Today, I made the mistake of opening Facebook. Besides the usual memes for geriatrics and raging Trump uncles, I had the misfortune of reading a sponsored ad for “The Swarovski x Marvel Collection.” That’s right, the famous jeweler Swarovski made a collection of very pricey Marvel jewelry and figures for all you rich Marvel fanboys.
The crown jewel (please laugh) of this Marvel collection is a $23,000 dollar crystal figure of Spiderman hanging upside-down. Apparently it took 233 hours to complete, featuring “more than 32,000 glittering crystals, all set using our patented Pointiage technique.” That’s cool and all, but I’m missing the reason why anyone should spend a new car’s worth of cash on a product I’d describe as “kinda neat.”
Of course, Swarovski included some cheaper options for you filthy plebeians, such as the $175 Hulk bracelet or this infuriatingly right-side-up $530 Spiderman figure. So if you want to help bouncers realize you are NOT a good fit for the club, maybe pick up a diamond Marvel necklace instead of eating lunch for a month.
I’m fairly sure people agree with me that these gilded tchotchkes are worthless, since the only posts I can find on Facebook and Twitter are from middleman jewelers desperately trying to pawn this crap off to whatever rube that’ll listen. Considering Swarovski had to sponsor posts on Facebook in the first place, I assume these aren’t selling.
The Swarovski x Marvel collab is, fundamentally, an oxymoron. How many millionaires have the liquid funds to drop 20K on a statuette while still giving a phantom of a shit about Marvel? Are high society folks sipping champagne on yachts while thinking, “Man, I could really use a bedazzled Funko Pop?”
In fact, we all owe an apology to Funko Pops. They might be ugly, cheesy, and generally lame, but at least they’re cheap. You’re never going to default on your loans by picking up the $11.99 Spiderman Funko Pop during a Walmart run. Note: This is not a challenge. Please do not default on your loans for Funko Pops.
Logically speaking, the only people interested in this Marvel schmuck bait with the funds to buy it would be a lottery winner or a Youtuber, so keep an eye out for diamonds in the background of the next 2 hour long The Marvels cinematic trailer breakdown Youtube recommends you.
Seriously, do not buy this. You have better ends to spend towards. As nerds, our fandom doesn’t need to be defined by how much of our paycheck we sacrifice at the altar. And to all you freaks out there: no, it doesn’t come with a jar.
