PERRYSBURG, Ohio — Sources have confirmed local man Cam Briscoll is proud of his recent garage sale, blissfully unaware of just how much of his terrible personality and taste he is currently showing off to his neighbors.
“It’s been a while since I cleaned my house, and the pandemic really made me want to do nothing but stay inside and do puzzles while listening to podcasts,” explained Briscoll, 35, who held the garage sale to get rid of various cluttered objects which had previously offered his house guests far too much insight into the sad and despondent life he lives. “But it’s time to free up some space in my house and let other people enjoy these things that once brought me so much comfort.”
The garage sale, which has been going on in phases for the past 3 weekends, includes various items for sale including a hand-refurbished toaster, a stack of dog-eared World War 2 books, and several scantily-clad anime girl figurines. Briscoll says he’s already made $172 selling items that Goodwill refused for various reasons.
“I know the money isn’t the point, you have a garage sale to just get rid of stuff. I’m glad I can turn my profit around and put the money to good use. And most importantly, now that my house is decluttered I’m only going to spend money on important things that I want around for a really long time. Like have you seen that new collector’s edition Tifa figurine where she’s bending over really low? This money isn’t enough to cover the cost of an important lifelong purchase like that, but every cent helps.”
At press time, Briscoll was busy assisting an angry customer who wanted a refund on a previously purchased copy of Lolita on VHS.
