Ahh, lovely day for a video game. You start a mission, ready to go to war all by yourself and save the universe. But wait, here comes a truly annoying character that you are doomed to play the best chapters of the game with. Like you don’t know how to use a shotgun yourself?
You feel like a small child when this NPC guides you through the game. Even worse, sometimes you escort the dumb NPC to their own death aka. mission failure. This is what I spent $70 on?
Sidekicks in video games are like co-workers on a cruise with you. You hate every one of them but guess what? If you want to keep your job, you have to smile through every boss joke, every time Gary orders another drink, etc. Smile away while you rot in hell. The hell of being surrounded by total virtual incompetence.
20) Tails
That orange mutant hyena is supposed to help me? OK, I understand that this game is basically for kids. It’s not like you get to shoot anyone. But seriously? This is it? You have to live with this thing the whole game?
I am the fastest hedgehog that ever lived and now I’m stuck with this creep? No wonder Sega consoles did not make it in the long run.
19) Lance
Remember that moment when Lance’s AI is so botched that you fail your mission because of his poor “decisions?” It’s like you wished for the “last dance for Lance Vance” to start right there the first moment you meet this character. You are after all the baddest guy in Vice City so why you would hang around with other fools is beyond me.
18) Garrus
Imagine going anywhere with someone who looks like this by your side.
17) Cortana
Christ, where to start with this one. You think ChatGPT is stupid? Well, take a look at this sentient moron. Imagine you are inside a perfect game, with perfect weapons, and amazing maps. Then all the sudden this voice comes out, a voice that will follow you through the whole game. Your own name becomes a joke. Master Chief is now called Slave Worker.
You basically have to play Halo Combat Evolved on mute. It’s just so horrible to listen to that jabbering about “the covenant” all day long. Leave me alone for Chief’s sake! I just want to shoot the aliens. Is that too much to ask? “I think we both know the answer to that.” Yeah I bet you do, you artificial dumb dumb.
16) Every Character From Final Fantasy
Basically all the Final Fantasy games suffer from the same thing: You are an idiot and you have to escort other idiots. It becomes like the main thing in this game series that you don’t even recognize your own idiocy anymore. The game is entirely made out of pointless sidekick characters that really take the steam out of “saving the world” or wherever these useless nitwits live.
15) Alyx
In the “masterpiece” known as Half-Life 2, Alyx Vance (related to Lance Vance?) is supposed to be your helping hand while you crawl through the dystopian future of Half-Life. Your name is Gordon FREEman but you can’t even take one step without Alyx breathing down your neck, sad really. What’s even worse is that they made a totally unplayable game called Alyx where you play as the sidekick. Talk about twisting the knife.
14) Drunk Bass Player
Escorting a drunk bass player home from rehearsals is one of the most challenging escort missions one can take. Not because it is extremely difficult, no, it’s just extremely annoying.
First you have to survive by listening to his bullshit hype about how “Our band is going to be the best band ever and we are going to play at Madison Square Garden”. That is clearly nonsense because you are an Imagine Dragons tribute band in Bulgaria. Next you have to listen to him complaining about his only relationship he had like 5 years ago. Third, when you finally get him close to home, he gets stuck in a street corner, vomits and passes out. Restart mission.
13) Yoshi
You thought there would never ever come a more annoying sidekick than Luigi? Well here comes a horse dragon lizard? Whatever that is. Why? No one knows. All I know is life is hell and you have to live everyday.
I say stop playing Nintendo and start playing real games with no sidekicks. How about playing the game of life where you live isolated in a cabin for 20 years without electricity? That will teach you a thing or two about plumbing, and you know what? You don’t need a horse dragon lizard to help you with that job.
12) Ashley
You know what, today I am going to play the original Resident Evil 4. That game rules! Oh look, it’s a dumpster! No wait what’s that, another sidekick. No, it’s the President’s daughter.
The whole game you are in this beautiful zombie infested village where you could actually start a pretty decent life, but surprise surprise you have to save The President’s daughter and when you do find her, you hide her in a dumpster for her own safety. If I was the President’s daughter, I would not get kidnapped in the first place. I would snort cocaine and play walking simulators. ALONE.
11) Wheatly
Here’s a puzzle for you. It is on the side and it kicks. The answer is: yet another sidekick! This time around it’s a talking ball, robot, thing, hoax. This sidekick is basically 1 hour of design work and a game full of annoyance. Just goes to show that the developers really hate gamers, and no it does not help at all that the voice is Stephen Merchant.
10) Satan
Hail Satan! Then again don’t. What if… just what if… Doom was a walking simulator where you could just walk around in Hell and Mars and all the other weird places and just ponder the existence of life itself? No Satan around, no hellish army of satanic bastards anywhere. Just you, shotgun, and the loneliness of hell. With that kind of peace of mind you could become god yourself.
The developers thought otherwise. Satan is everywhere. Always lurking, always watching. It’s a game about shooting your sidekick infinite times. They should call it “Shoot A Sidekick”.
9) Trevor
GTA V has three sidekicks and you can play them all. The worst one is a character called “Trevor”. He is supposed to be this funny sidekick with his drinking problem and anger management issues. In the end he is just a sad man. I don’t think any reasonable human would enjoy playing this vulgar man.
I hate it when they make realistic games like GTA where you just want to put the controller down because it’s all just too real. I’ve met hundreds of “Trevors” in my life and I can tell you there is nothing funny about a man with a drinking problem. It is just sad. I hope GTA VI won’t make the same mistakes. I’ve had it with sex, drugs and violence!
8) Teammates In Every Battlefield
Ok you are in a war setting, it’s a matter of life and death and here comes this rookie who just gave away your spot and you’re killed immediately. You could have been able to win the whole war by yourself. You wanna know how? Easy, just find “Hitler” and kill him. But hey everybody, it’s a group effort from now on! Group effort for suicide! Thanks.
7) David Mills
Let’s face it. Detective William Somerset hates Mills so bad that he orchestrated the whole thing. And who wouldn’t? You are about to retire and they give you a sidekick for seven days. Some young dude with no experience and clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed. What’s inside the box? Disappointment. Not really, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head .
6) Lars Ulrich
You thought his drumming was bad while watching it live? Well try to play with him. One of the worst npc escort missions there is. You start with a bad ass riff and behold here comes a drum fill that makes absolutely no sense! Sadly this game would have been so much better if they would just “And Justice For All” Ulrich out of this.
5) Elizabeth
Another “first person” shooter where you have to interact with other people. Like why do they even call it a “first person” shooter in the first place? Sure you’re the first person, but there’s always a second person and a third person and a fourth person. AND THEY ALL SUCK!
Check out this beautiful city in the sky and explore it. Nope. Here it comes again. You have to rescue someone from this place and listen to their “interesting” notes on the current state of the game’s universe. This time it’s Elizabeth. It could have been Friedrich Nietzsche or Margaret Atwood but no it’s just another npc with horrible social skills.
4) Ellie
It’s quite obvious that Joel was the sidekick in the first game. Then the sidekick got a kick in the head and here comes another one. Ellie. Oh boy, this character ruled in Last Of Us 1. Like RULED. Well not in the tv-series but in the game.
But now in the sequel, sorry Ellie… Abby is clearly the main character. If only you could play this game with only Abby doing her Abby things in the Abby world. I wish in the third part they would kick the “now turned into mindless npc” Ellie out. Abby is the main character of the whole series. Abby is the cure. ABBY IS THE CURE.
And that awkward guitar playing. Why?
3) Bridge Baby
Wow cool you get to play as Daryl Dixon in a beautiful sci-fi setting. But no, you have to carry a baby around. Like everywhere. What the hell is the point of this game? Why do I need to carry a baby around? WHY? I am Daryl Dixon, I am here to kill zombies.
2) Survivors
Talking about zombies. Every npc you have to save in this Dead Rising is a brain dead zombie, you can’t even tell the difference! Another game ruined by sidekicks and mindless npcs. I hate this world.
1) Oxygen
Hey man, take a breath! No I won’t! You know the most annoying sidekick there is? It’s from a game called “life” and you have to breathe it. That’s right it’s called “O”, which stands for OBNOXIOUS. You can’t go anywhere without it! And here is the best part:
If you stop breathing it. You die! Like what the hell? Who made up some stupid garbagelike that? I am perfectly fine just floating in space where nobody can hear me scream.
