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We Ranked The Tetris Blocks

That’s right, we finally settled the decades-long debate over where Tetris blocks would be placed on a letter-based tier list. I remember when I was a young boy in Soviet Russia playing Tetris with sticks and rocks, and my once-friend Vladimir Valenekovski fought me to the death over which 4-square creation should be placed in S-tier. He was a good man, but I digress.

You may be asking yourself, “what’s the point of ranking the Tetris blocks?” I’ll tell you why – because life is unfair. We live in a capitalist society where blocks are defined by their economic value, and nobody is free from being arbitrarily scaled on a tier list. 

Not all shapes made from four interconnected blocks are created equal, and we aim to find out which Tetris blocks stand above the rest.  We will be considering each block’s aesthetics and utility as we evaluate an objectively correct ranking.

By the way, we know the blocks are called Tetriminos, jackass. So replace that comment correcting us with a comment saying “damn, you guys really know your stuff” since we need the engagement, and move along.

D tier – S-block, Z-block

I don’t know why this Tetris block is a waifu but I hate her, too

I hate these blocks. The S- and Z-blocks are explicitly designed to stick out of your carefully crafted structures like a dickhead. It’s very telling that these blocks are the only ones that will immediately set you up for failure on a blank screen. Even when you have a one-deep gap to plug these abominations in, the rest of the block will sloppily hang out to ruin your vibe. I think it’s telling that the most common use for these blocks is to fix its own gaps. I am placing the S below the Z shape for being a disgusting shade of puke green.

C tier – Square

Woah… It like really makes you think, man….

The Square block, or O-block, represents simple life. It marches to the beat of its own drum, never changing shape no matter how hard you mash the rotate button. I respect that. It has great symmetry, and would easily clean the board if it was the only block in the game. Unfortunately it is not, and you will rarely have a clean two-wide gap to dump this bad boy in. Tetris gamers might place these below the S/Z blocks for gameplay reasons, but I believe the overwhelming symmetry of the square shape places it a step above.

B tier – L-block, P-block

He can fill my gap…

The L- and P-blocks are workhorses of the Tetris world. They come with a convenient one-block offshoot to plug any lone gaps you may have, while the longer side can serve as a makeshift I- piece when you need to clear a couple rows. They may not be symmetrical, but that’s ugly hot in a Timothée Chalamet sort of way. These blocks ooze sex appeal. The feminine P can be seen as some bahama mama bodonkadonks or an absolute dumpy depending on its rotation, while the masculine L looks like a stud with a big schlong. If you look at these blocks and think “damn, those are some sexy pixels,” then YOU’RE the crazy one, not me. 

A Tier – I-block

Hahahaha, I’m losing it!

The big kahuna. I don’t need to explain why the I-block is so valuable. It’s THE piece you need to get Tetris. Dropping this bad boy into your carefully planned stack feels like losing your virginity to your high school love under the starry night sky just outside Albuquerque. The only flaws of the I-block are that it can’t fix up a messy structure and it can blueball you if you get one before your big combo is ready. Visually, this straight, symmetrical block invokes a slender, graceful elegance akin to Kate Moss when it struts into the playing field.The I-block is long, strong, and dare I say… phallic? 

S Tier – T-block

As seen on Oprah!

Oh, my love, the T-block. T is for Tetris, and honestly that should be enough to rank S- tier. But no, the T-block also gets its own, famous technique called the T-spin where true gamers commit advanced wizardry to spirit a T-block into a T shaped hole. But you don’t need a T-shaped hole, no. The T-block excels at plugging any orifice you need to deal with. The T-block is also purple, the color of royalty. I believe the T-block is the sexiest tetrimino, and I’m not alone on this: just look at the front cover of this Tetris-themed smut story on Amazon. See? I told you I wasn’t crazy.