Here at Hard Drive, we tend to receive a lot of interesting submissions. Most of these submissions come via our official Pitch Test Form, located on our website, or even by snail mail. These submissions usually consist of a written headline or article, in a plain envelope, sent by some poor aspiring Hard Drive contributor.
Today, however, marks a momentous first in our company’s history, as a rather peculiar package arrived on our doorstep. What we received was a large manilla envelope, on which had been written “AFTERLIFE” in huge, bold, occasionally backwards lettering. Inside: 30 hand-drawn interpretations of the afterlife, submitted by real-life Pikmin from the eponymous Nintendo franchise, each complete with the illustrator’s artist statement. Although this whole ordeal was quite bizarre and unprecedented for us, we figured the little buggers put so much work into the damn things, it would be doing them a disservice to not publish them. So, here’s 30 unsolicited drawings of the afterlife, submitted by Pikmin:
#1 – Under New Management
Our first entry comes from an artist by the name of Kevin, who dreams of an afterlife where he can try being in charge for a change. Finally, someone else’s turn to be plucked from the Earth and thrown repeatedly at every Tom, Dick, or Bulbmin that dare rear its ugly head.
#2 – This Afterlife Brought To You By
Next, Sarah shares her dream of a second chance, albeit one that comes with a price. I’d like to commend Sarah’s indomitable spirit here, as I can’t say I wouldn’t at least consider throwing in the towel if it meant not having to sit through another monotonous ad for some mobile game or streaming service I’m never going to buy.
#3 – A Modest Proposal
Our next artist, it seems, is quite the romantic. Tina sent in this adorably optimistic sketch with a profile that reads much more like a dating profile than an artist’s statement. Tina, in her own words, is “a sweet, artistic type just looking for someone to go on adventures with.” Although she claims she’s just looking for “someone she vibes with,” her illustration seems to show that she’s already got her eyes set on one special someone in particular.
#4 – Kevinfinity
In this illustration we see our artist, Kevin, provide his understanding of the concept of reincarnation. Kevin’s packet did not specify whether he is the Bulbmin or the Pikmin depicted, though the illustration certainly seems to imply that he’s both, as are we all.
#5 – One Must Imagine
Connor, a rock Pikmin, provides us with a new, refreshing take on an old myth we’ve come to know. From the drawing itself, it’s hard to tell whether or not Sisyphus is happy, though it would appear Connor is having an absolute ball.
#6 – About the Author
This illustration from Hazel harkens back to the true, original purpose of the afterlife. See, Heaven was never really meant to give people something to work towards or even provide everyday religious folk with something to look forward to. Rather, the entire concept of the after life has always, and ever shall be, an opportunity to sell books. Godspeed, Hazel.
#7 – Every Day As A Freelance Writer
Let’s face it: Being a Pikmin is hard work. Countless hours of defeating enemies, carrying and pushing large objects, running at walls until they fall down, all just for your captain to hop back on his ship and go home at the end? No longer, Kyle claims, as he imagines an afterlife where he’s finally given that which we all yearn for at the end of the hard day’s work: An opportunity to just kick back, smoke a bowl, throw on a Paul Simon record, and forget that we have to do it all again tomorrow.
#8 – Every Day As Whatever The Hell You All Do
Like the previous artist, Tim too yearns for the next world to be simpler than this one. Though unlike many, Tim’s peace and simplicity comes in the form of deadlines, expense reports, and water cooler breaks. Personally, I don’t get the appeal but whatever, Tim, live your truth. Take a sip of your cold, watered-down black coffee out of that employee of the month mug and know that you’ve earned every bit of what you’ve got.
#9 – Donning The Cowl
For Cathy, however, this life is far too simple, and lacking a good deal of thrill. She hopes to spend her days in the Great Beyond making ethically ambiguous judgment calls and providing low-life perps with wildly excessive acts of brutality. Cathy wishes to drown out any inner feelings of inadequacy with the screams of a thousand hapless junkies getting kicked in the throat.
#10 – Freak of Nature
This entry shows Christine, a Flying Pikmin, whiling away the afterlife by getting more in touch with her nature, and practicing the timeless customs of winged beings like her. It’s unclear what Christina plans to do with the worm if she catches it, provided she has no mouth with which to eat it, but honestly we’re just glad she’s having fun.
#11 – Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be
In this drawing, Collin makes no qualms about where he’s headed after this life, and he seems to have a pretty damn good idea of what he’ll be doing once he gets there. Some say hell’s a bad place for worse people, but Collin knows his role in the universe, and he’s not planning to let a little change of scenery deter him from the sacred mission.
#12 – Long Overdue
In this image we of course see several Pikmin finally cooking and eating Louie, the annoying spaceman, but the Pikmin who actually submitted this drawing is the White Pikmin in the back, standing on a hill overlooking the barbaric ritual his brothers and sisters are undertaking. This Pikmin, Joseph, does not partake in the roasting directly, but also does nothing to stop it. He simply watches on, with a face devoid of all expression, acknowledging the cruel nature of the activity, yet understanding the necessity of the task, given all that has led up to this harsh conclusion.
#13 – One With The Force And All That
With this work, Connie predicts the afterlife will consist of a passing of the torch, a way of honoring and celebrating those who come after us. In her artist’s statement, Connie made note to explain that the extremely puzzled look on her face is because it was her understanding that everybody was going to glow green today for the celebration on Endor, but it seems everyone decided to make a last-minute switch to light blue, leaving Connie out of the loop once again. Typical Jedi.
#14 – Be Not Afraid
Next up, a more traditional view of Heaven from Marcy; complete with some magazine clippings of biblical figures and what appears to be a sort-of metamorphosis into a biblically accurate angel. This image, of course begs several questions, including: Who gave the Pikmin a copy of the Bible? And, more importantly, did they also bring the Quran?
#15 – The Deep Blue
This drawing was submitted by an aquatic Blue Pikmin by the name of Marcell, who dreams of an Earth covered entirely in water to swim in and enjoy. While the image may ring a bit apocalyptic to our terrestrial readers, worry not. Marcell has included a disclaimer that he’d be happy to give us the Pikmin planet in exchange. Readers should note, however, that the Pikmin planet is all but confirmed to be an alternate version of Earth and, may very well be uninhabitable by mammals? We don’t have all the facts yet but I’m sure we’ll figure it out when we get there.
#16 – Crossover
Believe it or not, the Yellow Pikmin who submitted this illustration did so under the name, “Link.” According to this Pikmin’s artist statement, he is “The Hero of Hyrule, once blessed by the Goddess Hylia and tasked with defending the Kingdom of Hyrule and its peoples from whatever danger may be seeking to endanger them.” One of the other Pikmin, however, provided a footnote explaining that Link was thrown a bit too hard as a child, and from then on believed himself to be a courageous hero destined to protect the Princess at all costs.
#17 – ???
Okay somebody needs to check on Carrie. I’m not trying to diss her “ideal afterlife” or whatever, I just wanna make sure she’s okay. Along with this haunting illustration, Carrie included an Artist’s Statement that just says “G O N E”. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN CARRIE? WHO HURT YOU?
#18 – Growing It Out
This entry, thankfully, is much more optimistic than the last. Roger, a Yellow Pikmin, imagines an afterlife where he finally has the freedom to grow a full head of hair! According to Roger’s artist’s statement, he’s always been infatuated with other beings’ ability to grow hair, and has even been known to don a few different wigs at times that he made himself out of grass and small twigs. How resourceful!
#19 – Messiah
Man. I was so hopeful after that last entry, but no. These Pikmin are clearly deeply troubled. This entry was submitted by a Pikmin who only used the name “Messiah.” Messiah’s artist’s statement explains how he is the son of the Pikmin God, sent to the world in order to provide redemption for the Pikmin’s “many, many sins.” Messiah did not elaborate in the least bit as to what the Pikmin’s sins might be, only that there are “many, many” of them.
#20 – Born To Drive
Our next artist, Danny, likes to live his life a quarter mile at a time. Danny frequently finds himself day-dreaming about one day having a project car of his own to supe-up and take out on the open road. In the next life, Danny hopes to finally have his dream car, and explains he plans to just take it out, drop it into fifth, and enjoy an eternal cruise. You might call Danny crazy or washed-up, but he won’t care. Frankly, he probably won’t even hear you over the sound of a four-hundred horsepower engine and the crisp cracking-open of a cupholder cold one.
#21 – Connor The Comet
Collin, another Rock Pikmin, submitted this next drawing in which he imagines an afterlife among the stars. Some find empowerment in community, others in self-actualization. Collin, however, believes he’s at his best while hurtling through space at a few thousand miles per hour. Collin makes very clear in his artist’s statement that he is NOT a shooting star, so do not try to wish upon him. He’s not here to grant wishes, only to fly aimlessly through the cosmos and, when he feels the urge, smash into some stuff.
#22 – Afterlife for $1,000, Alex
Saria, age unknown, knows she’ll be among good company once she reaches the next life; specifically, the company of one Alex Trebek, her lifelong favorite television personality. Saria looks forward to days of picking Trebek’s brain about the many inner workings of her favorite trivia show, asking questions like “Do the cards really have words on them, or do you just know all that stuff?” If she’s lucky, Saria hopes she’ll even be given the opportunity to try her hand at Jeopardy! And if she’s luckier still, she’ll dominate any sorry assholes who dare take the podium alongside her. All we have to say to Saria is this: When you get to heaven, give ‘em hell!
#23 – The Okay Place
Our next drawing, submitted by Peter, features another frame from popular television, so it would seem. However, Peter claims in his artist’s statement that this is a “completely original concept, which came to [him] in a dream, and not at all just a frame from The Good Place.” Now I’d like to believe Peter, but the fact that he made that specific distinction in his statement makes me question the merits of his claim. Either way, we just hope wherever Peter’s going is a little more willing to turn a blind eye to blatant plagiarism.
#24 – Doin’ It From Pole To Pole
Next, Grace, an Ice Pikmin, submits a fun illustration of an afterlife full of “chillin’ with the penguins.” Unlike other animal-focused drawings on this list, Grace claims has no interest in actually trying to be a Penguin. Grace calls that notion “absurd” as she rather likes being an Ice Pikmin, and really just wants to hang out with penguins and familiarize herself with their ways. Grace also states that she has quite the collection of documentaries about penguins, and might even like to try her hand at making a documentary of her own if she can ever get up close to the creatures.
#25 – Stargazing
Our next artist, Gina, describes in great detail in her artist statement that she’s always had quite the affinity for stargazing. In particular, she loves looking for shapes that the stars create. Her favorite constellation is Pegasus, but she writes that she likes to invent some of her own, including one she calls “Super God”, which is apparently a combination of Ophiuchus, Serpens, Sagittarius, Libra, and Hercules.
#26 – Hook, Line, and Sinker
I’m not exactly sure how to summarize the statement of this artist, who calls himself Neptune, so I’m just going to paste it here, unabridged: “I imagine the afterlife will hold for me the greatest of life’s mysteries, the stalemate of temptation. As my illustration depicts, I imagine I’ll be presented with a temptation, particularly that of the hook, dangling menacingly below the sea’s surface. I know in my mind that the hook will most likely bring me only pain and suffering, so I hesitate, and yet I do not swim away. Forever I stay, staring at the hook, knowing that it is in my best interest to leave, yet eternally trapped in the fantasy of what great wonders the hook may behold if I’m wrong.”
#27 – Fezzes Are Cool
Oh, to be a TimeLord. Most of us have had this fantasy at some point or another: having the privilege to travel space and time aimlessly, on a never-ending journey, occasionally reincarnating into some other body, some other personality, some other being entirely. That’s my understanding at least, but Simon here seems to think that the act of Gallifreyan reincarnation merely provides one with a cool fez and bowtie. I’d like to tell Simon he can just go out and buy a fez and bowtie but, honestly, I don’t wanna crush his dreams.
#28 – Cease and Desist
Anthony provides us with what frankly might be the least realistic of all the drawings on this list: Being able to create and sell Nintendo fanart without any kind of legal red tape to cut through. I, for one, am sympathetic to Anthony’s cause. He’s an imaginative guy, with hella artistic talent to boot. Ceases-and-Desists be damned! If Anthony wants to make a living drawing Cowboy Mario, or Link in the style of Cowboy Bebop, he should have the right to do so and I believe that in the next life, God willing, he shall.
#29 – Time To Pay The Piper
Expanding on that last point, it’s not just extracurricular work that these Pikmin want to be paid fairly for, as we can see clearly in Randy’s drawing. Being a Pikmin is hard work, and takes a lot out of an individual. On top of that, Pikmin is a multi-billion dollar franchise at this point, and yet how much of that revenue has the common Pikmin actually seen? Not one red cent, that’s how much.
#30 – Somethin’ ‘Bout A Red
And finally, Igor, a red Pikmin, sums up his greatest desire for the next life. A desire which, I would hope, is on all of our minds at this point in the article: REVOLUTION. Over the course of compiling these illustrations, I have come to more fully understand the struggle of the Pikmin. These thirty Pikmin have expressed their greatest desires, earthly and otherwise, and while many of these desires may seem silly or trivial to us, it is only because the reality of these Pikmin is so grim as it is. So it stands that the day has finally come for society’s most repressed creatures, the Pikmin to rise up. In the words of Marx, “The Pikmin Family have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working Pikmin of all countries, unite!” (paraphrasing just a tad, of course)
