WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden is refusing to pass the controller to America over to another player in the Democratic party following his disastrous 1V1 against Donald Trump during the first Presidential Debate on June 27th.
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre has been sparring with reporters during daily press briefings, blaming the poor performance of factors out of the President’s control.
“Joe Biden has been playing this game longer than most of the people in this room have been alive. He knows more than anyone that sometimes you just have a bad match, but one bad match doesn’t equate to just handing the controller over to someone else,” Secretary Jean-Pierre said. “It wasn’t even his fault. This was not a skill issue, the reason he kept frequently stopping and stuttering was because of lag and it wasn’t from his end. The President was also playing on an unfamiliar stage, and against an opponent who does not fight fair. Our hope is the upcoming September debate will receive a balance patch that will play to our strengths.”
The Democrats find themselves caught between a desire to ensure victory against Donald Trump, and wishing to avoid drawing the ire of President Biden. The messaging behind closed doors clashing more and more with what members of the party are saying to the press.
“Joe Biden should do what he decides to do and when he decides to do it I will respect whatever he decides,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said on CNN. “If that decision is to decide to make the determination to pass the controller to someone else or to shuffle across the finish I know he will decide which decision is the best one to make a determination about.”
President Biden himself has been openly defiant, white-knuckling the controller and insisting he’s the only one who can beat Donald Trump in November.
“C’mon, man!,” President Biden said during an interview with George Stephanopoulos. “I beat Donald Trump in 2024, and I’ll do it again in 2008, Jack! Everyone’s reaction speeds get slower as they age, but I can still outwit my opponent. Watch me!” When asked what would happen if all the things he had predicted would come to pass if Trump were re-elected and be given the controller to America, Biden said, “All that matters is that I try to do the absolute job to do the job best and what tries is what matters. A little bit of ice cream and all it is is gangbusters. I’ll be fine. And by the way, I’m not using a claw grip, my hands just look like that now.”
At press time, President Biden has locked himself in the Oval Office with the controller while angry Democrats demanding he hand it over patiently wait for him to do so.
