Public Opinion of Iron Fist at Lowest Point Since That Shitty Netflix Show

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

NEW YORK — Danny Rand just can’t catch a break! A new report has just come out concluding that the publics’ opinion of the Marvel character Iron fist is at an all time low due to the characters overpowered fuckery in the popular game, Marvel Rivals. Approval ratings for Iron Fist haven’t been this low since that god awful Netflix show back in 2017.

“Yeah it’s really a shame and not what we had hoped for with this character,” said Roy Thomas, one of the creators of the character in a recent Reddit AMA. “When Gil and I created the character we just wanted to make another boring billionaire that fights bad guys or whatever. Not some bitch who gets in your face every 5 seconds until you rage quit and go back to playing Overwatch!”

Many players have complained the character needs a nerf in Rivals but that may be too little too late. It seems unlikely the Immortal Iron Fist will reach cult favorite status like Moon Knight or Psylocke. It would take some truly insane stunt casting in a potential MCU feature film to rocket the character into the spotlight like Robert Downey Jr. did for Iron Man.

“Look, all I know is that I gave it my best shot,” said the guy who played him in the Netflix show. We wrote down his name but somehow still forgot it. “I did everything that was asked of me! I hardly worked out and phoned in a mediocre performance mostly in sweatpants. If that wasn’t enough to do justice to the character then I’m not sure what else fans wanted. I fought a dragon you know? I mean we didn’t really show that part in the show but you get it.”

Marvel fans will just have to put up with the K’un Lun killer until they decide to nerf him or “get good” according to one Iron Fist main we asked. Unfortunately it seems for most players this version of the character may be even more frustrating than the portrayal given to us by Phil Jonas or whatever his name was.

At press time, when asked to comment about possibly bringing back actors from the Netflix show in a new series a la Daredevil Born Again, Kevin Fiege responded “What Netflix Show?”

I Played Every Hero in Marvel Rivals and Forgot to Pick up my Kids From School: My Review of the Game and Also Child Protective Services

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Hey guys! It’s ya boy MrLMFAOMayo here to tell you guys about my experience checking out Marvel Rivals over the first month of release. Also for a little bit of a bonus I’m gonna mention my brief sojourn to my local Child Protective Services building, which may have been related to me forgetting to pick up my kids while i was gaming all day to bring you the best Marvel Rivals coverage this side of the interwebs, let’s jump into it gang!

So right off the bat I know what you’re all wondering “Is this game basically Overwatch with Marvel characters?” and while it does have a lot of similarities, I think it does differ in a few ways. I mean keeping track of the objective is still a big part of the game, I found myself a couple of times forgetting to stay on the payload both in and out of the game.

Like for instance when playing a flanker like Moon Knight it’s easy to forget to stay on the point to get the capture. Just like while deep in a Rivals gaming sesh it’s super easy to forget to pickup the payload that is your kids and bring them back home safely. But these are just basic mistakes anyone can make and you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, no matter how much that bitch Linda down at CPS yells at you about it!

Like with all games though it’s really most important that you’re having fun. So make sure you play around a bit and try out every character. You’re gonna want to make sure you don’t get too attached right away cuz you never know when someone is gonna instalock Winter Soldier if he’s your main.

Just like how you never know when your ex wife is gonna swoop in and take your kids away and call you an irresponsible man child and a failure and threaten to never let you see them again. The point is, it’s good to have options! Maybe tryout the Punisher for a game or have some new kids! Just give it some thought.

Now I know you guys are probably gonna want some advice on the META on this game and frankly in my opinion it’s still kinda changing. Right now Iron Fist is still the most troublesome to play against in most 1 on 1 fights so if you can get good with him I recommend it. You’ll definitely attract a lot of toxicity in chat though.

Kinda like when my kids talk about their mom’s new boyfriend Kyle all the time. Much like Iron Fist punching you in the face repeatedly, the thought of Kyle banging my wife is constantly being pummeled into my head and for sure causing a lot of tunneling and even tilting as a dad on my part.

So yeah I guess in conclusion I’d say if you haven’t picked the game up go ahead, I’ll for sure try and keep you guys updated with my thoughts on future updates if I can. May be a bit of a gap between videos if I can’t beat this child neglect charge but I think I’ll be okay. My Lawyer is like Cloak and Dagger, adaptable and annoying as hell.

10 Public Domain Ideas for Your Next Hack Horror Script

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Are you a hack ass Hollywood executive looking for your next big script? Are you bankrupt of creativity and vision? Do you like knives and recycling old IP? If you said yes to any of the above, then I’ve got a list for you. If you’re running a major studio, you know developing and releasing new IP is so hard. Not to mention you also have to market it and find a stupid audience. Fret not my fellow nepo babies. The public domain is here to save the day! Below are the top 10 properties in the public domain (or soon to be) that are ripe for a stabby reimagining.

10. The Great Gatsby

What if we added murder to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s roaring 20s classic? Instead of being caught up on one broad and throwing parties to win her over, what if Jay Gatsby went on a killing spree to impress her? No one on East Egg or West Egg would be safe from his bloodlust. To make it a little more artsy-fartsy we can have Jay paint the green light on the dock red, with the blood of his victims. Guaranteed box office smash.

EDIT: My editor has informed me there is already murder in the book. Sorry, I never finished reading it, but it sounds like the murder I’m proposing is much sexier than what Mr. Fitzgerald wrote.

9. Steamboat Willie

I know, I know. It’s already been done, but hear me out. Two words, elevated horror. All the kids are raging about it. We’ve got our best AI applications, er I mean workers already working out how to define “elevated horror”. So far they’ve got less stabbing, more thinking. I know thinking is below your pay grade, but try this on for size. We have Steamboat Willie be a representation of something. It’s like a metaphor, you know? We’ll let the writers figure that out. They love subtext.

8. Archie Comics

You know what you need for successful horror cinema? Sexy teenagers on the pointy end of a knife. Hollywood is flush with sexy twenty-somethings ready to play sexy teenagers at the drop of a hat. Just imagine Glen Powell as Jughead. Sure, it’s a little shaky what we actually can and can’t use from Archie comics, but they’re print media, so fuck’em.

EDIT: My editor has informed me that Glen Powell is not a sexy twenty-something. He’s a sexy thirty-something.

7. Peter Pan

You know what’s good for business? Dead kids. Imagine, if instead of luring kids to Neverland, where they never grow up, Peter Pan instead stabs children and they in turn, never grow up.

6. Sleeping Beauty

What if true love’s kiss doesn’t awaken beauty? What if true love’s kiss instead awakens a nightmare? Aurora awakens to a new world around her. Not only has she discovered her whole life has been a lie, but now this lizard lipped prince is hovering over her, disturbing the best sleep she’s ever gotten. You can’t blame her when she grabs the Prince’s sword and lobs his head off, thus beginning a killing spree that can only be stopped by true love’s kiss.

5. The Wizard of Oz

I smell a franchise with this one. We’ve already got a phenomenal final girl in Dorothy. We just need to pick a killer and hand them a Victorinox or a Cutco Knife (whichever knife company your corporation owns). The higher ups will be thrillified by our corporate synergy.

4. DareDevil

Hold off true believers, this is not who you think it is. This is Lev Gleason Publication’s Golden Age, boomerang-wielding vigilante, DareDevil. His alter-ego, Bart Hill, fell mute after witnessing his father’s murder and grows up to take out bad guys with a giant boomerang. For our public domain cash grab we’re going to make old Bart the villain and change his boomerang into a sharp glaive. Also, legal says we have to change his superhero name to avoid upsetting “The Mouse”. I think we can get away with D4R3D3V1L.

3. Night of the Living Dead

We got zombies! We can do zombies! The movie basically writes itself. Do we give the zombies kives? No no no, that’s too much. We’ll give one zombie one knife and call it a day.

2. The Beverly Hillbillies (Season 1 Only)

Jed Clampett is a fool. As a fellow Missourian myself, if I strike oil while hunting a rabbit, I am not moving my daughter, my mother-in-law, and my slack-jawed, mouth breathing cousins into a mansion in Beverly Hills with me. I’m going solo. The only reason I could think Jed would stick it out with his family is that he feared the law taking chunks of his newfound wealth from him. With that in mind, I present The Beverly Hillbillies Massacre. When Jed strikes gold he sees a future for himself outside of Missouri. The only thing that stands between him and his happiness is his coatriding kin.

1. Calvin and Hobbes

Ok, the rights on this one are dicey. We can use Bill Watterson’s lovable comic strip characters, but there’s a catch. They’re technically not in the public domain, but we can use them as long as we depict them urinating on something. We can’t steal from Watterson, but we can steal from those who have already stolen from Watterson. So let’s do a dark humor film where our killer, after having murdered a victim (with one of your corporation’s knives) he pisses on them.

EDIT: My editor has informed me this will be my last list with the site.

Depressed Man Unable to Afford Therapy Buys 4K Blu-ray Player Instead

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — Despite not being able to afford to go to therapy, local depressed man Patrick Cole’s friends have confirmed he’s been in better spirits lately after he purchased a new 4K Blu-ray player instead of seeking professional help.

“I haven’t seen him crack a smile in weeks but yesterday he was grinning ear to ear after watching The Beekeeper 4K Blu-ray,” Cole’s friend Michael Graves wrote on social media. “Things have been really rough for him lately. He’s just had no passion for life and we’ve been urging him to get help so it’s really great to see he did.”

Cole himself posted about his experience, urging others who suffer from depression to seek out their own 4K Blu-ray player before it’s too late.

“I was in a really dark place and needed help. Luckily I have people who care about me that got me on the right path. Unfortunately therapy is really expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so that just wasn’t an option. But a 4K Blu-ray player was within my means and now I’m a totally different person. I’ve never been happier. Sure all the deep-seated underlying causes of my depression are still present but now I can watch all these 4K movies in Dolby Vision whenever I want without having to worry about whether it’s on a streaming service or if David Zaslav will erase it from history. To all others who suffer from depression, I urge you to forget therapy and get a 4K Blu-ray player as soon as possible.”

In a press statement, Panasonic spokesperson John Copeland shared that the company will begin marketing specifically towards people suffering from depression.

“In the age of digital streaming where people mind numbingly scroll through the void in order to find some semblance of light in their lives, we realize that our DP-UB820 4K Blu-ray player is the only thing that can give people hope. In this day and age, in this economy, it makes no financial sense to pay the exuberant prices for therapy when you can instead buy our premium player and enjoy true happiness the way only a nice collection of movies can. You’ll still hate yourself deep down and you’ll still lack purpose in life but you’ll always know that your movies will be available to watch in the most beautiful crystal clear picture. No algorithm will ever take that away.”

At press time, David Zaslav reportedly held an emergency meeting to see if it was possible to delete people’s Blu-rays.

2025 Welcomes Birth of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Future Girlfriend

Posted on by RJ Dralle

LOS ANGELES — On January 1, 2025 at 12:02am, the new year welcomed a brand-new baby girl, Jocelyn Marie Caan, who in just a short eighteen years will become Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest lover.

“I can already tell she’s going to be a keeper. Well, at least until she turns twenty-five,” said an ecstatic DiCaprio lounging in the hospital waiting room, smoking a cigar in celebration.

New mother, Marissa Caan, laying in her hospital bed holding the Oscar winner’s future plaything spoke to reporters about the exciting news.

“To hear the doctor tell us that our baby girl is a beautifully healthy baby. That she has all ten fingers and toes, AND that Leonardo DiCaprio thinks she’s going to be smoking hot! We were so relieved,” Caan said as she held a picture of DiCaprio in front of her newborn’s face. “We’re both so thankful she’s going to have a second, wealthier daddy to pay her college tuition. Now I can build a minibar instead,” added Arthur Caan, Jocelyn’s father.

But not every parent at the hospital was as happy about this news as the Caans.

“We were told that there was nothing this hospital could do to make our new baby attractive enough for Leo,” said George Resnik, new father to a baby that won’t get anywhere close to dating a famous person. “All the plastic surgeons are off for the holidays and by the time they get back it will be too late. Instead, we were told that we have to accept the fact that our sweet, baby girl may just have to settle for Jared Leto in the future. It’s just so devastating to hear.”

At press time, Mr. DiCaprio gave one last embrace to his future bae before heading to his current girlfriend’s 26th birthday party to break up with her.

10 Video Game Characters Who Would Rock Out on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert

Posted on by Nick Coffman

There are few things better in life than learning that your favorite band or artist has performed a Tiny Desk Concert on NPR. The only problem is that the performers must be real people, meaning you’ll never see any of your favorite video game characters on the series. Here are ten characters that we would be pumped for.

 

Love Fist (Grand Theft Auto:Vice City)

This one is for sure a reach, but a metal head can dream. Love Fist hasn’t performed together in over 30 years. Willy, the band’s bassist, hasn’t even been seen in public since distancing himself from the band in 1992. At their peak in the mid-80s, the band seemed poised to rule the world, with chart toppers like Fist Till Morning and Fist Fury. You couldn’t walk down the street without someone shouting at you, “Our love rockets are too aroused.” Just imagine, the band back together for an unplugged rendition of their first EP. Maybe one day

Must Play Track: Fist Fury

Freddy & Friends (Five Nights at Freddy’s Series)

FNaF Finatics have been begging for a Tiny Desk performance from Freddy & Friends since the band first started performing. The souls that inhabit these animatronic performers have so much soul. Sure, some of the music is a bit corporate, but hopefully the stripped down sound of a desk performance would bring the soul back to Freddy and the gang.

Must Play Track: Their covers are always the best

PaRappa The Rapper (PaRappa the Rapper Series)

PaRappa The Rapper is hot off a beef with Chance the Rapper, and his paw is still on the gas pedal. Rising to prominence in the mid-90s, Parappa’s career seemed to be a flash in the pan, but his work has passed the test of time and to quote the dog himself “Has a longevity that outlast both Chance and his marriage.” PaRappa’s funk flow will shine should he get the chance to kick, punch, and chop through a Tiny Desk set.

Must Play Track: MC King Kong Mushi

U-1, The Legendary Gitaroo Man (Gitaroo Man)

U-1 and the supporting characters that made up his career were born to be on Tiny Desk Concert. You’re telling me a live performance of Bee’Jam Blues wouldn’t kill an NPR intern from how awesome it is? Get this man his guitar and get him behind the desk.

Must Play Track: Born to be Bone

The Indigo-Go’s (The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)

You’d have to fill the NPR offices with gallons of seawater to make this one a reality, but it would be worth it. The scond generation of The Indigo-Go’s really made a name for themselves back in 2000, heading out on a world tour that spanned across the seven seas. Sadly, the band doesn’t tour much these days due to lead singer, Lulu’s constant bouts with shore vocal cords and depression. One would think a lowkey setting like the Tiny Desk would be perfect for these Zora rockstars.

Must Play Track: New Wave Bossa Nova

Dandelion (The Witcher Series)

If you can keep him from flirting with all the maidens in the office, Dandelion doesn’t need much to perform behind the desk. Just don’t take all his tales inbetween songs at face value.

Must Play Track: Toss a Coin to Your Witcher

Donkey Kong (Donkey Konga Series)

This is another tough one, cause obviously you want him to do the DK Rap, but he would very much rather play his bongos. His last three studio albums have all been bongo based, which is fine, but come on Donkey Kong, we want to hear the hits. Maybe we can let him do three bongo songs and then he’ll feel more inclined to rap for everyone. 

Must Play track: The DK Rap

You (Guitar Hero Series)

You think we’d forget you? We remember the late 2000s and the blisters on your fingers from trying to master Through the Fire and Flames. It sucks that you sold your guitar for beer money, but maybe we can find one in the NPR offices, that you can use for your performance. Just don’t get mad and throw it down when you miss a note in your song, big guy.

Must Play Track: Free Bird

K.K. Slider (Animal Crossing Series)

K.K. has been traveling from town to town, playing music for over 20 years now. No other discography can compete with his. Just a dog and his guitar bebopping about and creating some of the heaviest tunes you’ve ever heard. Getting him behind the desk may be tricky since he’s so touch and go. Once there, he may try to get away with performing only one track. He’s a one track concert kind of dog, so bask in it.

Must Play Track: K.K. Disco

Jack Black

You knew he was going to be number one before you even started this list. If there’s one video game character that’s avoided the Tiny Desk Concert, it’s been Jack Black and his musical talents. Get him out of the booth and behind the desk. Just don’t let him hear any of the interns making assassination jokes or the whole show is off. 

Must Play Track: When Doves Cry

Silent Protagonist Jinxed Back in Middle School

Posted on by Garry Kerls

PALLET TOWN — After quietly climbing the ranks and becoming the Pokémon League Champion, Red has broken his vow of silence revealing he was jinxed by Blue back in middle school.

“Fucking finally! You don’t know how frustrating it was to walk across the entire region, fight eight gym leaders, the Elite Four, and countless Team Rocket Grunts all while keeping my mouth shut,” he told our sources outside the Indigo Plateau. “After that jackass jinxed me I had two options, either become the greatest Pokémon Trainer in the world, or buy him a soda.”

The incident occurred in the PokéSchool cafeteria when both Red and Blue said “Dewgong these nuts” at the exact same time. Blue quickly jinxed Red rendering him speechless until Blue said his name three times. 

“He came home from school one day and didn’t say a word,” said Red’s Mother as she sat motionless at her kitchen table. “I just assumed he was going through adolescence, and what better way for an eleven year old to come out of his shell than embarking on a cross-country adventure with some little rat thing Professor Oak gave him?”

The young Pokémon Trainer then spent the next several months silently wandering around the Kanto region, aimlessly walking into stranger’s houses, onto cruise ships, and infiltrating an underground crime organization’s secret headquarters. 

“I suppose I should’ve gotten some sort of verbal consent before I thrust a Pokémon into that kid’s hands, but he would’ve been killed if he went into that tall grass alone, I saved his life,” said Professor Oak in an interview with Kanto Quarterly. “I never told him to go become a Pokémon Champion, he did that on his own accord.”

What was chalked up by most as being shyness, anxiety, or a monk-like spiritual vow of silence has finally been revealed, showing that if we listen more and talk less we too could become the very best, like no one ever was. 

At press time, Red has started a podcast where he can yap on and on to his heart’s content. 

10 Things Video Games Have Taught Me to Fear That I Have Not Encountered Once

Posted on by Harpal Khosla

I do not feel prepared for life and I blame video games. Video games have turned me into a paranoid freak. They have put a lot of baseless fears into me that have stunted my growth, and at the ripe age of 34 I can no longer be silent, so here are 10 baseless fears that video games have given me. 

Lava

Never once have I set foot outside, and all of a sudden I am surrounded by molten rock. I thought there would at least be street signs about not to park in certain areas, because a deluge of lava is about to roll through, but instead, it’s just street cleaning and I’ve collected so many tickets I’d rather my car had just melted at this point. 

Poison Swamps

Hidetaka Miyazaki is a fraud and a liar. I have gone to every park in my neighborhood and I have yet to see one poison swamp or for that matter enemies that have adapted to poison swamps. There are no muck-like creatures emblematic of our destruction of the environment or just a weird ass frog!

Showers

I smell awful. I subsist off of wiping myself with the garbage in my room. It sounds like showers could help me out, but honestly, even just the thought of running water scares me so much that I only drink energy drinks.

Girls

I’m told the fairer sex will only use you for your body, betray you, and be bad at giving you ammo, but I have yet to even meet one! Apparently, girls are half the planet, but they don’t seem to be anywhere in my basement unless my mom counts, but moms aren’t girls they’re nags. Am I right? Heh heh. God! I’m so alone!

Minorities

Similar to girls in that I’ve never seen them but I also fear they are making video games and movies bad with DEI. I bet they want to make Batman a black socialist instead of a white billionaire. Nobody is turning Bruce Wayne into Martin Luther King on my watch!

Bad Ping

The horrors of life always seem to render with no lag! Like when my basement flooded and it ruined my PS5 or when Dad left and I never saw him again.

Exclamation Points

Metal Gear taught me that a giant exclamation point pops up above somebody’s head because they were surprised to see you, but that would require me to socially interact with people which is a no-go for me thank you very much. 

Pointless DLC

My life has never expanded past the small corners of its existence. At this point, I would give anything for an expansion pack on my life that is mostly a pointless rehash of its best parts, but instead, it seems like all I’m doing is losing my hair. 

Mimics

Every real-life treasure chest I have ever found has just had actual treasure in it, not a living creature that wants to eat me.

Invisible Walls


Oh, a wall that won’t let me enter a part of the map that hasn’t been developed. Ha! I’ve found I can go anywhere in the world, but that access has filled me with a deep dread and possible agoraphobia. My life is hell!

Halo Infinite Map Converted to Pickleball Court

Posted on by Nick Coffman

REDMOND, Wash. — Halo Studios has announced their plan to convert Halo Infinite multiplayer map ‘Launch Site’ into a pickleball court as part of a new initiative to help with player retention.

“We polled lapsed players on what would get them back into the Halo Infinite ecosystem,” said John Colins, Head of Multiplayer and Pickleball Initiatives at Halo Studios, said in a recent YouTube video. “The second most popular answer was adding in some elements of pickleball to the game. The most popular answer was fixing bugs and balancing the game, so we decided to go with a pickleball court.”

Halo Infinite’s popularity has waned over the years with players opting out of its numerous multiplayer options and instead focusing on pickleball whenever they’re not obsessing and complaining about the game’s dipping Steam Chart number, a trend that Colins said he finds relatable.

“There are many times I find myself on the pickleball court, when I could be fixing a bug or balancing the Gravity Hammer,” Colins admitted in the video, as he tossed a paddle from hand-to-hand. “I get the obsession. That’s why we’re converting Launch Site to a pickleball court. It’s where most players first played Halo Infinite back at launch and it’s where we hope to combine the multiple passions of the player base. There’s also the added benefit of all the noise. Players’ complaints and constant whining will now be drowned out by the hypnotic and comforting tune of paddles passing pickleballs back and forth across the court.”

Outspoken Halo Infinite YouTuber, H4L0GUY343, took to his channel to complain about the planned pickleball courses.

“You can’t just up and change Launch Site. Like yeah, it’s my least favorite map and I don’t play it anymore, but you can’t do that,” H4L0GUY343 said, before the rest of his dumb complaining was drowned out by a nearby game of pickleball.

At press time, Halo Studios confirmed the early success of converting Launch Site to a pickleball court, and committed to converting ten-percent of existing Halo Infinite maps.

Superhero’s Hilarious Quip Delivered to a Mangled Corpse

Posted on by Garry Kerls

NEW YORK — Spider-Man was overheard delivering a lighthearted wisecrack to a bloody, mangled corpse, after the target of his jest reportedly jumped a subway turnstile, the Daily Bugle has confirmed.

“He was very apologetic, saying he was late for his daughter’s piano recital,” said the NYPD officer who last spoke to the victim, who could only be identified by DNA. “I was fine with giving him a warning, but right as he emerged at 42nd and Bryant Park he was abducted, thrown 20 feet into the air, and slammed down, back first, into a fire hydrant.”

Witnesses claim the red menace also wrapped the victim in a sticky, web-like substance, carried him to the top of the New York Public Library, and dangled him over the edge demanding the $2.90 it would’ve cost for the subway trip.

“Look, I’m all for supporting public transportation,” said Alice Denver, a local student who was studying at the time of the incident. “But Spidey may have gone a little too far this time. As a lifelong New Yorker, I’ve seen my fair share of grotesque scenes on the street, but the audacity to throw a humorless jab at a pile of bones and flesh is deplorable. That guy’s not my friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”

The border-line public execution, caught on several bystanders’ cell phones, ended with an ill-advised quip from Spider-Man that has since gone viral on social media.

“This guy’s the worst thing to happen to Subway since Jared!” Spider-Man heroically proclaimed to groans from passersby. “Uh, I mean, maybe next time he’ll take the bus. Life isn’t ‘fare’? C’mon, guys, give me something. This crowd is more dead than the guy I just killed.”

At press time, Spider-Man was still workshopping roasts as a crowd gathered to remember the victim at a candlelight vigil.