LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having sex with their partners, has bombed with its prospective audience of horny gamers.
“As with most of our parodies, we thought of the title first and just rolled with it. Turns out, that was a pretty big mistake — people are not looking for porn in which we have the quickest orgasms possible,” explained Minecraft-based speedrunning pornstar, Cream. “Even though market research shows that there’s a huge crossover between video game speedrun fans and jerking off fans, you can’t combine em! “
“Overwatch? You’re good to go. Fortnite? You bet people will jerk off to that. League of Legends? Some of the most popular porn on the entire internet,” he added. “Cum on Tits Any% WR – 0:00:02… not particularly liked! Lesson learned.”
According to those familiar with the situation, the speedrunning premise was not the only issue with the event.
“Today I learned! Porn doesn’t need commentators!” said Super Mario Odyssey-based speedrunning pornstar BigAssAnt. “I definitely think it weirded people out to have someone commentating over the fucking, explaining the specific strats that the pornstars were using in order to orgasm as quickly as possible. We thought for sure that people would be interested. The general public doesn’t know things like step-sister-skip, which lets you bypass the need for background information intimacy, and glitch immediately into fu— oh shit, I’m doing it again. Sorry. What we learned was that pretty much every second of the event was, uh, ‘a good time to go through some donations.’”
At press time, fans became furious after discovering that the money they begrudgingly donated to the event was not even sent to Doctors Without Borders, like Games Done Quick, but was instead sent to the porn event’s parent company, Doctors With Boners: Sex Doctors.
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