I’m sick of reading rankings and tier lists of fighting game characters based on how good they are at fighting. Who cares? I want to know how they are as people. I want to know how they are as partners! So here’s a ranking of all the Mortal Kombat characters by how good I think they would be as a spouse.
#77 — Stryker
40%.
#76 — Reptile
Sorry Reptile-lovers, but Reptile would be a terrible partner. He’s just an absolutely vile guy who spits bile everywhere and probably talks shit about his partners behind their backs. If you see Reptile on your dating app…swipe left!
#75 — Ermac
“We are many; you are one. Your abilities pale before us,” isn’t just some shit Ermac says. It’s something he learned how to say in a pick-up artist class. Yeah, he’s not even negging you out of some insane loser instinct. He paid money to learn how to neg you. Huge loser energy.
#74 — Cetrion
Cetrion is one of those gods who refuses to date anyone other than gods. I dunno why you think you’re better than me just because you think you’re a god, but you know what? Bullet dodged, I guess. Grow up!
#73 — Bo’ Rai Cho
This man is, physically and emotionally, deeply unwell. You do not want to date an alcoholic, who is so addicted to drinking, that he can projectile vomit on command. It’s not funny, Bo. Seek help. We’re all so worried about you (and sick of being farted on).
#72 — Onaga
One of the most important things in any relationship is nightly bed-control. You know how annoying it is to wake up cold in the middle of the night because you completely lost the blanket? Imagine you’re married to Onaga, the Dragon King, and he has giant fucking wings. You’re getting absolutely no bed space. No thanks.
#71 — Hotaru
Hotaru is one of those guys who is obsessed with the military, but was never even in it. Not that being in the military is cool, but at least they were actually in it! If you’re gonna ruin your kids’ lives by trying to be a drill sergeant instead of a dad, you could at least have gone to war.
#70 — Erron Black
Erron Black talks a HUGE game about how he ONLY hooks up with “supreme hotties” and “perfect 10s” and, as a result, has never been in an actual relationship in his life. He did make out with D’Vorah, the bug girl, at a party once, though!
#69 — Johnny Cage
Sorry, Johnny Cage may look fun and nice, but the guy is so thirsty to revitalize his acting career that he joined the Mortal Kombat tournament. No one should marry an actor, let alone a desperate one. Not to mention, the guy is obsessed with hitting people in the balls. He’s hit literal gods in the balls. I can’t take it with him.
#68 — Kabal
Kabal would go on a date with you that you thought was OK but figured was nice enough, so you try to text him to schedule a second date, and he only sends you one word answers for three weeks. Then when you stop talking to him, he calls you a slut and says you could never be with someone with such “bitchin Hookswords.”
#67 — Kobra
How is Kobra the ugliest guy in a tournament filled with people who have no skin or no eyelids or their arms are made of feces? And the worst part is the guy thinks he’s hot! Imagine you’re out on a date with Kobra, and he makes some snide comment about how you’re lucky to be with someone so out of your league, and you look him in the face, and it’s Kobra.
#66 — Jarek
Jarek seems like a normal enough guy, but I cannot in good conscience tell anyone that they should try dating Jarek. I mean look at him. Really look at the guy. Jarek. Jarek. Come on. This is a serious list we’re making here. Jarek.
#65 — Triborg
Going on a date with Triborg and trying to have a conversation is like doing one of those captchas that says “click all the pictures that feature stop signs” and it shows you 8 AI-generated images that all kinda look like stop signs but don’t really. And then he asks you to pay for the dinner.
#64 — Kintaro
Maybe you think Kintaro is really funny or hot or whatever, but he is literally racist against humans. Like he openly says he is. So maybe think about that before telling me he’s a “terrific boyfriend.” Not to me, he wouldn’t be — even if he jokes that I’m one of the “good ones.” And I agree humans are bad!
#63 — Shinnok
Shinnok is the kind of partner who, after a long shitty day of work, you come home and rant to him for five minutes straight, only to realize 75% through your story that he was just looking at memes on Reddit. Not even a specific subreddit, he’s straight up browsing r/all.
#62 — Tremor
Tremor is so goddamn impressed with the fact that he’s got really crazy looking arms, but in the world of Mortal Kombat, that shit’s a dime a dozen. You’re gonna need to bring more than “I’ve got crazy arms” to the table, buddy. Can you cook? Do you give good back rubs? No, your arms are made of stone.
#61 — Sareena
Just a quick heads up — not trying to say she’s bad or whatever — but Sareena has actually stalked the last four exes she has had. And I’m not saying she liked all their Instagram posts or something. She like showed up at their houses at 3 a.m. Again, not trying to be a dick here, but just thought you should know that.
