omb Battlefield. I’m recording this time, I promise. And again, dude, I feel terrible and I hope you can forgive me.”
You reacted to the news with anger and disbelief.
“I can understand us getting a minute or two into the playthrough before Lakitu realizes this, but all 120 stars?” you bristled. “I went through the entire thing, including hopping into the outside cannon and shooting myself up to the roof to meet Yoshi. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to do this again. Honestly, Lakitu himself gave me that little tutorial before I even entered the castle in the first place. Maybe he would have benefited from paying attention to his little lecture. This is just unbelievable.”
King of the Koopas and Princess Peach’s captor Bowser saw an opportunity in Lakitu’s mistake.
“This is actually pretty good news for me,” Bowser admitted. “I didn’t bring my A game the last time you played, and to be honest, you got lucky when you defeated me. You and I both know your aim isn’t that good, so you were incredibly fortunate to be able to twirl me into those bombs three times in a row. Well, I’m definitely not going to let it happen again, you can count on that. I’ll make Peach my wife, and you will never get that cake that she promised you.”
At press time, the batteries in Lakitu’s camera died as you were finishing up Tick Tock Clock.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a recent report from the National Weather Service, experts have concluded that close to 90% of all Americans flipped to the cool side of their anime girl body pillow during the recent widespread heat wave, sources confirm.
“We’re not sure what to call this specific phenomenon,” says Chief Meteorologist, Nick Ramirez. “But we are excited to use this new found data of anime lovers and hentai freaks across the country, hopefully to more accurately predict future weather emergencies.”
Across the country, sweaty Americans have shed layers, kicked away blankets, and flipped the four-foot-long plush cushion depicting beloved animated waifus.
“Every time I do it I feel like an unfaithful husbando, but this heat has been unbearable,” said Tucker Morrow, local anime fan and outspoken body pillow flipper. “I know the memory foam is going to remember this, please forgive me Kamiko-san.”
While the widespread heatwave has caused power outages and uncomfortable citizens, it has also produced significant positive data for the anime girl body pillow industry, which hopes to use this information to increase future sales.
“A microfiber case, body-cooling foam technology, and double-sided designs are just a few key breakthroughs we’ve had studying this recent heat wave and its effects on our clientele,” said Courtney Nyguen, head researcher at mangamanifest.com, a website specializing in custom waifu pillows. “It’s honestly something we should’ve caught years ago, but our customer base tends to direct their complaints to more specific areas.”
As the future forecast shows lower temps, Nyguen and her team will continue to monitor message boards and social media for any more leads on how to optimize their customer experience.
At press time, dozens have been saved from the Central Texas flash floods due to their body pillows unexpected buoyancy.