It seems like lately there’s been a lot of talk about pseudoscience pervading our public discourse when it comes to subjects like vaccines and alternative medicine. One topic in particular has been met with extreme volatility, especially since Robert F. Kennedy has been appointed Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. I’m talking, of course, about raw milk, whose supposed health benefits he has been known to advocate for. I, for one, stand with R.F.K., because, after all, if raw milk consumption is so dangerous, why does it restore Link’s hearts?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of anti-science nutjob. I actually thought about getting a vaccine once, but ultimately decided against it when a friend of a friend told me he knew somebody who got a kidney stone shortly after getting the flu shot. I’ve just seen more than enough instances of Hyrule’s favorite hero restoring his health after consuming glass bottles of milk that, as far as I can tell, have never been boiled. Let me tell you, I’ve been over every inch of Lon Lon Ranch in my handful of “Ocarina of Time” playthroughs, and I didn’t see a single pasteurization machine. How do you explain that?
Obviously, the only logical conclusion is that, not only is Link completely unaffected by the Listeria and Campylobacter swimming through his favorite beverage, but it is actively making him healthier. Really, you can’t argue with that, and it’s not just specific to “Ocarina of Time”. I just completed “Tears of the Kingdom,” and do you think Link would have been able to defeat Demon King Ganondorf without the bottles of bacteria-riddled milk he obtained from Hateno Village’s General Store? Not fucking likely. You can continue waxing intellectual about the suspected cause of the bloody diarrhea I’ve been suffering over the past couple of weeks, but until you’re able to recover from a Gerudo warlock’s two-handed sword attack, you should probably just shut up.
So yeah, you’re more than welcome to insist that scientific evidence is required before you do something as “shockingly dangerous and stupid” as consuming raw milk, but all the evidence I need has been staring me right in the face over my past several decades of gaming. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I desperately need to run to the bathroom again.
